Interview With a Jewish Vampire (10 page)

“
Put that goddamned thing out. I didn’t know vampires smoked.”

“
What other pleasures have I got left? I can’t eat or drink. I don’t have sex—much. Although now that you’ve tracked me down I’m not responsible for what happens between us anymore—you are. I love smoking. I especially love cigars. Why shouldn’t I smoke? I can’t get cancer.”

“
I can. Ever heard of the dangers of second-hand smoke?”

“
OK, I’ll put it out.” He sighed and threw the cigar out the window. “Sheldon, you don’t throw lit cigars out the window. What if you hit someone?” I could imagine my neighbors being scandalized if any of them happened to be leaving or coming home at the moment.

“
Rhoda, you seem to expect me to behave properly. I have no idea how humans are supposed to behave these days. I don’t hang out with humans. In my day people threw garbage out windows.”

Suddenly I realized I not only had a vampire on my hands but an unsocialized vampire. I was going to have to teach him how to act human. I supposed it was no worse than getting any guy to pick his clothes up off the floor but I had no idea what other bad habits I might have to deal with. Did he piss out the window too? Oh, he probably couldn’t piss.

“
How do you know the expression ‘hang out’ if you’re from the eighteenth century?” I asked him.

“
I watch TV, what do you think? And I know how to read. I’ve read all the vampire novels so I know how I’m supposed to act. They’re a little dumb, don’t you think? Do they write them for kids? Except for Anne Rice of course. I wish I could be like Lestat. He’s my hero—so courageous. Can you believe he became a rock star?”

“
No, I can’t. That was fiction. In real life vampires don’t play the Palace. Or maybe they do. What do I know? What else do you do with your spare time?”

“
I surf the Web. I davven, study Torah, kibbitz and play chess with the guys I live with.”

“
Torah? Guys. What kind of guys?”

“
Vampire guys. Jewish Hasidic vampire guys. Who do you think I live with?”

“
Sheldon, I have no idea. I really know nothing about you. Or almost nothing.”

It immediately occurred to me how thrilled Charlene would be to find out there were other vampires, hopefully single ones. We could double date.

“
Are they single vampires?”

“
Why do you want to know?”

“
You met Charlene in the cab. The tall brunette with the curly hair. She’s my best friend and she wants to date a vampire too.”

“
The vampires I know are all Hasids. They’d never date a shiksa, human or vampire …well maybe Mendel would.”

“
Who’s Mendel?

”
My brother Herschel’s roommate. He’s sex-crazed. Herschel is engaged.”

“
You have a brother?” That sure complicated things. Would Sheldon be willing to leave his brother in Crown Heights and move in with me?

“
How did you wind up with a vampire brother?”

“
I turned him into one. He was dying of consumption. He begged me, he didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to go through eternity without a family.”

I started sobbing. I didn’t plan to, it just happened.

Sheldon looked alarmed. “Rhoda, what did I do? Did I say something to upset you?”

“
Just thinking about my mom. She’s been sick lately and I worry about losing her. She’s my only family.”

“
Poor baby,” Sheldon said sweetly, hugging me.

“
Maybe you can save her.”

“
Me! I’m not a doctor. I thought about going to medical school but there’s too much blood, I might faint. Or kill my patients.”

I didn’t explain. I decided to wait awhile, until we’d spent some quality time together. I’d made the mistake of introducing my ex to my mom too fast—she really liked him and pressured me into marrying him. Charlene was always reminding me to take it slower with guys so I wouldn’t scare them away. Introducing a guy to Mom too fast was one thing, asking him to turn her into a vampire was quite another. Who knew how he’d react? I had to make sure he was really mine—that he was totally committed to me—before I brought it up.

Sheldon kept stroking my back. Then he sneakily moved from my back to the rest of my body. That boy sure knew how to change the subject. Mom ceased being a topic of conversation as we fell onto the floor and ripped each other’s clothes off. I wished I’d cleaned the floor. I felt dust balls on my tush. I didn’t think Sheldon would notice as he started moving inside me. At that point I forgot about everything except how wonderful he felt.

“
I want to make it up to you,” Sheldon said after we made love. “I want you to forget that I made you suffer, that I didn’t call.”

“
I’m still not totally buying your explanation about why you didn’t call.” Now that we had made love I felt bolder about confronting him.

“
Rhoda, it was for your own good. Don’t you understand that?”

“
No, I don’t.
Disappearing with no explanation is never good for any woman.” I propped myself up on an elbow and stared at him, as if I could tell by looking at him whether or not he was telling the truth.

“
Would you have accepted it if I told you I didn’t want to hurt you?”

“
No, when guys say that it means they do want to hurt you, and they always do.”

“
In my case it was the truth,” he looked back at me with such a sorrowful expression that I not only believed him, I felt bad for him. “I just couldn’t see any way I could make you happy. I’d have to leave you one way or another so you could lead a normal, human life.”

“
Why didn’t you tell me what was going on. How could you just disappear with no explanation?”

“
I may be a vampire but I’m no match for a determined Jewish woman. I knew you wouldn’t accept my explanation--you’d suck me back into your web,” he licked his lips and raised his eyebrows in a silly approximation of a lustful look. “And I was right, you have.”

“
Are you sorry?”

“
No. I can reassure myself that at least I tried to get away—now whatever happens I won’t blame myself. You went after me so I’m off the hook,” Sheldon gave a sigh, which sounded like a sigh of relief. “Does that make sense?”

“
Not really, you should have called. But I can’t resist you so yes, you’re off the hook.”

We’d gotten off the floor finally and were sitting naked on the couch. I usually lunged for my bathrobe after lovemaking, but he reassured me constantly that he loved my body the way it was—poochy stomach, flabby thighs and all—because I had a natural advantage in this relationship—I was alive and he was dead. He would always love my body no matter how it looked because I had blood running through my veins and he didn’t. He would always want that blood although he could resist sucking it. That made me feel secure in a perverse kind of way. It was like being with a much older guy. Just being young was enough, it didn’t matter that my cups runneth over with cellulite.

“
What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done, Rhoda?”

“
My ex once took me to Nathan’s on Coney Island for a hot dog at midnight and then we made love under the boardwalk. I wound up scraping sand out of my private parts for days. How about you? How many women did you have—when you were human?”

“
Let’s just make believe we are each other’s first love.” Sheldon leaned on his elbow and hovered over me. I would have felt his hot breath on my face if he’d had any hot breath, but breathing wasn’t one of his habits. “Let’s pretend tonight is the first time for both of us and we’re going to be together forever.”

“
Forever is a hell of a long time for a vampire.”

“
Never long enough to spend with you.”

If anyone but him had fed me that line I would have dismissed it as flattery--but Sheldon was obviously so sincere that I couldn’t conjure up even a hint of sarcastic comeback.

“
Rhoda, why don’t we do something really romantic? Let’s go out on the town to celebrate our reunion.”

“
Don’t you have to work tonight?”

“
I can take off. But I don’t know what to do about clothes. I’m not dressed for going out. You wouldn’t want to be seen with me looking like I’m ready to
davven
rather than dance.”

“
I’ll fix you up. Shave the beard, ditch the hat, and you’ll look almost normal. I’ll give you a snazzy tie. I bought it for my ex but he never wore it—he was a crappy dresser. The coat’s a little long but if you wear it open maybe you’ll look cool—like a refugee from a spaghetti western.”

“
I’ll try.” He went into my bathroom and came out shaven and not pasty.

“
How’d you get that color on your face?”

“
Spray-on-tan. You had some in the bathroom. Doesn’t it look great?”

“
Better on you than me. It makes me look orange.”

“
What else do you have that I could put on?” Sheldon asked. He’d put on the clothes I’d given him and was staring at himself in the mirror. He looked almost normal.

“
I didn’t realize you could see yourself in the mirror?”

“
I can now that I’m tan. I can see my face with this stuff on it. I haven’t seen my face in a hundred years. I’m a handsome Jewish boy, aren’t I?” He winked at himself.

“
You look just like Jeff Goldblum.”

“
Karen said I looked like Sasha Baron Cohen. Isn’t he better looking? And younger?”

“
You watch too much TV. Let’s get out of here. I want to show you the town.”

Sheldon laughed. “The night is ours. What’s our first stop?”

“
Central Park,” I said. “I’ve always wanted to go there at night but I never had a vampire to protect me.”

“
What makes you think I can protect you?” Sheldon asked coyly.

“
Fangs. Superhuman strength. Chutzpah.”

“
OK, let’s go.” I led him out the door.

“
Not yet,” he said. “I want to see you in something besides those shlumpy jeans. Now get dressed.”

“
But I hate getting dressed up. I’m a jeans kind of girl.”

“
Nope. I want to see you in a sexy dress. Wear this?” He held out a black, low cut cocktail dress that I’d worn once to a New Year’s Eve party. He’d snuck into my closet when I went to pee.

“
I don’t even know if it fits.”

“
Wear it.” He wasn’t letting me off the hook so I put it on. It was a little tight, but it did fit, and it showed off my impressive cleavage, which had gotten more impressive lately with my extra poundage. Thank goodness some of it had landed in the right place. I put on a pair of stockings and high-heeled boots, went into the bathroom, applied lipstick and mascara, and fluffed my hair.

“
Rhoda, you are a vision.” Sheldon grinned when I came out.

“
But I can’t walk in these boots.”

“
Don’t worry, we’ll fly.”

“
You said you couldn’t fly.”

“
I’ve been practicing. I can glide around a bit on the ground. Just hang onto my arm.”

I put on the gorgeous cashmere coat that I’d snagged for twenty bucks from my favorite Upper East Side thrift shop but never wore because it didn’t really go with jeans. I looked in the mirror and had to admit I looked pretty terrific, even with my extra X’s. Sheldon took my arm in a very courtly gesture and we floated down the stairs. I was prepared to walk, but he hailed a cab, which stopped for us immediately, probably because he didn’t radiate weirdness when he was with me—or maybe it was the tan.

“
Central Park, please.”

“
It’s a big park. Where exactly? The cabbie asked politely. A polite cabbie in New York, what a concept.

“
Where do the hansom cabs park?”

“
You could try the Plaza. There’s usually a couple there.”

“
To the Plaza then.” Sheldon turned towards me. “Champagne at the Palm Court. I saw this place when it was built a hundred years ago.”

“
Do you drink champagne? Can you drink at all?”

“
I can have a little, as long as I don’t overdo it. It evaporates in my system but the bubbles tend to fizz out of my nose. I wish they’d made champagne when I was human. I mostly drank sweet wine on holidays like the rest of the Jews. Until I died that is. Then I could only take a few sips.”

“
You have to tell me the whole story,” I was eager for the details.

“
Over champagne, darling.”

The taxi pulled up in front of the Plaza and Sheldon ushered me up the broad stairs into the elegant lobby. I showed him the portrait of Eloise, whom I adored when I was a child. He was mystified,

“
I’ve always wondered why this silly picture is in this elegant hotel.”

I could see that life with Sheldon was going to involve some cultural dissonance. How could he understand what it was like to grow up as me, or vice versa? Oh well, I guess I’d just have to pretend he was from the older generation. Actually older by about four generations.

“
She’s a character from a beloved children’s book. She lived at the Plaza and did naughty things like ordering two peanuts on a spoon from room service, swinging on the chandeliers in the ballroom and pouring water down the mail chute.”