Let Me Be the One (17 page)

Darcy

I found myself driving towards Mrs. McDaniels’s house on my way back to campus.  She smiled warmly when she answered the door. “Sweetheart, come on in.  I want to thank you for calling me every day.  Without you checking in I think I would have lost my mind.  Your Thomas seemed like he was a bit overwhelmed.”

“Oh, he’s doing just fine,” I lied.  “His parents are just getting home today so they’ll be there with him.  They’re a great family.  Really, Jame
s couldn’t be in better hands.”

“I’m so relieved to hear you say that.  I’ve been feeling so much weaker since Breanne’s accident.  I would not have been able to care for that sweet little angel.”  She took both of my hands into her frail ones. “This has to have been a terrible shock fo
r you, dear.”

“Yeah, you could say that.  I feel so bad for you
, though, about Breanne.  My mother died in a car accident.  It’s such a sudden, horrific way to lose someone.”

“Oh, dear, I’m sorry.”

“It’s actually why I’m here.  I wanted to take the pictures of Breanne that you can bear to part with.  I want James to have some idea of the person his mother was.  I was young when my mom died and I really cherish the images in those pictures of her holding me.”

“Of co
urse, that’s a wonderful idea.”

Mrs. McDaniels gave me several pictures of Breanne and James together and also several of Breanne as a child.  One picture that stood out was a terrific candid of Breanne holding James up to her fac
e, practically touching noses.  She had the most contented, loving smile on her face.  My heart felt a slight tinge of jealousy but mostly I felt wistful and sad; she was a beautiful girl and it was terrible that she was taken so young.  “Thank you, these are great.”

As I got ready to leave, Mrs. McDaniels clasped my hand again.  “I truly hope that you are in James’s life too, Darcy.  You are a mothe
r at heart, not all women are.”

I tried not to cry but it was useless.  The tears came because I knew in my heart that being a part of James’s life wasn’t likely.  I got the distinct impression that Tom was el
iminating me from the equation.

After leaving her I didn’t go straight to the dorms.  I went to a photo lab and had duplicates and enlargements made.  I planned on finding a framer to matte and frame the pictures in a way that would make them impervious to moisture, sunlight, and the fading power of time.  Thinking of James as an older boy, I kn
ew he would need to see—to know—his mother.  These had to last.

I was wiped by the time I walked back towards my place.  In the Village, people were basically going wild.  You could barely walk five feet without tripping over a keg.  There were footballs being thrown, beer pong tables set up outside, barbeques fired up, and shots being passed around.  Jenna spotted me and approached cautiously. “Hey, you ok? I’ve been so worried about you.”

“I don’t think I’m
ok, no.  Did Dan fill you in?”

“Yes
.  Never a dull moment, right?”

I couldn’t help but laugh then and Jenna pulled me along.  “Darcy, come on, let’s go do one shot together to toast the crazy,
fucked-up year we’ve both had.”

Well, one turned into at least four and I was definitely feeling no pain as we made our way back to our place again.  As I went to go curl up in bed I checked my phone again.  Not one phone call or text from To
m since I’d left this morning.

Excellent.

Tom

If breaking the news to my parents wasn’t bad enough, I still had to tell Brendan and Terrence.  They came bounding in the door, excited to see my parents after staying at my aunt and uncle’s for ten days, right in the
middle of a full-on crying fit as I tried to change James’s diaper after he dropped a load.  My mother wanted to jump in and take over but I insisted on doing it.  I was making a mess of it too.  Terrence, so innocent, came right over and started babbling to James in an effort to calm him.  Brendan, on the other hand, instinctively knew something was not right with this picture.  “Whose is that?”

“Hey B, what’
s up? I’ll be right with you.”

I looked to my mom with what was probably a pained expression, and she took over with James. “Hey, Bre
ndan, Terrence, sit down.”  I took a deep breath and forced a smile. “I know this is totally weird but this baby is mine.  His name is James.  And that makes you both uncles.”

Brendan was getting so old.  He hung his head and look
ed unhappy.  He knew the score.  Terrence looked confused.  “He’s
your
baby, Tom? Since when?”

“U
h, Terrence, it’s complicated.  I didn’t know about James until last week.”

Brendan broke in, anger barely contained in his voice, “Is it
going to live here, with us?”

With that, my mom breezed in and stated things in a way that ensured there would be no follow-up question from Brendan, “Of course he
is, he’s part of our family.”

Terrence was smiling but Brendan was looking at me with a mixture of disappointment and fury.  He
took off upstairs, went into his room and slammed the door.  I followed him up and walked in after I knocked.  “Hey, Brendan, I know this is tough.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around this.  I’m sorry.”

He was sitting on his bed, facing the wall, shaking his head. “I just don’t understand.  Is this Darcy’s ba
by or just some random girl’s?”

Shit. “James isn’t Darcy’s.  The girl is someone from my past and it’s a long story but her family contacted me after…after s
he had an accident.  She died.”

He turned to me, eyes wide for a moment, and then he looked pensiv
e again. “Is Darcy mad at you?”

“No, Darcy has been really unders
tanding about the whole thing.”

He was softening a little. “Wher
e is she?”

“She went back to school last night, Brendan.  There’s a lot going on this week before graduation.
I didn’t want her to miss it.”

“You should proba
bly be extra nice to her, Tom.”

I knew that the boys—my entire family for that ma
tter—were going to feel the loss of her.  I managed a smile although I didn’t feel the least bit happy.  “Yeah, I know that buddy.  Now come on back down, you need some practice changing dirty diapers.”

Darcy

I was surprised when Tom’s mom picked up on his cell. “Darcy?”

“Hello?”

“Darcy, it’s Clare.  Tom is out for a run with his father.  I’m glad you called.  How are you, sweetheart?”

“I’m alright.  How’s Tom?”

Her pain was unmistakable as she answered, “A bit of a mess.”

“And how are you? 
I mean, you came home to a shock.”

“Yes.  It certainly was.  I haven’t had a baby in
the house for quite some time.”

“He’s
so adorable though, isn’t he?”

“Yes, I was totally in
love the moment I held James.”

I laughed,
remembering the feeling, the happy warmth of holding him.  “I know, me too.”

“Darcy, I…I don’t know what’s happening between you two.  I imag
ine things are very difficult.”

“Tom doesn’t want me there an
d he hasn’t called.  It hurts.”

“Dear, just give it time.”

“I know.  I was calling because I have to bring his truck back.  I’ll have Dan follow me there later on today and then he’ll drive me back to school.  He told Dan about James, so I figured that would be ok with Tom.”

“I’ll tel
l him to call you back, Darcy.”

I knew he wouldn’t but what could I say? “Ok.”

“Darcy? We all love you, sweetheart.”

My voice cracked, “Thank you.”

I did need to return the truck but I had really broken down and called him because tomorrow was the dance.  I mean, I knew everything had totally changed in the last week but had he totally forgotten about it?  Forgotten about me?

A few hours later Dan came
by. “Hey, I just spoke to Tom.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Huh?”

I was choking back tears
—again.  “Nothing.  It’s just that he’s calling you and not me.”

He winced. “Oh.”

“What did he say, Dan?”

“He asked me to grab the keys and have Ben follow me in my car.  He just doesn’t want you to have to leave school ag
ain during Senior Week, Darcy.”

I’d had it. “No.  You’re not getting the keys.  Tell Tom if he wants his truck he can have the
decency to call me.  Fuck him.”

“Shit, Darce, I’m so sorry.”

“Why is he doing this?”

“I don’t know. 
He loves you, Darcy.  Maybe so much that he doesn’t want you stuck with him and the baby.  I know he feels like if you stay with him you’re giving up everything in life.  He feels like a baby will be a burden on you.”

“This isn’t love, Dan.  Every time something goes wro
ng he cuts me out of his life.”

“Darcy, I don’t know much but I know he loves you.”

I didn’t know what to think anymore but I knew that I needed to talk to him face-to-face. “You can have Ben follow you but I’m coming along.”

Dan nodded. “Uh, ok. Yeah, I think you should come, Darce.

Tom

I came in through the garage and was heading upstairs to get a drink after my run.  I was doing a lot of running this week; in fact, this was my second one today.  Just trying to clear my head, thinking of every possible scenario, every possible plan.  It was also a way to physically punish myself.  I knew I was making Darcy hurt and in a way, I felt I also needed to hurt.  After my runs I usually hit the heavy bag with so much force that the gloves didn’t do anything to protect my hands.  I did sit ups until I couldn’t breathe and there was a part of me that had this recurring desire for someone to hit me—punch me right in the face.  I was being a bastard to her and I knew I was going to keep it up.  She was better off without me and that was the simple truth.

I stopped cold half-way up the stairs when I heard her voice, laughing with Terrence.  Then I heard Terrence ask her if James was her baby—ouch—followed by Brendan
screaming
at Terrence, “Are you a goddamn idiot?”

She said, so soothingly, “Brendan, it’s
ok
.  No, Terrence, James isn’t my baby but I do think he’s just about the cutest baby boy on the planet.”

I heard Ben chime in, “He is pretty cute, smells like he needs a
diaper change, but he’s cute.”

Dan saw me
stopped on the stairs.  “Tom?”

I guess I had to face them.  I put on a phony, cheerful voice. “Hey! See you’ve met the little guy.”

I went over and hugged Darcy from behind as she was right at it, changing James’s diaper.  I didn’t go for the more intimate, arms wrapped tight around the torso, right under her breasts like I used to.  No, I kept it chaste, stiffly wrapping my arms around the outside of her arms, which was awkward; even more so as she was in the middle of a diaper change.  “I’m glad you’re here.”

She hissed so only I
could hear, “The fuck you are.”

Sweet Darcy was gone, replaced by s
tubborn, hostile Darcy.

With that, my mom and dad came down the stairs and greeted the three of them like they were never so happy to see my friends.  My mother held Darcy close, her hug p
robably meant to convey so much:
sorry my son is such a fuck-up and I’m sorry you’ll never be my daughter-in-law.

Dan laid into me, “Have you been up for all the mi
dnight feedings, bro? You look like crap.  When’s the last time you shaved?”

“Ha-ha. Thanks.”

Dan moved in closer and when we were out of earshot he said, “I couldn’t keep her from coming, Tom.  Please talk to her, she’s so goddamn sad.”

“I can’t make this better, Dan.”

He looked at me, stunned. “But you don’t have to fucking abandon her.  Jesus, Tom, you’ve completely cut yourself off from her.  I’m not the most sensitive guy in the world and even I see how
wrong
this is.”

I wasn’t good at this.  I couldn’t tell her everything I felt.  I couldn’t tell her that while I’d like her to marry me so the three of us could be a family right now, I would never do
that to her.  Even I wasn’t that selfish.

I couldn’t see any other way.  I was convinced that cutting her loose, even though she’d hate me now, was what was best for her in the long run.