Let Me Be the One (11 page)

Darcy

Now it was upon me.  Schools would be sending out their decision letters in a few weeks and I was re-taking my MCATs unsure of whether or not I would be re-applying to other schools for the following year o
r trying to defer acceptances.

My father’s advice was echoing in my mind and E
mma, the intern who had come and spent my last Sunday over winter break at home with us, hadn’t done anything to set me back on my path.  Overhearing her speak to my dad about the pressure she was under was disheartening.

For as long as I could remember
I had wanted to work with kids.  My father was such an influence on me that I thought being a pediatrician or a pediatric oncologist was my calling.  Now, when the biggest decision of my life was at my doorstep, I was feeling so uncertain. 

What I was certain about was that I couldn’t imagine being away from Tom.  When I was with him I didn’t spend so much time over-thinking everything.  I was
just in the moment and happy. 

The first weekend everyone was back Caitlin and Beth helped me make a big Italian dinner and we invited a bunch of people over.  Tom and all his roommates came, Chris, Mac, Tanner, Cara and some of her housemates also.  I think we were all starting to realize this was our last semester, the last few months that we’d be in this nice bubble together. 

I saw Rene huddled in a corner with Tanner towards the end of the night.  He looked totally into her but she had a faraway look.  She had been acting a little weird since Puerto Rico and I really hoped it wasn’t because of what I thought I’d walked in on between her and Caleb. It could have been totally innocent and I could have been imagining it all but I had the feeling that something had gone down between them.  If so, I felt bad for Rene.  My brother was a great guy, I absolutely adored him, but he was no hopeless romantic and I think he left a lot of heart
ache in his wake. 

The only other thing off lately was Jenna
’s mood.  She spent the last two weeks of the Christmas break at home and since coming back to school she was quiet, going into her room and closing the door a lot.  She stopped meeting up with us for lunch altogether.  When I asked Dan what was up he didn’t seem to have noticed and just figured she had a lot to do.  Jenna was student teaching and juggling her classes; I knew she was busy but I also knew something was up. 

I got up to use the bathroom one night and heard her crying through the paper thin walls.  I knocked softly and walked in to see her curled up on her bed, eyes red from crying.  “Jenna, wh
at’s going on? Please tell me.”

Sh
e looked up, “Just you and me?”

That’s what we said to each other, short-hand for:
you tell no one else
.  When I nodded she choked out the words, “I’m pregnant.”

I fell back, speechless for a second, and then said t
he stupidest thing ever, “How?”

She was quiet for a second, she was choking back tears.  “I
do
take my pill every day… I mean, I was careless.  A few times when I stayed over at Dan’s I guess I didn’t remember to take it when I got back.  My routine is that I take it first thing when I wake up.”  She shook her head as she cried, “I can’t tell him, Darcy.  I feel like I’ve ruined his life.”

“Don’t worry about that now,
Jenna.  Do you know for sure?”

She rested her head back and looked up at
the ceiling, “Yeah, I’m sure.  I rode the train for an hour so that I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew in a pharmacy.  I bought four different tests.  I almost lost it in there because the cashier was some really sweet older woman and she looked like she wanted to lean over the counter and hug me.”  She let out a few sobs.  “I took them in the ladies’ room at Nordstroms.”  She barked out a laugh. “You
are
right, those are the nicest bathrooms.  Anyway, that plus sign came up within five seconds on each one.  But I knew it before that.  I feel so exhausted, my tits are painfully tender, and I’m craving egg sandwiches for breakfast.  I never eat those, I think they’re gross.”  She looked up at me. “What am I going to do, Darcy?”

I took her hands in mine, “I’m here with you.  We’ll get through this.  Take a few days to think it through and then we’ll go on from there.  I mean, soon you’ll have to go see a doctor to get vitamins and make sure everything is ok but you don’t have to do that today.”  I shouldn’t have said that because that brought on a new round of sobs.  “Jenna, I’m sorry.  Don’t think about any of that.  There’s plenty of time for that.  I will be here for you day and night, ok?  And you tell Dan when you
’re ready.  I love you, Jenna.”

She and I hugged for the longest time and I didn’t leave her room until she drifted off to sleep.  Truthfully, I was as scared as she was.  I
sat there bewildered—I couldn’t believe that I’d heard the same news from Jenna and Kate but the circumstances could not have been more different.

The next two weeks were rough.   Jenna would not tell Dan and she still didn’t want to make it
real
by going to the doctor.  I was so worried about her. 

When Dan came to me one day and practically cried asking what had come over her, I couldn’t say a word.  I was shutting Tom out too.  I was ducking out of ever
ything early, if I even showed at all, and when we were together I know I must have seemed faraway and fidgety.

Tom looked pained one afternoon when he ran into me after I missed yet another lunch. “Darcy, what is going on with you? If it’s me...,” he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away from me, “If it’s me
, Darcy, just tell me.”

I was running on so little sleep and I was choking back tears, “Tom, no, this has
nothing
to do with you.  I just need a little time.”

He shook his head and looked down, “I gotta say, I just don’t get it.  What could be going on that’s making you avoid me like the plague?  And since when can’
t you talk to me about things?”

I was miserable. “I’m not avoiding you.  I just can’t talk about it.  Please, just be patient with me?”

He picked up his backpack and wouldn’t meet my eyes, “I’m trying, Darce.  I gotta head to class.  I have an exam.”

I spent that whole night going ov
er the same things with Jenna.  I was getting impatient.  I knew Dan would man up.  He absolutely adored her.  But I was more worried that she wasn’t getting any medical care.  It was so frustrating. 

The next day I knew I had to see Tom.  I needed to reassure him.  I walked into the Commons and saw Caitlyn, Rene, Ben, Dan, Chris, Mac, and Tom.  My stomach dropped as I saw,
sitting next to Tom, Liz and another girl chatting him up.  Right past them was Morgan.  He was smiling and laughing.  The laughter wasn’t subtle or polite, it was the kind of laughter where your whole body shook and your smile was ear-to-ear.  He was obviously enjoying their company.  I tried to swallow but my throat was bone dry.  I thought about going over but I couldn’t.  I thought I was going to be sick.

And I was angry.

Guess ur not that patient.

After I fired off that text I turned my phone off imm
ediately, went home, laced up my sneakers, and ran.

He caught up with me the next day as I was making my way across the quad like a zombie.  It had been another sleepless night with Jenna.  He grabbed my arm and spun me to face him. 
What the hell? 
He looked pissed.
“You guess I’m not patient?  You write some shit like that and then disappear and won’t take my calls?  What the hell is up with you lately?”

I felt beaten down, exhausted, and so sad.  And then, just like the bad penny she was, Liz literally
bounced herself in between us.  “Hey!”  She looked to me and then Tom and then in an uber-fake, sweet, pleading voice said, “Sorry, hope I’m not interrupting anything.  I just wanted to tell you we’re having a party Saturday.  You both
have
to come.”

I knew she was just
loving
the obvious discord between me and Tom.

Tom kept his gaze on me and said, “Ca
n’t, Liz, I have a rugby thing.”

She was so annoying.  She just kept at it, playfully po
king Tom in the chest, no less.  “Well then our party is going to be rescheduled because I’m
not
doing it if you’re not there!”

He broke his gaze on me for a second and gave her a fa
int smile. “Yeah, alright, Liz.”

I felt like I was in some grotesque alternate reality.  Was he really engaging in a conversation with her about parties while he and I were practically imploding? I felt like he was showing Liz more warmth and affection than he was me.  I began to burn.  This was Liz, the girl who had been planting the ugliest seeds of doubt in my head all year long.  In the ensuing silence when the moment got, if possible, even more awkward, Liz
chirped, “Okay, see you guys!”

I couldn’t believe it.  Tom was looking at me
now like he was mad…at
me
? “Well, Darcy?”

I was downright disgusted.  “For someone who’s inte
lligent, you’re pretty stupid.  I don’t know what else to say to you, Tom.”

It was a pretty lame comeback but I was just worn down
and so, so tired—of everything.  I turned and walked away and he didn’t follow me.

How had everything changed?

The rest of the day was a blur.  Yes, I knew that I had played a major part in how this all went down but I was pissed at him.  Things are a little rough for less than three weeks and he can’t hang in?  He’s looking friendlier and friendlier with Morgan and her friends?  I felt so confused.  I knew he loved me.  A few short weeks ago we were blissfully happy.  But why did I also have the nagging feeling that Tom could turn his back on me so easily? 

I barely got through the rest of my classes that day.  Got handed
back a C-minus on an organic chem test.  Day was getting better and better.  I practically face planted onto my bed and cried before falling asleep at like nine o’clock.

My phone woke me up in the middle of the night.  I grabbed for it.  I was ho
ping there was a text from Tom.

Plz get in here quick

I ran into Jenna’s room to find her pressed up into a corner of her bed with blood on the sheets.  She was a white as a ghost.  “Oh my God, Jenna, let me call Dan.”

She practically hissed, “No!”

I was crying by then but I knew I had to snap out of it and take care of her.  I grabbed sweats, clean underwear, and then grabbed a pad out of the bathroom.  I practically had to dress her.  She was almost catatonic.  I walked her down the stairs, took Beth’s keys, and drove us straight to St. Anne’s ER, which was about fifteen minutes away.  I saw it was two-thirty when we walked in there and, thankfully, the waiting room was empty.  I filled out the paperwork and handed over my credit card so that we wouldn’t have to give her parents’ insurance information.  They took us right in but the doctor asked me to step outside during the examination.  She had bled through everything.  I was frantic.

I called Dan.  I knew Jenna might be furious with me but I needed him here.  I couldn’t shoulder this alone anymore.  Of course, he doesn’t answer the phone.  I rang Tom, cringing.  When he answered his voice was sleepy
but icy cool, detached. “Hey.”

“I’m sorry to wake you, Tom.  Can you put Dan on
the phone? He’s not answering.”

More ice mixed with scorn, “You want
Dan
?”

“Please
, Tom, I don’t have time to get into it with you.”

“You gotta b
e kidding me.  Fuck it.  Fine.”

I wanted to fall into his arms crying
and slap him at the same time.

“What’s up
, Darce, is everything ok?”

“Dan, I’m at St. Anne’s with Jenna.  You
’ve got to get down here.  But don’t tell anyone where you’re going, ok?”

Panic rose in his voic
e, “What the fuck is going on?”

“Just get here
, Dan, ok?  She’s going to be alright.”
I think.

The nurse called me in a bit later as the doctor was talking to Jenna.  He explained she’d had a miscarriage.  She was probably nine weeks along from what he could estimate.  Jenna cried silently, tears were just streaming down her face.  She squeezed my hand and kind of half-croaked, half-whispered, “Ask him.  Ask him if I made this—”

“Doctor, she wants to know if this happened because she didn’t
get prenatal care soon enough.”

He was kind and fatherly.  “No dear. 
That had nothing to do with it.  It’s not as uncommon as you would think.  And it should have no bearing on whether or not you’ll be able to conceive in the future.”

Jenna squee
zed her eyes shut and nodded. 

As the doctor was finishing up, talking to her about setting up a follow-up appointment and birth control options, I looked up to see Da
n leaning against the doorway.  He had tears streaming down his face.  When I saw him I started crying too.  I squeezed Jenna’s hand and kissed it as he walked over.  I got off the bed and Dan took my place.  He wrapped her up in his arms and kissed the top of her head as they both cried together.