Let Me Be the One (18 page)

Darcy was talking with my mom and dad.  As I walked near her I could feel her stiffen.  I hated how she seemed to be bracing for the worst with me.  “Darcy, can we talk alone for a minute?”

I led her down to the basement.  I was so uncomfort
able.  I had my hands shoved in my pockets and whenever I tried to look at her I wound up shifting my gaze to the ceiling.  I took a deep breath and started in. “I’m sorry.  I know I’m hurting you but one day you’ll thank me, Darcy.”

She pushed me back, both hands on my chest.
  Damn, she was pretty strong.  “What?”  She looked more hurt and angrier than I’d ever seen her as she got right up in my face. “When will I thank you?  In five years when I hear you’re marrying someone else?  Or when I settle for someone else out of loneliness?” She lowered her voice. “When I’m thinking of you as I’m
fucking
someone else?  When exactly will I feel thankful?”

“Darcy, you’re
twenty-one.  I’m not having you play house with me.  If you’re with me it’s going to keep from you doing the things you
should
be doing at this age.  You should be going out, having fun, and traveling.  And if you’re with me, what happens to med school?”

“Don’t use that.  Med school may or may not be ha
ppening regardless of whether or not you’re in my life.  Tom, we could make this work.”  Her last words were a plea but then when I didn’t answer, her voice hardened and she took my chin in her hand and forced me to look directly at her.  “You’re a liar.  You promised me that if things ever got difficult between us you wouldn’t just pull away.  We would talk to each other, no matter what.  I’m not pulling away from you, Tom, I’m here. Where are
you
?”

When I stayed quiet she swallowed and looked away.  I know she was trying no
t to break down in front of me.  I should have pulled her close but I didn’t.  It killed me to do it but I was putting the final nail in the coffin.  I put on a detached expression and broke out the icy demeanor I used to reserve for the needy girls that I wanted to get rid of back in in the day.  “Darcy,
what
don’t you understand?  You gotta stop this.  I’m doing this on my own
.  I don’t want you with me
.”

She stared at me in disbelief; it was
as if I’d slapped her.  Then she took a deep, shaky breath and averted her gaze.  “Can you stay down here a minute until I leave?”

I heard her upstairs.  She managed to sound som
ewhat cheerful with Brendan and Terrence.  I heard her saying her goodbyes to my parents, taking James from my mom for a kiss, and then a moment later I heard the door close.  When I came up Darcy and Dan were gone and then Dan walked back in the house a minute later.  He looked irritated. “She took the car back.  I’ll head back with Ben.”  A moment later he slapped his forehead.  “Oh shit, I wasn’t thinking.  Unless you’re heading back with us, I’m going to need to take your truck back again.”  He looked like he wanted to punch me and I knew he wasn’t referring to the transportation dilemma as he muttered, “This trip was pointless.” 

My mother excused herself with James, looking as if she was going to cry, leaving my dad, the boys, Dan, Ben and I standing around looking
at each other in the kitchen—massive awkward silence.

My dad finally spoke up. “Come on
, Brendan and Terrence, we’re going to go pick up some dinner to bring back, give Tom some time with his friends.”

Brendan and Terrence both looked back at me, their faces a mix of bewilderment and disappointment. 
I was getting a lot of that lately.  They loved Darcy and they knew what had just gone down wasn’t good. 

I wished everyone would go the fuck away and let me crawl into a hole like I wanted to.

Ben said, “So what’s your plan, Tom? Are you and the baby going to live here with your parents and your mom will help you out while you’re working?”

“Yeah, for now that seems to be the best plan. 
Hey, Dan, what did she say outside?”

Dan shrugged but he looked like he could spit nails.  “Just said she had to leave right away.  I think she wan
ted to get out of here before she broke down and cried in front of everyone.”

“I know you think I’m being a dick.”

“Yeah, gotta say I do.  Total dick.”

Ben jumped in, “I don’t know, it’s a tough call.  You think she would really want to be a mother at
twenty-one?  Darcy’s bright, beautiful, young…she can do anything, be anything.  Sitting home with James while Tom is off working all the time might get old real quick.”

Dan shook his head, “No.  It doesn’t have to be like that.  You and Darcy could make a family for James.  You’re letting the best thing that’s ever happened to you walk out the fucking door.”

“Shit, I can’t do this.  Please, stop fucking telling me what’s good for me, ok?”

Dan was clearly livid. “Whatever.”

Ben asked cautiously, “You want us to hang out here with you tonight? I’m into it, you know, having a mellow night.  I just have to be back in the morning.  I never picked up my tux and I think I have to get it by noon tomorrow.”

“Oh fuck.  I forgot about the dance.”

Dan was deliberately looking away from me. “She told me she’s not going.  Even if you come back to school for it she’s not going with you.  So don’t sweat it, Tom.”

Great, now I had to think about Darcy in her room miserable while all her friends were getting dressed up and going to, what was supposed to be, the biggest ev
ent of our senior year.  “Go back tonight guys.  I appreciate you coming down here.  I really do.”

Dan shook his head and then looked at me sympathe
tically. “Tom really, I’m sorry I’m giving you such a hard time.  You know I just want to see you happy and I think you’re making some pretty shitty decisions right now.”

I shook my head. “I’ve got to work this out myself.”

Ben was ready to bolt. “Alright, we’re outta here.  Are you coming up before graduation?”

“I’m day to day right now…don’t know.”

Later that night I had my phone in my hand.  I should have called her but I didn’t know what to say. I texted her like a coward:

I don’t know what to say except t
hat I’m sorry.

I didn’t get a reply.
 

Darcy

“Listen ladies, if you act all weird around me today because you think I’m in some kind of mental free fall, I’ll kill you.  I’m really ok.  I’ve made my peace with it.  I’m helping with hair and make-up and then Rene, Cara and I are going to get drunk with a few other dateless wonders.”

Jenna put on a bright
smile. “Don’t you worry, Darce.  I’m going to make you my stylist, hairdresser, make-up artist, and general all-around bitch-slave today.  I’ll be your wicked step-sister and bark orders at you!”

“That’s more like it.”

I actually was ok, or managing to hold it together would be a better way to put it.  Word had gotten around the Village pretty quickly that Tom and I were not together but no one except my roommates and Tom’s knew about James.  By three o’clock one of Tanner’s roommates and then another guy had come by to ask if I would be their date, last minute.  I declined.  It wouldn’t have been fair to the guy because I would have been miserable company.  I was content to see everyone off and then head out with Rene, Chris, Cara and a few other friends.  When six-thirty came, though, I gave Rene the look so we could head out a little early.  The thought of seeing the boys all dressed up, here to pick up the girls they loved, or at least lusted after, as in Caitlin’s case, was too much. 

As
I was leaving I ran into Dan, who had intentionally come over early to catch me before I left.  What can I say, Jenna had a
great
guy.  He hugged me tight.  “Darce, I’m glad I caught you.  I just want to tell you that I hate this.  He’s making a huge mistake and I hope he gets his head out of his ass before it’s too late.”

“Thanks, Dan.”

“I couldn’t help myself, I told him that Brett and Rob asked you to the dance once they found out you were available.”

I rolled my eyes.  “I’m sure he said something like, ‘she should
go—she should move on’, right?”

He shook his head, laughing, “No, it wasn’t like that at all.  Let’s just say I definitely touched a nerve.  Mission accom
plished.”

I’m glad I had a few girls, oh, and Chris, to commiserate with.  Chris and his roommate, Denny, came with us.  Denny was pretty hilarious and I actually wound up having a few laughs tonight even though a part of me felt like I was dying inside.  I did confide everything in Chris, only because I know telling him something is like putting it into a vault.  Also, he seemed to be developing such a poor impression of Tom and I felt the need for him to understand there was a reason behind Tom’s actions.  A misguided reason, yes, but I knew that deep down Tom’s intentions were good.  I knew that cold, detached façade he presented last night was solely for the purpose of driving me away.  But even though I knew it was an act, it didn’t mean I wasn’t crushed by it.

At some point in the night I saw Tom’s number on my phone but I hit ignore; I
just couldn’t speak to him.  His text later read:

I feel sick about you not being at the dance. I

am so sorry about that Darcy.

Sorry about that
.  What did that mean?  He was sorry about jilting me the day before the dance but not about tossing me aside forever, like yesterday’s newspaper? I’m glad, even though I was beyond tipsy, that I had the sense not to write back.  God knows how nasty, let alone how misspelled, my reply would have been.

Tom

I sat on the couch watching baseball with James resting peacefully on my chest.  I looked up at the clock every once in a while and thought about what everyone would have been up to at that moment.  At six I thought Darcy was probably putting on a brave face and helping all the other girls get ready.  At seven I thought of everyone getting on the buses and her left behind.  At eight, nine, and ten I imagined everyone was drinking, dancing, and having a great time.  I would have loved to have been there with her.

Dan told me
that Darcy was going out with a few people, so I thought she was probably at a bar somewhere, unhappy.  I felt like shit.  I deserved to feel like shit. 

My mom came down at some point and sat next to me on the co
uch. “You want me to take him?”

“No, I like when he sleeps on me like this.  Anyway, he’s my responsibility.  I don’t
want this all falling on you.”  I forced a smile as I went on, “Apparently, I’m now a grown man.”

“Ok.”  She paused and then asked, “Did Dar
cy wind up going to the dance?”

“No.  I heard a few guys got wind of us breaking up and as
ked her today, but she said no.”

“Would you have preferred
if she went?”

“Yes and no.  I want Darcy to be happy but at the same time, the thought of anyone else with her...,” hurt me so much I couldn’t form the words.  “Mom, I feel terrible about what I’ve done to her.  Not just about tonight, I mean, I do keep thinking about her looking at her dress just hanging in the closet, but it’s everything.  I just fee
l like I’ve failed her again.”

“Thomas, why does it have to be all or nothing with you? Why can’t you keep her in your life if that’s where she wants to be?  She doesn’t have to be James’s sole caretaker.  You don’t have to ‘tie her down’.  Dad and I are
here to help you.”

“Why doesn’t anyone else see it my way?  Her life will change if I stay with her.  She won’t experie
nce things the way she should.”

“Oh
, Thomas, I know you think you’re doing what’s best for Darcy.  I’m just saying that maybe you don’t know what’s best for her, only she does.”

Darcy

Graduation Day.  I know I sound like a drip but at this point I just couldn’t wait for the day to be over.  Today was just going to be all sorts of awkward.  My parents were going to be thinking I was on suicide watch and Caleb and Luke…I don’t know.  I’m not sure if my parents had shared anything with them.  If they had, they were probably either going to make a show of ignoring Tom or physically go after him.  All scenarios were negative.

Luke and Kate were bringing Rebecca.  It dawned on me that Rebecca and James were born within one
week of one another.  How odd. 

As I stood in the shower, I thought to myself,
if I make it through today without crying or puking, it will be a miracle.

I took my time getting ready.  Even though I felt like I was just dragging, I was determined to look awesome today.  I wanted him to see what he was throwing away.  I laughed at my pathetic motive.  I wanted him to see me and decide he couldn’t live without me and change his mind. 

As the morning passed, I did start to forget my sorrows somewhat and I began to feel the magnitude of the day.  Graduating from college was something to really be proud of.  The diploma I’d receive today was the product of a lot of hard work and I
was
proud of myself.

By noon, everyone’s parents had stopped by and were then making their way to the stadium for the ceremony.  Rene put on a brave face.  I knew her f
amily wasn’t coming.  She had a thick skin but I knew days like this had to be hard for her.  I asked her to dinner with my family but she said she was already going with Caitlin.  I squeezed her hand and she squeezed mine back.  I needed the support to make it through today as much as she did.

I had asked Rene and Caitlin to walk with me to the stadium.  Marcus had come to get Beth already.  I knew Jenna wanted to go over with Dan and I didn’t want to risk running into Tom.  The girls purposely took a roundabout route to the stadium to make sure we wouldn’t pass his place on the way. 

As we were making our way towards the entrance, Caleb caught up to us.  He must have run to catch us because he was out of breath. “Hey, I’m glad I caught up with you before you went in.  You all excited?  It’s a big day. You all look
very
beautiful.”

Caitlin piped up, “Thanks, Caleb.  You clean up nice yourself.”

He laughed and then moved in a little closer to me. “Hey, sis, how are you doing?”

“I guess you’ve heard?”

“Yeah I heard.  I mean, holy shit.”

I laughed a little. “That was Tom’s reaction too.”

“I feel terrible for you.  I want to hate that fucker but I know he’s a good guy.”

“Yeah. 
Caleb, if it was you, would you be so adamant about me moving on?  Why can’t he let me help him?”

He looked pained.  “I don’t know.  I’m probably about the worst person to ask, Darcy.  I’m a bit of a
fuck-up in the love department.”

“Does Luke know?”

“Yeah. Dad just told us yesterday.”

“And?”

“Luke’s taking a page from my book.  He wants to shove Tom’s head through a wall.”

When he saw my worried expression, he smiled and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, he’s mellowed with fatherhood.  He won’t do anything.  He’s just angry that you’re hurt.”

We were there. “Alright, it’s time.  I better hear you hollering when they call my name.”

He kissed my forehead. “Most definitely.”

I was D and he was F so we were only separated by two rows.  I didn’t turn around to see where he was.  The thought of him behind me, looking at me, had me sha
king at first. Thankfully, Chris was only two seats away from me so I had someone to calm my nerves and make me laugh.  It was hard to concentrate on the commencement speakers but once they started calling the graduates’ names, I was only thinking about the finality of the day.  When I crossed the stage I could hear my brothers above the crowd and then Dan and the girls hollering out my name.  I think they all knew I needed the boost.  I was thankful in that moment that I had a lot of good people in my life.  Even though I was in the middle of a very rough patch, I was blessed. 

When they called Tom’s name, I
felt a lump rise in my throat.  Chris reached behind my chair and squeezed my shoulder.

When the ceremony ended I started to make my way towards the stands where my family was waiting when I
felt Tom’s hand on my shoulder. “Darcy, wait.”

I took a deep breath to steady myself and then turned to face him.  He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping well. “Congratulations, Tom.”

He took my face in his hands. “Darcy, I…”  He looked down and shook his head.

Exasperated, I said, “I know, Tom, you’re sorry.”  I moved his hands away. “If you change your mind about us, I’ll be here.  I know I sound pathetic but I don’t care.  I love you.”

I turned and left.  He didn’t come after me.  He was definitely cutting me loose and it felt like a crushing blow.

I plastered a smile on my face as I met up with my family.  And then my smile was genuine as I saw little Rebecca dressed in the most adorable outfit.  I took her right into my arms and held her close.  I needed to feel absolute love in my arms and she was it for me.  After many hugs and congratulations from them all, we made our way back to my place.  Kate and Luke walked on either side of me, each holding one of my hands.  They were all treating me like I was in full-on crisis mode.  “I saw him come over to you after the ceremony.”

“Oh, Kate, it’s such a mess.  I know he’s confused and miserable.”

Luke asked, “Where do you two stand now?”

“He’s pretty much indicated that we’re done.  He doesn’t want me ruining my life, being tied down, blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.”

“Are you coming home with us tonight? I think you should, Darcy.  Stay with us for a few days.  Rebecca seems to take your mind off your troubles.”

“Thanks, Luke.  I’m actually heading to Rhode Island for a few days with Jenna and then I’ll be back down by the end of the week.  She’s going to give me a crash course in writing lesson plans so I can get to work on them.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine.  Bio is like your native language, nerd.”

“I’m actually really excited about teaching in the fall.”

Kate hugged me. “I think it’s a great idea, Darcy.  And Prep is lucky to have you back.”

“Thanks.  Oh, and it’s only three days a week so sign me up for babysitting.  I’ll have plenty of free time on my hands.”

When we walked back into my place, it was packed with family.  Caleb was talking with Beth and Rene, Caitlin and her mother were coming downstairs with some of her stuff, and Beth’s parents were talking with mine.  Jenna, Dan and their parents had left to go out to eat already.  Just as we were getting ready to leave, Mrs. Farrell walked in the door and wrapped her arms around me. “Darcy, I just wanted to say congratulations, dear.”

I hugged her back, tight. “Thank you, Mrs. Farrell, I’m really happy to see you.”

“You looked beautiful today walking across that stage.  What an accomplishment.”

“Thank you.  Were the boys falling asleep through that hour-long commencement speaker’s speech?”

“More like yawning and complaining.”

“Oh, I just remembered.  There’s something I want to you to take with you.  Come upstairs with me for a second.”

I pulled the large box out of my closet that had the framed pictures for James.  “I got these pictures from Mrs. McDaniels.  They’re great
shots of James with his mother.  I know these will be really special to him someday.”

I had just picked them up the day before and hadn’t looked at them yet.  I took one out of its protective wrapping to see what the framer had done with them.  It was the candid close-up shot where Breanne was looking lovingly at James and he was gazing back at her.  The framer had used the larger, bla
ck and white copy, matted in an off-white, with a rustic wooden frame.  I was smiling, so pleased with it.  I turned to see Mrs. Farrell’s reaction and she was crying. “Darcy, it’s beautiful.  And you are so wonderful for doing this.  Please, do me a favor.  Don’t shut the door on you two.  Sometimes it just takes time for someone to realize what a big mistake they’re making.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just hugged her again.  Caleb knocked on the door then to tell me we were r
eady to head to the restaurant.  I wrapped the picture back up and asked Caleb to walk the heavy box to the Farrells’ car. 

When we came back downstairs everyone was gone except
for my family and Rene, who apparently had changed her mind and decided to take me up on my offer.  Mrs. Farrell looked pained seeing my parents again but they greeted her warmly.  I introduced her to my beautiful niece, whom she fussed over, and then she hugged me once more before leaving.

Lunch was better than I’d anticipated.  I was so glad Rene was there.  It kept the conversation from focusing on me and my mess of a life.  That alone was a relief. 

Tom

This day was as awful as I had predicted it would be.  I hadn’t come up before graduation because I didn’t think I’d be able to handle running into her. 

Today she was two rows in front of me, seven seats over.  She knew I had to be fairly close by but she didn’t turn around.  Not once.  She looked beautiful.  I just sat there staring at her the entire time.  I didn’t hear the speeches.  My eyes were glued to her as she made her way across the stage.  When I was up on stage I looked her way and almost lost my shit when I saw her lower her head and then watched Chris reach over to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

I practically knocked over a row of chairs to get to Darcy before she left after the ceremony. I was a wreck but she seemed calm and clear-headed.  I couldn’t even respond when she told me she loved me and told me she would wait for me.  When I didn’t answer she looked disgusted. 

I guess my mission was almost accomplished.  I didn’t even know what it was that I was trying to accomplish with her anymore. 

The rest of the guys were hanging out together tonight and then parting ways tomorrow.  I was clearing out today.  I didn’t feel much like celebrating.  I was packing stuff into the car when I saw my mother and Caleb walking towards me.  I thought I saw Caleb chuckle a little when he took in my initial reaction.  Fucker probably thought I was afraid he was going to hit me.  Truth was, I was hoping he would hit me.  Instead, he put a box into the trunk and then clapped his hand on my shoulder and looked at me sympathetically.  “How are you, man?”

He was being nice to me too? I couldn’t ta
ke it.  I just shook my head. 

Brendan ran ove
r when he saw him. “Hi, Caleb.”

“Whoa, big B.  Jeez, you look like you grew half a foot.  And Terrence, you
too.  Good to see you, my man.”

“Hi, Caleb.”

Caleb looked back to me. “Hey, where’s the little guy? I thought I’d get to meet him.”

Terrence piped up, “He’s at home with Aunt Mary.”

“So you two are uncles, huh?  Crazy, right?”

Brendan nodded, his look serious and strained again. “You could say that.”

“Gonna be great, though.  Imagine in a few years when you’re showing him how to pass the rugby ball.”

Brendan smirked, “You mean, throw the
football
?”

“No, I meant pass the
rugby
ball.”

It was the first time I saw Brendan laugh in the past week.

My mom ushered the boys back in to grab the last of my things.

“So what’s your plan, Tom?”

“I don’t know.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. Do you understand though, Caleb? I mean, I don’t want to hold her back, you know?  Being with me…it’s not fair to her.”

“No, I hear you.  You know she deferred her a
cceptances already though, right?  She took a part-time teaching gig at Prep for next year while she figures things out.  That was before everything with you went down.  You knew that, though.”

“I still don’t think that changes anything.  I want her to be like every other
twenty-one year-old.  I don’t want to burden her with some other…,” I could barely get the words out, “some other girl’s baby.  I want her to be happy.”

Caleb looked away and nodded.
“Yep.”  He looked back at me then and said, “Listen Tom, whatever happens between you two…whatever, I have no words of wisdom for you.  I just think sometimes when you think about things too much and try to plan it all out you miss out on what’s obvious and right in front of you.  But hey, I gotta get back.  If you feel like playing some rugby in the fall or if you need
anything
, I mean it, you’ve got my number, get in touch.”  With that he shook my hand and left.

That night, back home in Connecticut, I lay in my childhood bed. My life had changed so drastically in two weeks.  Two weeks ago I had the world by the balls.  I was about to graduate, had found the love of my life, and was about to spend three amazing weeks with her traveling through Europe before starting a job I was excited about.  Now I felt lost.  I was dependent upon my parents and just in over my head.