Impulse (24 page)

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"...I like to ski--wide, groomed

runs. Not trees. Not bumps. I like to mountain bike--ride a chair lift up, coast down. I'm not an athlete. Not even close. This is really hard. But I love it."

I just hope it isn't mania talking. But it doesn't feel that way. In fact, for the first

time in a very long time, I feel completely grounded. Except, of course, when I'm climbing. 644

649

Since Sean's Going Last

He buddies Tony with Justin. Tony takes lead, and I watch him climb, confident and strong. Funny, I never noticed how fit he was until the Challenge. He never complains, never makes excuses. He just accomplishes.

Sean calls,
Come on, Vanessa.

You and Dahlia go next.

Let
'
s go over your equipment.
He tests

my harness, helmet, ropes.

Hold on a minute. Check

this out. See how you
'
ve

got your rope over the gate of the carabiner? That
'
s

called back clipping. Put

any stress at all on the
'
biner

it
'
s liable to pop open and let the rope slide out.

Could be ugly.
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With everything adjusted correctly, it's my turn to climb. "Do you want lead?" I ask Dahlia.

You crazy, man? Lead is dangerous, and this wall is insane. You go first.

If you can make it, so can I.

I follow Raven's route, clipping onto the anchors she has already placed in the rocks. Looking up, I see Tony, measuring my every move, nodding to let me know I'm looking good.

And feeling great. 646

651

I Reach the Top

Swing a leg over, and here I am, thousands of feet above the playa floor. I can see forever up here, and it makes me feel just about invincible.

Tony runs over, picks

me up, swings me in circles.
Isn
'
t this awesome? No

wonder you like this sport.

We
'
ll have to do it again

once we
'
re out of here.

He slows, puts me down.

Gets very serious.
I will still see you once

we
'
re out of here, won
'
t I?

Everything has been day-

to-day, and I haven't really, truly thought about what it will be like once we put Aspen Springs behind us. 47 647

652

But one thing's for sure. "Of course you'll see me. Maybe even more of me than you'll want to. I'm the tiniest bit obsessive about the people I love."

Good. We
'
re on the same

page. I don
'
t really know

where I
'
ll go or what I
'
ll

do when I
'
m
'
free.
"

All I know is my life would

be empty without you in it.

I look into his eyes, and what I find there fills me with hope. He knows all my secrets, even the worst of them. Despite everything, he still

loves me. 648

653

God, I'm Tired

I can barely pull myself to my feet, let alone up a hundred-foot rock wall. Sleep-- deep sleep--would be so sweet.

I'm the last to go, and Sean

wants me to take lead.
You

can do it. Just clip onto the anchors before you pull

yourself up. If those petite

girls can handle it, you can

handle it better It
's
all up
to you, man. Get climb in
'
.

I stand at the bottom, looking up at where the others wait. I feel like the idiot kid who can't say no to a dare.

Fuck it. What do I have to lose? The first anchor is maybe eight feet up. I study the rock face, choose the best 649

654

way to reach the anchor, clip on, and pull. My fingers ache and I think my knuckles will swell later. This is bullshit.

But then, my entire life is bullshit. The best things in it have vanished, ghosts. Ghosts I'll admit I created.

The rope holding me in place creaks, stressed by my weight.
Keep going, buddy,
yells Sean.
You can rest when you get to the top.

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Keep Going

That's exactly what I tell myself. "Keep going, loser." I'll never be anything else. I step on a narrow rock shelf and it crumbles, making me scramble for a foothold. I find one, push up, smash my

knee into a jut of granite.

Way to go, faggot.
The voice I hear belongs to my father.
Get hold of yourself You
'
ll never make first string like that.
Fear of failure impels me toward the top, as it pushed me toward the goal line so many times before. I don't dare stop.

Don't dare drop the ball. Don't

dare finish second.
We only want what
'
s best for you, so spare me your whining. Why
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can
'
t you be like Cara? She never loses.
Cara is smarter. Cuter. More talented. I will forever ride in her backseat.

Well, they
'
re
fraternal
twins, you

see.
Now the voice is my mom's.

I want to shut her up, but I know she won't be silenced.

I reach up for a handhold, find I'm almost to the top. And still the home movies rewind... replay... rewind.

Of course I
'
m proud of Conner. It
'
s just...
he
'
s not his sister.
With a burst of energy, I thrust myself up and over. 652

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Standing Here

My entire world far beneath my feet, I should be filled with pride. Instead, I feel overwhelmed by a sense of defeat.

Suddenly it comes to me, toes tempted to test the ledge, that there is a way out of this.

Calm surety flows through my veins, and as I turn to wave

good-bye, I wonder if it will hurt or if a single person will cry at my funeral.

I take a deep breath, a final taste of sweet mountain air. I conjure Leona, Emily. Move my feet closer. Closer.

There's Grandma One, Grandma Two, and their spouses, waiting for me. I see Dad. Cara. Mommy. I screw up my courage, step over... 653

658

Raven Screams

Conner; no! Mary, holy mother of God.
And then she runs.

Conner? What happened to Conner? We follow Raven to the cliff's edge. One glance over the side tells a simple story, one I refuse to believe.

"Quick! Someone belay me. I'll go get him. Call 911. Maybe there's still time to save him. Will somebody please help me? I've got to get down to him!"

Raven just stands, two-way in hand.
Sean
'
s almost up to him. But no one, no one could survive that fall.
Within seconds, her radio spits the expected news. 654

659

Guilt balloons inside me, shoves me to my knees. "Oh God, no. It's not true!"

Gentle arms tuck me in.
Stop, Tony. He
'
s gone.
Vanessa's tear-dampened kisses cover my face.
Oh! I can
'
t believe he
'
d do such a horrible thing.

"I can. And I could have prevented it. It's all my fault, Vanessa. I knew." I push her away, turn my head to one side. My vomit tastes like death. 655

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Raven Calls for Rescue

Care Flight isn't far away, at least not as the crow (or 'copter) flies. But rather than wait, we opt to climb down. We have to go past Conner.

Part of me doesn't want to look. Most of me has to. He's splayed on a big boulder. His spirit, or whatever was inside, is definitely somewhere

else. All that's left is his broken shell. His eyes are open, as if he couldn't let go of the very last thing he saw. I wonder what it was. Heaven? 656

661

He's smiling, and one hand is extended. Did someone come for him, take his hand, and walk him across that border, into the ultimate frontier?

Some churches say suicide denies him that comfort. But could a true and loving God turn His back on such a tortured soul? Wouldn't the Ultimate Tribunal consider extenuating circumstances? Will it consider them for me? "Please, Father. Please, Conner. Forgive me." 657

662

The "Rescue"

Isn't much of a rescue, of course. They can take their time, and they do. We gather at the base of the hill, watch the crew's efforts.

Another time, another body, it might be interesting, how they lower a sled from the top, gentle the remains into a polyurethane bag, zip...

But those remains belong to my friend. I haven't had many of those. Now this one is gone. Forever.

I should cry, want to cry. All I can do is feel ice cold. 658

663

Vanessa and I huddle together, searching for comfort in each other's touch. "Why couldn't he just talk to me, Vanessa?"

He did talk to you, Tony. I think you were the only person he could talk to at all. In the long run, maybe that wasn
'
t enough. But this wasn
'
t your fault.

"I knew he'd quit taking his meds, knew how depressed he seemed. I never said a word. And that will haunt me for the rest of my life."

Maybe even longer. 659

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Care Flight Lifts Off

And in its wake, seven people seem unable to move, stunned into silent shock.

Finally Sean decides,

Let
'
s go back to camp.

Aspen Springs will send

transport, but it will take a while to get here.

We walk slowly, trying to absorb what has happened. Everyone deals with the loss in different, personalized ways.

Sean and Raven discuss the possible fallout.
I knew
he was struggling,
Sean

says.
But when I talked to him, he seemed okay.

He said he was just tired.

Did I push him too hard?
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Damn, what a waste!
Dahlia tells Lori, who agrees,
That boy was fine.
Justin just prays.

Tony holds on to my hand like if he let go, I might dash over a cliff too. I know he needs me more than ever. The responsibility is daunting, and I think about a kiss from my steel lover, knowing I have to find a way to leave it far behind me.

Do you think Conner
'
s parents

know yet?
asks Tony.

"I'm sure they must."

Do you think they care?
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The Question
Takes me by surprise.

"Of course they care." They have to, don't they? "Why would you ask such a question?"

I was just thinking about who would care

if I killed myself I never

thought about anyone else

when I tried before.

Of course, I didn
'
t really

have anyone to think about then. Ma was gone, not that she would have

given a fraction of a damn.

Phillip was gone, and Pa was just a memory.

He stops walking, pulls

me tight against his chest.

And I didn
'
t know you.

Would you care, really care?
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I reach my arms up around his neck, pull his face down, lock his eyes with mine. "Yes, Tony. I would really care. Losing you would kill a part of me--the part that has learned what love really is."

And what is that?

"You." This time when we kiss, I feel it in the pit of my stomach, I feel it in my heart. And I realize love isn't about sex. It's about connection. 663

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Camp Feels Empty

While we wait for transportation to carry us out of this place, Tony and I take a walk. It's a perfect spring day on a hill above the Black Rock Desert. "This was an island once, you know, when the playa was underwater. Can you believe all that desert was once a giant lake?"

Tony stares out at the ocean of sage and bitterbrush.

It is hard to believe that something that seems so permanent was once
so diff
e
rent. Change. I guess that really is one

thing you can count on...

He is quiet for several

minutes. Finally he says,

I just ca
'
t figure out why.
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I mean, I can understand

why someone like me

would think suicide was the only way out. But

Conner had it all--he was great looking, smart, rich. He had

everything to live for

So, why...

A breeze blows up, touching my cheek like a little child's kiss. It flutters a piece of paper, lodged in the sage. "Trash, out here? Must belong to one of us."

We move closer, and when I reach for it, I find... 665

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...a perfect paper airplane.

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DON'T MISS Ellen Hopkins's

IDENTICAL

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Raeanne

Mirror, Mirror

When look into a mirror, it is her face I see. Her right is my left, double

moles, dimple and all.

My right is her left, unblemished.

We are exact opposites, Kaeleigh and me. Mirror-image identical