Just Breathe (2 page)

I put up a good show for everyone; they think I’m in the “got over him” phase. But, truthfully, my heart is still broken and I can’t believe it happened.

For three years we were the couple everyone wanted to be or envied. We started dating in ninth grade when it was “cute”.  Then, we weren’t cute anymore, we were serious.

This year, our senior year, we were going to be the leaders of the school. The plan for college next year was to apply to the same colleges and go together.

Now it’s all gone and I feel completely lost. It feels like I’m drowning and I can’t catch my breath. That pretty much describes my days lately.  I go through the motions but can’t seem react or feel because of “him”

I have the hardest time when I see him at school.

I put up a good show at school, as if it doesn’t bother me, especially around Michael. He doesn’t seem bothered at all, but I guess that is to be expected, since he is the one who did the heartbreaking.

My best friend Gabbi is the only one who knows how I truly feel, miserable.

***

As I step out of the shower today, I realize as I look in the mirror at my average reflection, maybe just maybe I can get through this whole thing. My light green eyes look a little more alive today. Glancing at the speckling of freckles across my nose, reminds me that Michael used to tell me they make me look like the girl next door.
Crap, not a good thought to encourage moving on
.

I turn to get ready for the morning. My wardrobe is pretty colorless these days, a pair of jeans and a navy t-shirt are sufficient, I decide. I opt for a braid with my lack of enthusiasm to make any attempts at my appearance.

“Ever! James!” My mom calls up the stairs.

I yell back down, “Coming.”

As I approach the steps, a quick glance into my brother’s room reveals he is still wrapped up in his sheet like a mummy, typical.

“Hey, James, it’s seven.”

Moaning, “Ooooohhh, go away.”

Whatever. Not my job to keep track of him. My mom and dad look up as I enter the kitchen.

“Hi, you look nice today,” my mother’s daily attempt at lifting my mood.

A smile plays on my lips, “Thanks, feeling alright today,” my daily attempt at avoiding conversation.

I grab a glass of juice and a banana, “Have a great day.”

My dad glances up from the newspaper, “You too, learn a lot today.”

My jeep revs to life. Placing my hands on the steering wheel I tell myself,
You can do this, Ever. Everyday has been a little easier than the last. Today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.

***

When I arrive at school, Gabbi is frantic with new gossip. This is really not a new occurrence; she has to always know who is doing what with whom. You could say Gabbi is the eyes and ears of our lovely high school here in Pahrump, Nevada. She is the one to go to if you need any dirt on anyone, hence the appropriateness of her name, She loves to talk. 

I guess the benefit of being her best friend is that I am always in the know about everyone. But really, I could care less unless it involves Michael.

Well, today it did and it was not news I was happy to hear.

I am walking to my first class about to turn the corner and Gabbi just about plows me over at the corner. She is out of breath. She snatches my hand and pulls me toward the center of the court yard.

I pull in the other direction and tell her, “Gabbi, we’re going to be late for our first class. Remember, that is the one class that I cannot be late for because Michael is in that class.”

She continues pulling me, shaking her head, “Ever, you are going to thank me after you hear this.”

Our school is situated in the shape of a huge square. The court yard, is the only part of the school that is actually outside. We settle on a bench on the outer edge.

She catches her breath and starts, “Oh my god Ever… according to Melissa who lives two houses down, Michael asked her friend, Brittany out.”

My heart skips a beat at this news. It's not something I was expecting.

I slowly ask, “Are you sure?”

She looks down sadly, “Yes, aren’t you glad I didn’t let you go to class?”

I shake my head confused, “But when he broke up, he made it sound more like it was…”

Gabbi finishes, “More like he needs freedom?  Or, maybe, because of college next year? Or, he just doesn’t want any attachments? I don’t know Ever, it always seems to go this way.”

I look up at her offended and tell her sarcastically, “Okay Gabbi, because you are the all- knowing relationship expert.”

She chuckles, “Okay, maybe I have yet to experience my first big love, but I
have
learned a lot from everyone else’s broken relationships.”

I glance down defeated, “Thanks.”

She grabs my arm and shakes her head, “I didn’t mean… I’m sor…”

I cut her off uncomfortably, “It’s okay.  I know what you meant.  I just can’t believe he is moving on already.”

I look up at her suddenly sick to my stomach, “I think I’m going to skip my first class. I’ll see you in third.”

She asks, “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you?”

I shake my head, “No, I’ll be alright, I just need to be alone right now.”

She hugs me and hops up, rushing to class calling behind her, “Hang in there, I still love you.”

My smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes, but she knows I am sincere anyway.

***

Here I am debating the cruel implications of my life while I wait out my first class. I relocated to the park across the street from the school. It’s a small little park or really more like a patch of grass. It mostly consists of a couple of wooden benches, two lantern style street lamps and a huge sycamore tree, sparse for a park, if you ask me.

Gabbi and I have used this as our meeting place for the past three years. It's kind of like our spot, where we can go to vent or gossip. As far as I can tell not many other people use it, which works well for us.

Today the clouds are many, a true grey day, perfect to go with my sudden, depressive mood. It was going to be the day things turned around, I was so sure. Everything just turned in the opposite direction, I was hoping for. A tear falls.

Oh great, that’s all I need, puffy eyes. Haven’t I done enough crying during the past couple of weeks? You would think my tear ducts would be empty by now.

My intention is to make it to the rest of my classes, but I don’t know what I will do if I have to face Michael today. Especially now that I know he really has moved on.

My mom and Gam-aw have both told me on more than one occasion over the past two weeks, that your first love is the hardest to get over. Well, at this point I have no intention of having any more loves, ever.

It feels like there’s a pit in my stomach and every time I think of him, bats fly around making me feel dread. Not a very good feeling and here we are going on two weeks with it… and he has already moved on. I can feel a sob coming on.

I would be happy if I could just push the delete button for the past two weeks and forget any of this ever happened.

I met Michael
during our freshman year. I had just entered my first class, on the first day of high school. I knew many of the students, but it was still so new. I took the only open seat next to Michael and we hit it off right away.  He was even more scared than I was. He had just moved over the summer from Florida and knew not a single person. From the start it seemed as though we fit perfectly. He glanced over with his golden, brown eyes and sunbaked blonde hair. He asked my name and looked terrified.
I was taken with him from the beginning. That was, I guess, the start of the end.

My walk to second period statistics is uneventful and thankfully, I don’t run into you know who. Sitting here, I start to think about this girl, Brittany. Couldn’t her parents think of anything else to name her? I mean come on, every other girl has that name these days. I don’t know who she is and I pretty much know everyone in my graduating class. It is after all a pretty small class of about two hundred. I guess there is a possibility she is the same age as me, but I have a feeling she is younger, which makes me even angrier. Why couldn’t he stick with someone his own age? 

I begin to wonder is she brunette like me or blonde… Is she tall or short…h
ave I ever seen her before?

I’m so engrossed in my musings that when I look up, I jump back in my seat startled. Jason Varner, a guy from my class is leaning on my desk only inches away from my face, looking at me with this knowing smile.

“Sorry Ever, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says with his best southern drawl, not such a good impression. Oh great, here it comes, word spreads like wildfire around this place.

He stutters under his breath, “I was… I was just wondering if you would like to see a movie with me…um… this Friday night.”

I glance around and even though this is an A and B conversation, I see waiting, expectant pairs of eyes staring at us. I sigh and turn towards him as my anger surfaces.

I hiss hotly, “Just because Michael has moved on and has a date on Friday night, does not mean I want to go out with the entire male population here. No, I don’t want to see a movie with you. Not on Friday night or ever, so go tell all your little friends that Ever Harding is
not
interested.” I say this last part a little too loudly.

He looks like he can’t get away fast enough and he says as softly as he can while he scans the waiting eyes around him, “I take that as a no then, maybe another time.”

He turns and skitters away.

The girl at the desk next to me, Roberta, says in a whiny voice, “OMG, did you have to be so rude?  Poor guy...”

I shrug my shoulders and look away, what does everyone want from me? Through the rest of the class, I am the one squirming. I keep getting dirty looks from everyone around me. Counting down the minutes- they can’t tick by fast enough.

By the time I walked through the door to my third class, English Literature, Gabbi had already heard about my outburst in Calculus. She tried to console me and downplay it, nice try Gabbs. I can’t say it really worked though. I still felt lousy.

My next three classes pretty much were as I would have expected, lots of whispering and glaring in my direction. I’m sure Michael heard at some point, which is exactly the opposite vibe I wanted to put out. Obviously now Gabbi isn’t the only one who knows, I’m not over him.

2

Friday

The rest of the week brought more gossip about Michael and more gossip about my rejection of Jason. I guess I should have taken it a bit down a notch and been nicer to him.

He wasn’t the only vulture who flew down to ask for a date, when Michael broke up with me though. They just couldn’t see I wasn’t interested.

I know it isn’t anyone’s fault, Jason just happened to be asking the wrong thing at the wrong time. The good thing however, is that no one asked me out for the rest of the week and that is a record, considering there were five invites in two weeks. Well, six if you count my failure date with Tad. Oh, just thinking about that night, makes me want to crawl under a rock. It was so embarrassing.

Gabbi however, will not let this Friday night go. She is convinced I will not be okay at home on a Friday night, knowing Michael is out on a date with another girl. I can’t get it through to her that me and reality T.V. are old friends and we'll be just fine. She won’t buy it and Friday after school tells me she will be over to pick me up at eight.  Maybe I can suddenly come down with a fever or something.