Little Light of Mine (Club Decadence) (4 page)

“Not again, Luis.  Please.”

“You either do as I say or suffer the consequences
,
mi put
a
, your choice.”

Bobby laughed from the front. “Y
ou should be good at following orders, baby.  Just pretend we are your masters now.”

They dropped her off in front of the house a few minutes later.  She could hear Eduardo whining about not getting his taste as she walked away.  She went to her car and got the extra supplies out of her trunk where they had been stored all along.  She had to make it look believable.  As she headed back to the house she saw Regan standing in the doorway watching her, a concerned look on her face. 

Elena forced a fake laugh and said, “I forgot this stuff was in my trunk after all.  Guess I’m cracking up, huh?”

The high-pitched fake laugh didn’t fool her friend.  “Are you all right, honey?” 

“Yeah, Reg.  I’ll just put this stuff inside and then run to the bathroom.  We’ll be through with this in no time.  Can you pour me whatever you guys are drinking?”

Elena avoided the questioning looks from Regan and rushed past the other women.  Once in the bathroom she locked the door and curving her arms around her burning gut, slid to the floor in a heap.  She cried silent tears of misery.  What had her life become?  She was a drug
mule or something, and a plaything for Luis.  Plus, he planned to share her with his friends after he was through using her.  Her life was over.  If Dex ever found out he would kill Luis, Bobby and Eduardo.  Then his life would be over.  He would definitely dump her if he ever saw those pictures.  And Papa, he would be shocked and disgusted by the shots Bobby had taken, she was certain.

She moved to the sink and turned the hot water on full blast. She soaped up a cloth and began to scrub at her skin.  Everywhere they touched she felt filthy.  She couldn’t stop wondering what she had done to deserve this kind of torture.  Not knowing what else to do, she prayed.

After about twenty minutes in the bathroom she put on a fake smile and went back to her guests.  She faked her way through the rest of the evening with the help of tequila and rum.  By the time they were through, she was drunk and staggered to bed.  Never one to be able to hold more than a drink or two without getting sloppy and emotional, she collapsed on her pillow and cried her heart out.  She heard her mother come to the door and ask if she was OK, but she kept on crying.  Her father came by later after her sobs had turned to sniffles and shaky shuddering gasps for air.  He covered her up and rubbed her back.  “Whatever it is, my beautiful daughter, we can fix it.”  He pressed a kiss to her sweat dampened hair before he left her.  Elena wondered where she went from here.

Chapter Four

Dex rushed through the glass double doors and paused in the lobby to look for a hospital directory.  Quickly spotting the elevators, he pushed through the crowd and pressed the call button.  It seemed an eternity passed before the doors finally opened.  He waited impatiently for the passengers to exit before rushing in to press the button for the seventh floor.    It chugged slowly, stopping on each floor for the loading and unloading of passengers before it plodded sluggishly to the top.  Christ, how old was this damn elevator?  Finally, he arrived at the top floor and hurried out.

He stopped abruptly when he saw the sign for the psychiatric ward.  He looked around in confusion before locating Elena's parents behind the glass enclosed waiting room.
  They were huddled together on the corner of a worn vinyl couch.  Hector had his arms wrapped around his petite wife who was sobbing with her face pressed against his neck and her hands gripping handfuls of his shirt. Please God, No
! 
His mind reeled and he tried not to think about the bad news they had to deliver.

Still dressed in his ACU’s, he moved to the waiting room and paused in the doorway.
  "Hector?  Maria?  What is it? Is she...?" he couldn't continue and the question just lay heavy in the air.

"No Dexter!"
  Hector stood and rushed to reassure him.  His hand was outstretched and Dex grasped it firmly as he automatically responded to the familiar gesture.  "She's going to be OK, Dex but she gave us all a real scare."

"What happened?
  What is she doing on this floor?  Last I heard she was in ICU after the accident."

In the background, Maria started sobbing louder.
  She rose to join them clutching at Hector.

"Oh, Dex, It wasn't an accident.
  Elena..." She paused and looked at Hector who nodded his approval for her to continue. "She tried to take her own life."

Shocked,
 Dex paled beneath his deeply tanned skin.  He staggered to a seat and sank into it, his hands sliding up to his head and burrowing in his sandy brown hair.  Hundreds of questions rolled through his mind but his mouth stammered out only, "Why?"

"She won't talk to us Dex.
  She woke up yesterday in the ICU, groggy from blood loss.  She told the doctors and nurses that she didn't want to see any of us."  Dex watched as a tear rolled down Hector's face.  He had known this strong, proud man for years.   He could see the exhaustion caused by the last few days of stress etched in the lines of his face.  Maria's face reflected the same exhaustion but was also haggard from the pain and grief of this horrible event, her only daughter's suicide attempt. 

"She'll talk to me, by God."
  Dex growled in frustration. 

"No son, she is on the locked psychiatric unit under 24-hour suicide watch."
  Hector put a strong, restraining hand on the younger man's forearm and felt the tension and the barely leashed pain that consumed him.  Dex pulled away and began to pace.

"This doesn't make sense.
  What happened?  She was fine the last time I spoke with her."

"When was that
,
mij
o
?" Elena's mother looked up at him with tearful eyes. 

Dex thought back trying to pinpoint their last phone call.
  “It was a few weeks ago, three at the most.  But we have been emailing almost every day until last Saturday when you contacted my superiors with the news."   Dex paced back and forth running his long fingers through his hair, a habit when he was frustrated or worried.  "We used to Skype but I went out in the field and I didn't have access.  She knew that."

"I think she waited until you were away.”
  Maria said sadly.  “I think she has been planning this for a while.  She has been so quiet and withdrawn since you left.  We tried to reach her, offered to take her to see someone.  She refused.  Even Regan and Lexie couldn't get through to her.  My God, we should have insisted, forced her to go."

"
Querid
a
, don't torture yourself."  Hector pulled her close and rocked her gently, holding back his own tears.  "No one could have predicted she would do something like this.  She has always been such a happy, outgoing girl."

"Exactly!"
  Maria whaled, inconsolably.

"Something must have happened, dammit!"
  Dex was losing his mind.  "I've got to talk to someone.  Who’s her doctor?"

Dex strode out of the waiting room toward the metal, windowless double doors at the entrance to the psychiatric unit.
  Somewhere behind those doors was the woman he loved and he was determined to get to her.  The locked doors had a sign indicating visitation was restricted on this unit.  The next posted visiting hours were not until Friday evening at 7 pm.  The hell with that!  That was two days from now.  He picked up the phone and dialed the extension posted for assistance.

"This is Master Sargent Dexter Russell.  I am here to check on my fiancée, Elena Lopez.
 "

Dex paused as the response came regarding bullshit restrictions, limiting disruptions in programming, and therapeutic milieu, whatever the hell that was.
  "Listen, ma'am.  I understand you are just doing your job, but I didn't fly in from Afghanistan to stand here and listen to this crap.  So, I suggest you find someone with the authority to comply with my request.  Now!"

That demand was met with silence.
  The feminine voice was replaced by a male claiming to be Dr. So-and-So.  Dex's rigid stance eased when the doctor informed him that he would be right out to speak with him.

He resumed his pacing, this time across the worn carpeting in the hallway.
  He frowned in disgust as he looked around.  The hospital was in obvious need of renovation.  She's not staying in this dump another night, Dex resolved.  He turned when he heard the locks disengage and saw a young doctor who looked to be only about twenty-five exit the unit.  Dex frowned.  Is this the best they had to offer Elena, a kid just barely out of medical school?  He offered his hand introducing himself as Dr. Wilkins, Elena's attending psychiatrist.  He ushered Dex to an office down the hall, outside the locked unit and farther away from Elena. 

Seething with frustration, he tamped it down and followed, desperately seeking information.
  The doctor offered Dex a seat in a tattered wingback chair in his medium-sized office while he moved around to sit at his desk and reached for a file.  Although he was crawling with agitation and felt like he was going to detonate at any second like an IED, Dex sat and waited.

"I understand you are Elena's fiancé, Sargent,"
 he continued without waiting for confirmation. "Elena had a very serious suicide attempt and is very lucky to be alive today."

His hands came up and speared through his hair in frustration.  “Doctor, I can't understand what could have happened to bring her to this point.
  We were happy.  When we got engaged last December, we started making plans for our future.  She has a very promising music career, a great family and supportive friends.  I am absolutely floored and need some answers."

"Unfortunately, even if I had the answers, I couldn't give them to you without her permission.
  She has shut down, Sargent.  Her depression is so deep she has lost hope.  She is refusing to see all of her friends, he parents, her brother, and specifically you.  I wanted to see if you could take a look at something and possibly give me some insight."

"What would that be?"

"It's a note she left."  He looked intently at Dex.  "It’s her suicide note."  He pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from a file folder.

Dex sucked in a breath when he took it and saw the brown stains on it.
  Blood stains.  He looked up in question.

"She cut both her wrists, Sargent.
  Her intent was to die last Saturday."

Tears pooled in his eyes and threatened to roll down his anguished face.
  His sweet Elena, the light of his life had been dealing with something so unbearable she felt it was preferable to end her life than go on.  Knowing her strong Catholic upbringing, he was stunned.  He read the note containing what Elena believed would be her last words on this earth.  Her last message to those she was certain she was leaving behind.

I'm sorry for taking the coward’s way out, but I am so desolate I
 can't go on.   

Please know that I love you Mama and Papa.
  You did not fail me, I have failed you and wasted all the years you loved and sacrificed for me.  I know I am a big disappointment.  I accept all the blame.  You were the best of parents and I regret that you will never have the grandbabies you wanted to shower with all the love in your hearts.     

My beautiful Dex, mi amo, fate is indeed a cruel master.
  I can’t even beg your forgiveness because I know this cowardly act is unforgivable.  I am not strong like you.  I can't imagine a future that does not include this all-encompassing pain.  You are the love of my life, but you deserve so much more than a mere shell of a woman.  I’m ruined, broken, annihilated.   I will not allow you to contaminate your life by irrevocably tying it with mine and dragging you down with me.  Please don't grieve for me, my love.  You are the most honorable man I have ever known. Find someone who will not taint your pureness of heart.  Be happy and find someone worthy, for I do not deserve you.   I will never know your light again, but please shine it on someone that loves you as much as I do. 

God have mercy on me. 

Elena

Dex was stunned.  She really had planned to end her life.  Unable to contain his emotions, overcome by the sheer agony of her words, he sobbed and his big hands clutched at his gut as the pain racked his body.  What had caused the utter devastation in his Elena that had brought her to this point?

"Doc, the woman who wrote this, is not my Elena.
  It's not the same laughing, joyful, loving woman I left here six months ago.  Something happened."

"Sargent, I’ve seen notes like this before.
  Her utter desolation, the finality of the words, and the self-loathing, usually points to a woman who has been victimized and blames herself.  I have shared this with her parents and they are as much in the dark as you.  They can only describe the slow spiral into depression that started not long after you returned overseas.  They said that shortly after her car accident she stopped eating, couldn't sleep, and refused to see her friends, even her best friends Regan and Lexie.  According to everyone I’ve spoken to, she had a sudden change in personality and is the antithesis of the happy young woman you all describe."  He leaned forward and looked deeply into Dex's tormented eyes.

"You think she was assaulted or raped, don’t you?"

"Yes, but she won't tell anyone.  Look at these words," he pointed to the note.  "Tainted, desolate, contaminated, annihilated...whatever happened she feels it is devastatingly final, irreparable.  Our job is going to be convincing her that isn't the case."

"Can I see her?"

"Although she has refused to see anyone, I think it may be therapeutic.  She is here under an involuntary commitment order.  She wants to leave but I can't get her to contract for safety.”  He explained this seeing Dex's frown of confusion.  "Sorry, psych jargon, that’s a verbal contract where we get suicidal patients to promise not to harm themselves or to at least seek treatment if they start having thoughts of suicide again.  I firmly believe if we were to release Elena today, she would do it again."  He watched Dex.  This huge, mountain of a man looked like he might shatter.  "Do you think you can handle seeing her?  She won't be like you are used to.  When she woke after the attempt she was spitting mad that she hadn't succeeded.  Now, she is practically catatonic.  She lies in bed with her eyes open, staring.  She may nod or shake her head, but has spoken very few words other than yes or no.  She is refusing to eat and is down to about ninety-five pounds.  Somehow we have to get through to her, even if it is against her wishes."

"I want to see her Doc.
  No matter how bad it is.  I love her.  I want to help her.  I need to."

"OK, let's go then."

Dex followed Dr. Wilkins through the locked double doors into the psychiatric unit.  The same dull, drab colors as in the hallways and waiting areas covered the walls of the inpatient unit.  And for some odd reason that really ticked him off.  What the hell kind of place was this for depressed people?  It would depress anyone to be locked up in this dump.  The doctor led Dex through another set of locked doors, explaining that they were entering an acute care unit where the sickest patients were housed under close observation and security to keep them from harming themselves or others. 

"Are there violent patients here that could hurt her?"
 

"This unit is very well staffed and the patients are constantly supervised.
  She is not in any danger from others, only from herself.  Here we are." 

They paused in front of a patient room with a large observation window.
  Elena was lying on the twin bed facing the window.  Her eyes were open and she was staring at the empty space in front of her.  She didn't look up when he and the doctor stopped, seemingly unaware of their presence.  His heart ached for his little light.  He wanted to comfort her, ease her emotional pain but he also wanted to shake her and spank her for her behavior, scold her for hurting herself and for scaring the shit out of everyone.  His eyes left her beautiful face and wandered down her body.  She appeared frighteningly thin since the last time he’d seen her.  She had lost at least ten pounds and on her already small frame it really showed.