More than Survival: A Post-apocalyptic Love Story (10 page)

I turned to a page that was covered with words and began to skim, my face growing hotter with each passing moment. It was a story about a man and a woman who had just met and decided to have sex. It was graphic, but reading it gave me a little more insight into sex. And it helped me understand it all a bit more. I learned that the little nub I enjoyed so much was called a clit, and that when my body felt like it was going to explode I was experiencing an orgasm. There were so many new words and acts in just that one story that it made my head spin. I couldn’t believe how much more Sawyer had to show me.

The door opened in the other room, and my heart almost stopped when I heard the now familiar sound of Sawyer stomping his boots against the floor to rid them of snow. My hands were shaking when I shoved the magazine back in the drawer, pulling a pair of pants over it so Sawyer wouldn’t see it or know I’d found if he already knew the thing existed.

I scrambled to my feet and hurried from the room, my cheeks hot and my body even hotter.

“All ready for you to cook!” Sawyer said when I stepped into the kitchen.

He had a huge grin on his face when he held up the rabbit, dead and skinned, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. The images from the magazine were burned into my brain, and I was sure if I looked right at him he’d know what I’d seen.

When I didn’t respond, he lowered the rabbit and took a step closer to me. “Are you okay, Lucy?”

“Fine!” I said a little too loudly, then flushed all over again. “I’m okay. I just—” I swallowed and willed myself to think about something other than the magazine. “I thought I’d take in some of Seamus’s clothes for you, and it made me sad. Thinking I may never see him again.”

Sawyer stepped closer, and I was pretty sure he would have hugged me if he hadn’t been holding a dead rabbit. “I’m sorry, Lucy.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered, feeling slightly guilty for using my uncle’s memory to explain away my discomfort.

I set the pants down, then took the rabbit from Sawyer so I could get the stew started. He’d be hungry soon, and I didn’t want to keep him waiting. My goal was to keep him happy, after all.

“Why don’t you relax by the fire and get warm while I get this started?”

He didn’t argue, and when he finally left the kitchen I was able to breathe a little easier. But I was also alone with my thoughts, and no matter how many jars I opened or how busy I kept my hands, I couldn’t banish the images from that magazine completely. The one of the woman sucking on the man was especially burned into my brain. Having Sawyer’s mouth on me had felt amazing, and I couldn’t help wondering if he would want the same thing. Would it feel as good for him?

With the stew simmering, I went into the other room to join Sawyer. He was stretched out on the couch with his head back, and the heavy sound of his breathing was just audible over the crackling fire. Without giving myself time to think it through, I crossed the room and kneeled in front of him. My hands trembled when I undid his pants, but he barely stirred. It wasn’t until I reached in and wrapped my fingers around him that he lifted his head. He was groggy, but awake, and he didn’t make a move to stop me as I ran my hands up and down his soft shaft.

“God, Lucy, you’re going to be the death of me,” he groaned, moving forward a bit so I could free him from his pants now that he was hard.

I moved my hand faster while I worked up the courage, uncertain of how it would taste or how he would react. His eyes got bigger when I moved my face closer, sticking out my tongue ever so slightly. He shifted under me, raising his hips just a little until my tongue brushed against the head. I ran my tongue over it, and he groaned, leaning his head back. The sound gave me courage. I closed my lips over him, sucking the length of him into my mouth as far as I could. Sawyer gasped, and grabbed my head, urging me to move up and down faster. He hit the back of my throat, and I gagged slightly, but he didn’t slow. He thrust his hips up, his hands tangled in my hair as I moved my tongue over his hard shaft.

It only took a few minutes for his breathing to increase and his hands to tighten on my head. “I want to finish in your mouth,” he said, but the words came out as a little bit of a groan. “Can you swallow it?”

I couldn’t talk, and even though my heart was pounding so hard I knew he had to be able to hear it, I nodded. The idea of swallowing that sticky mess made my stomach flip, but I wanted to make him happy. Needed to do what he wanted.

Sawyer moved faster, his hands tightening even more. He pounded in and out of my mouth, making it almost impossible to breathe. The image of the woman massaging the man’s balls popped into my head, and I reached out, taking them in my hand. Squeezing. A groan ripped its way out of Sawyer, and his body jerked as hot liquid filled my mouth. Without thinking I swallowed, and when it hit my stomach I didn’t even gag.

When he was done, Sawyer grabbed me and pulled me up so I was resting on his lap. He didn’t hesitate to kiss me the way I had with him, and the act was so sweet it made my heart tremble in a way I’d never felt before.

“I don’t know what made you do that, but thank you.” He let out a sharp laugh, and kissed me on the forehead. “I’m starting to think you have a few erotic novels on that bookshelf of yours. You’re too innocent to be coming up with this stuff on your own.”

I curled up against him, not saying a word, and when he wrapped his arms around me a smile snaked its way out of my body and to my lips. The act hadn’t been repulsive or unpleasant, and it had made him so happy that even if it had been disgusting, it was worth it. If I kept this up, there was no way he’d leave me when spring came.

he weeks went by and we fell into a familiar pattern. Sawyer taking on the hard labor, me tending to the stuff around the house. We had sex in every room and in every position imaginable. When he was worn out from chopping wood or when I had my monthly cycle, I took care of him with my mouth. I did whatever it took to make him happy, and in return felt happy as well.

The more time we spent together, the more I came to savor his touch. There was something in it that hadn’t been there before. A gentleness in his caress. His desire to take his time and please me. To make sure every second of our time together was as good for me as it was for him. I couldn’t explain it exactly. He still favored rougher sex, bending me over the table and thrusting into me so hard that the furniture slammed against the wall, but when he kissed me afterwards, it was more gentle and passionate than it had been before.

More than that, was the way my heart ached when I caught his eye across the room or the way my breath caught in my throat when he kissed the side of my head. I began to ache not just for his touch, but for the time we spent curled up by the fire talking. I wanted to know everything about Sawyer, from his childhood to his time since the world had ended, and I wanted him to know everything about me.

I was falling in love, and the deeper I fell, the more terrified I became at the prospect of him leaving.

He still never finished inside me, and even though the thought of being a mom was scary, a plan slowly began to formulate in my brain. If I was carrying his child, he couldn’t leave. Sawyer was too good of a man to do that to me. I had to work fast though, spring was just around the corner and time was running out.

Sawyer rubbed his icy hands together, trying to keep them warm. I handed him a mug of hot water, and he took it, smiling gratefully.

“Sorry there’s no more tea,” I said, feeling like I’d failed to take care of him.

Sawyer nodded and wrapped his hands around the mug. “As soon as the snow melts, I’ll have to head out.”

My heart almost stopped, and I couldn’t find any words.

He didn’t seem to notice though, and the expression on his face told me he was lost in thought. Was he wondering about his house? How it had fared all this time without him? Was he wishing the spring would come soon so he could leave me?

Tears sprang to my eyes, but I blinked them back. Time was getting away from me, and I needed to put my plan into action. Now.

“You still look cold.” I took a step closer to him, taking the mug from his hand and setting it on the table.

He grinned, and his blue eyes flashed. “You have something in mind that will heat me up faster?”

“I do,” I said, nodding.

I undid his pants in one quick motion, then dropped to my knees. I felt wild and desperate when I pulled them down. He wasn’t hard yet, but that didn’t stop me. I wrapped my lips around him, earning a moan from Sawyer. Within seconds, he was so hard he threatened to choke me. Sawyer’s hands wrapped in my hair the way they usually did as he thrust into my mouth. In and out, so fast I could barely breathe.

But having him finish in my mouth wouldn’t get me pregnant, and that was the goal here.

I pulled away, untangling myself from his grasp, then grabbed his hand and led him to the couch. Somewhere along the way, he managed to get his pants off completely, so when I shoved him onto the couch he was already naked from waist down. He pulled his shirt over his head, and I followed his lead. My pants were right behind as a frantic feeling came over me. I needed to make this work, but I wasn’t sure how.

Sawyer smiled when I climbed on top of him. His hands grasped my hips as I wrapped my hand around his hard shaft, stroking gently. Then I lowered myself onto him, savoring the way he filled me up. I moved my body up and down as fast as I could, forcing him up into me. His fingers dug into my hips, and I had the feeling his was trying to slow me down, but I wouldn’t let him. I grabbed his shoulders and moved faster. He grunted, then all at once I felt his body arching up to meet mine, slamming into me until I cried out with each thrust. I wanted him to lose control. I needed him to forget where he was and to fill me with his seed.

“Fuck me!” I cried out, hoping to distract him even more.

Sawyer’s hands gripped me tighter, then he flipped me onto my back. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head has he slammed into me over and over, so hard the couch moved with the power of his thrusts.

“Yes!” I screamed, feeling my orgasm building, knowing that soon I was going to explode, and so was he.

Sawyer’s hold on my wrists tightened and he gave one last powerful thrust, brining me over the edge. My body trembled from the inside out, and Sawyer groaned as his whole body jerked above mine, releasing his seed.

He was still inside me.

Sawyer took a few deep breaths, then all at once his body stiffened. “Shit.” When he pulled out of me, a look of horror crossed his face. “Shit, Lucy! I didn’t mean to do that. Dammit! How could I be so careless?”

Then he was on his feet, pacing the room. He looked so agitated that I almost felt bad, but the little sliver of triumph inside me was hard to deny. I’d gotten what I wanted, and it hadn’t even been that hard.

“Sawyer, calm down,” I said, working to control my voice. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

He shook his head, refusing to look at me. “What if you get pregnant? What will we do then?”

I swallowed, hating how terrified he sounded at the prospect of having to stay with me.

“I’ll figure it out.” I turned my face away, hiding it behind my arm as real tears sprang to my eyes. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Shit.” Sawyer was next to me in a second, pulling my arms away, kissing my face. “I’m so sorry, Lucy. Sorry for being such an idiot, then making you think I wouldn’t be here for you. It wouldn’t be all on you. If you get pregnant, I’ll be here to take care of you.”

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and forced out a timid smile. “Thank you.”

He pulled me into his lap and kissed the top of my head. “It probably won’t happen, anyway. I mean, I’ve heard a woman can only get pregnant a few days out of the month. What are the odds that this is one of those days? We’ll just be more careful from now on. I promise, I won’t put you in this position again.”

Ice filled my veins. Was that true? Could I only get pregnant a few days out of the month? If that were the case, then this may have been for nothing. He could still leave me.

Sobs worked their way out of me, shaking my entire body, and no matter how hard I tried to swallow them down, I couldn’t. Just the thought of watching Sawyer walk out the door for good had my heart breaking into a million pieces.

Sawyer’s arms tightened around me, and he stroked my head like I was a tiny child. “Shhh. It will be okay. I’ll be here. We have a few weeks until we find out for sure, but it will be okay. I shouldn’t have made you worry. I shouldn’t have been so irresponsible. I’m so sorry, Lucy.”

I spent the next couple weeks trying to get Sawyer to make the same mistake, but he was good to his word. Every time we were together, he pulled out.

The days got warmer, and the snow began to melt. On more than one occasion Sawyer mentioned heading out in spring, and each time I felt like I was going to die. I knew my monthly cycle should be coming soon, and I also knew that whether or not I had it would define my future.

I woke one morning in early March to find my answer, and the sight of the red on my sheets was like a dagger in my heart. Sawyer was still sleeping, and I was careful not to wake him as I slipped out of bed. I didn’t want him to witness my tears.

I could hardly hold in the sobs as I made my way to the kitchen. They shook my body and tore at my heart, and no matter how hard I tried to control myself, I couldn’t. The snow was almost gone, and now that I knew for sure I wasn’t pregnant, there was nothing to keep Sawyer here. I was certain he’d leave me the second he found out.

“Lucy?”

The sound of Sawyer’s voice brought on a fresh wave of sobs, and for the first time since before I’d decided he was trustworthy, I desperately wished for a place to hide from him. But there was nowhere. The cabin was too small and Sawyer was too close, and I didn’t have any clothes on, so running outside wasn’t an option. I was trapped, and once he saw me I’d be forced to tell him the truth. And that would be the end of my happiness.

Sawyer looked terrified when he stepped into the kitchen. Like me, he was naked, and even through my tears I couldn’t help looking him over. I wanted to memorize every inch of his body so when he was gone I could remember him.

He grabbed my arms, his eyes flashing with worry. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

I swallowed, trying to force the words out through the tears, but my throat was so sore from crying that it wasn’t easy. Sawyer pushed me into a chair, then got me a glass of water, allowing me to collect myself. By the time he finally took a seat next to me, I was able to talk. Only, I still didn’t want to.

“What?” he asked again, sounding impatient.

“I-I got my cycle.” Once the words were out, fresh tears sprang to my eyes, and Sawyer let out a sigh of relief that only made my sobs increase.

“Why are you crying?” he asked, shaking his head in confusion. “Isn’t this what we were hoping for?”

“That day, when you did
that
inside me, I did it on purpose.” I was crying so hard that the words came out distorted, but I was tired of hiding the truth. He was about to leave, but before he did I would tell him how I felt for real.

Sawyer’s eyes got huge, and he scooted his chair back like he couldn’t stand to be close to me. The expression on his face was a mixture of confusion and…Fear? It was hard to tell.