Just Breathe (7 page)

Well I was feeling better until he didn’t show up and…other things I can’t quite explain. Leave it to me to find the moodiest person in the school to latch onto, besides myself.

I head home to get my swim stuff and run into James when I get there. He is in the kitchen sulking at the table listening to music. My parents still aren’t home so I sit down and take an ear bud out of one of his ears. I suddenly remember listening to Jack’s music that morning. It seems like it happened days ago.

I look at James and ask, “Are you alright, do you want to talk?”

He takes the ear bud back and shakes his head putting it back in. Well then, I guess I’m just zero for two today.

I take the steps two at a time to my room to get my swim stuff. I decide to check my email before going and click on a message from my gam-aw:

Ever,

Call me to talk about your upcoming birthday. The big eighteen!

I would love to come down and celebrate.

Love,

Gam-aw

A smile reaches my lips picturing my gam-aw. She lives in Chicago and doesn’t act like any other eighty year old. She uses email regularly and has an I Pod with not so ancient music. Occasionally she will call and ask about my current play list. My mom worries about her in Chicago living by herself, but she prefers it that way. She is one strong old lady. She outlived my grandfather by ten years and seems to be just fine by herself. No other interesting emails so I gather my stuff and take off.

James is standing in the hallway at the foot of the stairs just staring at me as I climb down. I stop in front of him, afraid he’ll bite my head off, if I say anything. He looks so tired. There are huge purple blotches under his eyes.

He tells me, “Sorry for snapping at you earlier, I’m just not myself lately.”

Tell me about it, “It’s okay James. Maybe you should talk to dad, I’m sure he will be able to help.”

He shrugs and heads up to his room.

That is an area, if I’m right, that I don’t have any specialty, nor do I want to talk about it with my brother. I’m having enough problems in the love department myself.

I start the jeep and head down the road. My music blasting as loud as the volume will allow. I lose myself in the music and the ride takes no time. My body can anticipate the water as soon as it comes into view.    Swimming is definitely my way of dealing. I need it almost as much as I need to breathe.

The Lake is deserted. The boat ramp lot across from the lake is empty as well. Wonderful! I strip down to my one piece training suit and stretch. The water is lukewarm with the heat index rising lately. The Armagosa River runs into Little Lake refreshing the water and cooling it down sometimes but not today, it feels just like bath water. We are just forty five miles from Death Valley so it can get pretty hot.

I lose myself in the laps. My muscles tense with the workout. My mind clears as my sole focus is breathing. After swimming for an hour, I break a minute and head to the bank near my jeep. As I step out of the water, I notice Jack standing there staring at me. We lock eyes and warmth spreads through my face and neck. Today is not the best day for more heat. His eyes are green and he looks down as if he’s ashamed.

I walk toward him and ask, “What happened to you today?”

The questions keep rolling not even giving him a chance to answer. “Why are you here, every time I am? Why are your eyes blue most of the time and then they… turn green?  Why does it seem like you disappear when your eyes turn green?” My voice resembles a whisper towards the end of my rant. Some of the things I am asking sound so absurd once spoken.

He turns and walks the other way. I follow him and touch his shoulder. It sends a shock up my arm. I withdraw and cower back. He turns around and glares at me.

“I was supposed to stay away from you. I wasn’t supposed to get involved with you.”

At this point my mouth drops open, not understanding a word he is saying.

“What?” I ask dumbfounded.

He steps forward until his face is so close I can smell his sweet breath and fresh boy scent.

He says, “I was not the best um person for this, I can’t stay away from you.”

And he takes a deep breath like he’s in pain and turns around walking in the other direction. At this point I don’t know what to do. I’m a little creeped out but he’s walking away with answers to my questions. I’ve gotten a glimpse of happiness again and I don’t want it to go away.

“Wait, don’t go.” I plead.

He keeps walking with slouched shoulders as if the conversation has defeated him.

I take a step after him and say unsure, “Hey, What about that race? I thought you were going to beat me.”

I stand there and wait, he stops. I sigh. At least I got his attention. He turns after a minute and a smile plays at the corner of his lips.

The blue creeps back into his eyes as he walks back slowly, “I’ll race you but, you’ll be sorry.”

“Really?”
A smile spreads across my lips.

I set my towel down and wade into the water. He peels his shirt off and of course my heart skips. Lanky would not be the word to describe him. Actually the opposite, he is so muscular and solid. It takes my breath away to look at him. I turn back the other way, embarrassed.

We stand there looking at each other in knee deep water.

He leans over and challenges, “Ready, on your mark, get set…
Go
”

We both take off. I think I’m keeping a good pace when he starts to pass me half way across the lake. It doesn’t even look like he’s putting forth any effort. My arms and legs push harder with each stroke and kick. I’m gaining but he must notice because he starts speeding up. Whoa, this one’s fast. We reach the other bank. He has beat me by about five feet. I climb up the bank and land on my back next to him. We are both looking up at the sky. Our shoulders touch and that familiar spark radiates down my arm. This time, I don’t pull my shoulder away. Suddenly I am aware, the shock of electricity doesn’t stay, it’s just the initial feeling then warmth spreads from the spot where we touched. So his eyes and his touch…interesting and more mysterious than ever.

He turns his face towards mine and I can smell his fresh scent again, almost like I would imagine the ocean to smell, intoxicating. My eyes close listening as our breathing evens out.

He whispers, “I told you I’d win. You need to practice some more.”

I open my eyes and see his taunting grin.

I stand up and start running back to the water.

“Oh yeah, well best out of three,” I call out to him.

He makes a splash as he dives in after me. This time I know what I’m up against so I push myself as much as I can. A glance to the side tells me he hasn’t caught up yet. I keep going and reach the bank about three feet ahead of him. Ha! Take that. Practice more, my butt.

He climbs the bank smiling and complaining, “You cheated.”

I shake my head, “Nope, you lost fair and square.”

It feels so good to be smiling again.

We lay on the bank basking in the setting sun.

I ask, “So are you getting to know your way around Pahrump?”

“It’s starting to grow on me. How long have you lived here?”

I close my eyes again, as my body relaxes and tell him, “We’ve lived here since I was in fifth grade. That is when I met Gabbi.”

He says, “Tell me about her…”

The rest of the afternoon pretty much follows this pattern. He asks all about my family and friends. I do most of the talking afraid to ask him about himself. The last thing I want to do is scare him away. If Jack is my way of coping these days, so be it. I resolve that the answers to my questions will probably come, in time. I can wait.

8

Dreams

That night I wake up at three o’clock again from another dream;
I’m at the lake again and I’m being chased but it doesn’t feel like I’m alone. It feels as if someone is running beside me but I can’t seem to turn my head to see who it is. My chest heaves for a breath but I can’t seem to get any air. As soon as I gasp, a hand grabs my arm yelling,”Gotcha!”

I sit straight up in bed.  The desperate thirst is t
here again. It feels as if I ran across the desert.

I clop down to get a glass of water and James is sitting at the kitchen table. He jumps when I walk in. I must have startled him.

“Sorry.” I mumble.

“I’m just down for a glass of water.  Why are you down here?”

He looks up, Whoa, hello circles under the eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

I sit down across from him with my water and ask, “Are you sure you are alright?”

He shrugs his shoulders, the infamous Harding shrug.

I continue, “Did you end up talking to dad?”

He looks squeamish suddenly and answers, “Not exactly.”

Okay, mysterious new friend, mysterious brother, what is going on with my life?

“Well if there is anything I can do James, please let me know.”

He shakes his head, gets up and says goodnight. Note to self, discuss brother’s behavior with the parental figures.

Back in my room I wrestle with whether to venture back to sleep. These dreams seem to exhaust me. That’s different, wake up exhausted after sleeping. However, no circles under the eyes is more appealing so I collapse, hoping for sound sleep.

My alarm sings at six thirty on the dot and again, I'm thankful for a dreamless night.

The thought of Jack at school seems to rush along my morning routine. His name brings a smile to my lips and a tingle in my belly.

My wardrobe has brightened a little. Today warrants a flowery, yellow top with my jeans and an actual headband. I have been anti-hair accessories since my mom tried to force them on me in the third grade. I’m feeling….different…better.

Finding a spot for the jeep in the lot, I immediately notice the yellow car. This brings another smile, a record for the day already. Gabbi runs up before I can even check to see if Jack is by his car. She has brilliant news today judging by the vibrance of her ensemble, pink pants and a multi-colored top with her ever present smile.

“Ever, Ever you will never guess what happened.” She giggles out of breath.

I look at her expectantly.

“He kissed me, Reggie kissed me!”

A huge grin reaches my lips. She has been waiting for this, for the better part of two years now. I give her a big hug and do the giggly girl thing. A glance past her brings Jack into my line of vision. He is staring at me but, not with a smile. His mouth is downturned, almost frowning and I can see that his eyes are green again.
I have to get to the bottom of this.

“Hey, Gabbi we should go to class before we’re late.”

She agrees, “I just can’t believe it, can you?”

My genuine smile tells her I am thrilled for her. We part and head in opposite directions. Before I reach the doors leading into the building, Jack grabs my arm and pulls me around the corner of the building. This startles me. I didn’t even see him waiting there. The shock resonates on my arm as his grasp tightens, warmth spreads.

I look up at him and see the green in his eyes. Suddenly it hits me. His eyes are always clear blue when he is happy and in a good mood. The green seems to sink in and change when his mood goes down. Wow, talk about mood swings.

He whispers with urgency, “Ever, we have to get out of here.”

I stammer, “But we didn’t even go to our first class yet.  Why?”