Lost Dreams (8 page)

Avery. I tried to concentrate on her. I looked at her photos one last time before I closed my eyes. Her smile was beautiful, she looked truly happy and excited. The photo brought back memories of our wedding day, which led to thoughts of our honeymoon. She'd been incredibly sexy and hot, in ways I'd never seen before. Of course, we had been intimate before the wedding, but our honeymoon was freaking amazing.

Her skin was soft and warm against mine. I couldn’t figure out why, but I'd been fucking nervous that night. I wanted it to be special for her, she deserved it. When I started pressing feather-light kisses against the delicate skin of her neck, her body had tensed, but only because she was ticklish. Once my lips met hers, there was nothing holding us back. Our kisses were deep, passionate and amazing.

Thinking about it was giving me goose bumps. When we made love, our bodies were connected so tightly that we became one. The connection felt so strong and powerful.

Our legs were entwined and I loved the feel of her skin against mine. She ran her toes up and down my leg. It was a simple gesture but it felt incredible. I was hovering over her, enjoying the sight of her naked curves underneath me. I had spent so many days envying her when we were deployed, she was so good at hiding behind her façade of cool independence. We never demonstrated our love very much in front of others. When I looked at her that night, she was everything I had ever wanted. I had vowed to be with her until death do us part and I wished I would never have to be away from her again.

The feeling of her breasts against my chest and her fingers digging into my back sent me directly to heaven. Our movements were beautifully synchronized and each and every thrust heightened my love for her. We spent the night worshiping one another and enjoying our precious time together.

I knew I would never forget that perfect night. It was my happy place, somewhere to go to escape the realities I was dealing with.

~~~*~~~

A
fter hours of sleep, I was woken up by the noises around me. All the boys were awake and wrestling like little kids. Remy was fighting with William but I knew they weren't serious, while Patrick was telling them to shut up. He was on the phone. Wait. What? On the phone? Was I going to get to talk to Ave?

I got up quickly and went over to Patrick. ''Are you talking to Megan?'' I mouthed silently.

He interrupted his conversation briefly. ''Yeah, you're next.''

''YES!'' I yelled. I was the happiest man alive. Her voice, her laugh, I was going to hear them both. There was nothing better that I could ask for. After last night and all the memories rolling around in my head, this was going to be good.

I went back to the bunk and pulled on a shirt. I wanted that phone now. What I hated about this deployment was that they were keeping internet and phone available for mission purposes only. We had major security problems and it was decided not to risk the missions by using the internet and phone for personal reasons.

I waited and waited for the phone, tapping my fingers against the wall. I was running out of patience when Patrick finally hung up. He handed me the phone and told me we now had permission to access both phone and internet. It was the best freaking day of this deployment. Finally, I was going to be able to contact my wife more regularly.

I dialed our home phone number and waited impatiently while it rang. My heart was beating fast and I couldn’t control the smile on my face.

When she answered, I couldn’t control myself. ''Baby!'' I yelled with enthusiasm. ''Avery! My shining star!''

She was laughing and it felt so good to hear that sound. ''How are you doing, husband?'' she asked through her laughter.

''I’m better now. I'll be able to call and email you now. The order's been lifted.''

''Finally! That’s wonderful news!'' She took a deep breath and I could tell that the stress and anxiety of not being able to talk to me was lifting. ''How is everything over there? What are you guys up too?''

I hated that she asked the question, because even though she used to be part of this, I wasn't able to tell her. ''I can't talk about it, baby. You know the rules.''

''Right. I know.''

''I miss you, Avery. Are you still hanging out with Megan?''

''Yeah, we're always together. It seems like we do everything together." She giggled. "Shopping, buying groceries, taking walks. We get along great.''

'That's wonderful. I’m so happy that you found a friend. I always thought Megan was a nice woman.''

''She's done miracles with me, Carter, you wouldn’t believe it.  Megan is like my savior around here. She's helping me so much with my nightmares about the bombing. I love her.''

''Are you saying you love her more than me?'' I teased.

''I will never love anyone more than I love you, Carter Lewis. I miss you like crazy. I miss you walking around the house in nothing but your underwear. I miss your scent on our bed sheets. I miss every single thing when you're not with me.''

Her voice was breaking and I was worried that she was about to cry. ''Ave, don't cry. I meant it to be a joke. I'm happy for you and I miss everything about you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.''

''Soon baby, soon.''

We talked for another thirty minutes. My brain memorized every single word which left her lips. When we hung up, I went back to my bunk and replayed everything she'd said to me. Life was beautiful, she was beautiful.

I couldn't resist it, I had to email her now even though we'd just talked on the phone. I felt so much better now I'd be able to talk to her more easily.

To: Avery Lewis

From: Carter Lewis

Date: 08/30/2007

Subject: Hey wife!

I just wanted to say hi again. You can email me as much as you want. I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. It's not always easy but I'll love reading your emails and you know I'll always be thinking about you.

I love you, shining star,

Carter xxx

I left the computer with a big smile plastered on my face, knowing this deployment had just gotten much easier to cope with. Still, I wished I could go back home sooner and surprise her.

I missed my beautiful wife.

T
o: Jeremy Taylor

From: Avery Lewis

Date: 19/09/2007

Subject: Hey soldier!

Remy,

I was so happy to get your call yesterday. I miss our daily talks and your good spirit. You sounded great and I’m glad to hear you're still loving the Special Forces.

I'm supposed to spend the day with Megan, Juliet and Megan's mother. She is in town for a couple of days. I haven't met her yet, but from what Megan said she seems like a nice and caring mother. Which brings me to your parents, have you talked to them recently? They’re great, I miss them.

I haven’t talked to my parents a lot lately. Not since they didn’t show up at our wedding. Mom left me another message the other day, saying she had a migraine on the day we got married and couldn't come. I’m their only child! They couldn't even be bothered with coming to my wedding! I’m still angry and I'm not ready to talk to them about it. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to them at all.

Enough with the negatives.

I found the gift I’m going to give Carter for Christmas. It's a gold bracelet, I saw it at the mall in Fayetteville. It's a simple Figaro chain but for some reason, I could totally see it on his wrist. I hope he will like it.

I know, I know - don't hate me, I know we're only in September. I'm simply too excited about Christmas because it means you guys are BACK!

Email me back, soldier.

Ave xxx

P.S. What do you want for Christmas? I need your list.

She cracked me up with her Christmas list. I was in the middle of a war zone in Iraq and she was asking me to think about what I wanted for Christmas. My only wish was to be home with Avery and Carter and maybe some of the guys, and have a nice traditional dinner. The perfect juicy turkey with mashed potatoes, gravy and pies. I was never a material guy who needed the newest gadgets. The simpler the better, was my motto. I could use some new clothes but there was no way I was going to ask her to shop for me. I would deal with it when I got back home.

I wanted to get Avery something. I would have to think about it. She'd changed since the last time I saw her, she was no longer the Army girl. She'd transformed into a beautiful young woman and the photos showed a new side to her. It was refreshing to see her smiling.

I hit reply.

To: Avery Lewis

From: Jeremy Taylor

Date: 19/09/2007

Subject: RE: Hey soldier!

Hey Ave,

Thanks for the email. It's always good to hear from you.

It's not going to be a long email because I have to leave in few minutes.

Regarding Christmas, don’t worry about me. I don’t need anything. I just want to have a good time with you and Carter. The only wish I could make is for a good Christmas dinner. Carter talked about it a few days ago and I think he would like that.

I think he will love the bracelet. It's a good idea and I’m sure he will keep it with him all the time.

How's Juliet doing? I heard she was sick a little while ago. Is she okay now? She is such a cute little girl, always smiling. I can't imagine her being sick.

How are you doing Avery? Are you okay? Are the nightmares a thing of the past? You can talk to me about it, I was there you know. We never really forget but we have to learn to live with it. I can tell you that I'm okay. I've been good for a couple of weeks now. Every night, I try to focus on what went well during my day or what I want for the future. I’m not sure why, but it works and the nightmares are gone. You should try.

I have to get going now. I have to keep in shape and train a bit before we get back to work.

Take care Ave and write back.

Remy xx

I pressed send and went directly to the bench press. I had to burn off some of my energy and training was something that I needed on a daily basis. It was one of my things.

I trained until every muscle was screaming at me to stop. The pain felt great and my body hummed with health. This is what had me coming back to do the same thing every day. My body was covered in sweat; a cold shower was going to be necessary.

''Remy!'' Carter called after me. ''Avery emailed me.''

''Yeah, me too.''

''She seems to be going great! There’s something different about her. Good different.''

''It's true. I was thinking exactly the same thing. She probably tells you more about her life than she does me, but she seems to be happy again.''

Carter was getting emotional. ''I can't wait to be with her again.'' He pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger, trying to keep control. ''That day is coming, right?''

''It is man! We're already in September, soon it'll be October.'' I gave him a man hug. ''We'll get there soon.''

''Thank you brother.''

This deployment was really hard on him. He was able to do his job, but he was always thinking about her and I thought it was probably normal. Avery meant the world to Carter, she was what he'd never had, a family. He had put all of his dreams into his relationship with her. He wanted kids and to be there for them. Playing soccer or baseball or even playing with dolls if he had to. He was entering another phase of his life. He wanted much more than just the army. He had an important role in the Special Forces and he was aware of it, but he was looking forward to building his family with the love of his life, Avery.

It felt bittersweet to me. I wanted that too, but I knew it wasn't possible. I had lost her. I'd lost the girl I loved. I tried moving on but I just couldn’t seem to do it. I wasn't able to say goodbye. No matter how stupid and wrong it made me feel, I still had hope that one day she was going come back to me.

Our story wasn’t over - she just didn’t know it yet.

S
aying goodbye to Megan's mother wasn't an easy thing. She'd stayed with Megan and Juliet for almost a month and they'd had a good time. I sometimes tried to leave them alone so they could enjoy their time as a family, but Megan's mom, Josie, always found a way to include me in their plans. We got along great and I was definitely going to miss her.

I had just dropped Megan off at her house. It was very early in the morning, the sun was barely up. My body was tired so I decided to make it a lazy day and jumped back into bed. The house was cleaned and all my chores were done, so I figured I deserved it.

I didn’t even take the time to undress, heading back to bed still wearing my skirt and shirt.

I closed my eyes and immediately felt myself drifting away. My thoughts were centered on Carter. His smile and eyes were my guarantee against bad dreams. He was keeping them away.

~~~*~~~

I
n my dream, I was back in my combat uniform, deployed in what looked like Afghanistan. I hadn’t been there since 2003. The memories were so clear and real in my head. Carter and Remy were not even thinking about Special Forces at that time. We were just enjoying our life as soldiers and were always ready for additional training, even though the extra training usually kicked my ass big time. I didn’t want to be treated differently because I was a woman, but I knew that at some point, they wouldn’t allow me to go any further in my career.

The looks Carter would give me every time our eyes met, and his touches every time we crossed paths set me on fire. We were getting more serious in our relationship and the sexual tension between us was getting harder to control. We weren't allowed to have sex while deployed. I knew some personnel were disregarding the rules but I was very serious when it came to regulations, and I didn’t want to defy this one. I was tempted constantly because Carter did everything he could think of, to test me. He would write erotic letters, or whisper the hottest suggestions I had ever heard in my ear. Falling in love with him was the easiest thing I'd ever done. My life made sense when we were together, he completed me.