Impulse (20 page)

But conquering flint and steel gives me a kind of primal satisfaction. So far only Conner, Dahlia, and I have figured out how to do it.

Vanessa comes over, gives me a high five.
Way to go, Tony. If I ever decide to go camping again, I
'
ll invite you to come.
549

554

"Promise? Maybe we could bring along a sleeping bag for two. It would have to be a whole lot warmer than these half-ass units."

No doubt about that.
She sits beside me, real close, and for about the thousandth time, I'm amazed at how she makes me feel.

As inconspicuously as possible, I slide my arm around her waist, put my mouth against her ear. "I don't ever want to lose you." 550

555

Losing Her

Would snuff the light out of my life--a light I never believed I could find again after Phillip died. Yet here it is, sitting right next to me.

Shit. Damn. Fuck.
On the far side of the flames, Dahlia is working her hiking boots off swollen feet.
Check out this blister!

Raven moves into paramedic mode, rushing to Dahlia's side as if she's having a baby or something. She pokes and prods.

556

It
'
s ugly, all right. Vanessa,
get the
first aid kit. First,
we
need some rubbing alcohol. Okay, this is going to hurt a little...

Quit screaming. It can
'
t hurt that bad! Now, use this ointment. Dab it all over
the
blister, then leave it exposed.

Dahlia keeps yelling.
You want me to go barefoot? I
'
ll freeze. A blister like that needs air. Later we
'
ll fix you up with a moleskin.
552

557

Dahlia Bitches Until Bedtime

I could kick her ass, but not because she's causing a major scene over a minor problem, making a mountain (ha-

ha) out of a moleskin.

No, I'd like to wring her scrawny neck for taking Vanessa from my side to go play nurse's aide. I can still feel the warmth of her.

I settle into my sleeping bag, wondering at this change that has come over me. Not only do I love Vanessa, I think I want to make love to her. 553

558

Next to me, as if reading

my mind, Conner says,
You
'
re really in love with her, aren
'
t you? Do you want to be with her...
I mean...you know?

I keep my voice very low. "I'm really in love with her, yes. She makes me feel like no one ever has. As for the rest, maybe."

I think you should. You told me once you weren
'
t really sure who you are. Being with Vanessa might answer that question for you.

It just might. 554

559

It's All So Weird

How things are turning out. A month ago I was hot after Conner. And he wanted me, I know he did. But that has all grown very cool, and it's not because of the weather. I mean, I still love him. But it's not the "hot for his bod" love I felt before, and now I want to save him. Why do I think Mr. Exceptional needs saving?

A month ago I thought Tony needed saving. But I don't think so now. And now, God help me, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Tony. Not only that, but I'm very sure he's in love with me. Grandma once told me it's easy to overthink love, to dissect and question it until it is no more. 55

560

I'm trying very hard not to do that at this moment.

But the night holds many questions.

On the far side of the shelter, Conner and Tony are whispering, and I get the definite feeling they're whispering about me. I'd like to crawl over, burrow between them, fall asleep listening to them whisper about me.

561

Up at Dawn

I grab the little shovel and my roll of biodegradable

t.p. and head out into the brush, hoping for some private time before everyone else gets up and notices where I've gone. Talk about embarrassing! Privacy is hard to come by, with everyone in such close proximity to everyone else.

As the sun creeps higher, the sky goes from gray to vicious blue. Cold. Clear. Perfect blue. And it hits me that blue has never

seemed so beautiful. And it hits me even harder that I have not felt so good--so

well--in a long, long time. I've only thought about steel--

sharp and real--once or twice in the last few days. 557

562

When I get back to camp,

Tony finds me.
Morning.

Conner says we
'
re facing

some major challenge today.

"Other than Dahlia griping about her feet?"

Much bigger than that, although the blister may

make it even more

challenging for her, I guess.

"So what is this major challenge? 'Walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon?"

The Grand Canyon is in Arizona. But you
'
re close.
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563

Before Long

Sean lays out all the details of our first real test.

Today we
'
re going to have

some fun, crossing this little

ol
'
canyon on a rope bridge.

It
'
s not so difficult, unless you happen to have a problem with heights.

I don't
think
I have a problem with heights. Still, "How high is 'high'?"

Around a hundred and
fifty feet, says Raven.

Think of a fifteen-story

building, and you
'
re close.

"And how far across do we have to go?"

Thirty yards. Not
so far, really. But you

do need to understand the technique.
559

564

Fifteen minutes later we have a basic idea of how to cross a gorge on a network of ropes, strung at least a decade ago by a bunch of Boy Scouts.

I sure hope they earned their merit badges that day!

(You do have to do things

right to get a merit badge, don't you?) I also hope they

used rope with a minimum

ten-year warranty. As we pack up and head out, a sensuous shiver of fear works its way up my spine.

565

Four Miles

To the gorge, we hike single file. The buzz is constant. Dahlia:
My blister is killing

me. I have to sit down awhile.

Tony:
I wish that damn blister would hurry and finish you off.
Justin:
If I were you, Dahlia,

I
'
d worry about infection.

Lori:
Jeez, Justin, don
'
t tell her that. She
'
ll bitch and moan all day.
Vanessa:
Ain
'
t that the truth? Guess we
'
ll just have to ditch her.

Just after lunch, we crest a small rise, and there in the scrub is a band of mustangs. The stallion snorts in surprise, but for a short moment we all freeze, humans checking out horses and vice versa. Then Lori happens to sneeze. 561

566

With a flick of his black tail, the stallion raises an alarm and charges off to the east, trailed by a battalion of mares.

Dahlia forgets her blister.
Oh! My! God! Did you see that?
Tony delivers his usual banter.
No, D, we
'
re all blind.

Vanessa scoots up beside him.
Weren
'
t they just gorgeous? Not nearly as gorgeous as you,
Tony answers.
But close, okay.
562

567

We Reach a Place

Where winter runoff has carved a fast stream through the rock. It plunges down the mountain with a huge blast of noise.

Over the creek, not very high, is a rope contraption, maybe ten feet across and flimsy. Do they really call this a "bridge?"

It consists of a single thick cable to walk on and two chest high "sides" made of crisscrossed ropes. It looks totally unstable!

Sean doesn't give us a chance to think about it too long.

The trick to crossing is keeping

your hands and fret in sync.

Point your toes to the side, walk on the arches of your

feet. Reach with your hands, move your fret, try not to rock
563

568

from side to side or you
'
ll

lose your balance. If you keep

your eyes straight ahead and use common sense, you
'
ll be fine.

Sean demonstrates the proper

technique, crossing easily.

Okay, who c going first? Come

on. We don
'
t have all week.

We glance back and forth among us, no one especially wanting to step up to the plate. I'm not real keen on it myself, but what the hell? "I'm game." Safety first, Raven decks me out with a harness and helmet. What's the worst that could happen? 564

569

Feet Pointed Sideways

Walking on my arches, eyes straight ahead, I find a good hand/foot rhythm. Even so, once or twice I shift my weight

too quickly, making the ropes creak and sway. A wave of vertigo descends. I feel nauseous. Weary. Weak.

Keep going, Conner. You
'
re doing great,
encourages Sean. Water rushes beneath me, spewing foam. I want to spew too, but that would necessitate moving. "I can't."
Sure you can. You
'
re almost there now. It
'
s a straight shot.

A gush of anger engulfs my brain. For some reason, I want to grab the guy
by
the throat, squeeze, cause him pain. 555

570

Not sure why I feel that way, but for whatever reason, it puts my feet in motion--slow

motion, over the water's roar.

Everyone cheers, including Sean, so I guess I won't choke

him just yet. Anyway, with my

success, the anger has vanished.

One by one, the others cross without serious incident. No one says a word about my moment of doubt, except

Tony. 566

571

Never Thought I'd See

Conner look so scared. He's always completely in control--of himself and everyone else. But he just about lost it back there. I swear, he looked like death. No one wants to talk to him about it, hut someone really should, and seeing as how I'm his designated buddy, I guess that someone is me.

"Hey, man. You okay? Jeez, I thought I was going to have to rescue you, and I'm pretty damn sure that was not a rope for two." 557

572

I expect a witty comeback.

Instead, he says,
I
'
m not sure what happened. It isn
'
t like I
'
ve ever been bothered by heights. But I got really dizzy.

I've got a pretty good idea what's to blame. Just don't know if I should say something. On the other hand, we have a more daunting

challenge, just ahead. "
You
haven't really slept so well lately, have you? I mean, since you've been off your meds." 558

573

Now I Expect Denial

But I don't get that, either.
I had to
quit
them, Tony. They made me feel like a total loser geek.
"
Up
"
all day, drop down at night, until I wasn
'
t sure just where I was supposed to be anymore. How can I ever feel normal, propped up (or down) by pharmaceuticals?

In a way, I have to agree. "I know what you mean. Someday I'll have to quit them too. But was this really the best time to do it?" 569

574

in hindsight, probably not. But I made my decision, and I plan to stick to it. It will either kill me or heal me. Let
'
s hope for the latter

As we start off again, I'm more worried than ever about Conner. Part of me screams that I should tell Sean or Raven, rat him Out for his own good.

Another part insists I should keep my big mouth shut. It should be Conner's decision, as long as he isn't in danger. He isn't, is he? 570

575

We Hike for Another Hour

And now we're facing the gorge--a huge chasm between two stone walls, over a hundred feet high, and we're standing at the top of one of them.

To get to the top of the other one, we'll have to cross via a rope bridge. It's a lot more substantial than the macrame across the creek. This one has two

narrow boards for our feet. But if it happens to swing, I suspect we'll all feel about like Conner did, stuck out in the middle, nothing 571

576

but air beneath our feet. Speaking of Conner, he looks okay for the moment, stable, if just a little pale. "You cool, Conner?"

I
'
ll be okay. And hey, f I get stuck halfway, refuse to go farther do me a favor and give me a push, okay? Not forward. Over the side.

At least his sense of humor is back. "You got it, buddy. Over the side it is." Still worried, I barely listen to Raven, giving

us instructions. 572

577

Never Knew

I was tentative about heights. Of course, I've never really put myself to this kind of test before. Hiking the Rim Trail, we were up high, but there was plenty of ground beneath our feet. Nothing under us here but a long way down.

No way you can fall,

Raven tells us.
You
'
ll be in safety harnesses, tied off to Sean or me. The main

thing to remember is to keep

moving. Stop in the middle and look down, things

might get dicey. Okay, once again, who c first?