Impulse (14 page)

"You stuck here with us this weekend, Car?" I measure her proximity to Conner, wonder if she's flirting on purpose. "No place better to go?"

She giggles. What
could be better than spending time with two gorgeous guys? And, if you want, I
'
ve got permission to take you out of here tomorrow.

394

Conner stirs, moves his leg even closer to hers, just a fraction of an inch from brushing.
Out of here, where? Like maybe to San Francisco?

Carmella laughs again.
I don
'
t think we could get away with that. But we can take in a movie. There are some good ones playing.

"I'm in. But aren't they afraid we might overpower you and hit the road?"
Don
'
t even talk like that. Someone might take you seriously.
390

395

Someone Probably Should

But right now, I really have nowhere better to go. And I wouldn't want to get Carmella in trouble. Of course, I can't speak for Conner.

But he seems cool with the plan.
Okay, count me in too. A movie would be great. Unless you can figure a way to San Francisco.

I
'
ll work on that for next time. Meanwhile, can we please change the channel? Nothing worse than women with tits for brains.
391

396

Conner laughs.
Oh yeah, there are definitely worse things than that. But I wasn
'
t watching this show anyway. Here
'
s the remote. You choose.

It's really kind of scary, sitting here watching TV with two people I like. Almost like having a real family-- not that I'd have a clue

what that was like. The closest I ever came was Phillip. And he was so sick, our time together so short, it almost

doesn't count. 392

397

Grandma's House

Feels completely foreign, completely like home. It's easier to breathe here, where the walls don't gather me in, smother me in their arms.

Hey, Nessa,
shouts Bryan,
come in the kitchen.

We
'
re ready to color

Easter eggs. If we mix

blue and red, we
'
ll get

purple. Blue and yellow

make green. Come here.

I
'
ll show you how.

He's so excited to have me back, he hasn't calmed down for twenty seconds since they picked me up, yakking nonstop about school and his new buddy, Dean; about Cub Scouts and popcorn fund-raisers. "Be right there," I promise. 393

398

But first I need to take a little detour. I've been pocketing the lithium, so I don't spend all three

days in the bathroom.

I'm not sick this afternoon, but I feel a mad rush of blue coming on.

And here I don't have to use paper clips or pop-tops. My trusty

razor blade is in its cubby, calling out to me. Just a little slice, for old time's sake.

399

I Go into the Bedroom

Close the door, remove my steel lover from its place of honor on the closet shelf. I touch its stainless tip to my index finger. Sharp! Without pressure, it draws a crimson bead.

Peel back my sleeve---- the one that covers the barbed-wire scar, affectionately place the blade beneath my left thumb. This is the best rush of all--the moment right before the cut. It's my decision now, I'm in charge. And just as I think I'll give in to temptation, reopen the old wound, 395

400

Bryan calls,
C
'
mon,

Nessa, please? I
'
m

waiting for you.

I could still do it, but I see my brother's face, scream frozen in place, and I put the blade back in its velvet sleeve.

"I'm coming right now, Bryan. Save some purple dye for me." 396

401

T
he Kitchen

Is a Norman Rockwell painting-- Grandma, at the sink, draining eggs; Bryan, at the table, drawing wax pictures on cooled shells, waiting for me to come help with the dye. It's all so . normal, something I rarely feel. And I'm expected to blend in, head backstroking through blue. I'm determined to do it too.

Look, Nessa. I put your name on this one.

And I drew a train on it too.

Bryan always did love trains. Once Grandma took us on the Amtrak, from Reno to Sacramento. I was pretty well bored out of my tree-- except for the cute guy sitting across from me in the observation car. And Bryan loved it so much, how could I possibly complain?

402

I saved lots of purple for you. And all the other

colors too. I know! Let
'
s

make a rainbow.

We go to work, dying bands of blue, red, and yellow. They bleed a little, but so do rainbows. Just as we're dipping the eggs into the green, the front door opens. Grandma turns. Bryan jumps up. I can't believe my eyes.

"Daddy!" 398

403

Talk About Jumping

Through hoops! To get to go to the movie, Tony and I had to put in writing that we know our privileges

will be suspended if we so much as sneeze wrong. And just to make sure, Dr. Boston is coming along.

I suspect that's because she has nowhere better to go-- no spring break for her, I guess. Anyway, I'm happy to share a bag of popcorn with the delectable Dr. B. I hope the movie's an R-

rated romp--something sexy to fire up her pistons. "What are we going to see?" I ask. "A taste of Tarantino? Tim Burton? Don't tell me Disney!" 399

404

Carmella laughs.
Heather and I were thinking more along the lines of Spielberg
'
s

new sci-fi flick. Work for you?

Dr. Boston is a Heather.

Sounds about right. And as for Spielberg, well, we

just might catch sight of someone curvaceous and yummy, if not exactly slutty. "Sure, works fine for me. I'm easy to please."

405

We Take the Aspen Springs Limo

A minivan that must be at least ten years old. It wheezes along the icy road, a decrepit old beast, and I

hope we make it the eight miles to the theater. Spring or no, its much too cold to walk it from here.

Dahlia is with us too-- another won't-go-home.
Da-hamn, it
'
s cold out here, like a whole other planet.

Weird,
says Tony,
how you disconnect from what
'
s outside when you spend your life inside.

I never know what to expect

when I walk out the door. April, and snow on the ground. Do kids

hunt Easter eggs in the snow? I was never a kid, so I don
'
t know
401

406

"I only ever went to one egg hunt," I answer. "Our nanny took us because, to be blunt, our parents

considered such frivolity a total waste of time. Once was more than enough for me--that six-foot, pimply-faced

rabbit, leering like a lech, wrecked me for weeks. Poor

Leona thought the experience

just might affect me for life." 402

407

Enough About Giant Bunnies

We reach the theater, all in one piece, buy tickets, go inside. Just as I think this could turn into fun, a familiar voice scratches my eardrums.
Hey, Conner

What a surprise. I heard you tried to die. That right?

"Hello, Kendra." Stiffly, I turn around to face the pretty blond cheerleader who drowned in Emily's wake.

I consider the accident excuse, but why even go there? "Guess I did. Next time I'll have to try harder."

Her face goes white.
Don
'
t say

that. Believe it or not, a few people care about you. One or two of us even love you.
403

408

Holy shit. How could she love me? I dropped her like a hot piece of tin. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

There's Sean. Gotta go. Hope to see you again soon, Conner.

Give me a call, if you want to.

I
'
m a good listener.

I shuffle off to Screen Three, settle beside Dr. Boston, try to concentrate on the black-humored movie, mind on Kendra. 404

409

The Greatest Thing

About today is how normal I feel--like totally mainstream. Okay, so I'm at the movies with two crazy people, one lonely psychologist, and one totally demented "house mother." At least I'm at the movies, a place I've only been twice before. And these freaky people feel like family.

Hey, Tony,
says Dahlia,
check it out. That girl has the hots for Conner

The girl in question, a too-skinny blonde, definitely knows Conner. He tells her something and she looks ready to cry. 405

410

Jeez, man, what
'
s up with that guy? Does he have a magic wand?

"I suppose you could call it a wand," I answer, and we both bust up.

Carmella shimmies up, arms loaded with buckets of popcorn and oversize sodas.
Hurry up!! hate missing the start of a movie.
406

411

I Sit in Between

Carmella and Dahlia, passing popcorn and laughing at how the girls hold their ears every time the gunplay gets real loud. Too funny.

Every now and then I glance at Conner, who's way too quiet to be enjoying himself. Dr. Boston notices too. Even in the dark of the theater, I see concern in the set of her jaw. She leans over and whispers something, and he shakes his head. Then it seems to me, 407

412

and I could be wrong, that she moves her knee so it just touches Conner's. Now I don't know which

scene intrigues me more: the one on the screen, or the one two seats away. I divide my attention between the two and make a mental note to ask Conner about the twig-thin blonde,

Dr. Boston, and Emily. Dahlia's right. His wand

must hold magic. For the first time in a long time, I feel a tug in my own magic-free wand. 408

413

I Know I Should Wait

To ask Conner about any of that, but on the way back to Aspen Springs, my mouth springs open. "Hey, Conner. "Who was the cute blonde at the movie theater? Someone you know?" Everyone else stops babbling, waits for the answer we all want to hear. It's slow coming.

Finally, he says simply,
Kendra is an old girlfriend. We broke up a few months ago.

Which should be good enough, but not for Dahlia.
Why? What happened?

I know Dr. B wants to know. But she says,
That
'
s Conner's business, Dahlia.
409

414

I'm guessing, thinking back to his poem, it had something to do with Emily. But Dr. Boston is right. It's Conner's business, and he doesn't

seem inclined to share. Not that I won't ask him again later. In private. When I try to pry information about Dr. Boston and

Emily. 410

415

Bryan and I Rush

Into Daddy's arms-- tan and more muscled than I remember. We kiss him, all over his face, from the apex of his buzz cut to the scrub on his chin. Finally, he pushes us away.

Okay, okay. I
'
m happy to see you, too. And I
'
ve

missed my crew. Stand

back and let me get a good look at you.

His eyes measure us, head to toe, as Grandma

goes to him, gently touches his shoulder.
Good to have you home,

Ron. Good to hove you, oil in one piece.

Daddy stands, pulls Grandma to him. 411

416

No need to worry about that, Mama. No need at all. I still got all my

limbs, and all my wits.

But, my God, how

these children have

grown, and grown up.

Grown up? Me? I suppose I have. Killing things, and almost killing myself, must have changed me some, after all. 412

417

I'm Glad

I put away my blade, untested. Daddy would have noticed, of that I'm sure. He and blood are buddies. Grandma's right. It's good to see him, all in one piece. When your father's always knee-deep in a conflict somewhere, you can never be certain if--or how-- you'll see him again.

C
'
mon, Daddy, we
'
re

coloring Easter eggs. There c no Easter Bunny,
you know, so we
'
ve got
to hide them ourselves.

Bryan gave up on the Easter

Bunny last year. This year

he'll probably give up on Santa, too. Lost faith.

Makes me sad. 413

418

Be right there, son, soon as I put my things in my room.
Dad pauses, looks me square in the eye.
You and I need to talk. Later.

Apprehension grips my throat. "S-sure." I watch my daddy stride down the hail, one burly arm swinging his heavy knapsack, and, despite a healthy dose of fear about what he has to say to me, I inflate with pride. 414

419

Later

After a scrumptious Grandma-style three-course dinner, Daddy sends Bryan and me to our rooms.

So I can think about stashing Easter eggs,
he tells Bryan.

But I know he wants to talk to Grandma in private. I leave my door cracked, hoping to hear snatches of their conversation. I do.

Why didn
'
t you tell me about this...
cutting thing?

asks Daddy.

What could you hove

done, Ron? I didn
'
t know

myself, until it was almost...
Grandma's voice cracks. 415

420

And I left you to deal with Margaret, too. I
'
m sorry, Mama, I didn
'
t think...
didn
'
t realize... I mean, I knew she was sick. But I had no idea she would do such a terrible thing.