More than Survival: A Post-apocalyptic Love Story (9 page)

“Lucy,” he said, his voice thick with want. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” I said, moving my hand a little faster.

Slowly, he stiffened under my grasp and his breathing got heavier. He grabbed my hand and guided me, showing me what to do. “Like this. Run your fingers over the head, squeezing just a little, then all the way down to my balls.”

My cheeks flushed, but I did as I was told, concentrating. Trying to please him. I could feel every one of his veins against my palm, and the heat coming off his body was so intense it warmed me until heat once again pooled between my legs.

After a few minutes, he stopped me. I braced myself for yet another argument, but the second our eyes met I knew he was well past telling me no. The need in his eyes made my entire body flush, and the second his mouth crushed against mine, moisture leaked out of me, making my knees weak.

Sawyer scooped me up, never breaking the kiss as he carried me into the bedroom. He laid me out, kissing me while he climbed onto the bed. His tongue moved against mine as he groped at my breasts through my sweater. We were both still dressed, but I wanted to change that. Needed us to be free.

I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled, and he broke the kiss so I could take it off. Next went mine, and then his pants, and before I could even take a second breath Sawyer was easing my pants down. When I was naked, he kissed his way up my leg and my mind went back to earlier. How close his mouth had come to my intimate area. The idea of him putting his mouth there filled me with embarrassment, and I tried to crawl backwards, further up the bed and away from him as my heart beat against my ribcage. But he grabbed my hips, refusing to let me escape.

“Don’t worry, I promise you’ll like it,” Sawyer said against my inner thigh, his hot breath tickling my skin.

I held my breath and stared at the ceiling as Sawyer pushed my legs apart, exposing me to him. He exhaled, and air brushed against me. I squirmed when I felt myself grow wetter. Then something warm and soft brushed against my moist folds and I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut. It happened again, up and down, sending shivers of pleasure through my body. I moaned as Sawyer’s tongue really went to work on me. He swirled it around, moving it over the sensitive nub that felt so good, then pushing inside me. I gasped, and without thinking my hands went to his head. I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to me as that thing built inside once again. Stronger this time. My hips bucked and I moaned, then he sucked the nub into his mouth and the muscles inside me clenched one final time before releasing all the tension that had built up. I cried out as my body reached its peak, and tremors of pleasure shot through me.

Sawyer kissed his way up my body, pausing to pay special attention to my nipples. I squirmed as he sucked, whimpering under the tormenting pleasure. Finally, he moved all the way up, but when he tried to kiss me, I pulled away.

“No! You were just, you know,
down there
.” My cheeks flushed, and even though I’d enjoyed the act immensely, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

Sawyer grinned down at me, amusement flashing in his blue eyes. “You mean, licking your pussy?”

My face got so hot I had to cover it with my arms, but Sawyer just laughed and pried them away from my face. “Lucy, look at me.”

I forced myself to meet his eyes, not because I wasn’t embarrassed anymore, but because I’d made a promise to myself that I would do whatever he wanted.

“What?” I whispered.

“You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to, okay?”

I nodded and my eyes went to his lips. They were moist with my juices. He’d seemed to enjoy it, so how bad could it be? Still, the idea of kissing him, of tasting myself on his lips, was so repulsive I had a hard time leaning up to press my mouth against his, but I made myself do it.

Sawyer’s eyes got big when I leaned up, but he didn’t stop me, and the second our lips met he pushed his tongue into my mouth. The taste of his kiss was only subtly different, but not bad, so I gave myself into it. Allowing his tongue to move over mine as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me.

He eased himself between my thighs, and his hardness nudged at my entrance. I spread my legs wider, eager for the fullness that I knew would come once he was inside me. Sawyer kissed his way down my body, sucking one nipple into his mouth, the hard head of is manhood teasing me. I raised my hips to meet his, but he didn’t push inside. Instead he got to work on my other nipple, rubbing it between his fingers until I was writhing and moaning, begging to have him inside me.

“Please,” I said against his lips. “Please, Sawyer.”

“Tell me what you want me to do. I want to hear the words.”

“I want you inside me.” I gasped as his teeth pulled at my hard nipple.

Sawyer grunted and pulled back, then flipped me onto my stomach. I had no idea what he was doing, but I allowed him to move me. To pull me up until I was on my hands and knees and he was positioned behind me. He ran his hand down my back and over my spine to my buttocks, rubbing it gently as his hardness brushed against my moist center. I pushed back, making him groan, and then without warning he thrust inside me, forcing a cry of pleasure from my mouth.

Sawyer grasped my hips and began to move, in and out, hard and fast. Not being as gentle as he had the first time. He hit something deep inside me with every thrust that drove me wild. I balled my hands into fists, grasping handfuls of my quilt as my body rose higher and higher and Sawyer thrust faster and faster, grunting behind me. Then, all at once, a tremor broke its way through my body, causing me to cry out in pleasure. My body pulsed around Sawyer, making my arms and legs weak, but he held me up, his hands firm on my hips as he continued his assault on my body.

“I’m going to pull out,” he said, gasping behind me as he pounded into me three more times.

Then he pulled out and his hands left my body. I stayed where I was, knowing what would happen next. I could hear the friction of his hand behind me, then all at once Sawyer grunted and hot moisture hit my lower back.

Just like earlier, he cleaned me up and pulled me close. The satisfaction on his face made me smile, and I couldn’t deny that I had enjoyed myself as well. Sex had always been a dirty concept for me, but now that I had Sawyer, I realized it didn’t have to be something to dread.

“Was that okay?” he asked, looking a bit sheepish. “It was only your second time, maybe I shouldn’t have been so rough.”

“It felt amazing,” I replied, sounding even more breathless than I felt.

If I were being honest with him, I would have told him I had preferred the roughness of the second time. The way he’d thrust himself into me without holding back, there had been something so amazingly primal about it. So powerful. It made me feel more certain than ever that Sawyer could take care of me the way I needed, and in ways I’d never even known I wanted.

Even though Sawyer had said we needed to get some work done, we spent the rest of the day curled up by the fire drinking the last little bit of tea we had left. We were both naked, but body heat and his constant caresses kept me warm. With each touch of his hand I learned more about my body’s response to him, and realized exactly how much he wanted me.

There were still dozens of questions in my brain, and the hot fluid that spurted out of him after sex still confused me, but I refused to advertise exactly how naïve I was. The book was still in my room, and I knew it would provide me with the answers I needed. If I could only find the time.

didn’t get a chance to actually read the book until the following afternoon, however. Sawyer decided it was time to slaughter a rabbit so I could make more stew, and the second he stepped outside I rushed into the bedroom to get the book.

I found the answer in the section marked intercourse, and when I realized the purpose of that sticky, warm liquid, my legs went weak. Sawyer had said he didn’t want me to get pregnant, which I was grateful for. I was still young and the idea of taking care of baby was as foreign to me as the concept of driving a car. But still, the realization that he didn’t want anything permanent between us filled me with dread. Did that mean he was planning to leave as soon as the snow melted? The blizzard had passed and it had to be close to the end of January at this point. We had maybe six weeks of winter left, then spring would be upon us. The snow would be gone and there would be nothing left to keep Sawyer here.

I needed to make sure he
wanted
to stay.

Once I had finished skimming the book—which proved to be less helpful than I thought, because there was nothing in it that explained Sawyer’s desire to lick my woman parts—I headed into Seamus’s room. I was determined to make the cabin as comfortable as possible for Sawyer, and it occurred to me that I could take some of my uncle’s pants in a bit so they fit Sawyer better.

When I opened the bottom drawer, the familiar scent of pine soap drifted out. It was something I’d made especially for my uncle, and the smell of it caused a crack to cut across my heart. Until then, I’d barely allowed myself a moment to think about the fact that Seamus may never return. I’d focused instead on surviving, on making sure I remembered all the stuff he’d taught me so I wouldn’t let him down. But sitting on the floor of his bedroom, with the smell of pine floating around me, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

Grabbing a pair of pants, I pressed them to my nose and took a big whiff. Tears fell from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks, and the soft tremors of sobs shook my shoulders. It felt like my heart was going to break in two, remembering my uncle and his easy chuckle. The firm tone of his voice when he’d taught me the skills I needed to survive, the softness in his eyes when I’d cried over the loss of my mom. Seamus hadn’t been affectionate with me, but he’d loved me and I’d always known it. He’d done his best to protect me and give me everything I needed, and in the end he’d been the best parent a girl could have when the end of the world came.

And I missed him.

I remembered the day he had come for me like it was yesterday. I had been reading a book by flashlight when there was a knock on the front door. It was late, and we hadn’t seen anyone else in over a week. Daddy was already gone and Mama was too sick to go anywhere, and most of our neighbors were already dead. Hearing the bang of someone’s knuckles against our door made my heart skip a couple beats.

“Lucy,” Mama called from the bedroom, her voice rattling from her body like she had a hard time getting the words out. “Answer the door.”

Even though I was shaking, I did as Mama said, turning the knob with trembling hands. When I saw Uncle Seamus standing on the front stoop, reality hit me like a punch in the stomach. He never left his house. I’d grown up hearing Daddy laugh at Mama’s older brother, calling him nuts. Paranoid. All kinds of names.

I was starting to think Daddy might have been wrong.

Uncle Seamus looked down at me, his smile just visible through his scraggily gray beard. “Hello there, girl. Your mama called me, said I needed to come right over.”

I swallowed and opened the door so he could step in, feeling tiny next to the large man. My uncle had always intimidated me. He was big and quiet, and hearing my dad say he was crazy hadn’t helped. But whenever Seamus looked at me, there was so much kindness in his gray eyes that I couldn’t help wondering if I needed to be scared.

Seamus stepped in and I shut the door, then he kneeled down in front of me, taking off his black stocking cap. His gray hair was as scraggily as his beard, and much too long. It hung an inch past his chin, almost touching his shoulders. Under his red flannel shirt Seamus had a gut that always made me think of Santa. That night, when he smiled at me for the second time, the warmth in his eyes took some of my fear away.

“Mama’s sick.”

He nodded slowly, then let out a big sigh. “Shoulda checked earlier. With the power out, I been busy getting things ready. Thought your mama would call me if things got too bad.” He shook his head like he was disappointed in her, then stood. “Least I gave her that long-rang walkie. Don’t know what she woulda done otherwise.”

He started walking to the bedroom, motioning for me to follow. “Come on now, let’s get on with this.”

Mama looked up from the bed when Uncle Seamus and I walked in, and even at the young age of seven I knew the gray color of her skin couldn’t be good. She held her hand out like she wanted my uncle to take it, but the movement was slow and weak. Her dark hair was matted to her head from sweat, and even though her skin was pale, her cheeks were red with fever. She didn’t look like Mama anymore.

“You came,” she whispered. “I knew you would.”

Uncle Seamus sat on the bed next to Mama and took her thin hand in his. “Always wanted to be able to say I told you so, Sue, but I never expected to be so unhappy about it.”

Mama coughed, putting her hand to her mouth. When she pulled it away her palm was painted red. She looked toward me, then back toward her brother. The tears shimmering in her eyes were so thick I couldn’t figure out how they didn’t spill over.

“Promise me you’ll take care of her.” Mama’s words were so quiet I could hardly hear them.

When Uncle Seamus looked my way his mouth was set in a hard line, and it hit me like a freight train what Mama was saying. She was going to die, and I was going to live with my uncle from now on.

He turned his gray eyes back to Mama and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I’ve only loved two people in this whole, shitty world. You and that little girl over there. You know I’ll watch out for her. Take care of her like she’s my very own.”

Mama nodded and let out a deep breath, and her whole body seemed to shrink in that second. It was like she’d been holding on for that moment, and now that she knew I was going to be okay, she was ready to leave.

“Thank you.” The words rasped out of her.

Uncle Seamus stood up and motioned for me to go to Mama. “Come on over here and say goodbye to your Mom, girl. She’s not gonna be around much longer.”

I started crying and my heart felt like it was on the verge of cracking in two, but I did what my uncle said. When I sat on the bed, Mama put her bony arms around me, but she was so weak it felt like I was being hugged by feathers. Not my mama. Not the woman who had carried me when I was sick or swung me around the park as we sang
London Bridges
. Not the person who had always been there to take care of me.

She pulled back and held my face between her hands, forcing me to look her in the eye. “Lucy, I want you to listen to your uncle. He loves you and he’ll do what’s best. What will keep you safe. Things are going to be different now. A lot of people have died, and the world is going to change. Uncle Seamus is ready for it. He’s been preparing for years, and he’ll be able to take care of you.”

Mama kissed me on the forehead. Her lips were dry and cracked and felt like sandpaper. So foreign. Nothing like the kisses she’d given me over the years. “I love you,” she whispered.

Then her hands fell away and she dropped back onto the bed, taking in a deep, raspy breath. My tiny body trembled as I watched her chest rise slowly, then fall. Once. Twice. On the third time, the inhale seemed to hurt, because her entire face scrunched up and she squeezed her eyes shut. Then her expression relaxed and one last breath eased from her lungs as her body went slack. Then nothing.

Sobs tore their way from me as tears streamed down my face. Uncle Seamus put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze, and I wasn’t sure because my sobs were so loud, but I thought I heard him whisper a prayer.

“She’s better this way, darling. It was hurting her to hold on like she was, and even though I know it’s hard to accept, she needed to let go. She knew I’d take care of you, and I will. I promise. If you and me live through this mess the government has gotten us into, we will be good for years. I have enough food and supplies to keep us going. To keep us strong ‘til all this gets sorted out.”

He grunted, then grabbed my elbow and gently pulled me to my feet. “We gotta get packed up, though. Get moving before all hell breaks loose. The survivors have started to riot in the cities and we’re too close here. My cabin will be safer.”

I didn’t want to leave Mama, but I’d promised her I’d listen to Uncle Seamus. So I stood and followed my Uncle into my room where he pulled out a suitcase. He plopped it on the bed and threw it open, motioning toward it.

“Get what you need. Toys. Books. I don’t have none of that stuff at my place.” He grabbed the picture off my bedside table and set it in the suitcase with a grunt. The one of my parents and me. “Take this. You’ll want to remember them. I doubt we’ll ever come back.”

I did as my uncle said, filling the bag with the things that were most important to me while he packed my clothes. Then he took my hand and led me to the front door. I did my best to memorize everything about the house as we walked through it. The little nook behind Daddy’s recliner where I liked to hide with my dolls. Mama’s piano in the corner where she’d sing me songs in the evening before I went to bed.

But my uncle moved too fast and there was no time to take it all in, especially with the tears in my eyes. I blinked them away as he opened the door, and gave one last desperate look around. I knew I was leaving my normal life behind, and the future was so uncertain and terrifying I didn’t know how to handle it.

“It will all be okay. You’ll be with me,” Uncle Seamus said as he led me out into the dark night.

It had been okay, too. For eleven years we lived together, and for the most part I was happy. But now, he was gone, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him again. It hurt to think about losing the man who had been my only parent and friend through most of my childhood.

The longer I sat, the more the grief in me turned to fear. Fear at being alone. At having Sawyer leave me too. I wiped the tears away and forced myself to get to work. I needed to be strong. It was what my uncle would have wanted. Plus, Sawyer needed clothes, and I had to show him how easy life with me could be. If he left, I wasn’t sure what that would mean for me.

I gathered a few more pairs of pants, and as I did it I couldn’t help thinking about that magazine. I knew it was stuffed in the back, and with Sawyer outside I had a few minutes to myself to look through it. The little booklet I had on sex had only answered a few of my questions. Would the magazine be more helpful?

My heart was beating faster than a hummingbird’s wings when I pulled the magazine out. I flipped it open, and just like before my entire body warmed from embarrassment. The image on that page was of a man lying on his back, totally nude while a woman leaned over him. He was hard, and the woman’s mouth was wrapped around him, her hands cupping his…balls. Just thinking the word made me flush from head to toe. But the expression on the man’s face was one of pure pleasure.

Was this the kind of thing Sawyer liked? He sure had liked it when he’d licked me, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. If this was something Sawyer wanted, I would be forced to give it to him to make him happy. Thinking about it, I was torn between repulsion and curiosity, and even though the thought of preforming such an act made my stomach uneasy, I could feel that fire beginning to build inside me once again. Maybe it wouldn’t be so awful…