If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (9 page)

Bringing
his daughter back to rest at his chest, Barrington hugged her as every gamut of
emotion filled him. For the second time in his life he was in love with an
unforgettable female; one he had the joy of helping to create.

Tears
pricked the corner of Perri’s eyes, but she refused to cry. “I’ll take her,
Barrington.”

Yellow-green
eyes met and held chocolate brown eyes. “Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me.” he ground
out between clenched teeth, glaring at her dangerously. Barrington fought to
remain in control of his temper, but knew he was close to losing his grip and
going shell right there in the middle of the mall. The fact that he saw and
felt that she was about to cry—and her pain was killing him—just pissed him off
that much more. “That was not a rhetorical question, Perri,” he warned in a
tone that sounded bitter to his own ears.
Just damn her!
“Answer me!”

Mentally
recounting how often she’d played out this scene in her mind’s eye, Perry had
to admit his words weren’t cold like she’d imagined them to be. She understood
she had broken him in a way he never considered her capable of doing to him.
God,
her heart hurt.
She still loved him every bit as much as the day she first
laid eyes on him. All the man wanted was the truth. She knew he deserved the
truth; knew now how absolutely wrong she had been not to tell him she was
pregnant with his baby. If she could just go back and get it right. But she had
nothing to offer him except, “You were on the road.”
God, forgive me for lie
number three.
She felt scared and trapped by the hostile glare of his eyes
that held her hostage.

“And
. . .?” Barrington desperately tried to restrain his rage. She’d better stop
testing his emotions because he was most definitely not playing with her right
now.

Perri
was exhausted from defeat. She had gambled and she had lost big time. “And—”

“Answer
me, Perri!”

She
involuntarily stepped back.

Barrington
regretted his tone. One thing she’d never been was scared of him. He wasn’t a
bully. He was mad as hell at her, but he never wanted her to fear him. Even so,
his manly pride would not allow him to back down.

“Don’t
yell at me, Barrington.” Resentment filled Perri’s heart. He was the one who
left her stuck on stupid, making a fool out of her in the process. She should
be yelling at him. But he was not worth the stress. Or pain.

Sighing
hard, he softened his tone, “You’re not in any position to be calling the
shots, girl.”

“You’re
not my daddy, you know.”

“I’m
not your mama either, but you’re going to listen to me.”

“Barrington,
that’s my baby you’re holding and I want her back right now.”

“I
believe she’s yours, Perri.” Barrington stepped into her face space and leaned
close to her ear, “But I dare you to deny I’m your baby daddy.”

Perri
heard Journey snicker behind her and she wanted to shoot her a dirty look.
However, her pride would not allow her to let her
baby daddy
intimidate
her into an open confrontation with him. She crossed her arms, staring up at
him defiantly. “Prove it.”

“Are
you kidding me right now, woman?” When she didn’t respond, Barrington carefully
turned his daughter around to face her mother. “The proof is in our faces,
baby.” He watched her unfold her arms and stare at him with open hostility. “I
suggest—”

“I
didn’t want to ruin your career,” Perri blurted, knowing it was a lame excuse.

“Don’t
tell me what you thought, Perri. We both know that wouldn’t have mattered to
me. That’s just the excuse that lets you sleep at night.” His tone was bitter
now.

“You’re
wrong, Barrington.” Though hurt by his cold and harsh words, Perri did not
blame him. She’d be bitter, too, if she were standing in his shoes right now.
“There is no excuse—”

“You’re
damn right, Perri.”

Her
eyes narrowed, flashing anger at him. “Please watch your language around
Imani.”

Imani.
Hearing his daughter’s name for the first time made him smile, his heart soft.
“Imani,” he whispered for his daughter’s ears only. He rubbed her back and
closed his eyes, inhaling her baby scent. She was perfect. She was his. He was
her Daddy. “Imani,” he said just because he could. He didn’t care about the
lone tear sliding down his right cheek. In that moment, nothing mattered accept
him and his baby girl. “Imani, Daddy’s got you,” he promised his precious
daughter. “Daddy will never let you go, Imani; never that, Imani.”

Perri
felt like a home wrecker for interrupting what she knew was a serious bonding
moment between father and daughter meeting for the very first time, to her
shame, she knew. But she had to feed
her
daughter. “Imani really needs
to eat now, Barrington.” Her heart ached and her arms itched to remove her baby
from his already protective embrace. She couldn’t be mad at him for that. Imani
had that effect on people.

Disgusted
at her unnecessary impatience, Barrington said, “I’ll feed her.”

“You
can’t.”

“Like
h . . .” Catching himself before he swore again, he said, “Where is her
bottle?”

“She
doesn’t have one.”

“Look,
Perri,” Barrington warned, “I’m in no mood for games, especially not yours. Now
pass me my daughter’s bottle so she can go ahead and eat. You’ve kept both of
us waiting long enough. And if you knew she was hungry, you should have fed her
instead of trying to pass her off as Journey’s kid just to avoid me and keep
the truth from me that much longer.” The more he thought about that the more
pissed he became. “Not easy juggling a lie, is it?”

Perri’s
eyes narrowed. “You should know being the king of lies.” Good and pissed off
herself, she was about to let it rip until she felt Journey touch her elbow,
giving her a warning look not to press the matter right now.

Barrington
did his best to dismiss his anger for the moment. “Perri, her bottle; give it
to me.”

“There’s
no bottle to give you,” she snapped back.

“Look,
I know about my daughter now, so you can cut the act.” He could almost see his
hands squeezing her neck as it dawned on him why she was being difficult. “You
don’t want to let me to feed her?” He didn’t bother to hide the pain in his
voice or hurt in his eyes.

Perri
swallowed her anger and tried to explain, “It’s not that, Barrington. I’m
telling you she does not have a bottle; you cannot feed her for that reason
alone.”

Frustrated,
Barrington blew out a puff of air. “Perri, do you mean to stand there and tell
me that knowing you were going to be going out for a minute, you didn’t bother
to bring her milk?” He couldn’t believe her negligence. His daughter was
clearly in the care of an unfit mental case. How else could she explain keeping
Imani away from him? He had something for her though, because as soon as he was
done feeding his daughter he was heading straight for his attorney’s office,
demanding an emergency temporary custody hearing first thing in the morning.
Let
her try to sleep with that demon tormenting her tonight.
She had to be damn
bent.

“What
is she supposed to eat while you’re out gallivanting about like a carefree
teenager? Jesus, Perri, how irresponsible can you be?”

“Don’t
you dare question my motives toward my own child; I love my daughter. I would
never neglect her as long as I have breath in my body.”

“Yet
here you stand without any food for her on hand. Maybe you’re the one who
should be kept away from Imani.”

“She
does too have food,” Perri insisted, scared she may never comfort her baby
again. Her arms ached to hold Imani as she struggled against the tears warring
for release.

“So
you lied yet again. Just give me the bottle, Perri, because I’m losing patience
with you.”

“For
the last time, I cannot give you the bottle, Barrington. You’re the one being
difficult. Just give me my daughter so I can feed her,” Perri shouted not
caring who heard her. And the only reason she had not cursed his butt slap out
by now is because six months ago she’d gotten saved and she’d cut out cursing
altogether. However, if Barrington didn’t stop tap dancing on her nerves she
was going to break her vow, bless him out real good, and repent afterward.

“Come
on guys,” Journey intervened, “people are starting to stare. You both need to
just calm down right now.” She turned to Barrington. “Let Perri have Imani so
she can eat because she’s way past her feeding time.” Seeing he was about to
protest she added, “Barrington, there are some things only a mommy has the
capability of doing.”

Barrington
opened his mouth then closed it when it dawned on him what Journey meant.
Remembering how Imani had instantly turned her head to the side and latched
onto his finger, he looked at Perri, seeing her in a new light. His anger at
her was replaced by open admiration, mixed with a sense of possessive pride
that
his
woman
would do that for
his
child
.

“You
breastfeed her?” he asked and smiled affectionately.

Perri
ignored the only smile powerful enough to render her legs weak. “Yes.”

There
he had stood outright accusing her of neglecting their child when she’d chosen
to do the most natural and healthy thing by breastfeeding Imani. Barrington was
pleasantly surprised, especially since Perri was only twenty-two now. He didn’t
think anyone that young would even consider making such a sacrifice. Then
again, Perri had never been vain; she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever
met inside and out.

“Baby,
I’m so sorry.” Barrington felt like a fool. “I didn’t know.”

Perri’s
heart melted. “It’s okay; you had no way of knowing, right?”

Instead
of responding, Barrington tenderly kissed Imani on the forehead. “Daddy will be
right here when you finish nursing, Cupcake,” he whispered in her ear and
handed her to her mommy.

Fresh
tears filled Perri’s eyes; still she refused to let them fall, holding tight to
her daughter.

Barrington
caught a glimpse of her glossy eyes. “Don’t worry, Perri, we’ll work it out.”

Unable
to speak, Perri nodded and headed for the nearest restroom to nurse
their
daughter.

Continuing
to watch long after they disappeared from his view, Barrington was in a state
of shock to find out he had a beautiful daughter with the beautiful woman he’d
never been able to forget. He’d tried over the past year or so to forget Perri,
move on with his life. He really did. Being a musician on tour nine months out
of the year, he’d definitely had plenty of opportunities to receive help in
forgetting the unforgettable Perri Tania Milan. Seeing her only confirmed what
his heart knew all along: Perri was made for him to love; he knew now he would
always love her.

Barrington
recalled how happy and outspoken Perri had been back then. He’d never forgotten
the day they admitted they were in love. It was the same night they became
lovers. Perri was unsure of herself as a woman and yet she’d willingly
entrusted her body in his care for safekeeping. He’d been so proud to be the
first and only man she’d been with. Even before that he’d fallen for her hard.
All too soon he was ready to make her a permanent part of his life; had even
purchased an engagement ring, fully intent on asking her to be his wife.

Though
Barrington could hardly believe this watered-down version of the Perri he once
knew, he couldn’t deny she was a different woman. The woman he knew her to be
would never have deceived him, and certainly not this long. He was angry with
her and probably would be for a long time to come. But she was the mother of
his only child and as much as he hated to admit it she’d done a decent job of
taking care of Imani. It was clear she loved their daughter and from the
possessive streak she displayed, Perri was not going to willingly share Imani’s
love with him.

As
if it happened yesterday, the pain of Perri’s absence was fresh in his heart.
On their last night together she was open and uninhibited with him. Just like
that, it all changed. She changed and he had never been able to figure out what
had caused her to give up on him. If only he understood what happened to make
her stop wanting them maybe it would all make sense. She had once trusted him
enough to give him her body. Why couldn’t she have been that trusting before
she decided to end things? Instead, she cut him out of her life without talking
to him first. He was convinced they could have worked through it, whatever
it
was, had she just come to him.

Perri
left him to wonder what had caused her to stop loving him. He tried filling the
pain of her rejection with work and music and tours and, yes, women. Nothing
worked then to replace the love he felt for her. Now here they were more than a
year later, and she still had the effect of rendering him breathless just as
she did the very first time he saw her. He wondered if it would ever stop
hurting.

He
swore under his breath. He and Perri were a thing of the past along with all
the hurt she caused him. Imani was his present not to mention his future. As
his seed, she would be the one to carry on the Knight name; and he fully
intended on leaving her a legacy she would always be proud to claim. As her
father, he owed her that. Being with his daughter here and now was all that
mattered. His life would be entwined with Perri for one reason: to get to know
his baby girl and for her to get to know him as her daddy. Her mother was just
going to have to find a way to deal with it because she was done cheating him
out of his rightful place in his daughter’s life. Perri was definitely
different. To look at her you’d never know that she’d given birth. Barrington
smiled, knowing she hadn’t just given birth to any baby; but to
his
baby. That made him feel proud inside like he’d accomplished a goal he didn’t even
know he wanted to attempt; yet here he was feeling every bit the proud papa,
his chest was stuck on swollen.

Barrington
recalled their last night together when he’d stupidly forgot to wear a condom.
He was once again sorry he hadn’t been more careful where his sweet Perri was
concerned. Mostly, he was just glad that she apparently didn’t blame him; more
importantly, she didn’t hate him because of his selfishness. He felt sure that
she knew it was not an intentional act on his part to ruin her young life. Then
all too quickly, reality came rushing back and he longed to touch Perri; hold
her in his arms that were made for only her. As much as he’d tried to forget
her, Perri was in his blood. No other woman would be able to take her place
because that residency would always belong to the only love of his life. It
didn’t matter if she was in agreement or not. He was sure enough for the both
of them.

He
had to admit that being a well-known R&B artist did nothing to keep him
from feeling lonely inside; like something important was missing in his life.
Now that he thought about it, for the first time in a long time that empty
feeling was not there. And since the only reason he came to the mall in the
first place was so he wouldn’t have to think or feel for a little while, he
could only contribute the fact that the void was finally filled to Perri and
now Imani, too. The daughter they shared. The daughter he never knew he had
until today. There was more than just an emotional bond between him and Perri.
Now there was a physical bond between them; proof of their shared love for one
another. Perri could act as cold as she wanted toward him. Barrington knew in
her heart she still had mad love for him. He could feel it in his soul.

Barrington
had every intention of being an active father in his daughter’s life. And no
matter how much Perri protested—because she absolutely would—he had no
intention of letting her get away from him a second time. Especially not
knowing what went wrong between them the first time when she, without a second
thought, walked away from him.

“Are
you okay, all things considered?” Journey couldn’t help feeling sorry for
Barrington.

“Considering
I just met my daughter?” he asked not sure what he felt. Forcing a smile he
knew didn’t meet his eyes, he said, “Yeah, I’m fine.” The lie was to comfort
her because he could see the guilt in her eyes tormenting her for the part she
played in Perri’s deceitful plan. There was no hope to comfort him, but knew he
didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself now.

Journey
knew a lie when she heard one but decided not to call him to the carpet. She
nodded.

“How
have they been, Journey?” he asked with a shrug. “You know, all things
considered.”

“They
have been doing great considering Perri’s a single mom.” Journey raised her
hand to his forthcoming comment, “And I know that’s not your fault; but you
asked me how they were doing and that’s the only fair way I know to explain it.
Perri’s great with her and Imani has almost everything she could want or need.”

“Except
knowledge of and access to her father,” Barrington stated matter of fact. “And
don’t be trying to take up for Perri’s lack of consideration for me, because
where my child is concerned
almost
doesn’t count. I’m surprised she can
even sleep at night with all the dirt she’s done this past year.”

Journey
could understand his anger. But Perri was her best friend and she’d watched her
go to hell and back because of loving this man. She wanted to tell him his
hostility was uncalled for. Instead, she told him, “Perry can speak for
herself; but I can tell you Imani’s not lacking in the love department.”

“That
makes Perri keeping me in the dark about Imani okay?”

“Not
okay, Barrington; but—”

“She
was not going to tell me, Journey,” he angrily cut her off. “I realize she’s
your friend. I respect that. But I don’t care what you say; you can defend her
actions until the cows come home. Bottom line is this,” Barrington said. “There
is no excuse for what she did to me and Imani.” He shook his head, feeling the
hurt of Perri’s betrayal all over again. “So don’t expect me to stand here and
agree that Imani’s not lacking in the love department when Perri didn’t even
invite me to be part of her circle of love.”

Journey’s
heart went out to the man. “For what it’s worth; she did want to tell you.”

“That’s
not worth a good damn to me at the moment considering she never bothered to
contact me. They got phones in every damn state, Journey; she could have taken
five minutes to pick up one and call me.” The more Barrington thought about it the
more pissed off he became at Perri all over again. He felt like making her hurt
as much, if not more than she’d hurt him. And she need not think he’d forgotten
how she just bounced out of his life as quick as she’d entered it; no way was
he about to allow her to do the same thing to him with his daughter.

Barrington
refused to even let his mind take him back to that painful period of his life;
this was a new day with a brand new chapter and he intended to write the ending
he wanted. If Perri did not want to be part of that story that was her business;
but he was not about to stand in the shadows and watch while she brought his
daughter up as a single mom in a one parent household. It simply was not going
to happen. Not on his watch!

“It’s
been over a year and because of Perri’s selfishness I’ve missed the first
precious months of my daughter’s life. Time I can’t get back; not to mention I
was cheated out of the experience of witnessing her grand entrance into the
world. All of us only get one physical birth. Perri made damn sure I missed out
on seeing Imani’s”

There
was nothing Journey could say to that but she wished she could for Perri.

Barrington
smiled in spite of himself. “I bet my girl was a sight to behold.”

Knowing
he meant his daughter, Journey smiled and confirmed, “That she was.”

“Were
there any complications with her birth?” Barrington hated to ask because he
should already know the answer.

“Not
one. She was a healthy and loud six pound five ounce, twenty-two inches long,
bouncing baby girl.”

They
laughed.

“That’s
good.” Barrington watched a teenage couple walk past them, reminding him of
what he had and lost. “What about Perri?” he asked but resented the fact that
he cared to know. “Was she scared?”

Journey
chuckled. “I think her scare period was the first six months. By the last three
months she was ready to, and I quote, ‘get this girl out of me’ end quote.”

Barrington
laughed out loud totally able to envision Perri saying that.

When
Journey was able to stop laughing, she said, “Seriously, man, our girl did
great. You’d have been proud of her, Barrington. You know Perri for all her
talk, she didn’t complain once during the labor.”

“No?”
Now that Barrington had a hard time believing, especially after hearing his
mother’s labor stories.

“Un-hun.
She got her release by squeezing the living daylights out of my hand.”

Barrington
chuckled.

“Yeah,
man; I’m telling you Perri had my hand numb.” She laughed, too. “I’ll tell you
what though; as excited as she was no one would have known Perri was going through
the whole birthing process as a single mom.” Journey smiled. “She loved Imani
from the moment she knew she was carrying her.”

Barrington
nodded, feeling a wave of envy that Journey got to see it all and jealousy
because he knew it should have been him in that labor room coaching Perri
through every step in order to get their precious daughter here for both of
them to share and enjoy the beauty and joy her life no doubt would bring to
each of them. It should have been his hand Perri squeezed until it was numb.
Forcing himself to remember that now he could create some beautiful memories of
his own where his daughter was concerned, he swallowed his pride.

“I
feel you.” Barrington grew silent in thought. “If I’d only known . . .” he said
to no one in particular.

“And
if you had, Barrington. Would things really be so different now?”

“I’d
like to think so, Journey.”

“But
you don’t know for sure do you, Barrington?”

“I
guess not,” he answered honestly.

“Everything
happens for a reason.” Journey shrugged. “Maybe the real reason that brought
you out to the mall today is the same reason that brought Perri here. Because
it’s finally time for the two of you to come on one accord where Imani is
concerned and raise your daughter together; even if it is in separate homes.”

“Maybe,”
was all Barrington offered as he compared this particular Perri to the former
one he’d previously known; it blew his mind how she’d changed in a major way.
“My baby’s different now,” he stated, unsure of how to approach her.

“You’re
always going to see Perri as yours, aren’t you?”

“What
do you think?”

“That
you two need to stop being so silly and have a serious one-on-one
conversation.”

“You
know your girl’s too complicated to agree to a simple conversation with me.”

“I
won’t touch that one.” Journey raised her hands. “Why do you say she’s
different now?”

“You
know what I mean, Journey. Before Perri would always pout if she didn’t get her
way, but now . . .” he stopped not sure how to explain it.

“What
about now?” Journey encouraged Barrington to finish his thoughts.

He
shrugged. “She’s seasoned now. More refined, I think is what I’m saying.” He
thought a moment longer. “Or maybe I’m trying to say she’s too damn guarded.
Oh, hell, I don’t know how to describe her now. She’s just different, you know.”