Interview With a Jewish Vampire (24 page)

“
I can’t possibly return home without my coffin, Rhoda,” he sputtered angrily as we hauled it into the storage room. I’d never seen him so angry. “For one thing Goldie would be extremely upset. She’s used to it. She depends on predictability—when anything in the apartment changes I never hear the end of it. And how could you ask me to give up my coffin! That’s my history, my family heirloom, the only thing I have left from the old country. I’ve slept in it for a hundred years.”

I wanted to get rid of it so he’d get used to sleeping at my apartment in my bed, but that was clearly not an option. We compromised. He would ship it back UPS to Crown Heights, but agreed to stay at my apartment without it if I bought blackout curtains.

“
But what is Tess going to use for Ellen and Miriam?” I asked him.

“
Look on the Internet for a coffin. I’m sure you’ll find something,” Sheldon suggested helpfully.

Sure enough at www.coffintables.com I found a casket kit for only $800. The ad read: Traditional Austrian casket design. Approximate set-up time - 1/2 hour. Tools required - universal screwdriver set, hammer, wood glue. All pieces cut to length and sanded. Made With Solid Pine and Rope Handles - Bedding is an option.

“
Are you handy, Sheldon?”

“
C’mon Rhoda, I’m Jewish. I can barely hammer a nail into the wall.”

My ex-husband couldn’t screw in a light bulb and I never knew a Jewish guy who could fix anything, so I had to look elsewhere. Mom knew Tony, a handyman who worked for Encore, the Century Village maintenance company. She called and told him she was ordering a pre-fab coffin to use as a coffee table until she passed on, at which time it would bear her remains. “I don’t want to trouble my daughter to buy one,” I overheard her telling him on the phone. “They’re so expensive at funeral parlors. I thought it was a good idea to pre-plan.”

Tony was used to strange requests from Century Villagers, many of whom were suffering from dementia, so he agreed to assemble it. I called and had the coffin Fed Ex’d overnight and the next day Tony knocked it together in about an hour including a teak-stained finish. Voila! Instant coffin coffee table. It was a handsome piece, actually. Mom had a huge Spanish shawl with fringes and embroidered flowers that she threw over it, and with a few artfully placed chachkas it looked quite stylish. The girls loved it. In fact both Miriam and Ellen decided to buy one for themselves before Tess changed them. Tess agreed that it was always a good idea to have a coffin as a backup sleeping place in case she or the girls got insomnia. In the bright Florida sun even blackout curtains didn’t block all the light. She thought the coffin coffee table idea was brilliant because it also served as a hiding place should vampire hunters start looking for the Golden Grandmas.

It was hard for me to leave Mom and go back to New York, even though she repeatedly reassured me that she’d be fine. When she woke up at sundown I took her hand, sat on her bed and stroked her face, which felt smooth and not soft anymore the way it used to. It wasn’t hard exactly, but more like plasticine, the clay they give kids to play with. I was used to the feel of that skin on Sheldon’s face, but it felt very strange on mom, who used to have the soft, wrinkled skin of the very old.

“
Mom, how can I leave you alone and go back to New York? How do I know you’ll be OK?” I was nervous about what might happen to her without me around to monitor her behavior. How did I know Tess and the other Grandmas would look out for her the way I would?

“
You don’t. So why don’t you stick around? I’ve always dreamed of you moving down here. I’ll get you and Sheldon a nice condo in Century and we can all be together.”

“
Sheldon hates Florida, mom. He can’t tolerate the heat, plus his brother and his golem are in Crown Heights?”

“
He has a golem? What kind of mishegas is that. There’s no such thing as golems. They’re mythical creatures.”

“
So are you mom.”

“
I give up,” she threw her hands up, her lips curling in a smile. “It’s a whole new world. I guess I’ll have to get used to it.”

“
Me too, this is all very strange. Will you really be OK?”

“
Rhoda, I’ve managed on my own since your father died. What’s so different now? I just have to change my diet, that’s all. I’ve been on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, the grapefruit diet, the Atkins diet, the Zone diet, the South Beach diet and a juice fast. So now I’ll be on the blood diet. It’s not so different really.”

I guess I wanted to believe her so I did.

By the time Sheldon and I boarded a 10 p.m. Delta flight to La Guardia my anxiety level had dropped from a
nine (need Ativan NOW) to my usual five (worried about everything but managing to cope). Mom was settled with a feeding schedule at the ranch with Tess providing transportation, and had agreed to go to regular B.A. meetings. It wasn’t difficult to get her to agree once we had settled the God issue. She loved the social aspect and actually didn’t seem to mind the stale blood that came out of the coffee carafe. After the meetings she invited the group back to her condo and they schmoozed all night.

As soon as we got into our seats I dropped off to sleep. I hadn’t realized how exhausted I was. Sheldon, of course, was wide-awake since it was nighttime. When I woke up three hours later we were taxiing into the airport.

“
Sheldon, maybe you can discreetly carry me. I am incredibly exhausted.”

“
No problem, Honey. Just lean back and l’ll give you a little ride.” He put his arm around my waist and zipped me out of the airplane, through the airport and down to baggage claim. After we got our bags we stood outside the terminal waiting for a cab. Sheldon turned to me looking somewhat abashed and said, “I have to go back to Crown Heights Rhoda, do you want to come with me?”

There were no cabs in sight so we didn’t have to make an instant decision. “But your coffin won’t be back yet, you don’t have a bed, where are we going to sleep? I’m ready to pass out.” Sleep was all I was concerned with at the moment. “Why don’t you come home with me?”

“
You don’t have curtains either, I have a big closet I can sleep in. Actually it’s my hiding place just in case.”

“
Just in case of what?”

“
Vampire hunters, SS, I don’t know. All Jews should have a couple of hiding places and a valid passport.”

“
I don’t have either,” I admitted. I kept meaning to get my passport renewed but never remembered.

“
Why don’t we both go home to our own places?” Sheldon suggested. “I don’t want you to get upset, but I’m feeling the need for some space.”

The word “space” triggered panic. Every time a guy had told me he needed “space” it meant bye-bye Rhoda. I felt nervous because the last time he’d gone home he’d disappeared. But I didn’t want to seem too possessive. That was not an attractive quality in a woman, or man for that matter.

“
OK, Shel. Just give me your phone number this time.” I grimaced, trying to be casual. “And don’t lose your phone.”

I brought out my cell phone and selected “new contact.” OK, what’s the number?

We traded cell numbers—Sheldon didn’t have mine either in his contact list. Actually he didn’t have a contact list, he remembered numbers by heart. A good memory is another vampire trait, one that I sure could use. I wonder if I’m getting premature senility because I’m so forgetful.

A cab pulled up. “Age before beauty,” I said to Sheldon, opening the door for him. “I’m going to visit you in Crown Heights tomorrow,” I told him, ignoring his request for “space.” I went on. “Give me your window dimensions and I’ll hang blackout curtains. And I’ll bring a blow-up bed for us.”

“
Rhoda, I already have a Jewish mother. I get all the mothering I need from Goldie. She shops for me, remember?” He looked amused.

“
Oh, I forgot. Well, I’ll take care of the bedroom stuff OK.”

“
You get a good night’s sleep,” he said, avoiding the issue. He grabbed me and gave me a long wet kiss and squeezed my behind before he stepped into the cab. “I’ll call you. I do want you to meet my
mishpuchah
—Goldie, Herschel, and my
minyan
.”

That was reassuring. He did want me to meet his family so he couldn’t want that much space. Or maybe he was just conflicted. I felt a bit apprehensive about meeting so many Hasidic vampires and a golem, but if I was going to be with Sheldon I had to be part of his world as well as vice versa. I decided to dress very modestly and arrive on his stoop looking demure. I waved goodbye to him as his cab pulled out.

My apartment looked lonely and barren without Sheldon. I started missing him desperately and almost picked up the phone to call. Luckily the sun was coming up so I knew he wouldn’t answer. Then I realized how dependent I was on him, how attached, how hurt I was going to be if he left me. I thought about Bella in
Eclipse
, how she became suicidal when Edward left her. I loved that book. I cried all the way through it, related to every bit of angst that Bella felt. What was wrong with me? I was forty-one years old, why couldn’t I grow up already. I knew what was wrong with me. I’d been abandoned by my husband, Sheldon had already taken a powder on me once and now he wanted “space.” I was insecure about him for a reason. I didn’t know anything about him really, how he spent his time, whom he spent his time with, what was important to him. I’d just incorporated him into my life without really paying attention to his needs. What did I expect? I knew I’d gotten into trouble with guys before by trying to run their lives. Was I doing it again? Was I too needy, too desperate for love?

I decided to give him some space even though it rankled that he’d used that hated word. I’d read
He’s Just Not Into You
. I’d read
The Rules
. I knew what men wanted. But vampires? Were they different? Being a self-help and an Internet junkie I started surfing Amazon for a book that would help me. Amazingly I found one.
So You Want to Marry a Vampire: The Rules for Capturing the Heart of a Creature of the Night.
So I immediately downloaded it onto my Kindle and started reading.

Based on
The Rules
, it was absolutely fascinating. A lot of what was in the book wasn’t relevant to my situation—but the authors made it clear that vampires were men first and foremost and I’d have to do the hard-to-get number or I might lose Sheldon. I hated, hated, hated playing hard to get but after reading the first part of the book I realized it was crucial, and made a pledge to myself to try. I decided not to call him, but wait until he called me. Here’s as far as I got before I conked out: