Let Me Be the One (10 page)

The next morning we slept in a little late, ate brunch with my parents, and then made our way back to school.  It was good to get back because I missed having Tom sleep over.   Sunday nights we usually didn’t stay together but we had been living like we were in a convent for the past few days and I think we both needed it.  I know
I
needed to feel his arms around me.

Tom

Finals were coming up.  I felt like I was writing paper after paper and studying non-stop the past two weeks.  Darcy was really busy too.  I looked forward to eating dinner with her at night.  We were staying with each other on the weekends but weeknights lately were crazy so dinnertime was the time when I got to relax and just talk to her.  I never got tired of just talking to her.

In addition to getting ready for finals, I was preparing my resume for the on-site interviews that the big firms conducted on campus.  It was a weird time because all of this was making it clear that our time here was coming to a close and we were
all about to face our futures.

Darcy had been wavering a bit on going straight to medical school in the fall.  She was considering doing an interning stint with a medical mission and deferring school until the following year.  I didn’t weigh in on that because, for one, she knew better than I did on that topic and also because I didn’t want to push her into anything based on what I wanted.  That wouldn’t be fair.  If I did, I would tell her that I didn’t want her on any mission where she was away from me or, even worse, in some poverty-stricken far-off country where she couldn’t even contact me and I’d be worried
twenty-four-seven.  I think that would do me in. 

If I had my way, Darcy would be back in New York and I would b
e working on Wall Street.  I knew she wouldn’t move in with me but we would be able to play some version of house when I got my own apartment in the city.  But like I said, I was keeping my opinions to myself.

There weren’t many big parties the last two weeks before winter break but there were a few low-key get-togethers.  People needed to let off some steam in between all the studying.  We had one at our place.  Darcy and all of her roommates were there, Chris, Mac, Nick and their housemates, as well as the rest of the rugby guys and few other females.  Low key by our standards but it was pretty crowded. 

Nick and I were no longer friends.  Since that night at the Sox game we mostly kept our distance from one another but we didn’t totally avoid being in the same place at the same time; we had too many friends in common for that to be possible.  After a little time had passed, if we were in the same room we didn’t totally ignore one another; a head nod might pass between us.  Tonight, Nick was well behaved and chatting up Mo
rgan’s roommates, Liz and Carrie.  He was currently off with his on-and-off again girlfriend.  Even I hoped that he would find someone that would make him happy; I wanted his thoughts on someone else other than Darcy. 

Darcy headed home earlier than everyone else.  After I walked her back to her place and spent a few quality minutes groping and kissing, I walked back into my house to see a considerably wilder scene.  The music was louder and Carrie was on the kitchen counter as Nick was licking the leftovers from the s
hot he just took off her belly—so much for him finding true love.  When Liz saw me come back in, she made a bee-line for me.  “Hey Tom, there you are.  Where’s your
beautiful
girlfriend?”

“She hit the hay.”

She shrugged and smiled.  “Too bad.  So what’s new with you?” Without waiting for an answer she went on, plaintively, “I feel like since
she’s
been in the picture I never see you anymore.  I feel like I’ve lost one of my closest friends.”

What was with the pouty face? And really, calling us closest friends? Yeah, I didn’t know about that.  I
really
didn’t want to be talking to her right now but I couldn’t escape without making it totally obvious. “I’ve been around, Liz.  Who’s been in your life this year? I know you’re not spending your time at home knitting scarves.”

She lowered her head and then
, for added effect, licked her lips as she looked up at me.  “No, not exactly, but every other guy pales in comparison to you.”

I took a big gulp of my beer and looked away.  “That was a lifetime ago.”

Sadly, she said, “Yeah, tell me about it.”

Ben came over just then and I felt relieved to be done with this conversation.  I didn’t like reminders of what an asshole I’d been. 
Liz was an acquaintance—a friend, I guess—but in
no way
was I attracted to her, even back then.  Still, though, I’d taken what I wanted from her; I’d used her like I had many others.

The night before our last final Darcy and I were hanging out, watching a movie to unwind.  I loved sitting with her, my arm wrapped around her shoulders, holding her close to me.  She looked up at me and smiled that sweet smile. “You’re sure you can’t come to Puerto Rico?”

“Darcy, you know I’m dying to come but Brendan and Terrence would be really disappointed if I didn’t head to Florida with the family.”

“I know. I’m just feeling bad for myself. I was counting on being able to feel you up in the pool.  Maybe do a little naked night-swimming in the ocean.”

“You’re killing me!”

She laughed, “Just teasing.  Beth, Rene, and Caitlin are coming so with them and my parents, there wouldn’t be any room in the house to sneak off and be together anyway.”

“Caleb isn’t going?”

“No, he said he can’t get away with work. He’s been…I don’t know…quiet lately and hard to read.  Overall, I’d say Caleb is kind of a dog when it comes to women but I have noticed there’s a girl down there that he seems particularly friendly with so I’m surprised he’s not coming.  Her dad owns a local restaurant on the beach.  He hasn’t told me about her but I know he flies down there at least every other month and it’s not just for the surfing.”

“Next time you go I want to tag along.”

“Definitely.  I know I sound like a whiner but I’m feeling bad already knowing I’m going to be missing you over the break.”

It made my chest swell hearing those words.

Darcy stayed with us for two days after we left school for the break.  I know
every member of my family loved her and Darcy seemed totally content to be hanging out with my parents and brothers.  She insisted on taking Brendan and Terrence with us when I suggested dinner and a movie one of the nights and then she spent time helping the boys pick out gifts for my mom and dad in the mall afterwards.  I loved watching her with them. 

Last week I had called my mom for some advice on a Christmas present for Darcy.  Twenty questions ensued.  “Well, that depends, what do you want the present to say?  Do you want to just get Darcy something that she likes or is she a person you want to really
tell
something to?”

“I’m not following, Mom.”

“Well, if it’s not that serious yet and you just want her to be happy with what she gets you could buy her concert tickets, a nice handbag, or something else she’d like.  But if it’s
meaningful
that you’re looking for, then you have to rack your brain.” 

“Rack my brain?”

After a pause she went on, “You know that old teapot I have displayed in the living room on the mantle; the one that’s so old that the finish on it looks cracked?”

“Vaguely.”

“Your father gave that to me on my birthday when we just started dating.”

I laughed. “Man, who knew he was so romantic. A teapot?”

She snapped, “It
was
romantic, Tom.  I was a big tea drinker, even back then, and your dad was fascinated that I brewed my tea and didn’t use a teabag.  He told me afterwards that he loved watching me make tea.  It reminded him of being in his grandmother’s kitchen as a child.”  Then she laughed as she went on, “Listening to this story myself I’m thinking it doesn’t sound like the start of a passionate affair but,” her voice went all nostalgic then, “the point is he was telling me with that gift that I was like home, familiar, and somewhere he was very happy.  Get it?” 

“Yeah, I get it.  Now this just got a whole lot more complicated.”

“You’ll think of something, Tom.”

When I drove her back to New York I stayed with the Donovans for two days.  I really enjoyed spending time with her family too.  Her dad and Sarah were like how I’d want to be with my wife after being married for almost twenty years.  They held hands and touched whenever they were near one another and truly seemed to enjoy spending time together. 

This visit, I also got to spend time with Luke and Kate.  They showed us around two sites they were renovating and flipping in the West Village.  They did some beaut
iful work and seemed to love what they were doing.  I hoped Darcy and I were going to be as happy when we got out in the “real world”.

Luke
had been a little stand-offish for the first part of the day when I first met him over Thanksgiving weekend but this time he was friendly, relaxed—totally cool.  I knew back then that he was doing the protective big brother thing and I was ok with that; I liked that Darcy had Caleb and Luke looking out for her.  Now I was glad, though, that I’d apparently passed the test and he’d accepted me. 

I knew Darcy had been struggling with making a decision about her future more and more lately. The first night I was there, she and I sat sharing a bottle of wine and she laid it all out there.  “It’s just been my intention for so long.  I feel this constant pressure because I’ve always had a plan.  Now I’m panicking about what I’m going to do come September.  I feel directionless but then I also have this nagging feeling that trudging along just isn’t right.  It’s just hard to admit that after all this time…maybe I really don’t want it.”

“Darcy, I’ll be there whatever you decide to do.  And if you decide that it’s not what you want, you’re not letting anyone down.”

Before going to bed on
our last night together, we exchanged gifts sitting in front of her tree.  I was a little nervous giving her mine.  I was starting to doubt my mother’s advice and was afraid Darcy wasn’t going to get what I was trying to tell her.  As she opened the small box her eyes went wide when she saw the watch.  It was a pretty cool design that I actually picked out myself with a large retro-looking face and a leather strap that wrapped around the wrist twice.  Just a little funky—like Darcy.  “I love it, Tom!”

“Turn the face over, Darce.”

She did and then she dipped her head down for a moment before she looked back up at me with an expression I couldn’t really read.  Did she understand I was telling her it was okay, she had all the time in the world?  And that I wanted that time, all the time ahead of her, with me?  Maybe this was too much, too soon.

“All the t
ime in the world.  Thank you, Tom.”  She smiled as she moved in closer to kiss me and then whispered, “You never make me feel rushed or…worried about the future.  When I’m with you I don’t feel so much pressure.  I
do
feel like I have all the time in the world.”

Score one for Mom.  I was glad I followed her advice and put some serious thought into this because if I hadn’t, Darcy’s gift would have put me to shame.  We both laughed when I first opened the box and saw a watch.  “Great minds think alike, huh?”

“Turn yours over, Tom.”

I took French in high school and that was my weake
st subject; I was no linguist.  I couldn’t make out the word.  In response to my confusion she said, “Siempre.  It means always,” she looked embarrassed and a little uncertain then as she went on, “or forever.  I wrote it in Spanish because that year I was in Spain…you were always on my mind.”

I gently pulled her into my lap and kissed her.  Could she understand how much I loved her?  Those words were all I felt I had but they didn’t seem like they could possibly make her understand
that she was everything—all that I’d ever need.

Darcy

If I couldn’t spend the whole vacation with Tom I was happy that at least I had my girls coming along with me.  And that was a feat.  When I saw the great deal on airfare I knew I could maybe convince them, even Rene.  She was too proud to take anything as a gift.  I knew she didn’t have it easy.  I mean, I always worked five days a week all summer as a lifeguard.  I felt it was my responsibility to earn my own money and never hit my dad up for spending cash.  But for Rene, it was different.  She wasn’t working because of her principles.  We knew she didn’t have a lot of support from her family, financial or otherwise.   Rene carried a full course load, an internship at a local television station, and worked as a waitress, as many shifts as she could manage.  I really admired her for that.  She never complained.

Caitlin was totally into a getaway but was concerned they would be putting my family out.  “What about Caleb, Luke
, and Kate?  Is there room for all of us?”  I assured them that my brothers weren’t coming.  Caleb couldn’t get away from work, he said, and Luke and Kate weren't flying; it was too close to her due date.  Jenna was an easy sell and needed no convincing.  She was always up for some fun in the sun and Rincon was the best.  It was laid back, nothing fancy, with no need to pack much more than a bathing suit.  And the girls knew it was true when I told them that my mom and dad loved having them.  So it was a go.  I was flying down with my parents on New Year’s Eve and the girls were coming down the next day.

Christmas was really nice.  My mom always decorated like crazy and there were always people popping in and hanging out.  Caleb and Luke’s friends, guys I’d known since I was a little girl, came around, my high school friends, and lots of family.  It was always a great time.

I also got together with Kasia and Dylan that week in between Christmas and New Year’s.  I was so
grateful I’d met up with her that night over Thanksgiving break.  We were good friends in high school but had lost touch and I really liked Kasia.  She was different from the other girls I went to high school with.  Most were nice, don’t get me wrong, but we were all privileged and most were overindulged.  Kasia was at my school on scholarship.  I’d been to her home a few times.  Her parents were Polish immigrants and I remember she had three older, strapping, hot—I digress—she had three older, protective brothers.  That alone gave us a whole load in common.  I remember her mother making us pierogis and telling us about growing up in a small coastal town on the Baltic Sea.  I liked her family.  Her parents kept a neat, tidy row house in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, but they also owned several others in the area.  Greenpoint was a little gritty back then but had recently become one of the newer, trendier outpost neighborhoods of the city.  I figured her family was likely well off now as landlords in that neighborhood.  Her circumstances seemed like they had changed somewhat but she was still the same down to earth girl I remembered. 

Being with Dylan and Kasia, although I had fun and thought they were great together, made me feel like a total third wheel and made me miss Tom like crazy.  I
was
happy, though, at the thought of Kasia, Dylan, Tom and I being in New York together after graduation.  Dylan was going to be working for his dad in the city, Kasia’s parents pretty much insisted she be based in New York, Tom would be here and I was becoming more certain every day that I would be with him no matter which career path I took.

I was in full-on island mode when I picked the girls up from the airport in the Jeep my dad had rented.  As soon as we got back to the house the girls did a quick change and we were on the beach with cold Medallas in hand within twenty minutes.  It was just
so
much better than bracing against the bitter January New England wind. 

We spent the next day like the first.  Lounging on the beach, reading trashy magazines, talking, and talking some more, followed by drinks and dinner on the deck of the house overlooking the ocean.  It was mellow but fun.  We sent Beth pictures to let her know we missed
her but after a few she texted:

Stop bitches! I’m about to cry I’m so jealous!

By day three we were all tanned and totally on island time.  I was up at ten, which was
so
late for me but I knew the other girls wouldn’t be rolling out of bed until noon.  I stood at the counter making coffee when in walked Caleb. “Hey, miss me?”

“Oh my God! I thought you couldn’t make it?” I shrieked as I ran to hug him.

“Well, the weather in New York was crappy and when I checked the weather here it seemed like I might be missing out on some good surfing.”

“Really?
The waves have been pretty lame so far.  Sure this trip isn’t because you’re missing a certain waitress?”

He looked confused for a second and then practically bit as he leaned in close and lowered his voice, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Jeez, a little sensitive, are we? I was referring to that girl, the one whose dad owns the restaurant down by the beach?”

I had touched a nerve. 
He let out a breath.  “Sorry I snapped, Darce, but really, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Alright, forget I said anything.”

With that, Caitlin and Jenna strolled out, looking sleepy and seriously in need of coffee.  Jenna ran over and gave Caleb a hug when she saw him.  Caitlin looked a little stunned.  I have seen girls get all strange and awkward around Caleb, he was good looking and all, but Caitlin knew him.  Caitlin quickly shook off the startled look and said, “Hey, Caleb, thought you were swamped at work?”

“I couldn’t resist seeing you all and getting in a few days of surfing.  Hope I’m not ruining your girls’ get
away.  I promise I’ll stay out of your way, I’ll even sleep on the beach.”

Jenna joked, “You might get mauled by a pack of wild dogs in your sleep but I have my own bed as it is now so, yeah, you stay on the beach.”

Caleb laughed, “Ok, so that’s how it’s gonna be? Well, I’d love to stay here and cook—better yet—hand-feed you ladies breakfast, but the waves are calling my name.”

Rene walked in then and looked stunned as well.  What was up with these girls?

“Hey Rene, how are you?”

“I didn’t think you were coming.”

“I wasn’t planning on it but I couldn’t stay away.”

With that, Caleb grabbed his things and went to go change.  Jenna sighed, “I love my Dan but I’m looking forward to seeing Caleb running down the beach half-naked with his surfboard in a few minutes.”

They were all irritating me now! “Ugh, Jenna, that’s my brother!”

Tom

After I left New York I knew I wouldn’t be seeing her for more than two long weeks until we got back to school.  My family spent every Christmas on the Florida coast with my grandparents.  I couldn’t skip out on this trip because I knew I wouldn’t be spending this kind of time with the boys in the years to come; I’d be working full-time come this summer. 

I called Darcy every morning and then we texted back and forth all day.  A few days in, instead of a
message I got a cute selfie of my sweet Darcy in a
very
nice bikini with:

Do u miss me?

I was sitting playing cards with my father and grandfather and I could no longer hold a conversation with them.

R u trying to kill me woman?

She wrote:

Lol. Now that you’ve seen that, delete it.  I don’t

want ur family to think I’m some ho that sends

half-naked selfies.

No way
, I thought to myself.

Delete it? Darce, i
t’s my screen saver.

That would set her in a panic.  She could be modest;
it was one of the many things I found endearing about her.

Not joking, T. Delete it…now.

This was the first time I was anxious to leave the Flo
rida sun for cold, dark New England in January.