Interview With a Jewish Vampire (20 page)

“
That’s handy, mom is pretty unpredictable. She just might get into trouble.”

We drove back. He lay down on the pullout bed in the spare room and tried closing his eyes.

“
I can’t sleep, Rhoda,” he whined, wide-eyed.

“
It’s been about five minutes, Sheldon. You’re a big baby. I brought your favorite Singer stories to read to you.”

By the time I’d gotten halfway through “Gimpel the Fool,” his favorite, he was undead to the world. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Finally, he didn’t have to schlep that
fershtunken
coffin everywhere. He could stay at my apartment. We could actually travel.

While he was sleeping the girls arrived to see how Fanny was doing.

“
She’s dead and buried,” I told them.

Ellen burst into tears and Miriam started sniffling.

“
Are you sure this was a good idea,” Rhoda?” Miriam asked, wiping her nose. “Maybe she’ll stay dead.”

“
No, we’re sure that won’t happen,” I reassured her. “We checked it out on the Internet. We’re going to raise her tonight.”

“
When can we see her?” Ellen asked.

“
As soon as I’ve got her settled in bed.”

“
I thought she had to sleep in a coffin?” Judy said.

“
No, that was just Sheldon who got into the coffin habit. But you can’t wake her. She’s going to need her uninterrupted beauty rest for a while.”

“
She’ll be sleeping like the dead, eh?” Judy couldn’t resist the bad joke.

Sheldon was really lucky that he slept through the worst of it. I had to survive the entire day alone, not knowing whether Mom would be really dead or undead when we opened her coffin. Figuring out how to spend my days alone in Century was going to get old fast. The only thing I could think of that would keep me entertained, or at least numbed, was shopping. I got in Mom’s car and headed to the nearest Wal-Mart, my favorite distraction. I guiltily took her checkbook, which had my name on it as well. I was on all her accounts so I wouldn’t have to worry about probate when she died. That might be handy now that she wouldn’t be able to get to a bank during the day, but with ATMs everywhere it might not be a problem.

I wandered around aimlessly, at a loss in a Wal-Mart for the first time in my life. Nothing appealed to me. I tried on a few t-shirts but all I could think of was what Mom was going to wear after her change. What do newly made elderly female vampires wear anyway? Tessie dressed in the usual Century Village pastel polyester. So I shopped for Mom instead of me. I wanted to buy her some snazzy outfits in navy or maroon silk or another classy muted fabric, just in case being a vampire brought out her dark side. I decided against black—too funereal. Somehow vampires and the loud Indian prints Mom favored equaled cognitive dissonance to me. But Wal-Mart had nothing in muted colors, much less silk. I had to go to Saks to find what I was looking for. Their clothes were astronomically expensive—Mom would have a fit if I spent hundreds of dollars for one outfit but I did it anyway. I’d just cross out the price and tell her it was on sale. I got her a pretty dark red dress with a matching burgundy shawl embroidered with little red rosettes that I would have liked if it fit me. I also got her some gorgeous black pumps in size six.

Then I went to Best Buy and got her a cell phone, which I was determined she would somehow learn to use. I wanted to be able to get in touch with her at all times, in case something happened to her. Was I having a premonition of disaster? Maybe, but I put it out of my mind. Before the change Mom’s memory had been failing along with her body. She just couldn’t remember how to use any modern technology. She loved photography, and had bought herself a digital camera. She couldn’t figure out how to use it no matter how many times the photo store guy showed her. Even if she had figured out the camera, what was she going to do without a computer or printer to print or store the pictures? So I bought her a computer and a printer. Email was a must. She had to be able to write to me. Plus Best Buy was open late and she could always confer with the Geek Squad after sunset on how to use the cell phone, the computer, the printer, etc. I sure hoped the change sharpened her mind along with revitalizing her body.

After spending enough of Mom’s money to get a big lecture from her, I put away the checkbook and headed for the beach. Bobbing around in the ocean waves was more therapeutic than I’d anticipated. I dove under and rode them back to shore, which exhausted me. Then I sat on the beach and baked in the sun, a luxury I usually never allowed myself due to fear of aging. I’d seen too many Florida women my age with leathery, wrinkled faces. Today I needed to bake—the heat of the sun drained me of anxiety. I refused to worry about how I looked in a bathing suit even though the light of day did not show my thighs to their best advantage.

After exhausting myself in the ocean I treated myself to a huge Jewish meal at The Deli Den in Hollywood. Obama had stopped here while he was campaigning in south Florida and Mom had her picture taken with him ( it pays to be a little old Jewish lady and live in a swing state). I think he had the brisket and a black and white cookie. I had matzoh ball soup and a huge pastrami sandwich on rye. I was glad neither Sheldon nor Mom was around to observe my gluttonous behavior, but I felt guilty anyway. Poor Mom wouldn’t be having pastrami again—ever. I felt so bad I ordered a big slice of cherry cheesecake to cheer myself up.

By the time I got back to the apartment and took a long nap, it was time to wake Sheldon up.

“
Sheldon, I am having a major anxiety attack,” I said as soon as he opened his eyes. “How do we know Mom will rise like she’s supposed to?”

“
We don’t. But Tess probably does. We’ll take her along. She’s going to have to help us with the transition, find blood for Mom to drink. She’ll be pretty thirsty when she wakes up.”

We picked Tess up in the Suburban and I was impressed by how she hopped up into the back. It was pretty high.

“
Ready to rock and roll?” Tess said.

“
Mom hates rock and roll,” I answered.

“
That might change,” Tess said, “I never liked rock and roll either until I became a vampire back in the ‘seventies. Then I became a big disco fan because they were open all night and I could dance. I’m mad for dancing.”

“
Weren’t you worried about looking out of place?”

“
Remember Disco Sally?

“
Yeah, she hung out at Studio 54 back then. She was a darling of the stars wasn’t she?”

“
That was me,” Tess said proudly. “I was one hot grandma.”

“
You outlived just about everyone else who hung out there.”

“
Yeah, and the Studio 54 regulars who are still around, like Mick Jagger, look worse than I do.”

“
Do you still hit the clubs?”

“
Not much anymore. Young people these days are too prejudiced against old people. You have to look like them, act like them, be them. They treat us old people either like we’re invisible or garbage. I hate kids today. Back in the ‘seventies you could be old and wrinkled as long as you were willing to be outrageous—think about Andy Warhol and all the misfits he picked up. I hung out at The Factory too. Oh, I could tell you some stories.”

“
Do you ever take revenge on those kids?” I asked. “I know you could.”

“
I won’t answer that question right now. Suffice it to say I go to the local B.A..”

“
I go to B.A. meetings in New York. I’m a sponsor.” Sheldon eagerly reported.

“
I’ve had some bad moments, where I lost control,” Tess said sadly. “But since we bought the farm it’s much easier to stay out of trouble. The animals meet our needs. Your mom and her friends will join us at the farm. It will be easier for them since we’ve paved the way.”

We were so busy chatting that I barely noticed when Sheldon turned into the cemetery and drove up to the mausoleum where Mom was entombed.

“
This is nice,” Tess said admiringly. “I was buried underground. Very messy.”

“
Who buried you?”

“
My daughter, she’s the one who turned me. She happened to have a big farm in upstate New York so it was easy. She keeps a burial ground for vampires going through the change. It’s not easy here in Florida. Every square foot of space is a condo complex or a swamp. You don’t want the coffin to be flooded.”

“
I wonder if that’s where the expression ‘bought the farm’ came from?”

“
Could be,” said Tess.

“
Here it is,” I announced.

We got out of the truck and Sheldon opened the mausoleum with the key. It occurred to me that even if the key didn’t work we had two vampires who could break in.

“
Does anyone have a flashlight?” I asked. The night before we’d used a flashlight to find our way around inside.

“
Damn, I forgot the flashlight,” Sheldon said. “I don’t need it and neither does Tess. We can see easily in the dark. Unfortunately it’s too dark inside for you to see anything.”

“
That’s OK,” I said quickly, only too relieved to be off the hook. I was terrified of opening that coffin, having no idea what I’d find inside. “I’ll wait outside.”

Tess and Sheldon went in together while I sat on a bench. After about a half hour I hadn’t heard a sound and wondered what was happening.

“
What’s going on in there?” I yelled.

“
Don’t worry, Rhoda,” Tess yelled back. “Your Mom’s OK, she’s alive, or rather undead. She’s just taking some time to regain consciousness. It’s not instantaneous when they rise, especially if they’re old. Everything is slower when you’re old, vampire or human.”

“
Rhoda, is that you out there, Honey?” Mom’s voice rang out, much louder than I’d heard it for a long time.

“
Yes, Mom, I’m out here waiting. Are you OK?”

“
I guess so.”

She emerged from the mausoleum a few minutes later looking pretty much like herself—her old self. In the moonlight I saw her walking towards me with a determined stride that she hadn’t had for a long time. I’d gotten so used to her being frail and hesitant that I’d forgotten the powerhouse she used to be. When she was healthy—in her seventies--she’d visit me in New York City and walk for miles while I took the bus. She’d drag me to museums, window shopping, concerts, plays and any other interesting event she saw in the newspaper. I’d have to beg her to slow down so I could take a rest. That was the mom who emerged from the tomb. Her face had a big grin, her eyes twinkled and had even regained their old green color, her hair was the same bleached blonde but shiny not dull. She was still wrinkled, yes, but the wrinkles looked more superficial, they didn’t etch so far into the skin of her face. Her voice was strong and clear again. She looked at least ten years younger. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how terrified I’d been. She was brushing off her dress, followed by Sheldon and Tess.

“
There’s a lot of dirt in that nasty place. How did you find it? Couldn’t you have gotten me into a classier cemetery, or at least a mausoleum that doesn’t look like a bomb shelter that no one has swept for centuries?”

“
Mom, you’ve only been undead for five minutes and already you’re complaining about the accommodations.” I laughed in relief.

“
I am incredibly hungry,” Mom said, sounding somewhat bewildered. “I suppose I can’t have any scrambled eggs?”

Both Tess and Sheldon chimed in with a horrified, “NO!”

“
We’ll take you for some lamb’s blood, Fanny. At least it’s biblical.” Sheldon smiled at his own joke.

“
I’d rather be dead than never eat another bagel.”

“
You are dead, Mom.”

“
I don’t feel dead, Honey. I feel like myself, just a little peppier, and hungrier. I haven’t actually been hungry for a long time. Since I got sick.”

“
It will take some time for you to get used to your new diet, Fanny,” Sheldon said. “Tess and I will help you adjust.”

“
Let me walk around a little first and try out my new youth.”

She ran away from us, and I mean ran. I hadn’t seen her run since I was in my teens.

“
This is amazing,” she yelled back at us. “I can run and I’m not out of breath.” Then she sat down abruptly, eyes wide with terror. “Omigod I’m not breathing,”

“
Fanny, take it easy,” Sheldon told her. “You have to get used to your new body. It is a totally new body—not the one you had when you were young, but an immortal one. You can breathe if you want to, but you have to practice. There’s a lot of adjustment. It took me months. Psychologically it’s not easy either. You might need therapy.”

“
Therapy? Who would believe me?”

“
There are vampire therapists, Fanny,” Tess told her. “They specialize in vampire problems like SVD.”

“
Is that a sexually transmitted disease?” Mom asked. “I thought we didn’t get sick. That’s why I agreed to this meshuganah plan.”

“
SVD is sociopathic vampire disorder,” Tess informed her gravely. “Some vampires lose their consciences after the change and start thinking of humans as lesser beings whom they can murder or manipulate at will. That’s when they wind up in vampire rehab.”

“
Rehab?” Mom sounded even more bewildered.