Impulse (16 page)

"
useless
"
gets my hearty F U

Right on. If I ever actually grow big enough
huevos
to chance a visit home, I'll consider letting them know I've become a Democrat. 440

445

I Don't Tell Conner Everything

About last weekend. Like how, despite all Pa did to make me feel at home, I was a complete stranger under his roof, and I doubt that will change.

How the big bed in the spotless wine red bedroom made me feel lonelier than ever. I've never, not even once in my life, slept in a bed like that--so much room, such heavy warm covers, deep, fluffy pillows. I felt like I was drowning in comfort, choking on the idea I could ever belong there. 441

446

How even though I had plenty of meds, supplied by Aspen Springs, I sneaked into Talia's bathroom, borrowed a Valium or three.

Pop a Valium with a Prozac, you don't care where you are, or who's talking in the other room, not even if you know they're talking about you. At least the combination put me in a place where it was easy to keep my big mouth shut. Who needs confrontation? 442

447

Apparently, Stanley Does

He's in a mood at group this afternoon, and it's going to be hella interesting because the person he's set on taking on is Dr. Starr.

Life is all about choices,
the bulldog says.
Let
'
s talk about the choices you
'
ll make when you leave Aspen Springs. Where will you go from here?

Stanley leans his chair back on two legs, sticks a finger up his nose.
I
'
m gonna go find me a cute little girl and show her the business end of Stanley.
443

448

First, I suggest you sit that chair back down on four legs. Now tell us what you meant. Usually,
"
the business end
"
refers to a weapon.

Stanley stands, smiling as his right hand falls toward his zipper.
That
'
s right. And this right here is my weapon of choice.

Damn if he doesn't yank his ugly little thing right out of his pants. The girls scream, Dr. Starr's eyes go huge, and Stanley starts to laugh. 444

449

No One Dares Come Between

Stanley and his target, except for Vanessa, sitting smack in his path.
Come on, Stanley,
she says.
You don
'
t really want to mess with Dr Starr do you?

Is she crazy? That fat fuck will go right over the top of her.
Stay out of this, bitch, or I
'
ll take you out too,
promises Stanley.

Everyone pushes back into the wall as I start toward Vanessa. But before I can get close, Conner plants himself right in front of Stanley.
Far enough.
445

450

Stanley stops, but only for a second. He raises his hands, fists tight.
I
'
m not afraid of you, preppie. Get the hell out of my way.

Dr. Starr moves toward the door, knowing help lies not far beyond. But Conner takes control, warning,
Just give me an excuse to kick your ass.

Believe it or not, Stanley does, moving straight into Conner, swinging. Conner lifts a defensive arm, knocks Stanley off balance, takes a swing of his own. 446

451

OMG!

Conner is so incredible. In one movement, he drops Stanley to the floor like a swatted fly. Paul and Stephanie rush through the door, but the whole ugly confrontation is over. They drag Stanley, sobbing and slobbering, to his feet, shriveled penis still exposed.

Put him in isolation,
says Dr. Starr.
I
'
ll call

juvenile detention.

The rest of you can go

back to your rooms.

We
'
re finished for today.

Conner may I speak with you for a minute?
447

452

I hold back while the others start toward the door. I want to take in Conner, barely breathing hard after playing hero. I watch Dr. Starr's fingertips rest lightly on his shoulder, and I fight a jealous shiver.

He
'
s fine, isn
'
t he?

"Tony! You scared the bejesus out of me!"

Sorry. But he
is fine,
isn
'
t he?

"Yes, he is." Suddenly, I notice I'm floating in a cloud of white. 448

453

It's Weird

Because since I've been on the lithium, I haven't gone manic at all, although I have fallen back into the blue zone several times. Dr. Starr says lithium works faster against the white.

Yet here I am, feeling fearless (which explains my earlier lunacy--Stanley could have knocked me senseless); feeling stimulated (by the hysteria and close call, but more by Conner, standing up for me, standing close to me); feeling alive (straddling the razor wire).

You
'
re blushing,
whispers Tony.

What have you got on your mind, Vanessa?
449

454

"Like you can't guess." Oh yes, it's on my mind-- Conner, lying with me in a bed of tall, cool grass. Conner, leaning over me, his long, lean body exposed. Conner, kissing me with his luscious mouth...

Here he comes. You

might want to close

your mouth.

You
'
re drooling.
450

455

A Slight Exaggeration

At least I think so. I circle my lips with my tongue, hoping to catch any stray drool, as Conner comes very close.

He reaches out, touches my cheek.
You okay?

My heart threatens implosion, but I manage to fake cool. "Just fine. Thank you, Conner."

He shrugs.
No problem. He had it coming.

What did the bulldog

want?
asks Tony.
You in any trouble?

Nah. She thought he had it coming too. Hey, who knew Stanley had the balls?
451

456

Balls? You mean you

could see them, too?

We all crack up and Dr. Starr clears her throat. "I think that's a hint. We'd better go." Tony leads the way.

Conner falls in, very close behind me.

You have to be more careful,
he whispers.
I won
'
t always be around to protect you.

His voice is chocolate-- sweet, smooth, rich...

... foreboding. 452

457

Actually Dr. Starr

Wanted to strongly suggest I go home this weekend.
You
'
re ready, Conner You are stronger than you know.

"Why do you say that? Because I took care of Stanley? He's nothing but mouth. But home? I'm afraid of there. Too many judgments."

You want to get out of here

sometime, don
'
t you? Our next

Challenge program starts in two

weeks. Chew on that for a while.

So I'm chewing. I do want to get out, but where, oh where, will I go from here? I've always looked forward to senior year, varsity football, cheerleaders' panties. But I can't go back to school now. Everyone thinks I'm some kind of nut, and fuck, 453

458

they're right. I am. I've been here, trying to get a handle on my craziness, for months.

But, despite all their prying,

Drs. Starr and Boston are not even close to fixing me. If I told them every secret, an overdose of stinking truth, would they break down and admit I'm damn near as warped as Stanley? That's an eye-

opener and, shit, it's true.

459

But hey, Guess What

Crazy means I'm not liable for my actions. So screw it, I'll go home, propped up on Prozac against distractions like my mom and dad bitching at me, Cara, and each other; like Mom and Dad quizzing me about school, my future and Emily, certainly not in that order. Meanwhile, I'm going to catch up with Vanessa. Someday I want more than her smile.

Does that mean there's hope for me after all? She doesn't have a single crows-foot, no cigarette taint to her laughter.

A wedge of crazies shuffles along the corridor, and Vanessa and Tony walk slowly, at the rear of the throng. 455

460

I watch Vanessa sway her hips and a sudden urge comes over me. Not liable for my actions, I surge straight ahead, push my body against hers. She slows even more, letting me nest against her, as if she knows what I've got in mind.

I lift her hair, bend, and drop my lips to her neck, kiss the soft pulse behind her ear. She slips her hand into mine.

Mmm.
She sighs, and I know she wants to kiss me back.

But this is not the place. "Soon,"

I promise her. Very soon. 456

461

Tony Tosses a Jealous Look

Over his shoulder. Weird, but I get the feeling he isn't jealous of Vanessa. Somehow, he seems jealous of me.

"Hey, Tony," I test. "I'll give you a kiss too, if you say please."
You wish,
he jabs.
But I prefer a man who likes to be on top.

"Ouch, little brother! I like it on top. And on the bottom. And standing up. And... Oh, man, I gotta stop or go jerk off'."

Oh, yech,
says Vanessa, but she says it with a laugh.
Guys are just the nastiest creatures. Don
'
t the two of you agree?

Tony slips right into "gay."
Of course, you luscious girl. And that
'
s how I love
'
em--

nasty, sweaty, meaty and coarse.
457

462

"That's how I like my women, too." Too brave. Vanessa's scowl could cut me in half. I backpedal, fast. "Except you!"

We reach the gender T-- boys go right, girls straight ahead, past the rec room. Vanessa stops to blow two kisses--one toward Tony, the other to me, and I think maybe I could learn to love someone, after all. I drink the thought, try hard to swallow it. 458

463

Three Days

Since they hauled Stanley away and now, I hear, he'll be back this afternoon. His parents must have way deep pockets. That dude should be locked up like

Hannibal Lecter--behind shatterproof glass, so science might have a chance to discover some unidentified mental defect. Stanphrenia. Yeah, that's it.

Oh well, he'll be Level One again, so I may not have to see him, long as I go to the Challenge. Some people here are afraid to go. Not me. 459

464

A few weeks climbing obstacles, sleeping outside, building fires without matches, and eating out of cans? Sounds about like living on the street.

Six of us are eligible for the Challenge now--

Lori, Dahlia, Justin, Vanessa, Conner, and me.

Well, Conner will be, if he makes it through this weekend. I don't know exactly what's waiting for him at home. I just know he's a lot more scared of there than he is of obstacle courses. 460

465

I Wish I Could Be a Mirror

On one of those walls, but I can't, so I'll head on over, see if I can talk to Vanessa, who's reading in the rec room. The other girls are yakking nearby.

They never ask Vanessa to sit with them. Or if they do, she always says no thanks. She's a worse loner than I am. Not as bad as Conner, though.

Loner or no, I plop down beside her. "Hey, you. Whatcha reading?" Even before she looks up, I can see her smile, in the corners of her eyes. 461

466

Finally she lifts her gaze from her book, and her smile is worth a thousand words.
Hey, Tony. Thanks for saying hi. It was feeling lonely in this noisy room. You always seem to know when I could use a friend. Sit down, okay?
Her warm hand finds mine, pulls.

I sit very close to her, and I'm glad when she doesn't take away her hand. It's warm. Soft. Girly. Like in the movies, I lift it, kiss softly. 462

467

A Strange Light

Fills Vanessa's eyes. Confusion? Clarity? Disgust? "What? You never had a guy kiss you before? Oh, yeah. You did. I saw, remember?"

She smiles.
I
'
m not quite senile yet, dear To answer your question, yes, I
'
ve had lots of guys kiss me. Just none quite like you.

"Quite like me, meaning gay?" I pretend hurt. "And what do you mean, 'lots of guys'? Can you quantify that for me?" My turn to smile. 463

468

"
Lots of guys,
"
meaning too many--I didn
'
t even like all of them.
Now she brings
my
hand to
her
kiss. "
Quite like you,
"
meaning special.

Tony, no one in here, including Conner, treats me with the kind of respect and friendship that you do. Anyway, all
"
gay
"
means to me is happy.

"It doesn't mean that to me, Vanessa. My lifestyle has caused a lot of pain. I hope to change that when I get out of here."

I do? 464

469

Tony Is So Different

From what I thought him to be, the first few times I was around him. Initial impression: funny, not particularly intelligent, homosexual to the point of caricature.

Current impression: funny, way smart, and not just street smart; sensitive but strong. Gay? Maybe, but there is a definite attraction between us. And gay, straight, or somewhere in-between, I love him.

Suddenly, I want to tell him. "I love you, Tony." I expect a smart-ass reply, or at least surprise. But I'm the one who's surprised. 465

470

I love you, too, Vanessa, and in my life, love is rare.

You are rare--someone who bothered to scratch under my skin and find the person