If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)
Read If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) Online
Authors: C.A. Johnson
By
C.A.
Johnson
Kindle
Edition
Copyright
© 2015 by C.A. Johnson
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rights reserved
Published
by C.A. Johnson
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Design by C.A. Johnson
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reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced, stored in or
introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the
prior written permission of the copyright owner, except in the case of brief
quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
This book is a
work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents are products of the
author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as
real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Perri
Milan is a single mother determined to protect her daughter at all costs,
especially from R&B artist, Barrington Knight, her daughter’s father. Her
way of ensuring this was to keep him in the dark about the fact that she was
carrying his child in the first place. She figured he hurt her, so now she was
going to make sure her daughter didn’t become a victim of his selfish so-called
love the way she had foolishly allowed herself to be.
Taking
time off a major world tour one year later, Barrington comes home for a couple
days only to discover Perri’s betrayal and demands his parental rights. After a
heated confrontation, Perri decides to allow Barrington to have his place in
their daughter’s life, but warns that she is not part of the equation. However,
Barrington has made it his personal mission to change her mind.
Eventually,
Perri reluctantly agrees to marry Barrington for the sake of their daughter. But
now, another woman that Barrington trusted with his life, is determined to
disrupt their happily ever after, and once again, he has to prove to Perri that
she was not wrong to trust him with her heart. But will his efforts prove to be
too little too late?
I give
thanks with a grateful heart to my Father God, without whom, I can do nothing.
To my
daughter, you are the reason I continue to put one foot in front of the other
and keep on keeping on. I love you more, baby girl!
June,
2004
“Girl,
are you sure you’re ready to take your relationship with Barrington to that
level?”
Perri
Milan laughed out loud at the shocked expression on her best friend Journey
Stillwater’s otherwise, runway model face. “Jern, don’t act so surprised; it’s
not that sudden,” she said, rolling down the window slightly until the air
conditioning in Journey’s SUV kicked in.
“If
I appear surprised, shocked even, it’s because I am, Perri.” Journey shook her
head taking furtive glances at Perri every so often trying to gage her best
friend’s level of seriousness. Yes, she knew Perri and Barrington were in love,
had been from the first time they laid eyes on each other, really, but this?
She glanced at Perri again before stating the obvious, “You only get one first
time to lose your virginity, Perri. I’m just saying.”
Perri
was grinning when she playfully rolled her eyes at her friend who seriously
sounded like she was counseling her pre-teen daughter about the dangers of
premarital sex. The only reason Perri didn’t laugh at her now was because she
knew Jern was coming from a place of concern being that she’d experienced her
own losses in the last two years; the major kind that had you turning to God or
turning into yourself for self-preservation alone. It broke her heart to watch
her friend steady choose the latter, retreating so far into her self-protective
outer shell that no one could penetrate beneath the hard encasing that Jern
tended to wear like the designer clothes she loved to shop for.
“No,”
Journey said, “don’t look at me like that, Perri. I’m fine and I don’t want
your pity. This is not about me; this is about you making a major life altering
decision that, once you cross the sexual line, you can’t uncross if it doesn’t
work out to match the plan that your mind has already formulated. If I could
have a do-over—”
“You
would still be sitting behind your wheel lecturing me about premarital sex,”
Perri interjected. “You loved Crush, I know that, Jern; truth is you still do,
every bit as much as the day you lost your heart and your virginity to him. I
respect that. You two were the real deal, Jern. Still could be, I believe.”
Journey
discreetly wiped at the tear pricking the corner of her eye and cleared her
throat. “Funny thing about love and men, Perri; they either love you or they
don’t.”
“Crush
loved you, Jern; you know this.” Perri shifted in her seat to face her friend.
“Jern, he experienced that loss too. I know you’re not trying to hear this
right now, but the truth is the truth. Don’t forget I was there that night too;
I saw how hearing you lost the baby devastated Crush. I know he wasn’t too keen
about the idea of being a father when you first told him, but he came around
within the first two weeks of knowing you were carrying his child. He was so
sorry you miscarried, mostly for you, especially for you because he knew how
much you loved and wanted that precious baby.”
Journey
sniffled as she cleared her throat again. “Been nice if he’d told me all that
himself,” she couldn’t help sounding bitter because she still was where the
only man she’d ever loved and surrendered her virginity to was concerned. Who
knew condoms could break? The first time they’d ever had sex? Who does that
happen to? Except she already knew the answer all too well. It happened to
women who took sex all too lightly, as if they were merely breaking in a new
pair of six inch designer heels. She should know. She did know. That’s exactly
why she wanted to be sure Perri knew she didn’t have to have sex with
Barrington just because it seemed the next best logical level to move their relationship
to.
“Jern,
I can’t begin to say what Crush was feeling that he didn’t voice into words to
you. All I can do is tell what I observed as we sat in the maternity ward
family room waiting to hear word on you. The man wore a hole in my nerves with
all the pacing back and forth he was doing. Jern, when I first got there he was
sitting slumped forward with his head in his hands and his body was trembling,
and then I heard the muffled sobs he was trying to stifle. He was the only one
in the family room at the time; I didn’t want to strip him of his dignity, so I
left him in there alone and waited outside the room until I saw him get his
bearings together. When I finally walked in to take up the seat beside him, he
didn’t say anything; neither did I. He grabbed my hand and when our eyes met I
saw the sorrow and torment in his red-rimmed greenish gray eyes. That was no
act that broken man was displaying. Crush loves you, Jern.”
On
a deep sigh of relief, Journey said, “Thank you for telling me, Perri. Maybe I
can finally find some closure with that unfinished chapter of my life.”
Changing the subject back to where it should never have veered from, she said,
“I just want you to promise me that you will talk about your decision with
Barrington before you guys actually move forward with your plan, Perri.”
“I
promise, Jern; however, I don’t see Barrington having a problem with it. We’ve
been best friends for two years, exclusively involved for a year and a half of
that time; he’s the love of my life and even though we haven’t actually made
the love declaration to each other, I feel safe and confident in saying
Barrington loves me too. Every time he sends his Lear jet to fly me out or he
flies in unannounced to see me, he shows me all his love with the little things
he does for me, and even if I couldn’t see it in his beautiful yellow-green
eyes, his actions alone tell me all I need to know. Barrington loves me and I
don’t doubt him for a moment. I love that man like nobody’s business. We’ve
done everything remotely connected with sex except actual penetration.”
“So
you’ve had oral sex with Barrington?” Journey asked point blank.
Perri
felt heat infuse her entire face. “Not in the slightest.”
Journey
laughed because she knew Perri had no idea what she was contemplating entering
into with her schoolgirl fantasy of how sex
should
work. “Perri,” she
glanced at her friend, “you’re not ready. You got offended because I asked you
if you two have had oral sex; and I only asked you the question because
you
said the two of you have done everything connected with sex save the actual act
in itself. Now, I’m being honest and telling you, honey, there is more to sex
than the whitewash painting you just depicted for me. It is a world of
difference between mild and meek chaste make-out sessions, and steamy, drop
your panties make-out sessions; and still yet, actual penetration when you go
all the way. Then there is an even bigger difference between a good feeling and
an actual mind blowing orgasm. Have you had your first climax when you and
Barrington were busy fooling around in
your
version of hot and heavy?”
“Well,
I don’t know, Jern. Maybe . . . I guess.” Perri had no idea what she was
talking about. “I mean, Barrington uses his fingers inside me,” she said,
embarrassed at how her inept ability must sound, “and it does feel wonderfully
delightful and I feel like I want to just die from the pleasure, and then I
tense up because I start feeling like I’m gonna lose myself,” she tried to
explain.
Laughing
at her friend’s naïve innocence, Journey declared, “You’re not ready, Perri. Trust
me when I say you would know if you’d had your first orgasm, and you’d be
climbing all over Barrington to get to have plenty, many more. And do yourself
a favor next time you experience that loss of control feeling; relax your
muscles, let go of your inhibitions and go with it, and you will have your
first orgasm.” Journey shook her head firmly two times. “In the meantime, Perri,
you’re not ready.”
Yeah,
every time it happened, Barrington had told her to relax her body and muscles
too; she just had been too afraid of how she would respond if she had to listen
to him and just let herself go and ride the wave as he phrased it. Perri
sighed, determined to maintain her high. “That’s your observation, Jern. I
respect you for it. Thank you for all of your concern because I know it’s from
your heart, and I love you to pieces for it. I’m not asking you to agree with
or even to understand my decision. I’m only asking you to respect that it is my
choice and I must choose it alone. I’ve made my choice and my election is sure.
Now, I’m ready to share my physical love with Barrington, too. The fact that
he’s not expecting it is just the incentive I need to surprise my man and make
him very happy his first day back home.” Perri involuntarily shivered and
grinned without even trying to; all it took was one thought of her man and she
was instant cream of wheat. “The guys have been on the road for eight months
now; the tours about to wrap up pretty soon and my baby will be home for a
stint, and I’ll be ready with for him open arms.”
Knowing
her best friend all too well, Journey laughed. “I can see your mind is made up
and I don’t know a more mentally stubborn person than you. So I will commence
with saying, please be careful and practice safe sex. Do not let that fine ass
man near your coochie without a sleeve.”
“Done
deal,” Perri agreed, laughing out loud.
“So,”
said Journey, “have you planned out where you’re going to seduce Barrington?”
“OMG!”
Perri laughed with Jern. “I can’t believe you said that.” She laughed again.
Journey
shrugged. “Well, he knows nothing about it, and you’ve already got it planned;
that’s what seduction is, my untouched friend.”
“Wipe
that smirk off your face, girl. And don’t make me sound like a child molester.”
“Okay,
okay,” Jern conceded. “But for real, Perri, are you gonna plan it at his
mansion? You do have a key and he did invite you to stay there anytime you
want.”
This
time when Perri shivered it had nothing to do with warm and fuzzy feelings. “I
think not, Jern.”
Journey’s
face crinkled up. “What’s that about?”
Perri
cleared her throat. “Nothing, I suppose.”
“Liar,
out with it, Perri,” she said knowing there was something to the intensity of
her tone.
Perri
scratched the back of her left ear. She looked at Journey. “His house,” she
said.
“What
about it?”
“Well,
not the house per se,” she sighed because she just really didn’t feel like
discussing it.
“Exactly
what then,” Journey was not going to let her off that easy. She didn’t sound
right.
“Well,
his housekeeper stays there sometimes when Barrington is out of town for long
periods of time,” she hedged not sure she should be saying anything because it
all might be in her mind.
“Oh,”
Journey chuckled. “You worried about giving a old lady a heart stopper if she
hears you screaming at the top of your lungs—and believe me you will—from that
first mind racing orgasm Barrington’s gonna make damn sure he makes you have?”
She laughed out loud.
“Thought
you said I wasn’t ready?”
“I
did, but I didn’t say you weren’t gonna enjoy it. Don’t sidestep my original
question.”
“Well,
I can assure you it’s not an orgasm I’m concerned about.”
“Perri,”
Journey raised her voice, “why do you always make people pull things out of
you? Just tell me what about Barrington’s house makes you not want to be there
with some old lady housekeeper, already.”
“She’s
not old, Jern. She’s probably more like around Barrington’s age.”
“Okay,
you’re twenty-one and Barrington is twenty-six. So is that the problem? Do you
feel insecure because his she’s closer to his age range and you suspect she may
have a thing for her boss man? I mean, just because she’s the housekeeper
doesn’t mean she’s keeping up anything besides Barrington’s house cleaning,”
Journey stated, trying to ease her friend’s mind.
“I
don’t know her to really think anything. But she just . . . I don’t like the
way she looks at me. Like she . . . I don’t know how to describe it, but I’m
pretty sure it falls under unnatural behavior.”
“You
think she’s a lesbian?”
Perri
shook her head more than sure that wasn’t the case. “No. Just something there I
can’t quite name yet; it’s subtle when Barrington is around, but it is there
nonetheless.”
“Have
you asked Barrington any questions about his housekeeper?”
“What
do you think, Jern?”
“That
you should voice your opinion if she makes you feel uncomfortable, especially
when Barrington invited you to hang out at his home whenever you want. If this
girl has a problem with you being in his house then he needs to know so he can
man up and deal with it head-on.”
“How
you sound, Jern? I don’t even know for sure that there is anything to be dealt
with. It’s just a funny feeling I get in her presence, but I can’t go accusing
her of any wrong doing when she hasn’t even said anything out of the way to
me.”
“Yet,”
Journey interjected. “I’m saying don’t wait around to see if it goes that far.
Nip it in the bud now because if you do start having sex with Barrington he
will want you to stay at his house sometimes. I know he’s a man, but he’s not a
stupid one; he’s going to eventually pick up on negative vibes airing back and
forth between you and the little miss cleanup woman.”