Let Me Be the One (20 page)

She moved towards me and slowly pressed herself against me as she parted her lips and kissed me.  My hands stayed by my side for a minute before they went to her waist and pulled her closer against me.  I was lonely and I was horny as hell.  I let my hands run over her ass as she kissed me aggressively.  I wanted to fuck her, I wanted the release.  In that moment, though, something clicked.  I knew if I went through with it
, then I was no better than the guy I had been before, using and discarding women as I pleased.  I loved Darcy.  I couldn’t do this.  I pulled away, kind of breathless because—shit—this was hard to do. “I’m sorry.  I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”  She looked shame-faced.  “Hey Samantha, it’s on me.  You’re beautiful.  I’m just in the middle of a lot of things and I can’t do this.  It’s not a good idea for you and I’m not someone, co-worker or not, that you should be involved with.”

“Tom, I kn
ow guys and you’re a good guy.”

I shook my head. “No. I come with a big pile o’ ba
ggage, Sam, believe me.” 

She sighed. “I don’t believe that but I guess you’re right
.  This isn’t a good idea for me.” As she got dressed she asked, “Is my momentary lapse of reason safe with you?”

I made a motion to
zip my lips.  “Goodnight, Sam.”

Good guy my ass.  I had failed or nearly failed every barometer of “good guy” that had been thrown
my way over the past two years.

How
did
I see this playing out?  Eventually my hormones were going to get the best of me.  I wasn’t a monk, that’s for sure.  And eventually, without Darcy, I would find myself drawn to someone else and so would she.  Would someone else ever make me truly happy the way she did?  Would some other man treat her right?  The thought of Darcy being with someone else felt like my heart being torn from my chest. 

My thoughts flashed back to Graduation Day.  Every time I saw Chris nudge her playfully or say something to her that made her laugh I wanted to charge at him and beat him senseless.  But I knew I had no right.  I was treating her
the way a cold-hearted bastard would while he was showing her kindness when she needed it. 

I knew there would never be a shortage of men who would want to b
e the center of her universe. 

I was back home Friday morning by ten.  I had the weekend to myself and then I officially reported to my office on Wall Street Monday, August fourth, by seven sharp. 

As soon as I walked in the door I went to James, picked him up
and held him close.  I had missed this little guy so much.  While I was in Chicago, I started to realize that this was all for him.  Now it wasn’t just my ambition but the duty I had to provide a good life for him. And that’s what I needed to do; I needed to focus on rising up through the ranks through hard work and unfortunately, what I knew would be some long hours. 

I caught up with everyone at home, hearing about the million adorable things J
ames did while I was gone.  Mom had filled me in on her visit with Mrs. McDaniels.  My mom said she would bring James up at least every other week, which was great, since I’d be swamped once I started next week.  My dad had taken the day off so that he could hear all about my trip.  He and I went for a slow, long run and I told him about many—not all—of my experiences over the past two weeks and I also got to ask the seasoned pro a lot of questions. 

As James was taking a nap that afternoon I was res
tless and started to arrange my suits, shirts, and ties for next week.  I must have been a little anxious about work because I was never very concerned about my fashion choices.  I nearly tripped over a really large box on the floor of my walk-in closet.  When I took it out I thought my mom had stored something in there that wasn’t mine.  I went ahead and undid the wrapping on a smaller box inside that looked as if it had already been opened. 

What I saw blew me away.

I peeled the tissue paper off of a frame that held a picture of James looking up at his mother and her looking down at him, clearly in love with her infant.  It must have been taken when he was only a few weeks old.  He looked so much bigger, so different now.  It was a beautiful picture but sadly, I felt no connection to the girl.  I only felt sorry that a young life was cut so short and that James would never know a person who obviously loved him so much.  I unwrapped the other frames and I think I’d been sitting there a while just staring at the pictures when my mother walked in. “Isn’t that a beautiful picture?  Oh, you unwrapped them all.  Let me see them, I haven’t had a chance to look at the others yet.”

“Where did you get them
?”

She took a deep breath. “Darcy got the pictures from Mrs. McDaniels and had them professionally matted and framed.  That was the box Caleb was carr
ying for me on Graduation Day.”

I
laid the picture back onto the bed, hung my head and rubbed my hands over my face.  What was I doing?  I think all I’d succeeded at was making myself miserable and hurting Darcy in the cruelest way possible.  “Mom, you mind keeping James while I take care of something?”

“Sure.”

I had to text Caleb to find out where Darcy was.  I didn’t want to talk to her on the phone.  I needed to see her in person. I didn’t know if what I was doing was right but I knew that I owed her my honesty. I owed her a lot more than what I’d given her—cutting her off without any real sort of explanation.  I was already in the car heading south when Caleb let me know she was at the beach.  I really didn’t know what I was going to say to her.  I just wanted to tell her that I needed her in my life if she’d still have me—but on her terms.   I still didn’t want her to feel burdened by any of my stuff. 

When I got to the house, only Sarah was there.  She looked a little puzzled when she saw me.  “Tom? It’s so good to see you.
  Does Darcy know you’re here?”

“Uh, no actually, she
doesn’t know.  Is she around?”

“She just walked down to the shore with Rebecca.  Go ahead, Tom.  I kn
ow she’ll be happy to see you.”

I hugged her.  “Thanks Sarah.”

When I hit the sand I saw her.  Cute floppy straw hat, long golden wavy hair and a killer white bikini.  She was holding Rebecca in her arms pointing to the birds waddling along the shore.  When I was halfway down the beach I slowed my pace as two guys jogging by in bright red board shorts, must have been lifeguard friends of hers, stopped and talked to her for a few minutes.  I hung back and waited.   One of them was falling all over her.  I really couldn’t blame him—she was like a goddamn vision.  I chuckled to myself as they started up again and the one guy nearly tripped looking over his shoulder trying to get another look at her.

She turned to face me when I was about two feet from her.
She looked wary.  “I just had the weirdest feeling that you were here.”

I looked down and shoved my hands into my shorts pockets. “Yeah, I’m finally here.”  Then I looked back up at her.  Her blue eyes
now looked trusting and expectant.  “Darcy, I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through.  You know I’ve loved you and missed you every day we were apart.  I just felt—I still feel guilty.  Like being with me has to be a burden.  But I’ve gone about this all wrong.  I
never
wanted to hurt you.”  I was trying to fight past the lump in my throat.  “Did you mean what you said about waiting for me to stop being a dumb ass?”

She smiled a li
ttle. “Yes, I’m still waiting.”

I laughed nervously as Rebecca got a death grip on Darcy’s bikini top and was trying to pull it down.  I gave Rebecca my keys to distract her, one of the many new tricks I’d learned.  I moved in closer to Darcy and put one hand on her lower back.  Being near her, touching her, it felt like electricity was c
oursing through my body again.  “Darcy, if you can ever forgive me, I’ll accept any way that you’ll be in my life.  I need you but I still don’t want you to take me on if I’m going to hold you back in any way.”

She put one hand on my chest to stop me from tal
king. “Tom, promise me you’ll never say that again.  I mean it.  James could never be a burden on me.  He’s a part of you.  If I’m with you, then it’s all of you.  It’s you, me,
and
James.  Ok?”

I nodded and kissed her head.  I had never felt this grateful for anything before in my life.

She pushed me away gently then and looked up at me with a steely, determined gaze.  “And you can’t do that to me anymore.  You can’t pull the silent treatment and push me away when things go wrong.  You can’t do that to me again, Tom.”

She was right.  I did repeat the same shitty pattern.  First when things went so wrong with Liz and then now, with James.  I would not do that again.  “You’re right, Darcy.  I promise y
ou I won’t ever do that again.”

She still had Rebecca in one arm as she buried her head into my chest and started
to cry. “I missed you so much.”

Her tears ripped a hole in my heart.  “I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you, Darcy.  I don’t know what I ever di
d to deserve you.  I love you.”

She might have been hugging me and telling me she missed me but I knew I had a long road ahead of me.  There was so much sadness in her eyes and there was also anger that I well deserved.

Darcy

That day he came back to me I was happy, relieved, and angry all rolled into one.  He knew it and he understood.  It took hours, days, the better part of the month of August, just talking.  Pretty much every weekend that remained in the summer he drove down to see me at the beach every Saturday and Sunday with James, driving back home each night. 

After a few weeks he asked me to come back home with him to Connecticut one Friday night, which I did.   I was so happy to see his mother that I nearly bawled like a baby when she held me in a tight hug.  That night, Tom crept into his room wordless, and slid beneath the sheets with me.   His hands felt like they were burning my skin as he touched me.   As his tongue caressed the inside of my mouth and his hands moved softly across my breasts, smoothing over my hips and then back up to my face again, I couldn’t help but weep; it felt so good to be with him again.  When he realized I was crying he whispered, pained, “Darce, I’m sor
ry.  I’ll stop.  Are you ok?”

“Don’t stop, Tom. 
I just…I’ve missed us.”

“Darcy,” he closed his eyes tight as he rested his for
ehead against mine, “I love you so damn much.  You deserve better than me.”

“Don’t say that.  I love you, Tom. Just touch me, please.”  He ran his hands over me gently and then kissed me hungrily as he guided himself into me.  The feeling of him filling me had me holding back the tears again that threatened to burst free from me.  I loved him and I loved the way he felt inside of me.  I had never wanted, and I knew I’d never want, anyone but him. 
e held me after

He held me tight to his body afterwards and I could feel his body shaking as he was gripped with emotion too.  He whispered, “Darcy, it’s you and me.  I’ll love you forever.”

The year teaching flew by.  By February, I knew I’d found my calling.  Instead of medical school I was appl
ying for master’s programs in secondary education.  I knew the course work could be stretched out over several years and I could squeeze in summer program classes here and there.  And after the AP exam results were back in the spring, I felt validated, as my students had made impressive gains over past years’ classes.  The headmaster asked if I might be willing to move to full-time but I wanted to keep my same schedule for another year.

Our routine had become pretty comfortable.
  Crazy, but it worked for us. I worked Tuesday through Thursday.  Thursdays nights after work I met Tom for dinner and drinks; sometimes with coworkers, sometimes just the two of us.  We would head back up on the Metro North late Thursday and then Friday morning after Tom caught the train into the city with his dad, I would give Mrs. Farrell a break by taking over with James.  The Farrells had converted the downstairs study into a bedroom for me.  I didn’t stay in Tom’s room.  I’m not saying his parents didn’t know—and turned a blind eye—when Tom snuck down to me in the middle of the night.  I admit, not sleeping together at night was so awful that I lived for those nights when I heard him pad down the stairs to be with me.  We were totally discreet though, for Brendan’s and Terrence’s sakes. 

I felt so happy spending those weekends with his family. 
In the fall we would take James and go watch Brendan’s football games, take long walks, go to the park, or shop; all the things young couples did with their baby.  In the winter we would mostly just hang out at home with James.  Some Fridays I would bring James back down to the city and we would stay with my family for the weekend.  I never for a minute felt like I was missing out on anything.  Both the Farrells and my parents would push us out the door to meet up with friends whenever we had plans but we were careful to make sure the weekends were about James.  Tom especially felt that way because his work days could be so long; James was usually sound asleep by the time Tom got home on the train.

I was glad that I was off for almost three weeks at Christmas and was able to give Mrs. Farrell a real break.  After Christmas Eve at my house, we spent Christmas Day with Tom’s family.  James’s first Christmas was great.  I mean, he was only ten months old but we all felt like he was getting into ripping the paper off the toys.  Everyone overdid it for James and also for Rebecca.  There was no way they could play with half of the toys they were given.   The day after Christmas I flew down with James to Puerto Rico and stayed there
with my family for two weeks.  My parents, Kate, Luke, and Rebecca stayed the entire two weeks too.  As far as I was concerned, James was my child in every way.  I loved him completely. 

Tom couldn’t come down for the trip.  He was doing great at work but he was new so time off wasn’t an option.  That was alright with me.  He really seemed to love his work and from the way his co-workers deferred to him, I gathered th
at he was good at what he did.

In the spring, Tom felt established enough to start looking for an apartment to rent in Manhattan.  We stayed in the city most of those weekends apartment hunting.  We settled on a great two bedroom in Battery Park City, near the financial district, with a lease that would start in July.  It wasn’t cheap but Tom was doing well.  I was excited because this meant Tom and I could have a little more privacy.  I knew I’d be taking a
dvantage of James’s nap times and Tom was definitely thinking the same thing. 

Once school let out I was
as free as a bird.  I opted against taking summer classes this year so that I could care for James.  Tom and I were still between his parents’ house, my parents’ house, and the new apartment, which I was helping Tom fix up and furnish.  Decorating James’s room was a labor of love.  I painted it myself, picked out the furniture, and decorated with a sports-based theme, as per Uncle Brendan’s and Uncle Terrence’s orders.  On the main wall I made a gallery with the large picture of Breanne and James in the center flanked by pictures of James with Tom and I, James with Tom’s parents, James with Brendan and Terrence, my parents, a really cute one of him and Rebecca laughing on the beach in Puerto Rico, one of Mrs. McDaniels holding him on her lap before she passed, and one of James in his first Christmas candy-cane-striped pajamas.  I also enlarged a childhood picture of Tom, Charlie, Brendan, and Terrence.  It was the one I loved of them standing in size order on the beach.  I was pretty happy with how it turned out.  When Tom saw all the pictures, he looked a little overcome and wiped at tears that were threatening.  He told me again how blessed he was to have me in his life.  I felt the same way about him.