Just Breathe (3 page)

***

I peruse my closet and choose jeans and a black T-shirt. I am in mourning after all. Gabbi didn’t tell me where we are going but truly, I don’t care as long as it is where Michael isn’t.

When she pulls up to my house, I walk out and notice her ensemble is the usual vibrant Gabbi. She has green skin tight jeans with a purple, flowery tank and a daisy to match in her red, unruly, and frizzy hair. She decided on purple glasses to clash with her big brown eyes. It always seems to work for her. I think if I showed up in some of her outfits, people would burst into fits of laughter.

I hop in and ask as cheerfully as I can, “Hey, Where are we going?”

She smiles and starts the car.

We start driving and the car is silent. It’s never a good sign when Gabbi decides to be quiet.

I ask her, “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

She shakes her head smiling, “Nope.”

I look at her incredulously, “Gabbi, if you do anything…”

She glances quickly at me frowning and looks forward shaking her head, “Like what Ever? Help you feel better? Help you get over Michael? That’s the whole idea here, silly”

I shrug my shoulders. Gabbi has been my one constant through this whole Michael thing. I resolve to trust her.

We pull up to a local hang out called The Rest Stop. It’s a restaurant, arcade, and coffee shop. Besides the movies and the field by the lake, both really just make out places, this is the only local hang out. We don’t fall into the other two categories, so this is the place for us. The bad part is that Michael is out and I have an uneasy feeling that we might run into him.

I panic and turn to Gabbi before she gets out of the car, “Really Gabbi, I have a headache. Maybe you should just take me home.”

She smirks and shakes her head so I plead with her, “What if he’s here?”

She smiles and climbs the rest of the way out of the car. I guess I can just sit in the car all night but I doubt she will let that fly. I reluctantly climb out and take a deep breath.
I can do this
.

My heart falls as soon as we walk in the door. All of my friends are there hanging out in the coffee shop part of the building. They are sitting at the same table as Michael and I presume this Brittany chick. I guess that’s to be expected, since we were together for three years, having the same friends and all. My heart is breaking all over again at the sight of him with someone else. I turn right back around to head back out the door, but Gabbi grabs my arm.

She whispers, “Ever, this is for your own good. The only way you are going to move on, is to face up to it.”

I glare at her shocked and whisper, “What? You did this on purpose; you knew he was going to be here with
her
.”

I just can’t believe it, what happened to my concerned best friend?

She nods and admits, “You needed some intervention. I felt like I was losing you. I know you’re mad at me but in the end you’ll thank me. So let’s go get a coffee and join everyone.”

I can feel my mouth drop at the sheer disbelief of it. She can’t possibly have any concern for me. Feeling very alone all of the sudden. I can’t even respond to her, my feelings are so hurt.

She looks at the table longingly and makes a deal with me before I can respond, “If you are still not feeling it after thirty minutes, we’ll leave and go to a movie or something.”

I can barely find my voice. I glance around and eye a chair at the exact opposite end of where they are. As I spot it, I notice Reggie Jones sitting at the table. Gabbi has had a big time crush on him for about two years and they are finally starting to talk. I realize some of her motive now. I suppose for one night I can put Gabbi’s greater good above my depression, as difficult as it will be.

Even though now, I feel completely betrayed.

I glare at Gabbi and tell her, “Thirty minutes.”

She smirks a half smile and we head for the table.

I glance over reluctantly and meet Michael’s eyes. He nods and smiles. My heart falls, that smile used to be mine- now I’m just an outsider exchanging pleasantries.
Get me out of here.
I look at Gabbi’s pleading eyes. Why do I let her talk me into these things?

As we approach the table, Michael and a couple of  the other guys stand up in greeting and make introductions, as if I don’t already know everyone, except
her
. My heart is skipping beats too much, I think. My palms are all sweaty and if I don’t faint, I might cause a scene in some other unpleasant way. I sit in the seat I pegged as far away from Michael and his new toy, as I can get.
This night can’t end soon enough.

The group is talking about the new football coach coming to turn our school around. Half of the guys play football and our fearless Knights haven’t won a game in two seasons. A new coach was finally hired and the guys seem a little bit excited, at the prospect of possibly winning a game. I try to concentrate on the conversation but I can’t help stewing at Gabbi and Michael.

I’ve been coming here for the better part of my life and never in all of those years have I ever felt so uncomfortable being here.

Stealing a few glances at Michael’s latest, I notice, she is blonde and really skinny. I thought he liked girls with a little meat or more athletic. She couldn’t be more opposite than me. She must have felt my stare because she looks my way and glares daggers. I glance over at Gabbi but she is avoiding eye contact with me. I know she doesn’t want to go but,
come on
. I don’t know how much more torture I can take.

Rachel and Duke are sitting at the table with me. Rachel and I have known each other since seventh grade. We were closer back then. Things really change in friendships when you start dating, I would know.

Rachel asks, “So Ever, how are your classes going?”

We don’t have any together this year so we rarely see each other.

I answer, “I guess they’re okay. How are yours?”

She tells me, “Well, I have Mr. Philips for English Lit, and he caught me cheating yesterday, it was really bad and…”

She stops suddenly so I look up. She has a pained look on her face and grabs my hand to squeeze it, glancing in Michael’s direction.

She whispers, “Sorry.”

I shrug my shoulders and take my hand away.

G
et me out of here
.

Gabbi keeps checking on me when she thinks I’m not looking. The tension is thick around us. My other friend Jamie is sitting a couple seats down. I can tell in between conversations, she is checking on me too. She has a “poor Ever” look on her face. I try to smile to assure her I’m fine, but I can tell she doesn’t believe it.

I should have stayed home. I resolve that when Gabbi tries to get me to go out again, I will hold my ground.

After everything, the night didn’t turn out to be a total loss. Gabbi made some headway with Reggie.

She doesn’t know it yet, but she is going to owe me big.

3

The Unknown

As the weeks roll by, I slowly feel better. The idea that Michael is dating someone else still pisses me off, but the pit in my stomach is slowly dissipating.

I am looking forward to the start of football season and swim training. Although Michael is a football player and a good one at that, going to the games doesn’t make me sad or depressed. Our school revolves around the sport and the new outlook with a new coach gives everyone something to look forward to this season.

The first game is coming up this Friday and of course everyone will be there. I had committed myself to hermitude after the Friday, coffee shop incident. Gabbi persisted each weekend, but I held my ground which in the end, I was better off. Last Friday she even left me alone because she had her first date with Reggie, finally.

Unlike most girls who date football players I am not a cheerleader. I know, typical of me to break the sterotype, but cheering really does nothing for me. I prefer the drab wardrobe of an introvert, as opposed to the cute, frilly cheerleaders. I am friends with most of them and I can squeal like any other girl, just not in public for all to see.

Instead, I swim. I have been swimming competitively since I was ten. My family and I moved to Pahrump when I was nine. I found that after living in Chicago for the first part of my life with an actual winter and summer, Pahrump was excruciatingly hot, so I took up swimming to keep cool. My parents will say that I’m a natural. I don’t know about that, but I do know, that I feel at home in the water, especially when I win a meet.

I decided that today would be the day I start training. Late October before the weather starts to turn, I can still use the lake instead of the community pool. I just can’t take the toddlers and their swim diapers.

I jump in my jeep and start driving the twenty miles to Little Lake. My dad found my jeep in the back of an old car lot and surprised me on my sixteenth birthday. It is older and quite big with it’s off road tires, and black. He would bring me to the lake on the weekends and saw that I loved it so much more than the pool. He realized I needed a way to get myself there. I love driving it, so the drive to the lake goes by fast.

As I pull up to the lake, it’s just as I’d hoped, deserted. The best, when no one is around. The problem occurs when I have to share it with fishermen. Usually that doesn’t work out and I end up at the pool. Today though a cloudless sky, and not a soul around, perfect.

Gabbi came to the lake with me once. She doesn’t swim or play any sports. She is more the brain of our duo.  She competes on the math and debate teams. She decided one day last season she would come for moral support and to spend some girl time since all of my off time was spent with Michael. Anyway, she hated it. It was spring, so the ducks were out in full force. She is definitely not, one with nature.

That decided it for me, the lake is mine alone. It’s the only place I can come and no one will bother me.

The tall grasses surrounding the lake, are usually a beautiful vibrant green in spring but right now they are turning to sages and browns with the change of the seasons.  I undress to my suit, stretch and wade in. The water is warm but feels refreshing because of the slight chill in the air.

I start out slowly and gather momentum with each stroke and kick. My body knows this feeling so well. I know I should take it easy for my first train of the season but this Michael thing makes me push harder. My muscles start to ache. Everything feels so much better after an hour straight of swimming. Just maybe I can get through and one day move on. I lie on the bank and bask in the setting sun, savoring the warm, fall day. Feeling completely refreshed on my drive back home.

***

The next day I drive over right after school for my second day of training. My muscles are sore from yesterday but I decide to push myself again. After all what is muscle memory all about anyway? It feels good to have something to focus on that doesn’t involve the opposite sex or the L word.

I strip down to my suit and wade in. After about five laps in my own little world, I start to feel a shiver up my spine as if someone is watching me. I stop and tread water, while glancing around. I must be imagining things. No one is around so I start the laps again. As I’m trying to focus on my breathing, I see something in my peripheral vision to my right and stop again. Now I’m starting to get spooked. Maybe there’s an animal on the bank of the lake. Maybe this is a sign I need to leave. I stop again and look around. Something catches my eye. It looks like little bits of light jumping up and down over the tall grasses to the right of me. I envision someone with a flashlight. That doesn’t make any sense though. I probably wouldn’t be able to see it from this distance or during with the bright sun shining.

I drag myself to the bank in front of me, rushing to put on my shorts and tank. I round the grasses to the right of the lake trying to walk softly, but the dried grass crunches under my feet. It takes me forever to get around the lake, but I don’t want to startle whoever or whatever it is.
What are you doing Ever? Leaving would be the best choice in this situation.
I continue walking, curious.