Maggie on the Bounty (3 page)

When he
came to me, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "You keep an eye on
her.  You tell me if you see anything strange."

"Sure
thing, Father Killarney!" I chirped back, probably a bit too chirpy.

Mindy watched him as he left and
shook her head, sort of bemused.  "That was weird."

"Let's
go look around the ship!" I suggested, trying to
change the subject, probably a bit too subject-changily.

That was
two "bit too"s in a row and the family was starting to look at me
strangely.  One more and someone was going to call me on my bullshit.  I just
got up, hoping folks would follow suit.

Austin
gave Mindy a kiss.  "Like the priest said.  You're a weird family."

We left
the ballroom and took the elevator up to the promenade deck.  It was this
indoor/outdoor stretch of dark-planked wood that went
the entire length of the boat.  The place was so huge, you could totally play a
game of football.  A very, very narrow game of football.  It was covered, but
the walls were open to the outside so that passengers could go get some fresh
air without the sun beating down upon their heads.  There were deck chairs and
little shops, a couple of displays showing off pictures of what the boat used
to look like and the celebrities who once sailed upon her. 

Her story
morphed into her days as the Ghost Spirit army ship.  There were pictures of
thousands of army troops smooshed shoulder-to-shoulder on her decks.  I looked
at the photograph of all the soldiers stacked into their bunks like sardines
and my breath stopped.  I recognized one of the guys.

"Hey, look!  It is Rex
Turner!" I said, laughing.

"Who is that?" Mindy
asked.

Dad elbowed his way forward and
squinted through the Plexiglas. "So it is!"

"Vampire we hauled in last
Christmas.  He got a job playing Santa at the mall.  Whenever the grownups
would come sit on his lap, he'd get himself a little Christmas cheer, too.  The
CDC thought it was an outbreak of the bird flu.  Folks were blaming the bites
on monster mosquitoes or something."

"Ho ho ho," said Mindy
sardonically as she looked closer at the picture.

"And to think we're walking
the very same planks he walked.  Wonder what other vampires used this boat to
cross the Atlantic?"

"No telling," said my
dad, wrapping his arm around Mom's shoulder.  "Who knows... there could be
one here right now."  He bit her neck playfully and she squealed like a
thirteen- year-old girl. 

I covered Killian's eyes.
"You're not ready for this horror, elf." 

We headed topside and got a chance
to look into the bridge and Captain's quarters.  They still had some of the old
guns that the military mounted on the front deck.  They were big enough to take
down an airplane, but covered in so many layers of lead-based paint, it was
pretty clear their days of service were long since over.  Up near the
smokestacks was a shuffleboard deck and a great view of the city.  More towards
the back was an old infirmary with a list of all the folks that died on the
ship.  It totally gave me the creeps, but Mom acted as if it was nothing but an
empty old room, so I chalked it up to champagne and general paranoia.  Folks
started pooping out about the time we hit the poop deck, so we decided to call
it quits.

"Aren't you heading out with
us?" asked Mom as she gave me a hug.

"I'm going to hit the little
girls’ room first," I said.  The drive to The Other Side was a bit more of
a slog than their jaunt up to Pasadena.

Mindy gave me a squeeze. 
"We'll see you next week!"

"Thanks
for breakfast.  And congratulations, sis."

"This
little one is going to have the safest babysitter on the planet," Austin
laughed.  "No monsters in the closet this time around!"

Mindy gave
me a smile.  "You're going to be a great auntie."

"Aw! 
Get out of here, you crazy kids, before Mindy gestates and has
this baby right here on the boat!"

They
laughed, pretending I said something far wittier than what actually came
out of my mouth, and headed on out.  I jerked my head towards
the indoor direction and said, "I'll be right back, Killian."

"I
shall wait for you here," he replied, leaning against the railing and
relaxing, all zen and happy.

Famous last words.

I
walked over to the sink to wash
my hands.  Despite the ship being a floating museum of days gone by, the loo
was a wonderland of modern touchless technology.  There was an automatic soap
dispenser over the sink, but someone got the timer all mixed up.  Every time I
moved my hands close, it would sit there staring dumbly at me.  When I moved
them away, it squirted.  I ran my hand beneath it and nada.  FINALLY I hit the
automatic eye and it shot out a little stream of white foam into my hands.  As
I ran my hands under the water, suddenly the soap dispenser wouldn't quit
spurting at me.

"Technology," I muttered,
pulling my hands away to turn off the water.

And then, with the water off, all
the soap pooled at the bottom of the sink, then bubbled into a word:  "Death."

Fuck.

"A haunted soap dispenser?!?"
I shouted.  "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I looked around.  I was the only
lady in the ladies room so couldn't grab anyone to verify that this was what
was going on.

But there it was staring at me: 
"Death."

I pulled out my phone and snapped a
picture.  I shook my finger at the bubbles, which weren't going anywhere. 
"Okay, I don't know who you are or what's going on, but if you're a ghost,
you're going to have to talk to my mom.  She's the only one who can hear you
types."

Nobody appeared.

"If, by some chance, you are referring
to the death of my family, however, I will hunt you down and drag you off to a
dimension where you will beg to be put out of your misery."

Again nothing.

I walked out of the bathroom and
grabbed Killian's shirt.

He looked down at my wet hands.
"They have a wondrous invention called a 'towel' nowadays."

"Could I borrow you for just a
sec?" I asked, dragging him away before he had a chance to turn me down. 
I pushed him into the restroom.

"Maggie, I do not believe I
should be going in—" Killian stopped and looked in the sink. "Do you
care to share with me why the word death was written in soap in the basin of
the ladies room?"

"I don't know," I
replied.  "I was just washing up, the soap dispenser started going crazy,
and suddenly I look down and I'm getting death threats.  At brunch.  What kind
of lousy Sunday morning is this?"

"I am sure it is not
personal."

"Just an hour ago, I was
perfectly happy consuming a mountain of pancakes.  And now some ghost decides
to leave me creepy messages?!?"

"At least he did not spell it
in syrup on your plate."

"Listen, Mom isn't sensing
ghosts.  I'm not sensing portals.  But, there is something happening because
last I checked, SoftSoap's new marketing scheme didn't involve hidden warnings
after you pee."

"Did you examine the men's
room?"

"No, I didn't go wandering
inside the men's room.  That seems like more of a task for a man-folk."

"Very well, I shall go and
see," Killian said, pulling down the bottom of his shirt and fixing his
cuffs.  He waved at the exit.  "After you."

"You're not scared of ghosts
now, are you?" I asked as I pushed him in front of me, maybe hiding just a
little behind him and hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Perhaps you would like to join
me since you seem to be so 'over' your fear," he suggested, totally
calling me out. 

"No."

He spun around and booped me on the
nose.  "I will examine the men's room and ensure the ghost... the coast...
is clear."

"Cute."

"A slip of the tongue."

"I'm sure."

"I will ensure the room is
empty before you enter."

He pushed on the door and went
inside.  After a few minutes, I considered just making a run for the car and
letting him handle whatever was lurking by himself, but then he peeked his head
around the corner.  "It is safe, Maggie."

I walked in.  It was a lot like the
girl’s room, except it smelled like boys.

"Now, before someone enters
and interrupts us, show me exactly what you did."

I gave him a look.  "This is
stupid.  Next you'll be making me look into the mirror and say 'Bloody Mary'
three times."

"What is 'Bloody Mary?'"

"It ain't just a morning
cocktail, I'll tell you that much."  I looked into the sink. "And if
it is Bloody Mary, I swear to God I'll get my mom to lock her up in a purse
compact faster than you can say Cover Girl."

I turned on the water.  "Okay,
so this is what happened.  I tried to get the soap out and it wouldn't come
out.  This soap is coming out just fine, so imagine it didn't, then..."

There was a hissing sound behind
us.

We both turned.

The entry door to the bathroom had
not opened.  Killian had checked all the toilets.  We had been completely alone
in that room, and yet somehow, there was a fucking vampire coming out of the
stalls towards us.

"Bless us, oh Lord and these
thy soap!" I shouted at the bubbles in my hand before flinging them at the
vampire.

So, yeah, it wasn't as good as holy
water, but I just needed a little zap, just long enough to be able to dig
through my purse.

"Killian!  If you had let me
keep those throwing stars, we wouldn't be in this situation!"

The vampire was howling and trying
to rub the holy bubbles out of his eyes.  Killian grabbed my purse out of my
hands as the zipper slipped around in my fingers.

"What do you require?" he
asked as his helping completely got in my way.

"Oh, fuck this."  I reached
between my legs and pulled out the stake I had strapped to my thigh.  I winged
it at the vampire and caught him dead to rights.

Killian stood there with my purse.

"Thanks for holding my
bag," I said, taking it from him.

"I thought I knew everything
you were packing today."

"A woman is a mystery, an
enigma wrapped in a paradox.  Don't ever think you've got us figured out."

I was playing it all cool, but as
Killian walked over to inspect the dead dude, my hand touched my unguarded
neck.  The skin there still bore the marks from a time when I was younger and
stupider.  It only takes one.  And here fashion almost got me killed.  I pulled
out my neck guard and slapped that puppy around my throat faster than you can
say "Jack the Ripper."

Killian was sifting through the
guy's pockets.  Sometimes they carry around ID.  I can't tell you how many
times vampires head out on a Friday night to neck with some co-ed at a bar and
get foiled by some bouncer because they look eighteen.

Killian confirmed there was nothing
in the guy's pants.  "He is not dressed in clothing I would expect to see
on passengers of this boat."

"Maybe he was one of the
lounge acts?" I offered.

Killian was right, though.  The
vampire was awfully dapper for a Sunday morning, even if it involved mimosas. 
He had on a three-piece swallow-tailed morning coat, something you'd see
straight off of a period piece on the BBC.  Or someone from The Other Side who
hadn't remembered a change of clothes, indicating we had ourselves what is
called an illegal jumper.  Which meant he was my problem.

We both stood there, staring.

"We can't leave him here,
huh?" I sighed.

Killian shook his head.

"How on earth are we going to
get this sucker out without anyone seeing us?"

Killian shook his head again.

"And how did he get in here in
the first place?" I asked.

"That answer can wait until
later.  Right now, we need to remove him before any humans discover that there
are monsters among them."

I looked at the vampire, "Ever
seen
Weekend at Bernie's
?"

Killian looked at me blankly.

"That was some great 1980's
filmmaking.  Come on.  Hoist this guy's arms over your head.  I'm tying his
shoelaces to your feet."

Killian looked down, "He does
not appear to have shoelaces."

Details.  Details.

"Perhaps you could tear your
skirt and tie his legs to us that way," Killian said, staring at my mini.

"Or you could give me your
socks," I replied.

"I believe in all of the 1980's
movies I have seen, the heroine would have listened to her male companion and
sacrificed her clothing."

"Shut up, elf."

Killian went into the stall.

"What are you doing?" I
called.

"Just as you requested!"

He came out and handed me a wad of
material.

I hadn't been thinking.

Despite his decision to go costumed
as a human today, elves wear tights. 

He handed me his man-hose and stood
there shifting himself and looking a little uncomfortable.

"Free as a bird?" I asked
as I tied one leg to him and one leg to our dead dude.

"Like a young elf on his first
midsummer eve."

"I don't even know what that
means."

"Oh, someday you shall,"
he replied.

"Not if I can help it."

I finished tying the dead guy to
me.  "Okay, so if anyone asks, he drank too many bloody marys—"

"He drank the ghost in the
mirror...?"

"No, the beverage."

"They named a drink after a
ghost...?"

"No.  Stop it. Just... he
drank too much and we're taking him home so he can sleep it off."

"How do you explain the gaping
hole in his chest?"

I looked at the spot where my stake
had been.  "Well, that's unfortunate."  I grabbed some paper towels
and draped them over his front. "He barfed up his shrimp cocktail.  As
long as you act normal, Killian, no one will say anything."

I could see Killian was not
completely on-board with my brilliant plan.

"Could you not blink him into The
Other Side?" Killian asked.

"Tempting, but whatever is
through the boundary here is where he calls home, and I'd rather not show up in
his living room.  Plus, I'm thinking that there might be a nice little reward
for us if we bring him back."

Killian nodded, slowly warming to
the idea.  "I like big rewards."

"AND, I'm thinking we might
need to have to make a trip to say hello to Lacy..."

"I like Lacy."

"I thought you might." I
swung the dead vampire's arms over Killian and my shoulders, "Come on,
partner.  We have some bounty money to collect."

"Lead on."