Interview With a Jewish Vampire (18 page)

“
Can you email the Talamasca? I don’t want to run up Mom’s phone bill.”

“
Email? I guess so. If I knew their address.”

“
Let’s Google them.”

I brought my laptop out to the pool, Googled Talamasca, and sure enough a website came up with Talamasca.uk.org. You needed to register to get on the site, and I registered with my email address. Once on I looked for the FAQ and there it was, very detailed information on everything a vampire or aspiring vampire needed to know, including how to change someone into one. Sheldon just wanted to know about coffins and burial. He said he knew the rest.

On the night following death, bury the human in a graveyard or a crypt. The next night coffin can be opened and human will be a fledgling vampire. Make sure human has a source of fresh blood immediately. Animal blood will suffice, though fledgling vampire may crave human blood. Discourage this. The more human blood fledgling drinks, the more he will crave.

Fledgling will want his coffin to sleep in for comfort although it is not necessary. Totally dark room will suffice.

“
Sheldon, where are we going to get coffins for three old ladies? And how are we going to bury them and come back when they rise?”

Suddenly the solution came to me. “We’re going to use your coffin.”

“
But I will have insomnia without my coffin. I sometimes have insomnia with it—that’s why Goldie reads to me.”

“
You’re going to have to deal with insomnia. I’ll get you some pot. It will put you to sleep. We’re going to use that coffin for the girls.”

“
One coffin for three women? Are we going to stack them like cordwood?”

“
Sheldon, you are not funny. No, you’re going to change them one at a time. In fact, that will be even better. Each one will be there to reassure the others. Mom will be first.”

“
Where are we going to bury them?”

“
You’re a big, strong boy. You can do it.”

“
I don’t do manual labor. I’m a rabbi.”

“
You were a rabbi, Shel. You’re branching out.”

“
That doesn’t answer the question. Where? I doubt we can bury them by the pool without anyone noticing.”

“
Maybe we need to find a crypt—it’s above ground. Easier to go back and get them the next night.”

“
Providing we don’t run into anyone.”

“
We need to talk to the funeral director.” There was a funeral home conveniently located on Century Boulevard right across the street from Century Village.
No need to travel for the funeral.

“
What do you mean “we?” Sheldon said raising his eyebrows. I think you mean you. I don’t believe funeral homes are open at night, plus I’d probably spook a funeral director. He’s seen too many corpses. A walking one would probably really confuse him.”

“
OK, I’ll do it. I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.”

“
What are you going to ask?”

“
I guess I’ll find out how to buy a crypt? Ask him to show me a few. Then I’ll pick a likely spot for Mom and the girls. Someplace quiet.”

“
No loud corpses, eh?”

“
Sheldon, for a vampire, you have a sick sense of humor.”

“
I want a crypt,” I informed Mr. Fleischer. “In a mausoleum. Mom has a horror of being underground. And I want to have access to it before she dies. So I can show it to her, you know. I want to take her there myself.”

“
What kind of crypt are you interested in?”

“
What kinds are there?”

“
Oh, dear, we have a huge range. Some are in cemeteries in upscale areas like Boca. The mausoleums range from Baroque to Classical to Gothic to the type that’s built into a hill, with waterfalls, grottos, meditation gardens, palm trees. Those are more expensive. Others are plainer.”

When he gave me the price range I gasped. I picked plainer. Much plainer. Mom wasn’t going to spend much time there after all.

“
I can take you to see a mausoleum in Everglades Eternal Rest Cemetery, in Tamarac. Not the most elegant, but it is reasonably priced.”

“
Uh-huh. I don’t think Mom would want to spend my inheritance on her final resting place. Can I see it?”

“
Do you want to drive with me?”

“
Would it be OK if I followed you. I need to do some shopping and I love the Wal-Mart over there.”

He shrugged. “Your choice.”

The truth was that the thought of sitting in a car with this guy gave me the willies. I followed him to a cemetery that was unrelievedly bleak. No trees, scrubby grass, no actual gravestones, just flat plaques in the ground. There was one big concrete building that I assumed was the mausoleum.

“
Why are all the graves marked with flat stones?” I asked as soon as we parked and started walking towards the concrete building.

“
Upright gravestones tend to fall over—Florida is all one big swamp. Flat ones are more stable.” He chuckled. He’d come to life a bit in the cemetery. “Here’s the mausoleum.”

“
It looks like a bomb shelter.”

“
Well actually it was one. They sold it to the cemetery. A bomb shelter was pretty stable on this ground.”

“
Geez, that is weird. Anyway, let’s get this over with.”

He showed me the interior, which was basically a wall of niches with drawers, like a morgue. The only decoration was another Star of David on the wall.

“
After the coffin goes in, the niche is sealed with material that inhibits the odor of decay, of course. Anyway, once the person is entombed in their crypt, no one really wants to go inside the mausoleum. There are plaques outside to commemorate the inhabitants.”

“
Listen, can I get access to the mausoleum. I mean the key to the door.”

“
We don’t usually do that. Why would you want the key? Once your mom goes to her eternal rest, the door will be opened for the burial, and then closed.”

“
I want to take Mom to visit. She wants to make sure where she’ll be buried.”

“
I could come out here with you again, I suppose.” He sighed. “I have the key. There’s no one on site to let you in.”

“
I need the key. Mom is very self-conscious. She would not come out here with you. I can’t pay you without the key.”

He sighed again. I guessed he was used to strange requests from the soon-to-be- bereaved. “I guess no one would mind. There’s no caretaker on the site and to tell you the truth, hardly anyone ever visits. It’s not very pretty.”

Hearing that visitors were rare was a real relief.

“
Well, that’s it then. Let’s go back to your office and I’ll give you a check. You can give me the key.”

“
You can drop by later. After you go to Wal-Mart.”

“
What? Oh yes, Wal-Mart,” He’d dropped the hard sell and was being nice. I’d totally forgotten about Wal-Mart. “I’ll skip shopping. Now that I’ve settled on the crypt, I’d prefer to get the arrangements over with.”

When we got back to his office he handed me the key. I gave him a hefty check for the crypt and for perpetual care. I would need it again for the other girls after Sheldon changed Mom.

“
Do you want to see our casket selection? We have a large range of lovely final resting containers in all materials from teak to lead. If you pre-order the casket when you pay for the plot, or crypt in your case, you get a big discount.. If you don’t take advantage of the discount today you lose the opportunity for a really good deal.”

“
I don’t need a casket. I have one actually. In the storage room at Century Village.”

“
You have one? What are you doing with a casket?”

“
Don’t ask! You don’t want to know.”

“
I suppose not,” he said, taking my check and pocketing it. “It’s your funeral.”

Mom had spent a great deal of time deciding what to wear for her death.

“
What do you think, Rhoda, should I just wear a nightgown, or pajamas?”

“
I have no idea mom, pick what you’re most comfortable in.”

“
I don’t want to wake up and look shlumpy, but on the other hand I do want to be comfortable. I know, I have the perfect dress.”

She settled on something festive—a long, loose Mexican dress with a day of the dead motif—little skeletons dancing on a yellow and red background.

“
So apropos, don’t you think?”

The first night Sheldon was very tentative about sucking
Mom’s blood. He sat by her bed on one side and sunk his fangs into her neck while I held her hand on the other side.

“
That hurts,” mom whined. At least she wasn’t shrieking.

“
Let me get some EMLA cream for her.”

“
What’s that?” Sheldon asked.

“
It’s a numbing cream. She has some in her kitchen drawer. It’s handy stuff.” I got the tube and rubbed some of the ointment on mom’s neck. Then we had to wait another hour until it took effect. I turned on
True Blood
on HBO in the meantime to give mom some idea of the vampire life.

“
Turn that off,” she said after the first episode. Watching Bill get drained in the parking lot of Merlotte’s was too much for her.

Sheldon went back to mom’s neck, but this time he looked like he was enjoying himself a little too much. He kept glancing at me guiltily. I knew that look. It was the one I had when I ate ice cream when I was supposed to be on a diet.

“
How does this feel, Fanny?” he asked, his fangs dripping with a few drops of blood.

“
It looks disgusting, I’ll tell you that much,” I said.

“
Rhoda, shhhh, you’ll freak out your mom,” Sheldon warned me.

“
I can’t feel a thing Sheldon, just go ahead.” Mom, as usual, was being brave.

After a little more sucking, however, she fell asleep.

“
I’m going to stop now, Rhoda. I don’t want to hurt her.” Sheldon looked miserable. He drew away from Mom reluctantly.

“
You’re supposed to hurt her Sheldon. In fact you’re supposed to kill her.” I was determined to be matter-of-fact.”

“
I wish you wouldn’t be so blunt, Rhoda. This is your mother we’re talking about.”

“
You’re the vampire, why are you such a sissy?

“
I have a reverence for mothers, especially the Jewish mother of the woman I love. It goes against my instincts to hurt her, although her blood is pretty tasty.”

“
Yuck,” I guess I’m a wuss too. Let’s go to bed.

We spent the night watching the first season of
True Blood
.

“
If I looked like Sookie would you love me more?” I asked Sheldon wistfully. I’d always fantasized about having a body like Anna Paquin that would look great in shorts and a tight t-shirt. I reassured myself that I had a vampire as hot as Bill Compton so I had no need to be jealous.

“
I’d like you to dress more like Sookie,” he said, “but I like your body the way it is.”

I determined to buy some sexy outfits, even if there was no way I’d be caught dead—or even undead--in shorts.

The changing process didn’t go as smoothly as we had hoped. Night after night Sheldon sucked blood from Mom, and day after day she’d wake up feeling fine.

“
What’s going on, Rhoda,” she asked on the third morning. “Aren’t I supposed to die and change into a vampire? Maybe we should just give the whole thing up and go shopping.”

“
No, Mom, please be patient, we’re still working out the process.”

“
You better figure it out quick or I’m going to die of boredom.”

At least mom hadn’t lost her sense of humor. But Sheldon and I were quickly losing ours.

Despite the fact that I knew Mom was going to rise as one of the undead, I felt guilty about wanting her to die—and terrified as well. There was no way to avoid those primal feelings. I just wanted it all to be over and was getting stressed by hanging around and waiting for it to happen. The girls were stressed out about it too. Every day they’d come over expecting to hear that Mom had died in the night and every day she’d be chipper as ever.

“
I love your outfit, Fanny. Perfect for the occasion,” Miriam told her.

“
This is taking so long I’ve had to wash it twice. I may be losing my life but I’m not losing my fashion sense.”

“
I’m doing something wrong, Rhoda.” Sheldon said that night. I’d never seen him look so upset. Usually even-tempered and smiling, he sat glumly with his head cocked thoughtfully, brows knitted, trying to figure out the answer.

“
I don’t know what it is. I have to do some more research.”

We went back to the Talamasca website and followed the FORUM link. We hit the subject
Changing Human to Vampire
. There were some questions that seemed relevant.

Deadgurl asked:

I don’t know how much blood to suck from the human?