If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (10 page)

Journey
laughed. “Yeah, the Lord will do that for you.”

“The
Lord?” he repeated robotically. Her comment sank in and his mouth fell open.
“You mean Perri’s . . . she’s religious now?”

Laughing,
Journey corrected, “No, not religious. Perri’s saved; about six months now. But
that’s her testimony so I’ll let her tell it.”

“Wow,”
Barrington said. “A lot has happened since I last saw her then.” He wasn’t sure
how he felt about Perri being a ‘church girl’ now. But he supposed as far as
her being the mother of his only child, having Jesus was a good thing. It just
wasn’t for him. Not that he couldn’t use some Jesus; according to his mother
everyone needed him and that was the reason why folks have an empty void that
can’t be filled unless it’s Jesus who fills it. Still, Barrington just was not
at the point of surrendering his all to someone he could not even lay his eyes
on. Regardless of his feelings he did want to hear Perri’s testimony. Who
knows? Maybe it would help draw him in.

Feeling
the need to change the subject, Journey said, “How long have you guys been home
and when are you going back on the road?”

Barrington
chuckled. “We’ve been home for two days and we’re scheduled to leave two weeks
from now; unless something comes up. You know how that goes.” He winked at her.
“Since I know you’re dying to ask about Crush, I’ll just go ahead and tell you
he’s good, too.”

Journey
sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’m not even sweating him. In fact, until you
brought him up I hadn’t thought of him in God knows when,” she lied knowing she
still had it bad for the only man she’d ever loved; but who refused to give his
heart to any woman though he gave his body to many women.

“If
you say so,” Barrington said but his grin didn’t conceal his doubts.

“I
do say so; so there.” After a beat, Journey added, “I guess Crush’s out playing
the field as we speak, huh?”

Barrington
laughed. “Do you honestly want me answer that?”

Journey
shrugged.

“Journey,
my brother’s not the cold hearted jerk you make him out to be.”

“Whatever.”

“For
that matter, I’m not the uncaring and unfeeling jerk Perri seems to think I am,
either.”

“Whatever,”
Perri said, rejoining them with Imani asleep and clinging to her much like a
second skin.

“You’re
back,” Barrington said as he watched Perri carefully place Imani in her
stroller. “I’ll strap her in since I can’t hold her again now that she’s
asleep.”

Standing
back with Journey watching Barrington with his daughter, Perri felt guilty for
keeping him in the dark about Imani in the first place. He was so good with
her; very tender and extremely caring. But the selfish part of her still didn’t
fancy the idea that now she’d have to share Imani with Barrington. For thirteen
months including the time she’d carried her in her womb it’d just been Imani
and Perri, and she didn’t want that to change. She knew Imani deserved to know
her daddy, but that didn’t make sharing her with him any easier to take.

Placing
a warm and tender kiss to Imani’s forehead, Barrington stood and just watched
her for a few more minutes. “How old is she?” He felt silly having to ask.

“Three
months as of today.”

Doing
the math in his head, Barrington took a deep breath and blew it out in an
attempt to calm his rising temper at the fact that Perri purposely kept his
daughter a secret from him and his family this long. “So she was born March
third.” There was an awkward silence between them. “You’re seriously going to
make me ask for your number and permission to come visit my daughter later on
this evening?”

“This
evening?” she repeated with a frown.

“Yes,
Perri, this evening; you’ve had Imani to yourself for the past year so I don’t
see why you should have a problem giving me equal time, though I am new and
apparently late to the equation thanks to you and your selfish attempt to claim
her all for yourself,” he jumped down her throat completely irritated and
totally fed up with her self-righteous attitude.

Perri
knew Barrington had a right to feel what he felt; still her feelings were hurt
that he thought so little of her. “That’s not fair, Barrington.”

“Fair?”
he spat the word like venom. “How fair was it of you to decide I didn’t need to
be a part of my daughter’s life?” Staring at her coldly, he announced, “Trust
me, Perri, you do not want to talk to me about fair right now. It won’t be a
pretty or pleasant conversation I can assure you. And that’s your fault, too;
for now I’m moving on. Now, about me visiting my daughter?”

Perri
swallowed back a curse and bit her tongue hard instead; counting to ten and
reminding herself that old Perri was gone and she was now a new creature in
Christ Jesus. “Just what time are you talking about this afternoon?”

Barrington
fought to control his urge to laugh out loud at her as he thought about how the
old Perri would have responded; given another time period she’d have cursed him
slap out.
Maybe there was something to this Jesus thing.
“I’m not sure
that’s why I need your number.”

Perri
rattled off the ten digits as he stored them in his cell phone. “Do you really
expect me to sit around the house waiting on you to call?”

“Perri,
please,” Barrington said and rolled his eyes. “I know you got a cell phone,
though you didn’t bother to give me that number. If you don’t want to sit at
home then give me a number where I can reach you so when I call—and I
will—we’ll go from there.”

“Whatever,”
she said and jotted down her cell number.

“Thank
you.” Barrington placed the paper in his pocket. “Does anyone besides you and
Journey know I’m your baby daddy?”

Perri
and Journey laughed.

“Take
a good look at her,” Perri told him.

Barrington
did.

“What
you think?” Perri asked.

“Good
point,” Barrington said, grinning, “she looks just like me. I like her name, by
the way. It fits her well.”

Perri
smiled. “I think so, too.”

Looking
back at Perri, he remarked, “Funny no one’s ever said a word to me about her.
Our girl here I can understand since Journey was your friend first. But the
others we hung out with, I don’t understand why none of them said a word.”

“I
don’t exactly hang out with the same crowd anymore mainly for that reason. I
knew not one of them would waste any time informing you.”

“I’m
still amazed that you managed to duck everyone as long as you have.”

“It
was smooth sailing until Imani was born. Then I just stopped hanging out at the
same spots and completely avoided anyone I knew that knew you with the
exception of Journey.”

“Of
course,” Barrington said with obvious disgust for her choice. “You two still
thick as thieves, I see. No pun intended; although you did try to steal my
right to know that I’m Imani’s father.”

Perri
frowned and rolled her eyes. “Are you going to keep throwing that up?”

“I’m
just saying, Perri. If I’d only known . . .”

“What,
Barrington? What would you really have done?”

“You
already know,” he accused. “I told you what I would do if we’d created another
life that night. You know I would have been right there with you, girl.” He
glared at her. “But since you didn’t believe I actually had a right to know
without you being caught up in your web of deceit before you finally came clean
with me; I guess now we’ll all three pay the cost and suffer because of your
selfishness.”

“You
know what, Barrington? This is getting us absolutely nowhere; so I’m ending
this conversation. If you want to see Imani later today, that’s fine. Just make
sure you call at a decent hour to make arrangements.”

“Fine,”
Barrington agreed.

“Fine,”
Perri said matter of fact.

“Okay,
okay; break it up you two,” Journey intervened. “Barrington, it was good seeing
you again; tell your brother I said hi.” She motioned with her right hand then
turned to her best friend. “Perri, you ready to go?”

“Let’s
roll,” Perri said, already pushing her daughter’s stroller in the opposite
direction.

Barrington
stepped into her path and leaned down eye level to Perri. “I meant what I said
earlier, Perri. We’re
going
to work this out together.” His eyes
automatically went down to see his little girl sleeping like the beautiful
angel she now was to him. Bending, he whispered in her ear, “Daddy will see you
later, baby girl.” Fighting back tears of joy, he kissed her on the forehead
and smiled. “Bye for now, Cupcake.”

“Did
you really have to be so mean, Perri?” Journey asked as soon as they were in
the car.

Perri
frowned and rolled her eyes and complained, “Let me buckle my seatbelt before
you bum-rush me.” She turned to look at Imani and smiled at her sleeping
beauty. Her daughter truly did look as if Barrington spit her right out of his
mouth. Why
had
she thought she would be able to pull the wool over
anybody’s eyes, much less Barrington’s? She thought back trying to recall what
her line of reasoning had been that she somehow fooled herself into thinking
made sense enough for her to go through with her foolhardily, underdeveloped
plan. She sighed heavily telling herself it was all water under the bridge now,
so there was no point looking back, and returned her attention to her friend,
who was still staring at her as if she were certifiable.

“What,
Jern?”

“That’s
all you can come up with?”

Perri
snorted. “I can say a whole lot of things; somehow I don’t think it would wipe
that disappointed look out of your eyes, though.”

“This
isn’t about me; don’t make me your scapegoat.”

“Am
I really doing that?” Perri really wanted to know the truth.

Journey
sighed. “Honey, there are no quick fixes here. Do you think you were fair to
him?”

“He
caught me off guard,” Perri said in her own defense.

“I
know; doesn’t erase the truth that he had a right to know about Imani from the
get-go.”

“I
know that now, Jern. But that’s not the point right now.”

“That’s
subject to whose point of view you’re speaking from.” Journey could see her
friend was hurting. She sighed. “Okay, Perri, exactly what is the point to
you?”

“That
I’m Imani’s mommy and I don’t plan on letting Barrington come between us.”

“The
man only wants a chance to spend some much needed quality time with his only
child.”

“How
do you know she’s his only child?” Perri couldn’t deny the jealousy that seeped
into her heart at the thought of another woman sharing an intimate bond of a
child with Barrington.

“Come
on, Perri, of course she’s his only child. Even if she’s not that has no
bearing on him seeing Imani.”

“It
does if she has to take a backseat to all his other
important
priorities.”

Journey
had to laugh. “Girl, you’re reaching for straws and you know it.”

“I
know no such thing,” Perri easily denied.

“You
do, too; and for that you are completely wrong on so many levels. Do you hear
me?”

“Whatever.”

“Don’t
whatever me. You know what I’m saying is true.”

“Either
way, it’s neither here nor there since he’ll probably be leaving within the
week, so it won’t matter in the long run, anyway.”

“I’m
sure you would love that, Perri. However, he’s leaving in two weeks, which is
still plenty of time for him and
you
to spend time with Imani
together
.”

Perri
could just about hear the wheels turning in her friend’s mind. “Oh, no, Journey
Décor Stillwater; there is no him and me. This is not even about me, so don’t
you even try to take this conversation in that direction.”

“No,
it’s not about you,” Journey agreed. “It’s all about Imani and what is best for
her, which would be for her parents’ to get along if only for her sake. Because
like it or not, the two of you are going to be part of the other’s life for the
next eighteen plus years.”

“Oh,
joy, joy.”

Journey
chuckled. “You can waste time being sarcastic if you want to, Perri. The bottom
line remains the same; Imani needs both of her parents in her life on a
full-time basis.”

“You
just proved my point. How much time can Barrington really devote to Imani when
he’s on the road most of the year? A musician’s life is never completely his
own, and don’t pretend that this is the exception to the rule because we both
know better.”

“Granted,
Perri, maybe he can’t be here full-time; I’ll give you that. But we don’t know
what Barrington plans to do on that front yet. As long as he’s consistent with
the time he does have to spend with Imani,” Journey shrugged, “why should you
object?”

“Simply
because Imani is a helpless child; the only schedule that she cares about is
her feeding time. Beyond that the way kids spell love is: T-I-M-E. An abundance
of time Barrington does not have to offer my baby, and I will not watch her be
shortchanged; my daughter’s not going to be the baby girl in a country song.”

Journey
rolled her eyes. “Is that what you believe, Perri, or the way you want it to
be?”

Ignoring
her comment, Perri said, “Journey, life is all about making choices and we each
do our own choosing. Barrington is one of the nation’s hottest R&B singers
in one of the top ten bands around; he loves what he does and he’s happy doing
it. He made a choice to become a singer and now he’s getting to live out the
life he chose for himself. He’s golden right now.”

“Who’s
to say he can’t change his mind? How do you know he’s really happy now?”

“I
didn’t see any sad lines etched across his face. Well, except for when he
realized I’d purposely hidden the truth about Imani. At any rate, Barrington is
in the prime of his career. How many twenty-seven year olds do you know getting
to live out their lifelong dream at such a young and tender age? In that sense,
Barrington is the exception to the rule; it’s not an easy feat for a white
person to land on the R&B charts and make a permanent mark in a genre that
even a lot of black people don’t get a shot at. It would be career suicide for
him to walk away from the music industry now. He and Crush have rightfully
earned a solid foundation with their soulful music. I will not be the one to
take him away from his dream. It wouldn’t be right. I was there the first time
he heard his song on the radio.” Perri laughed as tears welled up in her eyes
at the memory.

“My
man made his dream come true, so I’m sure he’s happy doing what he does since
he’s always wanted to do it. It wouldn’t be right step in between that. I love
him too much to be the reason he walked away from the only life he’s ever
wanted to live. Music is his heart, Jern,” Perri stated totally convinced she
had his number. The more she thought about it the more she was sure the
situation would remain in her favor.

“Girl,
that’s Hallmark beautiful,” Journey said with a hand over her heart.

Perri
burst out laughing. “You are not a well woman.”

Journey
smirked. “I’m well enough to see you’re still in love with that man. And you
said it.”

“Jern,
Barrington is my first in every sense; of course I still love him. I didn’t say
I was still in love with him.”

“I
don’t care what your mouth says. Your eyes tell me the truth.”

“Jern,
you’re comfortable living in your bubble. Out of love, I tell you that you see
what you want to see; you always have.”

“Oh,
whatever,” Journey rolled her eyes and laughed. “I see the writing on the
wall.”

“Make
your point, sister.”

“In
this life not everything is always as it seems. All I’m saying, Perri, is that
Barrington’s life might not be as cut and dried as you see it. Maybe just maybe
he is the exception to the rule.”

Journey
made some valid points, but it was still hard for Perri to imagine Barrington
living a life that he didn’t choose to live. For as long as she had known him
he’d always been sure of what he wanted and knew just what he had to do in
order to achieve it. To see him any other way was like humanly impossible. She
did try to imagine it as they rode the rest of the way in silence.

***

After
dropping Journey off at home and taking Imani to spend some time with her
grandmother, Perri drove around aimlessly for hours just to find herself at her
late parents’ home. The house was left to Perri and her two sisters after their
parents John and Mary Milan were killed in an automobile accident when the
girls were between the ages of ten and twelve. Their grandmother Mattie Milan
held onto the house as a keepsake for the girls until they were of age for the
three of them together to decide if or when they’d ever place the house on the
market for a potential buyer.

To
all three sisters the house had sentimental value as well as memories they’d
collected along the way, so they unanimously decided to keep it in the family;
they each took turns keeping it clean and tidy. They have been known to let family
members, friends as well as strangers who were temporarily down and out stay
there rent free. Their parents had been missionaries, who had sacrificed the
comfort of their own lives in a nanoo second for the call of duty, and they
grew up seeing them share whatever they had with those less fortunate, so the
girls knew they would want them to continue the family tradition in their
memory.

The
Milan house was also a safe haven when any one of the three sisters just needed
to get away from everything and everyone, save each other. And after the
eventful day that Perri had just had, home is where her heart and mind needed
to be in order to get her bearings and cleanse her soul of painful past
memories involving her and the only man she had ever loved. A man who was also
the father of the greatest gift she’d ever been given in her life. Shaking off
the dust from the past, Perri entered her childhood home, hoping to come away
with a whole new outlook on the sticky situation with Barrington Knight.

At
some point later, Hunter came in and, sensing something was out of sorts with
her sister, sat with her and listened to the whole ordeal Perri had just gone
through. All Perri wanted was someone with an objective ear to listen.

“Let
me get this straight,” Hunter Milan Vandross started, “Barrington is back in
town, knows about Imani, and wants to step up to the plate taking
responsibility for his daughter . . .” Stopping mid-sentence, her clear blue
eyes zeroed in on her sister closely. “Have I covered everything?” she asked in
an exaggerated tone. “And you won’t allow him to do what he was supposed to
have been doing all along?” Shaking her head disdainfully, Hunter swore, “I
just don’t understand you, Perri. The man wants to be a father—”

“Says
he does anyway,” Perri interjected.

“Well,
the man is still here, Perri. This means he definitely intends to be part of
Imani’s life.” Fisting her hips with both hands, she demanded, “Why are you
trying to stand in the way?”

Perri
glared at her sister. “You know you may be the oldest but that doesn’t make you
the wisest. Bottom line: this is none of your, Hunter; so why you all up in my
life without an invite?”

“Imani
is my niece; you’re my sister. It’s called family, Perri. That makes it my
business, especially when I see you make a plum mess out of your life for no
good reason at all.” Hunter glared at her little sister just as hard.

“Whatever,”
Perri said, not trying to hear all that nonsense.

“You
know what? This is just about your pride.” Pointing her right index finger,
Hunter stated, “You’re still hurt because of the way things went down with you
and Barrington before; that I can well understand considering your take on the
situation. But, Perri, now you have Imani to consider. This is no longer about
you and you need to figure out an amicable way to live with the fact that
Barrington has just as much right to be involved in the life of the daughter
the two of you share as you do.”

“Hunter,
how about you take care of your home and stay out of mine! I neither asked for
nor need your self-righteous input.”

“No,
Perri, you didn’t ask because you’re too stubborn. But little sister, you
definitely need it. And that’s real!”

“Whatever,
Hunter,” Perri shouted and mentally kicked herself for telling her sister her
business.

“Okay,
okay, you two,” Tyler Milan ordered after she let herself in unnoticed. “Both
of you calm down and get back to your respective corners.” She frowned looking
from one sister to the other and demanded, “What is going on up in here? I can
hear you two all the way at the end of the driveway,” she said disappointed in
her two favorite sisters for fighting with each other. They rarely did that
unless something seriously on a major tip was going on.

“Ask
your bullheaded sister,” Hunter said on her way to the kitchen.

Tyler
turned her attention to Perri. “Well?”

“Well
what?” Perri snapped, rolling her eyes. “Hunter’s just interfering in my life
as usual.”

“About?”
Tyler refused to let it go. “Because judging from the shouting match you two
were having up in here it’s not just some little insignificant quarrel between
siblings,” she surmised.

“Just
forget it, Tyler. I don’t feel like rehashing this again,” Perri dismissed her.

“Because
she’s too stubborn,” Hunter called from the kitchen.