My Blue River (49 page)

********

Dear Addy:

As a man who puts his thoughts into words through poetry and music, I’m drawn to writing you this letter. I’m not sure I handled things the way I wanted to when you left….in fact, I know I didn’t, but I didn’t see any other choice. This is the only way I know how to truly let you go. I guess I still have a lot to say to you, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to hear your voice. It would be too painful. I assume you figured out I deleted my email account. I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist responding to you. It seemed to be for the best.

I guess what I needed to say was that I really believe that for our love to have evolved into a life shared together, we both needed to cross a bridge that had been placed over a very deep and difficult valley. Maybe you were just too scared. I wasn’t scared; I was ready. But I wanted you to cross the bridge from your side. I know I must have made you feel like I believe you’re spoiled and selfish, but I too have been selfish. I should have admitted that to you back in January when I told you that I want you here with me. I am who I am. I love how and who I love and you’re the woman I love, but I also love my family and need to help them.

I’m not your knight in shining armor. I’m just an imperfect man, trying to make his way in life. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I know I said some things I shouldn’t have. Please forgive me. Just so you know, I would give anything—do anything—to see Montana plates on that truck of yours, but you’ve made it clear that will never happen.

I can’t cry myself to sleep like a child anymore. It’s exhausting. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can barely function and I don’t know what else to do but let you go so that I can move on. Maybe someday we’ll each understand why we didn’t work.

I will always wonder where you are, how you are, and who you are with, but I have come to accept that I’m not the man you need in your life. I pray you find the next great love of your life. Although I already know it is impossible that he will love you with the depth I have loved you, it is my sincere hope he treats you well. Without love, our lives would be empty and meaningless.

Do you remember the first time we star gazed together? Do you remember we saw a falling star? My wish that night was that you would someday be mine. It is killing me to know you will not share my life…not share my last name. I will think of you each time I see a falling star, and my wish for you will be happiness, health, and love.

I’ve already told you I have never been a man who gives ultimatums but I am the type of guy who can admit defeat. I have been defeated by fate. We met at the wrong place and the wrong time. I have been defeated and as unfair as it is, I know I must move on. I know you love me. I also know that it must not be a strong enough love to make our relationship come together in the way I need it to.

I want a family, Addy. I want a life with a wife and with children. Maybe not today, or next year, or maybe even the year after that. I’m not completely foolish. I know I still have some growing up to do, but I wanted that life to be with you…
and no, this is not your proposal
…but those are the two most important things in life to me. Love and family. If I can’t share the same dreams as you, I must let you go and allow you to find your place in life.

I love you enough to do what I think is right. I won’t contact you anymore and please, don’t contact me. It’s just too hard. I hope for you all the things you want in life. I hope each of your dreams comes true—each
good
dream. I hope each time you walk along a beach at sunset you know I am at my Montana beach at sunset thinking of you. I pray that every once in while you give a thought to me and the times we shared together. I pray that when you take your children to Disneyland you feel a slight wonder if I made it there myself with my children. Selfishly, I hope you wonder what our life would have been like had we stayed together.

I will dream of you. I will think of you. I will always love you.

Of all God’s miracles, you are his greatest.

All my love,

Jack

37. The Wedding

Time had become my friend and by April, I finally resembled the Addy Davis I had once known. It had nearly required a twelve-step program to recover from the loss of Jack, but each day was an improvement from the day before.

I laid down the law with my family and friends that there were to be no conversations with me about Jack. I didn’t want to know where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing with his life and so far, they had kept their promises.

I focused my complete attention on my studies. Since my grades had begun to slip, once again, I needed to focus more directly on the importance of school and why I wanted to be here so badly that it cost me the love of my life. I came to realize I couldn’t function in a mental fog and still pass exams.

Kate and I spent a lot of time together. In all reality, she was my saving grace. I also devoted more time to my friendship with Claire, keeping in touch with her almost daily. Today was an exciting phone call from her.

“I’M GETTING MARRIED!” she repeated and this time she yelled.

The first time Claire said those words, they came out in an inaudible screech, at a decibel only a dog could discern.

“That’s great! I’m so happy for you!” I yelled back.

“Oh, Addy, I’m so happy. Michael is wonderful.” Pure adoration could be detected in her voice.

Claire had met Michael, who was an electrical engineer, while working as part-time office help at an engineering firm in Middleburg. He was four years older than she was and it sounded as though he was crazy about her. More importantly, he loved her so unconditionally that he couldn’t wait to adopt Samantha. I wanted so badly for Claire to get her fairy-tale ending and today, it appeared she had gotten just that.

“So when is the wedding?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve carefully planned this so you can’t decline the invitation. It’ll be a summer wedding for sure.”

“As in
THIS
summer?”

“Yeah.
This
summer.”

“Wow. We’re in April. That’s a quick engagement.”

“I know but I couldn’t be more certain he’s the one for me and Samantha. Please tell me you’ll be there,” pleaded Claire.

“Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t miss it for anything,” I replied.

“You’d like to avoid Jack, though, and Addy, I’m sorry, but he’ll be there. I really need you two to make peace, or at least give it a rest for the day.”

“Give what a rest? Everything’s fine. He has his life and I have mine. In fact, we don’t even talk.”

“That’s the problem. You
won’t
talk to one another besides, you know what I mean. You two get into the same room and shock waves run through it.”

She was right. Jack and I had undeniable electricity. If I had stuck to my own rules when I moved to Blue River we wouldn’t be dealing with this mess now. I wanted to say I should have never dated Jack but I knew I had changed for the better and it was all from his love. I would treasure the love we shared but it would remain an unopened gift.

“Scout’s honor. I’ll be there and I’ll play nice,” I promised.

“Good. I’m holding you to that.”

Claire chattered on about the wedding plans, launching into her apologies about how small the wedding would be.

“…and I’m so sorry, Addy, I wanted to have you as a bride’s maid, but then we decided to keep it small, and then…”

I interrupted, “Oh, please, seriously, it’s no big deal. You’d probably put me in some hideous, fluffy, pink dress, and then I wouldn’t have any fun,” I joked, which made her laugh.

“Oh, by the way, I hope you’re not mad, but I called your parents before I called you. I want to get married at their house in the garden and I was in a rush to ask,” said Claire.

“Why would I be mad? But why would you want to get married there?” I knew it had been a while since I’d been there, but it couldn’t look much different.

“Jack and your dad have created an amazing flower garden—” fearing I would cut her off, she began to talk rapidly, “…and I can’t wait for you to see it. Everything should be in full bloom by summer and it’ll be beautiful. I can’t believe how carefully Jack planned everything, just like he did at…well, never mind…I know you don’t want to know anything about Jack. I know the rules—zip it, lock it, put it in my pocket.”

I laughed. “You’re such a mom. I don’t think I’ve heard that expression in years! Thank you for respecting my wishes and Claire, it’s not that I don’t care for Jack. I do, but intense love can complicate things. We both got hurt and I—I,” I stammered. There were no words that could explain how I felt and luckily, she spared me the discomfort I was feeling.

“Addy, I know. If you two had just met in a different time, in a different place, who knows, maybe we’d be going to
your
rose garden
wedding instead of mine.”

Just then it hit me. The dreams I had about a rose garden were dreams about Claire. I couldn’t help but feel a bit deflated at the realization it was never going to be my rose garden wedding.

********

I couldn’t stand the thought of a summer in Montana because mostly, I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Jack. I wasn’t going to return for the summer break, instead, I took a job in California for the summer. It disappointed my parents but they seemed to understand. My on-campus job provided housing and helped me keep my distance from Blue River, but by August, Claire’s wedding day was almost here and there was no stopping what had to be done.

I boarded a flight to Montana for Claire and Michael’s summer wedding. I felt nervous; not for the flight, but for the unavoidable reunion with Jack. I had carefully planned my visit, spending no more than two weeks in Blue River. I would steer clear of anywhere that I could possibly see him. Claire lived in Middleburg so I decided to spend most of my time there before the wedding.

My parents and Aaron greeted me at the baggage carousel. We exchanged hugs and kisses.

“You look good, Aaron. How’s the hand?” I asked.

“Better, thanks.” He held it up for me to see. There had been so much glass shattered in the accident that his hand was incredibly scarred and appeared to be somewhat crippled.

Aaron looked completely broken, not physically, but emotionally. He had been greatly humbled by his car wreck. The former invincible Aaron needed the assistance of others. For a while he couldn’t even feed or dress himself. His road to a complete recovery was still months away and even then the doctors weren’t sure the degree to which he would be able to use his formerly artistically gifted hand with the same agility. If this hadn’t taught him about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, then nothing would.

My dad changed the subject. It was still very difficult for my parents. They thought often about every decision they had ever made when it came to Aaron. I knew they somehow blamed themselves and dad’s confession gave me an understanding and compassion for their situation.

Dad put my luggage in the back of the Mercedes. When we were on our way out of Middleburg, I said, “So, I hear the garden is beautiful,”
Crap!
Why did I bring that up?
I knew what was next.

Dad lit up. “Oh yes, Jack has…”

I quickly cut him off right as Mom smacked his arm.

“Shhhh, no Jack talk,” I demanded.

“Adelaide—” Dad said Adelaide not Addy, so I knew he was serious. “You’re being unreasonable and by the way, Jack is welcome at our home and he
will
be at this wedding.”

“I know and I promised Claire I would be polite but that doesn’t mean I want to hear anything about him. I’ll see him when I have to and if he’s lucky, I may even speak to him.” I knew I was the one who’d be lucky but I had to play tough.

“Well, that would be the appropriate thing to do,” interjected Mom, who had apparently decided to join the conversation. However, she didn’t have that same edge in her voice that usually came with a discussion about Jack. She sounded completely exhausted; it was like her comment was more of a motherly obligation.

Aaron saved me by changing the subject. “So California hasn’t fallen off the edge of the United States yet, huh?”

I chuckled. “Nope. It’s still there and as beautiful as ever. The weather is perfect. Did you know San Diego is ranked the safest large city in the United States? I bet you guys have had more crime here than I’ve had there.”

Aaron replied, “Oh, I’m sure you’re right, in fact, just last week someone stole a cow right out of the Rigby’s field. Can you believe that? We were all in a dither for days. I was sick with worry about ol’ Bessie. What if her assailants weren’t taking care of her? What if they didn’t know she was a milking cow and ate her?”

I started to laugh so hard I began to cry. Even Mom and Dad were laughing.

Forty minutes later we turned into the familiar, tree lined, gravel driveway. This place had really been transformed. It looked nothing like when we arrived that fateful day in June three years ago. Having just been in California this morning, it really stood out to me how large the fields were and how
open
it felt. In fact, it was liberating. I wish I had appreciated it more while I lived here. It was too late now and if I didn’t know it before, I certainly knew now that I wasn’t moving back. If I didn’t have Jack there was no reason to return. I quickly dismissed my feelings of awe.

I lumbered up to my bedroom and unpacked my luggage. I then returned to the kitchen to help Mom make dinner. I wanted to tell her that I knew about Dad’s drinking problem, but then it felt like I would ruin what had become a shockingly bonding moment. Most of all, I wanted to apologize. But I didn’t. Instead, we chattered on about silly stuff, sometimes laughing until we cried.
My apology can wait.

Dinner was delicious. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my mom’s cooking nor did I realize I enjoyed cooking. We cleared the table and I took a seat in the living room with a magazine.

I couldn’t help but jump when the phone rang.
Is that him?
No. It was someone for my dad. There was a knock at the door. My heart leaped. I stayed in my place on the sofa, really because I was unable to move. I was torn between fear the guest was Jack and the sadness that it may never be. It was Jack’s mom, Sharon. I couldn’t help but wonder if Jack had sent her to be his spy
.
She said she came here to share freezer jam. I heard her say, “…and the next thing I knew, I had made too much.”

“We’re certainly glad you did!” exclaimed Dad.

“Please come in, Sharon,” offered Mom.

“Oh, no, I need to get back,” she replied but her body betrayed her words and she took several steps inside, just enough to get a glance at me.
What’s wrong with me? I’m not mad at her
. In fact, I truly adored Jack’s parents so I moved from my sofa throne to greet her with a hug.

“Well, look at you, all tan and beautiful!” She beamed at me.

I waved my hand in the air, “Oh, you’re too kind. You look good, too. I’m so happy to see you. You and Ted will be at the wedding, right?”

“Oh, yes. We wouldn’t miss our Claire’s big day. We’ve watched her grow up since she was eight years old. She’s like a daughter and like a sister to Jack, you know.”

I almost visibly winced at hearing his name and realizing the depth of his connection to Claire.

“Yes, I know,” I replied. I even managed a smile.

We jabbered on about a few other subjects until Sharon dismissed herself. I felt a slight disappointment she’d come alone.
What’s wrong with me?
My bark is definitely worse than my bite.
Addy, you’ve got issues
.