Lost Dreams (3 page)

I sat in the plane next to Remy. We had left a little over two hours ago and I could still feel her sadness, as if it was attached to my heart. Remy was also feeling blue, as he considered Avery to be like a sister. I hated that I was the reason behind her sadness. I held back the tears as long as I could, but mid-way to our destination, it overwhelmed me and I gave up.

"Fuck.... Fuck... I hate this!" I yelled. I regretted leaving her. I should have requested a release at the same time as she did. This was a fucking nightmare. "I should be home with her, Remy. We could be starting a family like we want. I shouldn’t have come... I shouldn’t have." Each word, every memory of our conversations about the future hurt, kicking me in the chest because I wanted them now. Every minute away from her was a waste of our time.

"Cart, man, relax." Remy squeezed my shoulder with a strong hand. "This, the Army, is our life, you can't go back now. We'll do this and go back home like we always do. A couple of months won't change anything in the end. She loves you like crazy and you love her even more." He paused. "Look, we can do this. It’s hard now because you just left her. Even I'm sad. I'll miss her too but it's what we do, man, we are Special Forces. We leave and we come back stronger. We fight for what's right. We have a job to get done now. Focus on that."

"Being away from her is different this time. It's not that I don't like it, I hate it. It shouldn’t be like this. We had the best times of our lives these past few days. She was glowing, she was smiling like she used to, before the bombing. I felt like she was finally back with me, with us."

"I saw it too. She was different, happy." He smiled. "It's all you, Carter. You were able to make her the happiest bride, even though she knew you were leaving. Use that to motivate yourself. We'll be back before we know it."

"Thanks, bro." I dried my tears on the sleeve of my shirt. I was still angry at myself but he was right. She was happy again. I had to focus on that and come back home as soon as possible. She was my life now. Everything I am or own, is hers.

''I want you to tell me how you feel while you are away. Write me or call me as much as you can.'' I grabbed my backpack and opened the front pocket to find my pen and paper.

Avery,

I haven't arrived at our destination yet, and I’m already writing because I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I can't stop seeing your smile and beauty in my mind.

Thank you for the pictures, I'll keep the one of you in your wedding dress with me all the time. Except when I'm in the shower, of course.

I’ve been wanting to tell you how amazing and beautiful you are. Your smiles are back, the ones that made me fall in love with you years ago. The smiles that reach your eyes and the smiles when you bite your lower lip. I loved the way you blushed when you walked down the aisle. You took my heart at that moment and stole it. You are the one who owns it, take care of it. My heart is nothing without you.

I will be back to you soon and we'll start our family. We could even buy a dog or a cat and move to a different city. Somewhere by the beach or in the country. Anything baby, just say it and you'll have it.

I love you my shining star, more than you'll ever know.

Carter

Kisses and hugs

I placed the letter in an envelope and addressed it. I wanted her to receive it soon, as I knew the waiting would be hard for Avery. I was planning to write to her every day if time permits.

Remy had fallen asleep and I wondered how life was for him. He was single, I'd never seen him serious about a girl before. He flirted here and there, but he never talked about any girl in particular, or suggested he hoped to meet 'the one'. Never. As far as I knew, he didn't plan to stay in the Army forever and I always assumed he would eventually try to settle down with someone. I feared the loneliness he must sometimes feel. It was probably hard for him to see Avery and me so happy together. I wanted him to be happy too. He deserved to be.

I couldn’t force him into anything, but maybe I could talk to him about dating.

~~~*~~~

W
e finally made it to the camp. It looked the same as the last one. I had to try and stop imagining Avery everywhere. I was ridiculously obsessed with my wife. She was safe at home and this was the right thing for her, for both of us. While we were getting installed, the guys were talking about our wedding and were really cool about it. Most of them were married and already fathers. Some of them even asked me to show them my ring. That was just weird, wasn't it something girls do? The ring was simple, white gold with two small diamonds. We chose it together, the diamonds representing us. Avery's ring was as simple as mine, she'd never been the type of girl who wanted huge diamonds. I was ready to buy her the biggest diamond I could afford but she'd refused and went for something small and modest. It represented her after all.

As soon as we got on camp, we started doing some work in settling in and we discovered issues. And to make everything worse, the internet was not working properly. We had security issues and couldn't use it for personal requirements. That meant no emailing and Avery was probably going to lose it in Fort Bragg. I had to make sure my letter got to her as soon as possible. I could try to call her, I would love to hear her voice. In the Special Forces, it only happened rarely that we had to deal with communication problems, since it was one of our most important tools.

As soon as I located my bunk, I placed my backpack next to it and put the envelope containing the pictures under the thin blanket. I retrieved Avery's picture from my front pocket and looked at her for a few seconds. Her pale blond hair was piled on top of her head, in elaborate curls. She was gorgeous. Her gown was showing just enough skin, and kissed all of her curves. I was a proud man, and knew I was lucky that she picked me.

Today was my first day away but on the bright side, I was one day closer to seeing her again.

That was my main focus.

I
no longer had the strength to live my life normally. It had been three days and I was a lost soul. My phone's battery was charged, my internet was working and all of our lines of communication were available, yet I had nothing, heard no news from him.

I missed him like never before. The only thing I was good at, was moping around or crying to our favourite songs. He wasn't dead, I was going to see him again so why was I reacting so badly? I thought my behavior was immature and totally against every promise I had made Carter before he left. I just wanted to hear or read something from him because it was killing me.

I stayed in bed and listened to music while I tried to motivate myself into doing something with my life. There were other women around here that I could talk to. We were all going through the same thing. I might feel alone but I wasn't. They were nice, too and I had made friends with a few of them. Why shouldn’t I try to hang out with them and enjoy life even if my husband was away temporarily?

By the time the clock hit three in the afternoon, I decided to shower for the first time in two days and go out for a walk. I could do that and I had no doubt it would make me feel better. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sunlight.

My eyes were red and swollen and my entire face had transformed into a sleep-deprived mess. The last time I’d looked this bad was after my four weeks hospital stay.

I wasn't a makeup type of girl, but I had bought all the products for my wedding. I decided to use them again to make me look human. It was a necessity, I could be mistaken for a zombie in my current state.

The sun burned my skin. The sky was a perfect blue with only a couple of little clouds here and there. North Carolina in the summer was way too hot. I was wearing a green tank top with cut-off denim shorts and it still felt like too many clothes. I didn't expect to meet anyone outside in such unbearable heat but I did. Megan, my neighbour from two doors down, was taking a walk with her daughter. Her daughter's birthday was approaching soon, if I remembered correctly, she'd been born at the end of August.

Megan and her little princess had the same green eyes and dark blond hair. There was no way she could deny the little girl was her daughter.

She waved at me with an incredible smile, one that was honest and real. “I knocked on your door twice yesterday and once this morning," she said.

"I bet Carter asked you to keep an eye on me."

"He did, but I would have come to your rescue anyway." She stepped closer with her stroller. "I know how hard it is and you need the support." She placed her hand on my forearm and I knew that she was trying to connect with me. "I was never in the Army like you, Avery. My role here is wife, housewife and mother and I think I do well. We all have our demons, our pain or our strengths, so why don’t we try to help each other instead of drowning ourselves in sad music and eating too many cupcakes?”

I realized that she really had come to check on me yesterday and this morning. Maybe her thing was cupcakes. I offered her an embarrassed smile.

"Yeah, it’s been hard. We should definitely hang out."

"Let's start now." She placed her arms around my shoulders and hugged me. She wasn’t Carter but it felt good to hug someone. "Come on, we were going to the park."

"Sure, I hope there's a tree to sit under, the sun is killing me."

''Well, this is North Carolina, it’s normal around here."

"That’s why I miss Portland so much." I did miss my hometown a lot. I wasn’t sure I would ever get used to this oppressive heat. There was a huge difference between the west and the east coast. I missed the mountains and the beautiful landscape of Washington.

"Are you going back to Washington when Carter returns?" Her question took me by surprise.

"We mentioned buying a house, but we never talked about where. I really don't know what we’re going to do about it. Maybe I should ask him. We agreed to write letters as much as we can."

"Letters are fun, we do that too. Sometimes Patrick is able to call me but it's rare and they have access to video calling from time to time."

"I can't wait to hear from Carter. The more I wait the more it’s killing me."

"Waiting for the first letter or call is the longest, most painful wait in the world. I haven’t received a call from Patrick yet, but it's okay. They'll contact us as soon as they can, believe me."

"Oh! I believe you.... they’re away for six months. Time will go by fast, right?"

"It always does and it's a good thing. Think positive, find yourself new hobbies. You have to, or you'll end up buried in your music and you're going to cry yourself a river."

"I know, I know." I laughed. "I'll work on it." I knew I had to. I could start by trying to stay in shape, as a soldier, my body was cut and lean and I wished to stay like that. Maybe I could buy myself the camera I'd always wanted and take a photography class. Why not? I had to keep myself busy and it could even transform into a job in the future. I had to work on my future, set myself goals and achieve them.

"Work on it but most importantly, make it work."

"Such a motivator."

"Yeah, I read it lot, it's my thing, and it keeps me sane."

"Maybe you should lend me some of your books," I suggested.

"Sure, what sort of things are you interested in?“ she asked curiously.

It took me a few seconds to respond. I didn't know if I had an interest or not. I liked photography but I had never really done anything about it. "My interest, what I’ve been doing all my life, it's the Army, being a soldier. It's all I know."

We walked maybe twenty feet before she added anything.

"How old were you when you enlisted?"

"I was fresh out of high school. I was never into partying or the other things people my age were doing. I did get a college degree though. My parents were both in the Army. It's how I was raised."

"Are you some kind of G.I. Jane?" she joked.

"I guess you could say that." We both laughed. "What about you? What's your story?"

"Well, I’ve done a lot of things. After high school, I went to college but I couldn’t find my way so I became a hairdresser for a couple of years. After that I worked in a car dealership where I met Patrick for the first time. I saw him a few months later when he stopped by to get a new car. I’ve been staying here for the past three, going on to four years."

''It's funny that I've known you for a couple of months already, but I've learned more about you in the past five minutes than I did in  months.''

"It's true and I’m glad we're talking today."

"Me too." We grinned and kept walking. Apart from Carter and Remy, I didn’t have any other good friends. I got along with the other soldiers we were teamed up with, but I kept to myself.

"Do you have any plans for tonight?" She took me by surprise. No, I didn’t have plans but I knew that she was asking the question on purpose. I hesitated because I wasn’t used to hanging out, having dinners. This was a new thing for me and it made me nervous.

I wanted to be home in case Carter tried to contact me, but on the other hand, I knew he would try my cell phone first. I tried to relax, even though I had all these concerns going around in my head.

"I'm... no... I... I don’t have any plans," I stuttered.

"If you want to have dinner with us, you're welcome." She waited for my answer but when she realized that it wasn’t coming immediately, she added "I made a rice casserole with shrimp and chicken. It's a bit spicy."

I could almost smell it. It sounded very tasty. Without thinking more profoundly, I said yes and it made me even more nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t scared, I was nervous and a tiny part of me was excited. The possibility of having a girlfriend was new and not something that I'd had in many years. I had been with mostly men these past ten years.

We made it to the park and met with some other women. Megan was obviously friends with all of them. Megan undid the straps on the stroller and settled Juliet on her feet. She was small and geez, she could run fast. Juliet climbed on the slide and joined a little boy who appeared to be her friend.