More than Just Sex (17 page)

And that’s what I’ll teach you: the good bits, but also the ethical ones to enhance your natural self, not simply to trick a pretty girl into bed. Hypnosis and NLP techniques work extremely well if, and I emphasize the word if, you have the self-confidence and congruency that is required to make them stick; not to mention gaining a rapport with her in the first place. Get it wrong, and you just look like the wordy weirdo who is proof that ‘care in the community’ isn’t working.

Many of the books and workshops that teach this form of manipulation as a way to seduce women, fall short of truly explaining and teaching you what you actually need to know. But if any part of you holds the belief that you can’t attract women and don’t deserve a high-quality girl in your life, then a few slick, suggestive words are not all that you need to get her.

And if that’s still you now, then please go back and start reading this book again right from the beginning. You’ve obviously missed
something
.

3. THE ‘ALPHA MALE’ SEDUCTION

This last method, to be honest, is probably not you. By virtue of the fact that you are reading a book about meaningful relationships and not out there right now, puffing out your chest and demanding attention, the ‘alpha-male’ approach is not going to be a natural fit either.

Being an alpha male is more a way of life than a method or technique. Alpha males attract and get beautiful women because they simply believe that they deserve and expect to have a beautiful woman in their life. Sure, he might give her gifts or even run patterns or scripts on his woman to create a sense of complete and total satisfaction in her with him. But basically he believes this is because it is what he has CHOSEN to do. At all times, the choice is his, because he has worked on his beliefs and ‘inner game’ (to borrow a PUA term) so much that he knows it is his choice to create his reality.

For you, the hybrid, the good guy who has picked up a book about gaining and maintaining a meaningful relationship, the secret to your success is to be found in using a little bit of each of these strategies, all blended with a huge dose of the authentic you of course. And, as you might have guessed, that is exactly what we are going to do in this section. We are going to define and refine your strategy from a ‘pick ’n’ mix’ of options, which all work but may or may not work for you. You only need one or two to become a legend but first we need to find out what kind of guy you are naturally, so we can find the best-fit approach for you.

WHO ARE YOU?

CHARMER

Are you the guy with a line for everyone? The type who believes that he can talk his way into and out of any situation? You have charmed women into bed in the past and your modus operandi is ‘smooth talking’. The downside is that you rarely find a girl that can hold your attention. And if you do then you get such a kick from your success that you still try it on much more than you should, and she hates it.

PLAYER

You’re in danger of getting whiplash as you scan the bar looking for the better option. Even if you’re actually not that successful, you like to keep your options open and never really commit, just in case something better comes along.

FRIEND

As the title suggests, you are honest and dependable and have lots of female friends that call on you as a surrogate boyfriend – until they get a real one, of course. Then you’re dropped in favour of the real thing. You believe that getting close is the key to getting more, but you struggle to make that transition from friend to boyfriend, even though it is your best strategy and the only game you know.

GENTLE

You’re the guy who knows exactly what you should do if only you got the chance. You know you’d make a great boyfriend and would care for her better than the jerk she’s with, but she just doesn’t see you like that. She doesn’t need a carer; she wants a lover.

INTELLECTUAL

You’re smarter than the average bear, and part of her loves you for it. You share lots of common ground, but the Earth doesn’t move for her, so she goes off with the other more exciting guy and leaves you to your books.

FLASHY

You’ve got all the right stuff and you love to show it. Your idea of impressive is to talk about yourself and what you can do, have done and have collected along the way. You are likely to have had some success, but only at a very superficial level. When the stories and stuff run out, so does she.

SPORTY

The title says it all: your self-worth is wrapped up in your handicap or score or six-pack. There’s no doubt you’re easy on the eye, but what happens when she wants more? The brain is the body’s biggest sex organ and you can’t give that a workout in the gym.

FUN GUY

There are some girls you can laugh into bed (they’re usually auditory), but while the rest love your company and laugh at your jokes, they don’t want to date you and just like you as a ‘friend’. You are nice to have around, just not after lights out.

TOUGH GUY

You’re just the right amount of mean and moody without being scary, but you seldom show emotion or talk about how you feel. Real men don’t do feelings, right? Well, real women do and, while some might enjoy the security you offer, she will be wanting more and won’t be scared to go and get it.

PROVIDER

You’re Mr Dependable, she can rely on you for anything she needs, you are the steady hand on the tiller – at least in a resources sense, anyway – but what about the rest? Where’s the excitement? Or the connection? Or the emotion? Or the sexiness? You’re nice to have, but you’re her safety net, not her soul mate.

MR SOLID

Like the Provider, you’re a safe pair of hands and you are content and comfortable in who you are. She knows where you’ll be at all times. You’ll be exactly where you say you’ll be and you likely expect the same from her, and hate when plans get changed. You can’t see why she would want to just go with the flow and can’t tell you what time she’ll be in. You probably assume that means she’s up to no good.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

I did not put this list together; the very women you are trying to attract did. This was what
I learned
doing my fieldwork, asking the questions to which you really need to know the answers.

You see, when I started my research for this section I asked the women in question for their favourite type of guy, the kind of guy they are really attracted to. That’s where the headings came from, so those 11 types are ‘officially’ the most desirable male characteristics.

Then I asked them what the biggest turn-off about that kind of guy is. That’s where the description comes from. All the types have lots of positives, too, that’s why they are attractive in the first place, but the downside characteristics will be the deal-breakers.

We are all multifaceted, and we have spoken a lot about the need to externalize who we really are, but now it’s time to take this a step further.

Next I asked them what they would like to find in the ‘ideal’ man.

Interested? I certainly was. The answer was that they would like a bit of each, a pick ’n’ mix if you like, but when I drilled down even further, I found that
three
really is the magic number. To be considered a GREAT catch, and to be fully living up to your dating potential, you need to be externalizing three of these ‘types’.

That’s the secret: tick her boxes three times and she’s in, and so are you!

So which three are you?

1. ______________________________________
   
2. ______________________________________
   
3. ______________________________________
   

And even after all the work we have done, are you externalizing those three types, or conveying them in a way that she will get easily and quickly?

If you want to be a great catch – and believe me, being a ‘great’ catch and a good fit will drastically reduce the number of future issues you have in your relationship – then you need to be able to tick at least three of the desirability boxes. It might take a little work on your part, but that’s something you absolutely can control, and so it’s over to you. If you don’t see it and make the change yourself, she’ll try to do it for you, and you won’t like that!

GET IT RIGHT AT THE START

Most of the contentious issues in relationships come from one of two things. The first is communication, or rather the lack of it, but we’ll deal with that later. The second is that we have a tendency to plump for ‘good enough’, and then try to change the bits we don’t like.

Both sexes do it, but the secret to a successful meaningful relationship is to start with the right partner in the first place. You might think this odd coming from someone who has built his reputation on affecting change around the world, but in my experience people don’t really change that much. They might change an ‘aspect’
of their ‘behaviour’ but only ever if they want to change it themselves.

Trying to get someone to change their natural way against their will is just not going to happen, yet we have all tried and all think we can be the one to do it. Here’s a reality check: what you get is 99% of what you end up with. What you see is what you get; it is not a starting point from which to work. The more someone tries to exert their will against yours, the more you push back against it. You find ways to rebel even if you don’t consciously know you are doing it.

The secret to a successful long-term relationship is to externalize all the key aspects that you want to attract in your partner and be clear about what you are looking for in return, and on what you are, and are not, prepared to compromise. There are some things that matter and there are others that don’t, but you have to know which they are for you.

So if you want avoid the
BBBs
(
Bunny Boiling Behaviours
) you need to get clear on the AA-A (Authentic Attraction-Action).

‘Before I met my husband I made a wish list of what qualities I was looking for in a partner. While making it, I realized how important it is to have the same values and beliefs. Honesty, loyalty [Friend] and kindness [Gentle] were at the top of my list together with finding someone who was content and confident in who they are as a person [Mr Solid]. Ultimately though I believe in love, which I think is an important ingredient in finding love with someone else.’

Camilla Dallerup – Strictly Come Dancing Champion and model

If you gave any of your female friends the ‘types’ list and asked them to pick your three, I’m sure they would have no problem doing it. If you asked your ex-girlfriends to do it, would they pick the same as selection as you? I’m betting not.

My money would be on that you’d agree on one or two, but that the third would be the source of the issues that broke the relationship. But for now, just try the following exercise. Have a guess at how an ex would prioritize your characteristics from the list, and then pick which three (if you can get to three) you would choose for yourself. Mismatched, right? Of course, if they weren’t, she very likely wouldn’t be your ex.

WHAT’S YOUR TYPE?

Here’s the list again, for you to tick the types that you think reflect ‘you’ and which ones your ex might choose.

KNOW THYSELF

It’s vitally important to know who you are and what you want. You don’t have to know specifically what she looks like or even where to find her, but you do need to know the three top characteristics that are going to make you a good fit for each other. In short, you need to tick her top three boxes and she needs to tick yours. If you do that, then you have a very good chance of finding the kind of relationship you are looking for: one that is fulfilling at all the important levels for each of you, and one where there is more right than wrong, and more harmony than change. Once you have that, you need to be able to make the first move towards that end goal. That first step, as with anything else, is the simplest and the most critical.

But even if you are using the right bait in the right pond and ticking her three boxes, you still need to know how to fish. No use keeping all your quality bait in your bag and just sitting, eating your sandwiches and then going home with an empty net. Even with everything all lined up, social conditioning dictates that you still have some work to do to make the connection.

• You don’t have to worry about rejection, because you can read the signals now and know exactly who’s into you.
  
• You don’t have to worry about there not being a connection, because if you are externalizing the real you and she thinks that’s hot, then that’s lined up, too.
  
• And you don’t have any pressure invested in the outcome, so it feels easy to connect with her, in the spirit of ‘this is me, who are you?’ Let’s find out…