Interview With a Jewish Vampire (25 page)
Read Interview With a Jewish Vampire Online
Authors: Erica Manfred
Our best advice is forget marriage to a vampire, have a fling with your sexy forever-young Mr. Wrong and then marry boring Mr. Right, have kids, and check out before the world gets really sucky. Will you listen to us? Probably not, but we must make the effort.
Since you insist on ignoring our advice and marrying a vampire, we want you to be happy. This is why we have written our time-tested (centuries of time) rules to success.
Rule #1:
Be A “Creature Unlike Any Other”
Actually, your vampire is the creature, you’re the creature feature. To attract the vampire of your dreams you don’t have to be rich, beautiful or exceptionally smart, but you do have to….
•Change your body clock. Girls who can hang out all night and not fall asleep will be much more appealing to a creature of the night.
•Not wear perfume. Vampires hate perfume. They want to inhale the heady aroma of blood pulsing through your veins.
•Be aloof. It’s not that vampires aren’t attracted to girls who pursue them—it’s just that they are more likely to kill them than to fall in love with them. After all, if you’re an easy lay, you’re also easy prey.
•Radiate confidence. Remember, you are girl who can handle a supernatural being who could kill you at the drop of a drop of blood. Act as if you are a combination of Buffy and Bella—a woman who knows how to run really fast and wield a wooden stake—strong yet vulnerable.
•Get a life. Vampires are attracted to girls who do things and don’t just sit around reading the
Vampire Diaries
or
Twilight
for the tenth time. You have to get out of the house. You will meet a vampire when you least expect it—in a dark alley, in a biker bar, even on the subway at midnight. Put yourself in danger, who knows, he might rescue you. Worst-case scenario—you’re his dinner. It’s a thrilling way to go.
Rule #2
Don’t Talk to a Vampire First (And Never Pursue Him)
Vampires came of age in an era when women wore corsets, fanned themselves seductively and cast sidelong glances at attractive men. Therefore, you don’t want to throw yourself at a vampire. He will take it the wrong way and see you as dinner rather than relationship material.
Feel free to cast him a few come-hither glances, but no more than a few. Let him talk to you first. When he does, at all costs don’t be too witty—vampires do not like smart alecky girls. There is not a vampire alive, or undead, who would date Whoopi Goldberg. Barbara Walters yes, Whoopi no. Vampires do appreciate class and intelligence, not wisecracks.
Avoid these typical conversational gaffes:
“What century do you come from?”
“Do you sleep in a coffin?”
“What was it like to die and then come back to life?”
“What blood type do you prefer?”
“Know any cool graveyards to hang out in?”
“Do you have any superpowers?”
“Can you take me for a ride on your back?”
“Do you tan in the sun, or burst into flames?”
Do talk about current events, and politics. Vampires love to talk about politics. They have been around long enough to see kings, presidents, and evil regimes come and go and take the long view of history. Vampires are very impressed by girls who have actually heard of the Weimar Republic and who know there were two World Wars, not three. If you don’t know anything about history ask him a lot of questions and look fascinated by the answers. One yawn and you’re toast, or worse. A lot worse.
Don’t be afraid to be boring. Vampires go for boring. They need relief from the adrenaline rush of looking for victims and killing them.
When a vampire starts the conversation take your cues from him. If you hear growling, or see fangs descending, cross to the other side of the room quickly. Let him get his appetite under control before you allow him to approach you again.
Rule #3
Don’t Meet Him Halfway or go Dutch on a Date
There is no reason to ever meet a vampire at some bar in Manhattan if you live in New Jersey. You will have to take the bus and the subway while he can fly. Any vampire who is too lazy to fly to your place is not marriage material. He was made in the wrong century and he’s been spoiled by women’s libbers.
Never go Dutch. Most vampires have had a couple of hundred years to watch their investments increase in value and can afford to treat you.
When a vampire asks you out, let him suggest where to go. He will probably not ask you to dinner because he’ll be afraid of making you uncomfortable while he watches you eat. If he does ask you to dinner order rare meat. It will show you’re not squeamish about blood.
Be cool and don’t ask who Beethoven is when he asks you to a concert. Many vampires have cultural tastes that run to the old fashioned, such as classical music and ballet Certainly don’t protest that you hate that boring dreck and would much rather go to see Lady Gaga. Be aware that like most old people vampires hate rap music.
Rule #4
Don’t Call him And Rarely Return His Call
Sadly, times have changed and even vampires have cell phones these days. This is no excuse for calling, however. If you’re following the rules he should be calling you, or at least flying over and knocking on your window at midnight to ask for a date.
Don’t call him during the day when you know he’s sleeping. Yes, we know you think this is a clever way to evade the rules and leave a message that won’t count, but vampires are not stupid. They know you know they can’t answer the phone during the daytime so why would you call them? To make a fool of yourself, that’s why.
If he calls you, don’t make small talk. Vampires don’t do small talk, mostly because so much of it involves food, e.g. what did you have for lunch? You do not want to know what he had for lunch.
If he leaves a message for you feel free to call back—in a week. Vampires have a long view of time and a week for them is like a day for you. If you call back too soon you will seem overly desperate.
Don’t be upset if you don’t hear from him for weeks after a great first date. He is busy sucking the blood of other girls. He will get around to you eventually.
Do not leave a personal message on his Facebook or MySpace page. Vampires actually come from an era where people did not broadcast their intimate thoughts to everyone on the Internet. Be discreet.
If you text a vampire spell out complete words. You are dealing with a being from another time who has no idea what BCNU means, much less : - ). Do not insult his intelligence.
No tweeting about him—EVER.
I was already on Sheldon’s body clock as the book recommended so I fell asleep and woke up after dark because my phone was ringing. YES! It was Sheldon. I didn’t have to play hard to get. He asked me to come to Crown Heights to visit him. I pretended to be outraged.
“
Sheldon, you want me to get on the subway after dark and go to Brooklyn alone? Aren’t you picking me up?”
“
Sorry, darling, of course I’ll pick you up. I’ll be there in about an hour—the trains are really slow this time of night.”
Not for the first time, I wished that Sheldon knew how to fly like vampires are supposed to, but I didn’t say anything. I was trying to change my bossy ways. I also didn’t ask if he wanted me to sleep over with him, or if he even had gotten a bed. I didn’t want to sound pushy. I was proud of myself.
Before he arrived I called mom on the new cell phone that I’d bought her before I left. She’d picked up the basics of using it really quickly, unlike her pre-vampire self who was getting somewhat senile and couldn’t fathom new technology.
“
Rhoda … how nice to hear from you.”
She sounded a bit formal, like she’d been rehearsing her lines.
“
What’s wrong mom, you sound strange.”
“
It’s been very hectic around here. Tess and Hannah are in the process of changing Ellen and Miriam and I’m helping. So far it’s going fine but you never know what’s going to happen. I’m nervous about someone seeing us leave here with the coffins.”
“
I’m sure it will be fine, Mom, it worked out OK with you.”
“
And then I’m kind of hungry all the time. It’s not like being on Weight Watchers either. I’d love to be back on the point system.” She sounded plaintive.
“
Haven’t you been to the ranch?”
“
Once, after we changed Ellen. But I’m always hungry anyway. Rhoda, I have to admit it--I lust after human blood, and other things.”
“
Are you going to the meetings?” I didn’t ask her what things. I didn’t want to know.
“
Yes, but they’re not very exciting.”
“
Mom, you’re not supposed to be seeking excitement. You’re supposed to be adjusting to your new lifestyle. You’re getting me worried.
“
No need to worry, Honey. I’m fine. Never better, actually. I go swimming every night and Tess and I have gotten to be great friends. She’s going to take us all clubbing soon—as soon as Miriam and Ellen are ready. I’m really looking forward to it.”
I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea, but I didn’t want discourage her. “Fine. As long as you call me every day and let me know how you’re doing, OK?”
When Sheldon arrived and suggested we take a train back I wasn’t pleased, but I didn’t say anything. I tactfully asked, “Sheldon, can’t you afford a cab?”
He looked abashed, like he would have blushed, if vampires could blush. He turned away and said softly. “I’m sorry Rhoda. I can’t. I lost my job because I’ve been out so much. I’m pretty broke.”
“
What? You lost your job? I had no idea.” I felt terrible. Here he was out of work because he’d been helping me turn mom into a vampire. I didn’t have any money either. I hadn’t done any work lately because of all the tumult with Mom, and the inheritance I’d expected wasn’t arriving any time soon. In fact I had no idea how she was going to support herself for eternity. Her teacher’s pension and Social Security would run out eventually. There must be some way they were notified when people passed one hundred or more. She’d have to pretend to die at some point. Unless there was Social Security for vampires. I’d have to ask Tess how the Golden Grandmas supported themselves.
“
That makes two of us, Shel. We’re both broke. We have to come up with a way to make money.”
“
I won’t be broke for long Honey. I never told you but I have a cache of huge antique diamonds I’ve squirreled away over the years. I’m going to start selling them, but it has to be done very discreetly, one by one. You can’t dump a bunch of antique diamonds on the market without anyone noticing.” Sheldon looked a little shifty when talking about his diamonds. They probably weren’t all completely kosher in origin.
“
So you really don’t have to work?” I wanted to know if he had enough for both of us, but that really was too brazen a question, even for my pre-Rules self.
“
Not really. I worked to keep myself busy, but now you’ll keep me busy. I can help you out too, Honey, once I get some of them sold.”
He answered my question before I asked. What a gentleman.
The train was freezing and we had to wait a half hour for it. He helped me up the three flights to his apartment, though, which was basically the same dump I saw the first time I visited, except now I didn’t see a coffin, probably because it hadn’t arrived yet. However, he opened the door to the bedroom and showed me there was an actual queen-size bed and heavy curtains, which were pulled back since it was nighttime.
“
Sheldon, you got these for me. I am so pleased.”
“
Actually Goldie ordered them while we were in Florida.”
“
Goldie, I thought she became a statue when you weren’t around.”
“
Well I animated her while I was away so she could do some chores. I want you to meet her. She’s hiding in the kitchen. She’s a bit afraid to meet you.”
“
Why?”
“
She’s shy. She actually doesn’t know any humans personally. Only the ones in stores.”
He shouted, “Goldieeee!” and she came into the living room.
Goldie looked like one of the those stout Russian peasant women you see in old photos of Moscow. She was short, wore all black with a babushka on her head. There was no way to tell she wasn’t human unless you looked closely at her complexion which had a pebbly texture, kind of like stone, but it could also have just been acne scars. The letters on her forehead were barely visible when she was animated. Her arms and legs were huge—they looked a lot bigger than I remembered--and she lumbered rather than walked. She glared at me unsmilingly when Sheldon introduced us.