Long Time Coming (15 page)

Johnson came into the kitchen and pulled Deidre into his arms. He kissed her and then said, "I want to talk to you about something later tonight."

"Okay," Deidre said, then watched as Johnson left the kitchen walking as if he were floating. Deidre turned back to the sink to finish the dishes. As she worked, she told herself that she knew what Johnson wanted to talk about tonight, but before she would agree to adopt Kenisha's children, Deidre was going to tell Johnson about her secret. The guilt was eating her alive, and she didn't want to continue living a lie. She only hoped that God would give Johnson the ability to forgive her for what she had done to him.

W
ringing his hands, Johnson wore out the rug in his bedroom as he walked back and forth working on his spiel. He had made such a big deal about adopting a newborn that he was worried that Deidre might also have her mind set to wait for a newborn. And if that were the case, she might not want them to be parents to Kenisha's wonderful children. Deidre had also worried that adopting an older child might bring problems that she couldn't handle while he was deployed. But Johnson was willing to give up his military career if he could have these children in his life forever.

Deidre walked into the bedroom smiling, but her smile disappeared as she looked at her husband."You look serious. What's up?"

"Sit down," he told her as he moved out of the way so she could sit on the lounge chair in their bedroom. When she was seated, Johnson turned to her and said."I know we talked about adopting a newborn, and I also know that you had expressed reservations about adopting an older kid. But I've made a decision that should ease your worries about that."

"I'm listening."

Rubbing his hands together, Johnson plowed right into it."Well, as you know, I will have twenty years of service in as of next year, and that makes me eligible for retirement. So," he nodded as if convincing himself, "that's what I plan to do."

Deidre's mouth fell open as she stared at her husband. When she finally found her voice again, she said, "You love being in the military, Johnson."

"I love you and the possibility of having children more. I think we should adopt Kenisha's children. What do you say, Deidre? I'm willing to retire so that I can help you with them. So can we do it?"

Standing up, she turned to Johnson with tears in her eyes."I can't let you do this."

He grabbed Deidre's hands, brought them to his mouth, and kissed them."I want to do this—for us."

"Oh, Johnson, what have I done to you?" She snatched her hands away from him as she backed up. Fear was etched across her face.

"What's wrong, Deidre? I thought this was what you wanted."

Shaking her head, Deidre sat down on their bed and turned away from her husband.

"Why won't you look at me, Deidre? What's wrong?"

"I don't know how to tell you this."

"Just tell me what's on your mind. It can't be as bad as you're making it out to be."

"It is, Johnson. I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"You haven't done anything, babe. Why are you acting like this? I thought you wanted to adopt. Please be okay with this, Deidre. We could be such good parents to Kenisha's children. I know we talked about a newborn, but I'd like to have these children instead."

"Johnson Morris, you are the most unselfish person I know. You have given up so many of your dreams to be with me, I won't let you give up another."

"I haven't given up anything, Deidre. You are my dream. We've made a good life together, and it will only get better with those kids in our lives. What do you say, babe?"

"I'm not letting you quit the military."

"But you were worried about us getting a juvenile delinquent if we adopted an older child. Remember, you told me you didn't want to be left here while I was deployed. It's understandable; some children have attacked their foster parents or adoptive parents."

She put a finger to Johnson's lips."Kenisha's children aren't like that." She closed her eyes, trying to block out the pain of her deception."I haven't been honest with you, Johnson. And I can't agree to adopt the kids with you until I tell you everything."

"What's wrong?"

She took a deep breath and then let the words flow from her mouth."I can't have kids, Johnson."

"I know that, Deidre. That's why we're considering adoption."

"Yes, but I've known I couldn't have children for quite a while." She choked on her words as she said, "I put you through seven years of torture, and I knew."

Holding on to his confusion, Johnson asked, "How long have you known?"

"Since I was a teenager. My mom had some tests run on me when I started having a lot of pain and some other symptoms that we didn't understand. The doctor told us that I have polycystic ovary syndrome."

"What's that?"

She got up from the bed, went into the bathroom to get some tissues, and then wiped her face and blew her nose."It's a condition that makes it very hard for a woman to conceive. Some women have had children despite this illness, but I just don't appear to be one of them."

Something was wrong with his ears. He couldn't have just heard what he thought he'd heard. There had to be a mistake. So he turned to Deidre for clarification."Are you telling me that you knew this before we got married?"

Nodding, she lowered her head.

Johnson came off the bed as if being too close to it would defile him."Do you know how many times I talked to your mother about the children we would have when we first got married? I bet the two of you had a good laugh over that."

"No, Johnson, my mother begged me to tell you the truth. I wouldn't listen to her, but that hasn't stopped her from praying for us every single day."

"That's honorable of you to be willing to take the blame. But where was your honor when you were lying to me for all these years?"

"It wasn't like that, Johnson. I honestly believed that I would be able to have children, so I thought my diagnosis was a nonissue."

"Except you didn't trust me enough to tell me about this nonissue." Johnson threw up his hands."I've got to get out of here," he said as he flung the bedroom door open and stormed down the stairs.

"Johnson, wait, don't leave. We need to talk about this," Deidre yelled as Johnson descended the stairs.

He grabbed his keys off the entryway table and opened the front door. He then turned back to his wife and said, "You should have talked to me years ago. You chose not to. Well, guess what, Deidre. Now I don't want to talk." With that he walked out of the house and slammed the door.

Johnson got into his truck, gunned the engine, and sped off. Since the day he had met Deidre, his life had been connected to her. All he had ever wanted was to please her. He'd even been willing to give up his military career. But their life had been built on a lie, and Johnson didn't know if he could handle that.

He drove around aimlessly for a while, then turned his car toward Fairborn, Ohio, in the direction of Wright-Patterson Air Force Base as he headed to Marissa's house. Deidre wouldn't appreciate that he'd gone to see Marissa, but Johnson didn't care at this moment. Marissa had always been a good friend, and she always told him the truth. And that's what he needed right now, to be in the presence of someone he could trust.

Marissa lived in a small, one-story brick house just five minutes from the base. Johnson knocked on her door, hoping that she hadn't already gone to bed or that her boyfriend wouldn't throw him out if he was there. When Marissa opened the front door, the first thing Johnson noticed was how big and uncomfortable she looked with her stomach protruding from her slim body like a missile.

"Hey, were you asleep?"

Marissa tried to wrap her robe around her belly, but it wasn't working."I was watching
CSI.
Come on in. Let me go put on some clothes."

Johnson sat down in the living room and waited for Marissa to return.

When she walked back into the living room, she had on a pair of maternity jeans and a pink- and blue-striped maternity shirt that said "Baby on Board," and had an arrow that pointed downward. Johnson had thought he would one day watch Deidre walk around in funny-looking clothes like that, but she had dashed all his dreams with her revelation tonight. And in truth, he was beginning to think that the woman he loved and trusted was some kind of monster.

"So what's up?"

Johnson leaned his head against the back of the couch."I just needed to get my head on straight."

Concern etched on her face, Marissa sat down next to Johnson."What's going on? What happened?"

He put his hand over his forehead as if feeling for a fever. But the sad irony was that Johnson would have gladly weathered a fever rather than this aching feeling that was in his heart. He sat up, then hesitated for a moment as he tried to get his head around this nightmare that had become his life."Do you remember me telling you that Deidre and I were desperately trying to have children, but so far nothing had happened?"

"Yeah. I also remember how you told me that it wasn't fair that unmarried women could just pop kids out like it was nothing but couldn't figure out how to take care of the kids once the delivery was done."

"I apologized for that comment," Johnson reminded her.

Nodding, Marissa said, "And I accepted your apology, so I shouldn't have even brought it up. My bad. Go on with what you were saying?"

"Deidre can't have children," Johnson blurted out.

"I thought you had already figured that she probably couldn't have children. Why is it an issue now?"

"I thought Deidre might have been the problem, but she confirmed it tonight."

"And . . . What's the problem? For better or worse—do you remember those vows?"

"I remember my vows," Johnson said irritably."But Deidre knew she couldn't have children before we got married, and she never said a word."

"Ouch," was all Marissa could say.

"Ouch is right. I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this."

Marissa put her hand on Johnson's shoulder to comfort him."I know this is hard, Johnson, but you need to find a way to get past it if you want your marriage to work."

"I don't know if I can make it work after this," Johnson confessed.

"Oh, come on, Johnson, you didn't marry Deidre because she would be able to have a hundred kids. Because if that were the case, you would have left already. The two of you have been married for seven years with no children, so there had to be another reason for marrying her."

"I loved her."

"And do you still love her?"

He closed his eyes, trying to get a hold on his emotions."I'm not sure how I feel right now."

"Well, then, you better figure it out real quick, buddy. Deidre is a wonderful woman, and I know that she loves you to pieces. You don't want to end up alone, not if you possibly can work this out."

This was why he had come to Marissa. She wasn't a miseryloves-company type of person. She'd made her share of mistakes, but she had never blamed anyone else for them. She was a good friend, and he trusted her advice."Could you trust someone who had lied to you for seven years?"

Marissa took a moment to answer, but when she did, she spoke the truth."It would be hard. I don't know, Johnson. Maybe you need to listen to Deidre's side of this before you make any snap judgments."

"What if I don't like her side of things?"

"This one is too heavy for me. It sounds like you and Deidre might need a marriage counselor." She stood up."And since I've never been married, I don't think I can help you with this one."

He stood up with her."I didn't want to talk to you because of your marriage expertise. I've known you a long time, Marissa, and you've never sugar-coated things. You tell people what they need to hear, and that's that. So I just needed you to help me figure this out."

"I'm sorry, Johnson, I wish I could help you out with this."She walked to the door and opened it."But if you really want my recommendation, then I'd say go home and talk this over with Deidre."

Shaking his head, Johnson admitted, "I don't know if I can do that." He walked out of Marissa's house and got back in his truck. He was more confused than ever now. Yes, Marissa was right, Johnson did love his wife. But could he trust her? Could he get past this deception she had visited on him for seven years? He didn't know, and until he could figure it out, he wasn't sure that he could go home. He pulled his car onto the road and drove until he found a hotel he could check into for the night.