More than Survival: A Post-apocalyptic Love Story (7 page)

He ran his hand over my head, brushing my red hair out of my face. “What else?” he asked, his eyes swimming with curiosity.

“I don’t remember a whole lot. I was young and most of the memories I have are blurry. I can vaguely recall going to a movie, but I’m not sure what it was about. There was a talking snowman and a lot of singing…” I frowned and shook my head. It was all too fuzzy. “I don’t know.”

Sawyer ran his hand over my head again, this time going down my back. The warmth of his skin on my spine felt good. It was strange, laying with a man when I wasn’t dressed—or laying against a man at all for that matter—but I liked it. I enjoyed the way his hard muscles felt against my chest. The way his body flexed when he moved, shifting under me. He made me feel safe and protected more than Seamus ever had, which was strange. My uncle had given me everything. For some reason, though, this man in front of me felt like a part of my life that had always been missing.

“What about you?” I asked. “What do you miss? You were older, so you must remember so much more of it.”

There was a wistful tone in my voice that surprised even me. I hadn’t realized until now how much I’d longed to hear about the past. Seamus had always lived liked this, except when he was young, and I knew his childhood hadn’t been good. He didn’t talk about it much, but the little bit I knew told me that.

Sawyer sighed, and the sound was long and sad. “I remember everything like it was yesterday. Sometimes, it’s still hard to remember it’s really gone.” He stopped rubbing my head, but his hand stayed on my back, warming my entire body.

“You sound sad.”

“It is sad. I mean, I miss stupid things, like electricity and cars, or being able to run to the mall to buy a pair of jeans when I rip them. I miss hot showers and sleeping in a warm bed. Not having to worry where my next meal will come from or what I’ll do if my roof gets a leak. But the big things are the ones that hurt. Like my parents and sister. They died from the virus while I was still away at college, and I never got to say goodbye. I regret that, and if I could go back just long enough to so goodbye, it would make me happy. Even if I had to come back to this reality.”

His eyes misted over, but he didn’t act embarrassed or try to blink them away, and I liked that about him. There was something so honest about Sawyer. So raw.

“So tell me you favorite story about your family. What’s the one thing you think about when you start to miss them?”

Sawyer smiled, and his whole face lit up. Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him so tight I could hardly breathe. “I love that you asked me that,” he said, his lips pressed against my head.

He didn’t let me go, and his mouth was still against the top of my head when he started to talk. “It’s a stupid story really, but it makes me smile. My family went on this dumb road trip the summer before my senior year of high school. I was pissed because I thought I was too old for a family vacation, and my sister, Valerie, was mad because her friends were all going to some concert she had to miss out on. I don’t even remember who it was, but it was probably somebody dumb. Justin Bieber or someone.” He chuckled against my head, and even though I had no idea who he was talking about, I smiled. “It started off miserable. Driving out to some remote area to go camping and hiking for a week. But we ended up spending most of the time huddled together in one tent because a storm moved in. It rained so hard the whole tent shook, and all we had to keep us busy was a deck of cards. We spent three days playing an epic tournament of euchre—that’s a card game—while we ate all the chocolate and marshmallows we’d brought for s’mores. It ended up being the best vacation ever.”

I was grinning from ear to ear, picturing Sawyer as a bratty teenager who was forced to have fun with his family. But when I pulled away so I could see his face, he had tears running down his cheeks.

“Oh, no,” I said, wiping them away. “Don’t cry. I’m sorry I made you talk about it.”

Sawyer smiled through the tears, then leaned up and kissed me. A firm kiss that shook my whole body with its force. When he pulled away, the tears were still there. “I’m glad. I think about that weekend all the time, but I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it in years. Not since—” His mouth formed a hard line and he looked away, but he didn’t loosen his grip on me.

“Who, Sawyer?” I felt like he was hiding something—or someone, really—and the jealousy that clenched my heart was sharp and uncomfortable. And surprising. I didn’t have any claim over this man. 

Sawyer shook his head, and he wouldn’t look at me. “No one.”

He wasn’t ready to talk about it, and as much as I wanted to know, I wouldn’t push him. I slid down his body until my head was resting on his chest, and closed my eyes. My ear was pressed firmly over his heart, and every time it pumped blood into his body it echoed through my head.

When I moved, my body shifted over his, and I felt something firm against my thigh. Something secret and hidden within the confines of his pants. It brought the magazine to mind, then I was thinking of what had just taken place between us. It didn’t make a lot of sense, knowing what we’d done and what he had hidden there.

“Do you feel bad for taking my virtue?” I said out of nowhere, my face so hot I was glad he couldn’t see it.

But Sawyer forced me to sit up so I was looking him in the eye. The corner of his mouth turned down, and he let out a deep sigh. “I shouldn’t have done what I did, but your virtue is still very much intact.”

I’d had one very awkward conversation with Uncle Seamus on the subject of sex, but he’d been fuzzy on the details. All I’d really learned from it was that I needed to guard my private area—the place between my legs—and keep it hidden from any men. The place Sawyer had just touched. I knew there was more, but thinking about what it involved made my cheeks flush and filled me with shame.

“So there’s more,” I said slowly, hating how stupid and childish I sounded, but hoping he could shed some light on the situation.

Sawyer’s eyebrows shot up and he swore under his breath, then wiggled out from under me. “Are you telling me you don’t even know what sex is?”

The wild look in his eyes made my heart beat harder. “Well, not
exactly
. I mean…” I blushed and hid my face. “Uncle Seamus didn’t give me a lot of details.”

Sawyer ran his hand through his hair. He looked a little lost, like he wasn’t sure what to say to me or how to handle the situation. Was he going to leave me?

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, looking down.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I’m such a stupid girl. I should have known someone with so much experience wouldn’t want to take me on. I’m too much work, I get it.”

I hung my head as tears filled my eyes, trying not to feel so useless. I knew I wasn’t totally worthless. After all, I’d managed to survive all these weeks without Seamus, but I could only imagine what a hassle I would be to a man who was as independent as Sawyer.

Sawyer scooted across the couch and put his hand on my knee. “Lucy, look at me.”

I forced myself to raise my head, sniffing back the tears.

“It’s not your fault,” Sawyer said, giving me a reassuring smile. “Your uncle should have filled you in a little more, that’s all.”

“He gave me a book, but reading it was so humiliating. I just couldn’t make myself do it.” I blushed just thinking about the horrifying book. Of course, after the magazine I’d just seen, the book might not seem so bad.

Sawyer patted my leg and gently asked, “Do you still have the book?” I nodded and he kept patting, which helped ease the tension inside me. “I can explain things if you want, or you can read it tonight. Whatever you think is best. If you decide to just read the book, I’ll answer any questions you have.”

“Any?” I asked, looking at him out of the corner of my eye. Reading the book would be hard, but listening to Sawyer explain how it all worked would make me feel like I was five years old.

“Any,” he said firmly.

“That sounds like a good idea.” A shiver went through my body when cold air swept through the room. Now that I was no longer pressed against Sawyer, goose bumps had started to form on my skin, reminding me that I was naked. “I should get dressed. Get some dinner made.”

Sawyer stood, taking my hand and pulling me with him. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me against his body. “Don’t worry so much. It’s going to be okay. I’ll make sure.”

Then he left me alone to get dressed, and it wasn’t until after he walked away that I realized he’d never promised to stay with me. I knew I’d thrown myself at him and it was all my fault, but I wanted to know what he was thinking. Only, I was too scared to ask.

warmed up what little bit of stew was left and took the bowls out to the living room so we could eat in front of the fire. Sawyer was silent, but relaxed, so I took the opportunity to get to know him better.

“So what did you do before?”

He stopped eating and a smile curled up his lips. “Wow. It’s been a long time since I thought about before. Let’s see…” His mouth scrunched up and he gently tapped his spoon on the side of his bowl. “I had just started college, but I still undeclared. To be honest, I wasn’t sure who I wanted to be when I grew up. Or maybe it was just that I didn’t want to grow up.” I laughed and he chuckled, then shook his head.

“So at eighteen you must have had a girlfriend or two…” I stirred my stew around, digging for a potato. They were my favorite, and I needed something to focus on so I didn’t have to look him in the eye.

“I did,” he said, drawing the words out.

“How many?” I cringed when the words were out. There was no way to make that question casual.

“Lucy, are you asking how many women I’ve had sex with?”

I nodded, then sank down in my chair.

“I think that’s a discussion for another day,” he said, but he didn’t sound mad. I looked up to find him smiling. “Let’s just get through the book first, okay?”

“Okay.”

I went back to my stew and even though I was embarrassed, the light mood stayed. Sawyer asked me about living with Seamus and what we’d done the last eleven years, acting impressed by pretty much everything I told him. Growing vegetables, canning them, making soap, catching the rabbits.

He dug in his bowl and fished out a piece of meat, then popped it into his mouth. “So this is rabbit stew?”

“Yeah, but not one of ours. I went hunting before the weather got too bad and killed one.”

His eyebrows shot up, getting lost under the dark hair that hung over his forehead. “You went hunting?” I nodded. “With a bow?” I nodded again, and he smiled. “And you shot a rabbit?” When I nodded the third time, his smile grew so big that I swear it lit the cabin up.

“Seamus likes to hunt, so sometimes we get other meat. But he’s always been afraid to leave me for too long.”

“He sounds like a very smart man.”

“He is. I’m lucky he was so prepared, but more than that I’m happy he cared about me enough to share all this knowledge. I know he may have dropped the ball on the sex stuff, but otherwise he’s worked really hard to prepare me for the world.”

Sawyer nodded thoughtfully. “I guess it’s probably pretty difficult being a single dad to girl.”

I let out a little laugh, remembering how Seamus had stumbled all over himself when I’d had my first menstrual cycle. “For an average man it would be difficult, for Seamus it was pretty much his worst nightmare.”

“Worse than the world being wiped out?” Sawyer asked.

“Are you serious? Seamus was a prepper, I’m pretty sure he’s been having a blast for the most part. I think his only regret is my mom’s death. If it wasn’t for that, he’d be in heaven.”

“So he was your mom’s brother?”

“Older by two years. They were really close growing up, which was good because they had pretty crappy parents. Always out partying from what Seamus told me. Druggies. I think that’s why Seamus ended up the way he did. He grew up expecting the worst and knowing he couldn’t trust anyone but my mom. It was natural for him to gather supplies and be ready for anything.”

Sawyer nodded a few times like he was thinking the whole thing through, then he frowned. “I’m sorry I won’t get to meet him.”

“Me too.” I let out a deep sigh and pushed my empty bowl away. “I keep hoping he’ll find his way home, but after four weeks, I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

“You never know, Lucy. Don’t give up.”

I nodded slowly and did my best to cling to the tiny shred of hope that still lived inside me, but it wasn’t easy. It seemed impossible that Seamus would come back now.

Suddenly Sawyer stood, pushing his chair away from the table as he collected the bowls. “I’ll do the dishes if you want to get some reading done.”

His words were casual, but I couldn’t help wondering if he was excited at the prospect. Men liked sex, didn’t they? I’d always gotten the impression from Seamus that they really enjoyed it, so Sawyer must be looking forward to it. Right?

“Sounds good,” I said, my heart pounding so hard it drowned out the noise of the fire as I headed toward my bedroom.

It took me a few minutes to locate the book Seamus had given me after I’d started my cycles. I’d thumbed through it once, almost too horrified to read more than a couple paragraphs, then shoved it in one of my drawers. Which is exactly where I found it now, crumpled up behind a couple old sweaters.

The bedroom door was open a crack when I sat down on my bed and opened the book, starting at the beginning. It went over the basics of the female anatomy as well as puberty, which was information I already knew. I’d gotten my cycle when I was twelve, and since then my breasts had gotten large and full and hair had grown exactly where it was supposed to. Other than that though, I was a little in the dark.

When I got to the section on the male body, all I could think about were the pictures in that magazine. My eyes ran over the diagram, reading all the labels and footnotes so I knew what they did. Then I got to the part that talked about how the male penis got erect and understanding dawned on me. What I had seen in the magazine wasn’t how it looked all the time, which was why Sawyer was able to hide the thing so well.

With that question answered, I turned to the chapter on intercourse. It talked about the woman’s body providing natural lubrication to prepare her for sex, which brought to mind how wet I’d been earlier. Apparently, the man needed stimulation to become erect, and when the woman was wet like that he was able to then slide into—

I sat up, slamming the book shut. Holy crap! So I’d been right. I’d suspected that’s what was supposed to happen, but the concept had been too scary for me to focus on it for very long. Now, though, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. When Sawyer had his finger inside me earlier, it had felt so good. I could only imagine how amazing the real act would feel. Just thinking about it made my body heat up. But the picture I’d seen made it look so large! Was it possible? It had to be, but I didn’t know how. I thought about what it had felt like to have Sawyer’s finger sliding in and out of me, and the heat in my body grew. I squirmed, remembering Sawyer’s lips on mine. How he sucked my nipple into his mouth. The more I thought about it, the hotter my body became. My nipples stiffened, rubbing against the fabric of my shirt. I felt the now familiar moisture between my legs, and without thinking, I slid my hand down my body.

Almost on their own, my fingers undid the button on my pants and I moved my hand lower, anticipating the way my fingers would slide against my wetness. I gasped when I found it, closing my eyes. I wasn’t as wet as I’d been earlier, but it still felt good. I moved my fingers lower, faster. Finding that little nub. A moan broke out of my mouth.

“Lucy?” Sawyer rushed into the room and my eyes flew open. My hand was still down my pants, and the second he laid eyes on me, he froze. “What are you doing?”

I was torn between the urge to hide and the desire to pull him to me. My hand hadn’t moved from its original position, which meant there was no way to escape my situation. And when Sawyer took a step closer to me, I didn’t want to. Not with when I saw the desire flashing in his blue eyes.

“I’m wet again,” I whispered.

Sawyer bit his lip as he crossed the room to me. He pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor, then picked the book up off the bed and flipped it open. “You got some reading done?”

I moved my finger over the little nub and moaned again. I’d forgotten about it when I looked through the book, so I had no idea what it was called. But it felt so good when I touched it.

“Some,” I whispered.

Sawyer licked his lips, and his eyes moved down. He watched me rub myself with an interest I hadn’t expected. “Do you have any questions?” The invitation in his voice was unmistakable.

My heart beat faster and I finally stopped touching myself. This was the opening I’d been wanting.

I sat up, pulling my own shirt off as I moved across the bed until I was sitting in front of Sawyer. My fingers played with the button on his pants and I gazed up at him. “This. I want to know how it becomes erect.”

Sawyer ran his hands down my shoulders, then over my breasts, teasing my nipples as I undid the button on his pants. I squeezed my thighs together when heat moved through me, then tried to pull his pants down. He wouldn’t let me. He took a step back, then slowly pulled them down himself. Kicking them off. Then he stood in front of me naked, and all I could do was stare at his penis. It was so much bigger than I’d imagined. So much bigger than his finger. How was that supposed to fit
inside
me?

He wrapped his fingers around it and moved his hand up and down. Over and over again. Slowly, it stiffened and grew. Getting bigger. I scooted back, my eyes growing wide with apprehension as he grew in size.

“Hard. We say hard, not erect.” Sawyer moved his hand faster. “When I rub it like this, it gets hard.”

“Do you always need to do that to get it,” I swallowed, “hard?”

“No. Just looking at you could get me hard. Your bare tits,” he cupped my right breast with his free hand, giving it a squeeze, “just looking at them will turn me on.”

“What else,” I whispered, sucking in a deep breath as he rubbed my nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

“Watching you touch yourself.”

I looked up, meeting his gaze. “You like that?”

“It’s so hot.”

Sawyer stopped stroking himself and gently pushed me back, then eased my pants off me. When they were gone, he grabbed my hand and pulled it down so my fingers were once again stroking my moisture.

“Push a finger inside,” he whispered.

I obliged without hesitating, gasping at the warmth moisture of my body closing around the digit. Then I mimicked what Sawyer had done earlier, moving my finger in and out. My eyes rolled back in my head and I moved my finger faster. It felt so good.

“God, Lucy.” I looked up, meeting Sawyer’s gaze only to find him stroking himself as he watched me.

“Sawyer,” I whispered. “I know what I want from you now.”

“What do you want?” he asked, still stroking himself.

“I want you to put it inside my vagina.”

“Pussy,” Sawyer said, climbing onto the bed. “Say pussy.”

His mouth covered mine and his tongue plunged inside. He moved my hand away and shoved a finger inside me. It was bigger than mine, and it made me feel so full. So much fuller than my own finger had. How would he fit in me for real?

“I want you to put it in my pussy,” I said against his lips.

“Tell me to fuck you, Lucy.”

I didn’t know what his words meant, but they made me squirm. His tone was so primal. Hot and passionate. Begging for me to want him. And I did. I wanted him so, so much.

“Fuck me.”

Sawyer groaned and shoved my legs apart, moving between them. He grabbed his hard length, positioning it at my opening. Rubbing it up and down. I squirmed under him and whimpered, bucking my hips up like I was desperate for him to be inside me. Sawyer eased forward just a little.