Let Me Be the One (15 page)

Darcy

“Are you serious, Caitlin?  You seemed so into Chris this weekend.”

“No, Darcy, you just want me to be into Chris s
o you imagine these scenarios.”

Rene chimed in, “I’m going to have to agree with her, Darce.  It was Chris who looked
totally smitten with Caitlin, I can’t say she looked like she was that into him.”

I rol
led my eyes, playfully. “Fine.  I guess I’ll just have to get used to what’s-his-name.”

Caitlin tapped her chin, faking the lost-in-thought look. “Yeah, what
is
his name?”

Rene said, “I guess I have one less dateless loser to hang out with Commencement Danc
e night.  I hate you, Caitlin.”

I jumped in, “You don’t need to be dateless, Rene.  I could name ten guys that would be begging for you to go with them if they t
hought they stood a chance.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.  And I’m going to end this conversation right now.  I love you but I’m not up f
or twenty questions right now.”

“No fun.  Why can’t we meet him?  Do you think your boyfriend will hate us?  Are we
that
awful?” I teased.

Rene blew us a ki
ss.  “I’m outta here, love ya!”

Caitlin and I were both flopped on the couch.  It was Monday morning but we were both still a little beat from Mac’s party.  “I’m sorry, Caitlin.  I just think Chris is great and I know he
’s crazy about you.”

“I don’t feel that way about Chris so I don’t want to lead him on, you know?”  She smiled, “Bill, which is his
name
by the way, is nothing but fun and that’s all I want right now.  I envy you and Tom, really, but I haven’t found ‘the one’ yet and I’m ok with that.”

“Alright, I’m officially relinquishing my matchmaking duties.  Sorry, I know I can be a pain.  I j
ust want to see you all happy.”

“I know that and I love you.  Now, onto more i
mportant topics…did you get your dress yet? I need to go shopping.”

“Yeah, I thought I showed you.”  We made our way upstairs and as I took the garment bag out of the closet
, I went on to tell her about Kasia and her fledgling website where she was selling her designs.  “She’s a really talented seamstress or, I should say, a talented designer.”

The dress was a strapless, knee-length, cream-colored dress with a detailed overlay. It had a slim, lavender colored grosgrain ribbon sash around
the waist.  Kasia had made it just for me so it hugged my body; it was so flattering.  I couldn’t wait to wear it.  I could tell Caitlin was impressed and that girl
knew
clothes.  “Wow. She’s really talented, Darcy.”

“I know.  I wish there was time for her to whip som
ething up for you but it would be cutting it too close.  I’m definitely up for a shopping trip, though.”

Caitlin and I spent a lazy afternoon on Newbury Street.  Caitlin found a great, super short dress that was quite expensive, given the very little fabric used in its construc
tion.  Our mission was accomplished.

Caitlin walked on the wild side compared to my other friends
, so when on a shopping trip with her it wasn’t unheard of to wind up in an adult entertainment store.  Today I got off easy when she dragged me into Agent Provocateur.  I liked beautiful lingerie but generally didn’t shop in stores like this.  For one, it was pricey, and it also felt a little risqué.  The women in the store looked way more sophisticated and worldly than me.  Caitlin didn’t bat an eye in places like this, though, so her attitude made me more daring.  The pieces were so delicate, the fabric so fine; I found myself loving the experience and I couldn’t wait to surprise Tom with the corset, garters, and beautiful everyday sets I bought.  He was going to flip.  I decided the corset and garter would be his surprise underneath my dress on the night of the dance and I’d save the satin and detailed lace bras and panties for our trip. 

Tom made me feel like this desirable, sexy goddess.  I sometimes didn’t recognize the wanton chick I’d become. 
 

Tom

I felt like yelling at my roommates at the top of my lungs, “Would you get the fuck out of here already?”

Darcy was at my place after her early class hanging out playing video games with me but she had
that
look in her eye.  She had that look a lot, I’m happy to say. 

Once we were alone, I scooped her up and carried her up the stairs.  I set her feet down on the floor and then went across the room and flopped down on my bed, legs crossed at the ankles and arms crossed behind my head.  “I just want to e
njoy this view for a minute.” 

I would never get tired of looking at her.  As she moved towards me she gave me a wicked smile as she slowly teased me, slipping the straps of her sundress down and then back up onto her shoulders.  When she finally slid the dress off and it pooled at her feet, she climbed up onto the bed.  She stayed on her knees, above me, and looked down as she slowly unclasped her bra.  This girl owned me.  She laid her body on top of mine and then spread her legs enough for me to settle in between her. 
I ran my hands over her body as I kissed her.  Her skin was so soft. I could never get enough of her.  I guided myself into her and she ground her hips into me, taking all of me in.  I raised myself up and sat face to face with her, cupping her bottom to pull her in as deep as I could go.  Being inside of her was heaven.  I loved being with her.  I loved everything about her.  I never wanted to be without her.  

We lay there after, side by side, kissing, talking, laughing, and running our hands over each other’s bodies.  We lazed around the rest of the morning, making love once more before peeling ourselves out of bed. 

It was nice to have time
, just the two of us, being lazy together.  Now it was just two weeks until graduation.  Having a few weeks together in Europe was going to be great but then I knew we were going to have to figure things out from there.  I didn’t push at all but hoped that Darcy would at least be in New York with me next year.

When my phone rang, I ignored the unknown number the first time but then picked up when it rang again a minute later.  “Hello, I’m looking for Thomas Farrell.” It was an elderly woman’s voice. 

“Yes, that’s me.”

She went on to say that she was calling on behalf of Breanne Riley.  I didn’t say anything right away because, honestly, the name didn’t ring a bell.  Her breath was labored.  “Thomas, can you hear me?”

“Yes, I can.  W
hat is this pertaining to?”

She sounded flustered.  “Pertaining to?  Well, pertai
ning to my granddaughter, Breanne. Do…did you know her?”

“I’m sorry ma’am.  T
he name doesn’t sound familiar.”

She sighed
, sounding disappointed. “Son, Breanne told me where you go to school and I live nearby.  I know this is an odd request but could I trouble you to meet with me this afternoon?”

“Um, I guess.  Can y
ou tell me what this is about?”

“I’d rather speak with you in person.  It’s of great i
mportance.”

She gave me her address and as I ended the call
, a feeling of dread washed over me.

Da
rcy

“Everything ok?”

Tom looked far away.  “Yeah, fine.  What were you just saying?”

I was telling Tom about the possibility of me teaching this year. I had spoken to my father and I had several opportunities to work alongside surgeons while I took the MCATs again, reapplied for the following year’s admissions and ultimately, decided if being a doctor was actually what I wanted.  I had also been contacted by the headmaster of my high school.  He had run into my dad at a fundraiser and when my dad told him about my taking a year off, he’d asked if I might be interested in teaching some AP Bio sections.  He had reached out to me again, anxious to see if I would take the position.  And honestly, I was feeling good about it.  Not just because I would be in New York with Tom but also because the idea of teaching was exciting, especially teaching AP Bio at my alma mater.  Those kids were bright and would keep me on my toes.  Conducting labs and preparing them for the AP exam would take a lot of work but I think it would be work I’d find fulfilling.  I was kind of going on and on when I realized Tom had not heard a word I’d said.  “So you’r
e ok with me posing for Maxim?”

“U
h huh, that sounds good.”

I waved my hand in front of his eyes.  “To
m, what’s up? You’re in space.”

He looked at me for a moment and then closed his eyes tight.  “Sorry, that call was weird.”

“Who was it?”

“I’m not sure.  It was some older woman asking me to meet her later today about something important. 
She mentioned a girl’s name...”

“And?”

He looked me straight in the eye with a pained expression.  “At first it didn’t register but I think I do know the name.”  After a silent moment he went on. “I feel like a shit but I don’t want any lies between us.  I remember hooking up with a girl last year right after school let out.  She was a bartender at a place in Newport.  Her name was Breanne.”

“Was sh
e one night or a relationship?”

He put his hand back on my hip.  I think he wanted to keep me from bolting.  “One night.”  He went on,
“I was honest with you, Darcy.”

I knew who he was.  It wouldn’t be fair if I flipped out on him now.  I took a minute be
fore I spoke again. “I know you’re being honest but sometimes it hurts.  I can’t help that but…there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make me turn my back on you, ok?”

He pulled me in c
lose and let out a deep breath.

“What do
you think this is about, Tom?”

“I don’t know but I don’t have a good feelin
g.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Absolutely.  I want you there with me.”

It was just one week before our Commencement Dance and all of us girls had planned to go shopping for shoes that afternoon.  Obviously, I was going to have to back out.  I didn’t know what this was about, although I sensed it wasn’t going to be good.  I needed to know and I wanted to be there for Tom.

Tom

I was regretting having involved Darcy in this.  I probably should have kept my mouth shut and done this on my own.  This just didn’t seem like it was going to be good.  Why would someone be contacting me on this girl’s behalf?

Darcy was showered and ready to go and then at four o’clock we pulled up outside a modest house in a neig
hboring town that was older but neatly kept.  I cleared my throat before I knocked on the door.  All of a sudden I was nervous as hell; I mean, shaking.  An older woman, like late-seventies maybe, opened the door and looked at me and then looked at Darcy for a long moment.  “Hello, I’m Thomas Farrell.  This is my girlfriend, Darcy.

She smiled at Darcy and took a deep, ragged breath. “Come in, please.” We all stood awkwardly in the living room.  “My name is Marjorie McDaniels.  My gran
ddaughter, Breanne, was someone you were acquainted with, Thomas?”

“I beli
eve so.  Is she here?”

“No but if you turn around, on that table the
re is a recent picture of her.”

When I saw the picture I knew right away who she was.  Newport, me very drunk, very good looking girl tending bar, ugh.  The pit in my stomach grew when I took in the other pictures.  There was one of a newborn in the kind of hat and wrap they wear in the hospital.  There was another of
Breanne with the infant on her lap. 

Fuuuuck me.

I looked to Darcy, who was now sitting next to the woman on a couch on the other side of the room.  She nodded to reassure me.  She was an angel but I was dreading her reaction when she saw what I’d just been looking at.  I cleared my throat again. “Is Breanne here?”

The woman’s face looked stricken. “No
, dear.  Do you remember hearing about an accident between a charter bus and several cars on the Mass Pike last month?”  When I shook my head she went on, her voice now lowered to a whisper, “Of course you wouldn’t.  My Breanne was on her way home from working late and was involved in that accident.  She died instantly.”

The woman took in another ragged breath.  Darcy gasped and then instinctively held the
woman’s hands.  “I’m so sorry.”

She looked to Darcy
and smiled.  “Thank you, dear.”

I st
ammered, “Is-is this her baby?”

It
looked like she’d grabbed onto Darcy’s hand tighter.  “Yes, Breanne’s and…yours.  I pled with Breanne to get in touch with you.  She was unsure whether or not she would keep the baby or give him up for adoption.  When she was a few months along she did go to see you.  It was not her wish to do so but I had convinced her that every man was entitled to know if has was going to be a father.  When she saw you, for some reason she decided against approaching you.  She was adamant that she could do this on her own.”

I had my eyes closed as she spoke.  I was afraid to look at Darcy.  When I did open my eyes she had her head lowered but was still holding hands with this woman.  I wanted to ask if she was sure it was mine but I knew enough to know that saying something along those lines would be a bad idea right now.  And I was having a flashback to a heat of the moment, already naked, “I don’t have a condom on me, I’ll pull out,” conversa
tion.

I’m such a fucking asshole.

When I stayed quiet she went on, “I raised Breanne.  She didn’t have it easy.  My daughter was irresponsible and Breanne’s father was not someone I wanted involved in my granddaughter’s life, so I was just as happy that he didn’t ever bother with her.  Breanne was smart, she worked hard, she was a good student, and she had a future mapped out for her and for James.”

Darcy said his n
ame aloud, to herself, “James.”

“Yes.  James’s birthday was February
fifth.”

Darcy looked a
t me.  “He’s three months old.”

I wanted to lie down on Mrs. McDaniel’s couch and just close my eyes.  I had this sudden urg
e to sleep, to drift away, to escape.  I forced out the words, “Where is he?”

“I know this must be a shock for you, Thomas.  No preparation.  But life is like that, sudden, sometimes cruel, and sometimes difficult.  Breanne’s life was cut short without warning.  I don’t know what her wishes would have be
en.  I’m the only person she had on this earth and I don’t know if she would have wanted me to contact you.  I’m just doing the best I can.  I’m an older woman.” She gestured over her shoulder to where an oxygen tank stood in the corner and chuckled. “I have emphysema.  I’m not exactly able to go out and teach the boy to throw a baseball.”

“Is the baby…is James here?”

She gestured towards the hall.  “He’s sleeping in the room.  Go ahead in.”

I was in a daze.  When I didn’t move Darcy got up and took both of my hands in hers to prompt me.  She led me in there and rubbed my hand as we walked over to the crib.  Yep, a little baby, dressed in a blue one-piece thing was in there, sleeping peacefully
.  Darcy squeezed my hand.

I went to say something to her but my voice sounded like a croak and I really had nothing to say.  I just looked at her and shook my head.  God, I wa
s so sorry I’d done this to us.

“Look at me, Tom.  It’s going to be ok.  It’s
alright.  Come.”

She led me back out of the room. She spoke first. “He’s a b
eautiful baby, Mrs. McDaniels.”

“He is.  He’s a dream.  But in my condition you can imagine
, he’s a handful.”

Darcy went on, “Yes.  Where do we go from here?  What are your wish
es?”

“I’ll be frank.  I can’t care for him.  I can barely lift him from the crib without having a wheezing fit.  I feel sick about setting him out in the world and I hope that if Thomas steps up to care for him that he will keep me in his life by bringing James to visit with me when he can.”  She directed her question at me. “Thomas, are you ok?”

I was still a little out of it but I managed to respond. “Yes ma’am.  Of course I will take care of him.”

As I said that I felt my voice crack.  Shit, I was abou
t to cry like a little girl.

Darcy was all action.  I wanted
to ask her what she was doing.  I felt like I was having an out of body experience.  As I stood there like an idiot, Darcy was giving the woman my parents’ address and both of our cell phone numbers, explaining we would be taking the baby there for the next few days until we got our situation sorted out.  Within ten minutes Darcy had a car seat fastened in the back row of the truck and had a playpen, clothes, formula, and diapers packed up.  She had paperwork from the woman and was holding hands with her, reassuring her that we would take excellent care of James.  “Mrs. McDaniels, James will be well cared for and loved.”

What was happening?

Mrs. McDaniels cried as she whispered, “You can’t imagine how hard this is but I am so happy knowing that James will have a good life.  I’ve gotten progressively worse over the past two years.  I know that I won’t be on this earth for very long.  My peace is in knowing he will have someone who loves him.”

Darcy hugged her close. 
Mrs. McDaniels came over to hug me tight then, coughing first before she was able to say, “Thomas, you’ll do the right thing.”

“Yes ma’am.”

I was like a robot.

Darcy walked out of the room with the sleeping baby in her arms, told
Mrs. McDaniels she would call when we made it to Connecticut, and then walked outside to put him in the car.  I hugged Mrs. McDaniels back and managed to say, “I’m so sorry about Breanne,” before I walked out.

Darcy

“Are you ok to drive, Tom?”

“Darcy, what are we doing? What am
I
doing?”

“Where are your parents? Did they leave al
ready?”

“My mother is going to fucking faint.  They won’t
be back for another four days.”

“Where are the boys?”

“They’re staying with Mary and Rob.”

I put my hand on his.  He was shaking. “Tom, whate
ver happens, I love you and I’m not going anywhere, ok?”

He shook his head. “I
feel like all I do is fuck up.”

“Stop it. We’ll go home and call your uncle Rob.  He’s a lawyer so he’ll know what to do.  And we’ll take care of this lit
tle guy.  It’s going to be ok.”

“How can you say that?”

“Look at him.  He’s a sweet little thing.  He has no one.  He
needs
us.”

We stopped at a store halfway between school and Tom’s home.  Tom stayed in the truck with James while I ran in and managed to grab a cradle, bedding, more diapers, formula, wipes, pacifiers and bottles, making it in and out of
the store in twenty minutes. 

By the time we got to Tom’s house James was just starting to open his eyes and fuss.  Tom spent nearly two hours putting the cradle together.  I gave James a bath in the kitchen sink
—that was old school.  Then I diapered the little guy, fed him, and checked back in on Tom.  He had been pretty quiet.  When I walked into the living room holding James, Tom was kneeling next to the cradle with his face in his hands.  “Tom? Hey, are you alright?”  I was getting worried about him. “It’s going to be ok.”

He looked up at me with a bitter expression and snapped, “Why do you keep saying that? This is fucking terrible.  Jesus, I’m not even
twenty-two.”  He put his head in his hands again and after a moment mumbled, “I’m sorry, Darcy.”

He was starting to irk me.  “Here, take James so I can put the sheets on the
mattress and settle him in.”

Tom sat on the couch with James.  I was happy to see that even though he looked shaky, his natural instinct was to ki
ss James’s head and rock him.  I took my time so Tom could feel James close to him, lying on his chest while he held him.

I can’t explain it.  I didn’t feel anger.  I guess I should have been upset but I just wan
ted to make it better for Tom.  And I really felt that a baby was always good news.  Cancer, car accidents—they were bad news. Babies were there to be loved.

I sat in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of much-needed wine.  I looked through the papers.  I was glad he had received pediatric care.  Everything looked up to date.  Then I looked at the birth certificate.  Yes, Thomas Farrell was listed as the father.  The third paper was a death certificate for the mother.  With that, I reme
mbered I had to call Mrs. McDaniels.  I told her all was good and we would stop in again next week as soon as we were back up by campus.

After I got off the phone I thought to myself that I needed to ask her for some pictures of Breanne so that James would have a remembrance of his mother when he was older.  I knew from experience that pictures could give you a connection to a person you
loved but didn’t really know.

I checked my phone and when I saw a message about our travel itinerary, my heart sank.  I shot off a few emails, essentially cancelling the trip.  It had been a long day and I felt like I could cry from a combination of fatigue, disappointment and shock but I didn’t.   I went back in, took James from Tom and put him in the cradle.  Tom followed me back into the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer.  He sat a
cross from me and took my hand.  “I’m sorry I spoke to you like that, Darcy.  I should be kissing the ground you walk on right now.  You’re so calm but I
know
you must be mad at me.”

“Tom, how can I be mad?  You weren’t with me then.  It
’s not like you cheated on me.”

“You can be mad at me for screwing up our pl
ans—plans for a life together.”

“That hasn’t changed for me.”

“Holy shit, Darcy.  I still just can’t believe this is happening.”

I called Jenna so that she wouldn’t worry and was so glad when I got her voicemail.  I put on a fake, cheery voice, told her not to wait up, and I’d talk to her tomorrow. 
This
could not be explained over the phone.

T
om

I was exhausted and so was Darcy.  We fell asleep on the couch next to the cradle, only to be woken up at
two and then again at six to feed and change James.  We both fell back asleep when he took a morning nap.  Darcy said she was planning on going to sleep by eight tonight and that sounded good to me.

I called my uncle Rob.  After his initial shock he left his office, came over, and got right down to business.  He got in touch with a colleague who gave us a referral for a paternity test.  When he stated my options in a matter-of-fa
ct way—keeping the baby or contacting an adoption agency—Darcy gasped, “Give him up?  If James is Tom’s child then he is not going to be given up!”  This was getting real. 

Darcy, Rob and I went to the lab with James.  I felt bad when they had to draw blood from the little guy.  He wailed.  Darcy was so good with him.  She just rocked him and spoke to him softly and then—just like that—he was calm again.  I was awestruck at first but then felt terrible watchi
ng her snuggle him against her.  I felt so guilty.  What would her parents think of this? Caleb and Luke were probably going to kick my ass and I knew I deserved it.