Imperfectly Perfect (14 page)

"Ah, but you failed to notice that Emma just walked in," The bartender placed a Jägerbomb in front of me and I immediately sucked it back, "with good old Bradley."

Tyler glanced over my shoulder to see Emma walking towards us with a huge smile on her face. She was as happy as a clam, with no clue of the pain she was inflicting. Tyler quickly directed his attention back to me.

"Try and keep yourself in check man," he sputtered, just before Emma placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Hey guys. Bradley stopped by to watch a movie, but we thought we'd join you instead." She slid into the barstool on the other side of me, "I hope that's okay."

I motioned for the bar tender again, "Of course it's okay Em." I cleared my throat, in the vain hope that it would clear my head. I'm pretty sure that I had started to slur my words already. Nothing good was going to come of this.

An hour later and Tyler was dragging me from the bar. Of course Emma and Bradley followed closely behind. I realized that I could hardly walk. Propped up against Tyler's side we stumbled along the sidewalk. Each time I tripped I muttered a different profanity.

"God damn it Shane," Tyler mumbled, struggling to steady my limp body.

"I'm sorry Ty," I hiccupped, "I've made a mess."

Emma giggled in the background, obviously not sensing the deeper issue.

"Shaney Boy can't hold the liquor," she teased as she skipped passed us with Bradley in tow.

I watched as she walked by with Bradley, looking happier than I had seen her in a long time. I wanted not to care but I did. I felt my body slump just a bit more. Defeated, we walked in silence the rest of the way to the apartment. Rob and Emma were already there talking while Mr. Wonderful was pawing though our fridge, as we walked in. Tyler helped me to the futon where I fell with a thud.

"Well there," Rob reached down and ruffled my hair, "you've really tied one on tonight, haven't you?"

The truth was that I couldn't remember the last time I had been this drunk. Rob and Emma thought it was hysterical, while Tyler seemed concerned as he peered at me from across the room.

"I'm fine," I murmured as my eyes opened and shut involuntarily, "just leave me alone."

"Okay guys, let's go to bed," Tyler said.

Rob quickly ditched to his room but Tyler and Emma lingered.

"Do you want me to lock up Em?" he asked. Both of us knew Emma well enough to know that she wouldn't be able to ignore me on the futon. She was a woman, and she couldn't fight her mothering instinct.

"No, I'll take care of it," she answered. "Bradley, go ahead up to my room. I'll be right there."

My eyes opened just in time to watch as Bradley cupped her face with his hands and placed a passionate kiss on her lips. I groaned, hopefully everyone thought I was having a case of the spins. I didn't know how much more abuse to my ego I could take before cracking. Bradley pulled away while staring intently into Emma's eyes. He turned on his heels and stalked past me up to her room. I squeezed my eyes shut again, the booze was relentless.

"Night Em," Tyler called as he started following Bradley up the stairs.

"Night Ty."

"Take these, and drink this," Emma passed me three Advil and a glass of ice water.

I quickly obliged.

She grabbed a pillow and placed it under my head helping me lay back. I kicked off my shoes and lifted my feet on to the futon.

"No silly," she grabbed my left foot and firmly planted it on the ground; "you always keep one on the floor."

"Ah," I laughed, "yes Sensei."

I closed my eyes and fell into a rhythmic breathing. I was trying to pass out before I did something stupid. My senses were heightened despite the alcohol, and my mind appeared to be doing everything it could to prevent my peaceful slumber. She threw an afghan over me, turned out the light, and I listened to her footsteps as she started walking away.

"Emma?" Her name escaped from my lips before I could think about what I was doing.

I could see her shadow turn in my direction. "What's up?"

"I don't know what I'd do without you," I whispered.

"You'd be cold and spinning for sure."

"No, seriously." Suddenly I was freaking out, "I can't lose you."

Concern spread over her face as she walked back towards me and fell to her knees next to the futon. My eyes started to adjust to the darkness just enough that I could make out her face. She seemed more beautiful to me now. I had always known that Emma was gorgeous, but now that my feelings for her had surfaced it was like I could finally see her clearly.

"You can't get rid of me that easy," she offered. "Friends for life, right?"

She was right. We would always be friends. But I wanted more; no, I
needed
more. She had a right to know, and make an informed decision. I know she loved me too, she just didn't realize it… yet. I needed to make her understand before it was too late; before I lost her for good.

I didn't want her to say anything else. My hands were on the back of her neck pulling her toward me. She leaned in with her ear, probably expecting a secret of some sort but instead I grabbed her cheeks with my hands and crashed my lips to hers. For a moment I forgot about everything else around me. It was just Emma and I. But before I could truly enjoy the moment she pulled back and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Well that's a first." She quipped as she stood up. I knew that she was confused because in all the years we had been friends, neither of us had ever gone there. I knew that Emma and Tyler had tried to make a go of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing when they were in middle school, but it was awkward and only lasted a week. "You are super drunk," she muttered, "so let's just pretend that that didn't happen."

I quickly closed my eyes and tried calming myself before I started to speak. I didn't want my emotions to get the best of me as I tried to explain myself. My mind wasn't working properly and I hated myself for it.

She whispered "Night Shane," and was gone before I could say anything else.

I laid there on that crummy futon kicking myself in the ass. I'd gone and complicated things even more than they already were. My lips pressed to hers had only increased my feelings tenfold. I loathed drunken Shane; he was an idiot. As if reminding me of my current inebriated state, the room began to spin again. I considered walking myself to my room when I heard a door open. I could vaguely hear Emma and Bradley; it didn't sound good.

"Don't go," Emma pleaded. My stomach flopped, and I hoped they weren't arguing about me.

My worries were confirmed as Bradley delivered his parting shot, "They can be friends," he spat, "until one of them falls in love with the other."

I heard Emma's door slam shut and heavy footsteps descend the staircase. Bradley was making his way out for the night. I wanted to keep my mouth shut, truly I did, but the Jägermeister took control again and before I knew it I was spewing off nonsense as he tried to make a quiet escape.

"What did you say?" he stopped as he reached the front door.

I laughed, "I said you're an idiot."

"You've got a lot of nerve..."

"Listen," I interjected, "anyone who walks away from that woman is an imbecile; but if you want to..."

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" He seethed as his eyes burned on me.

"Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't," the alcohol giving me confidence again, "but you're a prick. I know what you are, and I only tolerate you to make Em happy. So I'd tread lightly if I were you."

"Whatever, asshole. You just remember who she
wanted
to kiss tonight"

My heart sank because he was right. I had no claim over Emma anymore.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. I didn't have to throw myself on her to get her lips on mine. If I wanted, I could go back up those stairs and she wouldn't think twice about having me between her sheets. You're the loser for sitting back and letting her slip away. Now back the fuck off." He paused and opened the door. "She's mine now." He laughed and slid out into the hallway.

The room was spinning faster by that point. I had truly fucked things up now. The darkness pressed harder down on me, and finally I succumbed.

The sunlight streamed through the window, causing the thumping in my head to increase ten-fold. I groaned as I sat up on the futon. I must have moved too quickly because I immediately felt the room spin and my stomach churned in protest.

My night was a blur; a Swiss cheese memory. The condo was quiet so I guessed everyone else must still be asleep. I thanked God for that since I wasn't ready to hash out the previous night's events. I tried to remember whatever I could and it slowly came back to me in pieces; my hopeless attempt at trying to move on, Emma and Bradley's public displays of affection, and lots and lots of alcohol. The last thing I clearly remembered was plopping down onto the futon. From there on it was fuzzy. I strained to think about what had happened. The memory slowly invaded me and I gasped as the flash of my lips on Emma's came into my mind; quickly followed by my verbal banter with Bradley.

Had I really kissed her? It seemed like a dream. I remember feeling petrified of losing her, but did I take it that far? Did I cross that line? Surely she would call me out on it if I had… wouldn't she?

I sat quietly alone with my thoughts when I saw her appear at the top of the stairs. She smiled down at me and I felt relieved that she wasn't pissed. Maybe it had been a dream after all.

"Good morning!" she quipped as she slowly ascended the stairs. "How're you feeling?"

"Urgh, don't even go there."

"Yeah," she spoke softly as she sat next to me. "You were obviously outta your mind." She shared a look with me and I knew what she was getting at.

"Fuck," I moaned, "it wasn't a dream was it?"

She shook her head. "You can't do that shit again Shane. Bradley went off his nut and stormed out of here when I told him. I spent the rest of the night on the phone with him trying to explain that we aren't like that."

I waited for it. Expecting her to give to me about being a dick to Bradley, but it didn't come. He obviously hadn't shared that with her. I sighed, defeated. I hadn't expected for her to be happy about our kiss but her irritation with me still hurt. "Yeah, I don't know what that was all about. I'm sorry Em."

"Shit happens," she said carelessly as she stood from the futon. She didn't understand the deeper issues to my indiscretion, so to her it really was 'no big deal'. "Want me to grab you some Starbucks?"

"Yeah, that would be great Em. Thanks."

I watched her leave and I promised myself that I would never put my shit on her again. Emma didn't need me stirring her pot. I would be whatever she wanted me to be no matter how much it hurt.

It was Christmas in the city, and to me there was nothing more magical. The trees and storefronts decorated with millions of twinkling lights and balsam fir, the crisp cold air; even the normally grumpy New Yorkers seemed to smile more. Besides, it didn't hurt that winter in general was my absolute favorite time of the year; the glistening of freshly fallen snow always made me feel like a kid again.

I loved Christmastime. Not because I was shallow and wanted to get presents; I just genuinely loved giving gifts. There was no greater feeling than seeing someone you love smile because you had picked out the perfect gift for them.

The thing I really looked forward to every year since we were in college, was our Ugly Sweater Party. It started as a big celebration with hundreds of people, but over the years it had morphed into something just for the four of us. We would decorate the condo by trimming our artificial spruce tree and hanging the stockings, and then we'd get some spiked eggnog, throw on the ugliest Christmas sweater we could find, and exchange our gifts.

We celebrated on December twenty second since the guys always travelled home on the twenty third. The best thing for me about Christmas time wasn't going home for the holidays; it was our pre-holiday celebration. I only went home every other year and since I had just travelled back for the anniversary party, it gave me a good excuse to miss a second year.