Impulse (23 page)

I return to surprise number two--candy bars, nuts, and beef jerky, to supplement our roast turkey, stuffing, and gravy goo.

After dinner, Raven offers yet a third surprise.
Letters from home.
She passes them out like treasure, in the absurd belief

that everyone wants theirs. 620

625

The First Letter

I've ever gotten (except for a couple from the state of Nevada) is from my pa. He never even wrote me when I was in lockup. What can he have to say now?

The others withdraw into neutral corners. But I need moral support. I go over to Vanessa. "May I sit next to you? I promise not to read over your shoulder."

She pats the ground beside her.
Of course you can sit here. I don
'
t really want to be alone right now either. Besides...
she puffs into the cold air.
You
'
re warm.
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Somehow she doesn't notice the smell of today's exertions. Maybe she's olfactory challenged. Or maybe she just doesn't care.

And somehow, her own earthy scent turns me on. I move my leg so it touches hers, ankle to thigh. Her body heat turns me on even more.

Completely turned on, by a girl. The strangest

thing about feeling this way is thinking I've never
really
been turned on before--by anyone. 622

627

It's So New

My body telling me it really, truly wants sex. It's so new, knowing initiating sex can and will be up to me. I will never be forced to again.

It's so new, this woman thing, yet it doesn't feel

foreign. It feels like where I've always belonged. It's so new, equating sex with emotion. With love.

Again, I think of Phillip, the only person I've ever

felt anything like love for. And I'm sure he's smiling.

About Vanessa. About my being able to love her. 623

628

About the letter in my hand. More than once, he encouraged me to try and contact my pa, but I always refused.
Stubborn as
tar Phillip called me.

Are you going to open that or what?
Vanessa says, rattling the envelope in her own hand.
I
'
ll open mine if you open yours, okay? Ready? One, two...

As we slit the seals, I wonder why she has hesitated this long. What secrets of her own is she still hiding? Will she ever share them with me? 624

629

I Start to Read

Dear Anthony, not long ago you

told me you'd have to think about forgiving

me. I hope you have

found it in your heart to do so. I won't repeat the reasons why I kept

silent for so long. But

I will reiterate my deep

remorse for not being a better father to you.

You may not believe

this, but I'm proud of you. After all you've

risen to every challenge.

including the ones you're

Facing out there in the wilderness. I know

you've risen to them, because in our few short

times together, I've come to see what a truly strong

man you are. Stronger than me. Please allow

me the time to get to know

you. Please allow me the time to grow to love

you, and for you to grow to love me.

630

Thought My Letter

Would be from Grandma. It's not:

Dearest Nessa,

As you kNow, I'm Not much of a letter writer. But for oNce the words seem to be comiNg easier, here oN paper. WheN I saw you at Easter, I couldN't believe how growN-up you were. It got me thiNkiNg how much we've lost, with me away all the time. I wish I could chaNge what has happeNed iN the past. I caN't so all that's left is to look to the future.

I had hoped your mother would get well oNe day. But wheN we visited her at the hospital, they told me her catatoNia is likely permaNeNt. She will Never come home. So I sill request for a stateside traNsfer has beeN graNted. I'll be home. For good oNce I fiNish this tour of duty

631

I also kNow how much you hated moviNg all the time. DoN't worry we'll stay with my mother, at least uNtil you go off to college. We caN talk about that later, though. Right Now, I just waNt to you to kNow that I will be there for you from Now oNe.

I caN't wait to hear about your experieNces, bivouackiNg iN the Black Rock. Will you show me arouNd the place, oNe day sooN?

Love, Daddy 627

632

Tony Sighs

Echoing my own feelings. He reaches for my hand, and I gratefully slide mine into the warmth of his. "You okay?"

Yeah, I think so. It
'
s just. kind of confusing.

"What is?"

He lifts my hand to his full, soft lips.
Everything.

Three months ago I didn
'
t have a father

Didn
'
t have you. Didn
'
t even have a clear

idea of me. All that has

changed, and I
'
m scared.

"Why, Tony?"

Because before I had nothing to lose. Now I
'
ve got everything to lose

if I somehow flick this up.
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633

"Life is all about change.

If it were static, think about how boring it would

be. You can't be afraid of it, and you can't worry

that you'll mess things up.

You deserve good things, and I want to be one them."

I glance around. Everyone

seems lost in their own little universe, so I take a big

chance, turning my face up toward Tony's. My eyes

tell him what I'm too nervous to say out loud: Kiss me.

634

Tony's Kiss

Is like no other kiss, ever. It wants, but does not demand. It asks, but doesn't take. It gives, and pleads for more. It is filled with desire, but also curiosity, and it teaches me that a kiss should come gift wrapped, not stripped naked. Most of all, it makes me want another kiss exactly like this one. It will not be tonight.

Okay, you two, break it up,
commands Sean.

Six pairs of eyes have turned in our direction, and we are rewarded with a couple of catcalls. We slide a little apart, but not that far. And now, there is so much more between us. 630

635

Complete connection

, in one innocent kiss.

Okay, maybe not totally innocent. Desire stings my body, in places I've half- forgotten exist. But I have to play cool.

Five pairs of eyes continue to chaperone

us. One pair studies

us, digests what it has

seen, then quickly returns to the letter, grasped tightly, tensely, in muscular hands.

Conner's hands.

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636

Unbelievable

When I heard we had letters from home, an insane little part of me hoped mine might bring some sliver of affection. Instead:

Conner: Hope all is going

well for you, and that your

time in the outback had kept

you fit. You must excel at your

Football tryouts. They expect

you to fail. I'm sure, however, you'll prove them very wrong.

One small detail, which I'll mention

here: You have some makeup work to do to keep you on track for early graduation. If you

pursue it diligently this summer, you won't have to play catch-up in the fall. By the way, your father and I have sent applications to all the colleges on our list.

All you have to do is maintain

Your GPA and, of course, score

well on your entrance exams.

Not really much more to say except to let you know Cara

has already been accepted at Stanford. You can do as well.

After all, you're her twin. Mom.

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637

Same Old Mom

Same ugly comparisons between Cara and me. Same expectations, and what did she mean, "on
our
list"?

Sean interrupts my reverie.
Okay, you two, break it up.
He means Vanessa and Tony, and when I glance their way

I catch the end of a kiss. Another slap of jealousy catches me off guard, jerks my head in the other direction.

My eyes fall to the paper clutched in my hands. I can't remember one time my mom's lips touched a part of my face.

Surely not my own lips--shades of incest. But neither did she ever kiss my cheek or even my forehead. Oh, to be blessed 633

638

by a kiss like the one I just witnessed. I'd trade every kiss

I've stolen for one, given like that. Who could have guessed

such a thing would happen between Vanessa and Tony--

two fractured people, healed

(perhaps) by unforeseen, not to mention unlikely, love. I'm more than jealous. I'm downright covetous. I can't think about it anymore.

Can't think about Cara, Stanford, football. Can't think about my

parents, grades, test scores. Can't

think about any of that at all. 634

639

I Fold the Letter

Into a perfect paper airplane, take a walk under sequined night sky; try to silence the chatter in my brain.

The sound of cheerful voices drifts toward me from camp. Their letters are tucked into pockets and sleeping bags, gifts.

Rewards for accomplishments and, with any luck at all, change. But nothing has changed for me. I'll go home to the same grand

house in the same manicured neighborhood. (Except for the new

neighbors at the end of the block.

Exorcism, "for my own good.")

I'll go home to expectations no way I can live up to, no longer want to. But I've never had a say about my future. 635

640

I close my eyes, and all I can see is my mother's face. Sculpted. Beautiful. Angry. So often angry.

And I am so much like her. A grenade of my own anger explodes inside my head. I am damaged. Decayed.

A gust of wind roughs up my hair. The paper airplane

sits heavy in my hand. I cock

back my arm, release, let it fly

straight to hell.

641

Swim Up into Morning

And thoughts of Vanessa, reaching up to kiss me. I sit up, look for her, but she's nowhere in sight, and a strange jolt of worry strikes.

"Come on, Tony," I tell myself. "She's just off for her morning..." Finishing the thought seems voyeuristic. What's up with me?

Hey, you.
Vanessa's voice sneaks over my shoulder, settles softly in my ear.
Did you know you snore?
She moves around in front of me, eyes lifting to mine. 637

642

"Me? Snore? You must have me confused with someone else!" I answer the shake of her head with a smile. "Well, why were you listening, anyway?"

I couldn
'
t sleep. I kept thinking about this guy and how good a kisser he was and how much I wanted to kiss him again. Even if he did snore.

God, I love her. She is just the most incredible person I've ever known. Funny. Smart. Pretty. One day, very soon, I want to do more than kiss her. 638

643

But Right Now

Everyone's staring, like they're reading my mind or something. I excuse myself for my own a.m. stroll. I return to gossip and breakfast, in that order.

Lori
'
s mom and dad are getting back together,
Dahlia informs us all.

It was my fault they broke up in the first place,
Lori explains.
No pressure there!

Justin launches a sermon.
Just give it to the Lord, He
'
ll see you through.

Hey, Raven,
calls Dahlia.
Any candy bars left? I love chocolate for breakfast!
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644

Blah, blah, blah. Only Conner is quiet. Sulky. Pissed, even. The look on his face is hard to decipher. But I'm guessing his letter was less than inspirational.

"Hey, Conner," I call. "Don't tell me my snoring kept you awake too!" I expect a grin. A finger. Something. But he just sits there.

Half of me wants to go over and hug him. The other half wants to shake him. Both halves agree he wants to be left alone. 640

645

Both Halves Decide

To leave Conner alone. Anyway, it's time to start off the day with a delicious MRE and a cup of black coffee. The breakfast of warriors.

Okay, listen up,
Raven barks.
You all dida fantastic job yesterday. I think you
'
ve all got the hang of climbing, so to speak. Tomorrow

we
'
ll explore the cave I told you about. You
'
ll have to rappel a long way down into a very dark cavern. Then you
'
ll have to climb back up out.

Before we can trust you to do that, we want to test your skills.
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646

Today we
'
ll practice on some very tall, very steep granite walls.

It is imperative that you double-check your equipment and knots before you begin your ascent. I
'
ll take lead today. Sean will hang

out below. Be sure to have him inspect your ropes before you start to climb. We don
'
t want to have to scrape what
'
s left of you off the rocks.
642

647

Watching Raven

Climb gives me the chills. She works and works for holds in the megalithic wall, fixes protection at strategic points along the way. Up. Up. Up. Makes me dizzy, just looking up that high. So why am I so excited, knowing my turn is coming?

If you smile any wider,
you
'
re going to crack

your face right in half

Tony drapes an arm around my shoulder.

You really like this stuff

don
'
t you?

"Yeah. And it definitely surprises me. I've never been much of a thrill seeker..." Except in my manic phases. And the thrills I sought were nothing like this. 643