I Love You to Death (11 page)

"Sam, I had a shit time ok. I didn’t know anyone and you barely talked to me all night. I just wanted to come home."

Sam threw his hands up in the air. I knew what was coming next, it was always the same thing. "Ash come on, you gotta try babe, try and talk to people ok, make some friends."

This is what always happened every time we started this argument, although we weren’t usually drunk and in the middle of the night. Sam always wanting me to try and meet people, try and make friends with them. Me unable to do it, unable to do the small talk part or let people in. It’s a miracle Sam was still around really.

"You know I can’t Sam," I said to him. "You of all people should know that."

Frustrated, Sam shook his head, crawling into bed and pulling me into his arms. He said nothing more to me, just crashed still fully clothed, not even taking his shoes off. But at least his arms were wrapped around me and I knew that meant the fight was over.

The next morning I woke up and I was hungover, more than I thought I’d be. Sam was still passed out so I dragged myself up and got dressed, heading out to get some fresh air and grab a coffee to chase away the headache I’d fallen asleep with.

Ironically when I came home hours later to wake Sam up and talk about what’d happened last night, I found him already awake and our fight seemed like the last thing on his mind.

When he told me that my Dad had died, our fight became the last thing on my mind too.

∞

Ever since Luke’s party I haven’t spoken to Liam at all. He hasn’t spoken to me and I’ve noticed that Luke doesn’t talk to him anymore either. After what happened I can kind of understand and although a part of me is secretly glad about them not speaking, I also feel that none of this ever would have happened if it wasn’t for me.

But Liam’s words, the things he said, they are still there, ringing in my ears. I don’t know how much Luke heard, maybe all of it and I don’t want to think about that either. I don’t want to think about Luke’s reaction to his words. That I was fucked up, carrying a bunch of shit around. I didn’t want to think about how true that all was.

But for whatever reason, tonight, just before we close is when Liam decides we’re going to talk again. Tonight, he decides to follow me into the cold room and supposedly apologise.

"Ash?"

I stiffen in response to his voice and suddenly become acutely aware of the fact that we are trapped together in this tiny room, the one place I used to go to escape the rest of the shop. I don’t say anything.

"Ash, come on, you gonna ignore me forever?" he asks, a slight hint of anger in his voice.

I take a deep breath, turn and face him. "Yeah Liam, I think I will," I say, my voice firm, despite the nervous energy running through me. "I really don’t want to talk to you and I really don’t want you to talk to me."

"Ash, come on, isn’t that a bit over the top? You know I was just drunk the other night," he sneers, incredulous that I could dismiss him this easily. "It’s not like I meant to scare you or anything."

I walk purposefully towards the door, unsure if Liam’s going to let me pass. He doesn’t move, but he doesn’t stop me as I storm out into the kitchen.

"Ash, come on, don’t be such a bitch," he continues, following me out of the cold room.

I turn and face him. My nerves have turned to anger now as I say, "Actually Liam, I think you’re the one being a bitch. And a fucking asshole too and I don’t ever want to speak to you again." My blood is boiling right now and I’m glad it’s late and we’re out in the kitchen, because I know Robert would be pissed if he saw us doing this in front of the customers.

Liam and I are squared off against each other and this time I’m not showing my fear to him. I stand my ground when he takes a step towards me, refusing to back down. I meet his angry stare as I say again, "Stay away from me Liam, I mean it." I barely recognise my own voice now, but before Liam has a chance to respond, I hear another voice. A voice I stupidly hadn’t even considered would be here to witness this.

"Get away from her Liam," Luke says with a voice that sounds like steel.

I turn to look at Luke and see the anger radiating from him, his face set like stone, his dark eyes glaring at Liam. His whole body is tensed and I notice his hands are clenched into fists by his side, like he’s trying to hold himself back, trying to stop himself from lashing out.

Liam doesn’t move, he’s still staring at me.

"I’m not going to say it again Liam. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her."

He does, but not before quickly moving towards me a little, a tiny threat to let me know he isn’t really backing down. It isn’t much, but it’s enough to make me flinch in response. It’s enough to make Luke step forward and grab Liam by the front of his shirt now. He’s face to face with Liam, as much as their height difference will allow. Luke’s face is a mask of fury, and the knuckles of his hand that grip the front of Liam’s shirt, turn white from the effort. His voice is low, almost like a growl as he says, "You ever ignore her when she tells you to fuck off again Liam and I won’t just walk away like I did last time. I won’t just fucking ignore it."

Luke is really pissed off now but I’m not frightened of him. If anything I’m surprised. Surprised that he’s reacting so strongly to this, that he’s even in here helping me at all. I’m still staring at Luke, who hasn’t looked at me once, when Liam slaps Luke’s hand out of the way, turns to me and says, "You are such a bitch," before walking out.

I don’t even register Liam leaving, I’m too busy watching Luke’s reaction to all this. I wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. Luke turns to face me now and as soon as he sees me, his face instantly changes, softens.

"Are you okay?" he asks me, just like he always does.

I don’t say anything. I can only wonder how much he heard, how much he saw. What he really meant when he said he wouldn’t walk away like last time.

"Ash, are you okay?" he asks again quietly, taking a small, almost cautious step towards me. "Did he touch you, did he hurt you at all?"

I shake my head, still unable to say anything. He takes another step towards me, only concern on his face now, his hand reaching out to me, as though he wants to pull me into his arms. And that’s when it hits me. Suddenly and with force, like a hard punch in the gut that takes my breath away.

He cares.

He cares whether I’m okay. He was being protective, protecting me. Protecting me from Liam and it wasn’t the first time either. He’s acting like it matters how Liam talks to me, treats me. He’s acting like I matter, like I matter to him. As if I’m someone he cares about and needs to protect.

It reminds me of something, something so painful that it makes my heart twist, my insides churn and my head hurt. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I can’t let this happen.

I hold up my hands, stopping him. I see his eyes fall and take in my now shaking hands.

"Ash, are you okay?" he asks me again, his voice urgent, concerned now.

I don’t say anything, only nod.

"You’re sure?" he asks, his eyes drawn, worry and something else now, all over his face. "Ash, please, talk to me, are you sure you’re okay?"

"Thank you Luke," is all I can say, lowering my eyes so I don’t have to look at him before quickly turning and walking out of the kitchen.

I can’t let this happen.

I hear him call out, "Ash?" but I don’t turn around. I keep walking and go back to work, determined to finish my shift and forget what I saw just then. This can’t be happening.

About five minutes later, Luke comes out, a staff beer from the stash we keep in the cold room in his hand. He silently hands it to me, his eyes watching my face as he does. As soon as I meet his stare, I look away. I still can’t look at him, especially now. "Thank you," I say quietly, taking the bottle from his hand, our fingers brushing before I quickly turn and walk away.

I don’t speak to or look at Luke for the rest of my shift. Liam and I avoid each other too, but that’s easy because I’m only angry at him. With Luke it’s something far different.

Thankfully Luke doesn’t try and talk to me again, but I do hear him on the phone, talking to someone, his voice slightly raised although I can’t make out what he’s saying. When he’s about to leave a few minutes later, Luke comes over to me first.

"Ash, do you want to go and get a drink or something?" he asks.

I look up at him, his face full of concern and so much more. But all I can see is everything that I can and will destroy. Everything that I could find and then lose. I can’t do this again. I just can’t go through it all again.

"Just a drink?" he continues. "Nothing more, we don’t have to talk about anything that happened earlier."

I look down at the counter. See my hands as they clench the now empty beer bottle, my fingers turning white. I shake my head. "No," I say, my voice flat. "I can’t, I just can’t Luke," before turning and walking away.

I hear him call out my name again, but I don’t look back. He follows me into the staff room out the back, where there is no one else but us.

"Ash," he says to me, softly this time.

I’m reaching into my locker for my bag and don’t turn around. "Please go Luke. Please." My voice sounds strange, flat.

"Are you sure?" he asks quietly. "Are you sure you’re okay Ash?"

I turn to him now, keeping my eyes on his feet, unable to look at him. "Please, not now. Just go. Please just go. Please Luke, please." My voice betrays me, I’m afraid and I know he can hear it.

I feel him watching me for what feels like forever. I’m about to explode, and I’m not going to be able to stop myself, stop the words that are going to spew from my mouth, the anger I can feel surging through me. This isn’t right, this can’t be happening.

"Ash," he finally says his voice quiet. "It’s okay you know. If you want to talk, ever want to…well I’m here if you do."

I still don’t say anything. I don’t look at him and I don’t move. He says nothing more, just exhales loudly before thankfully turning and walking out.

When the door closes, I collapse to my knees on the floor. Angry tears fall from my eyes and I can do nothing to stop them. I don’t want this life anymore, I can’t keep doing this. It’s killing me.

The grief and the guilt I carry, are consuming me. The grief and the guilt that I carry are slowly suffocating me. I feel buried alive, like every breath I’m forced to take is a huge effort. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to stop breathing.

I feel trapped. Time, my sanity, everything, it all feels like it’s somehow running out. The will to keep going, the will to even wake up every day, it’s all slowly disappearing and I don’t know if I can keep doing this much longer.

But it’s the anger that’s really killing me.

The anger I feel for all of the people I love, who’ve died on me, who’ve gone and left me all alone.

The anger I feel for anyone who just tries to be nice to me. The ones I have to constantly push away to protect.

The anger I have for Sam for knowing the truth about me and dying anyway.

But most of all, the anger I have for myself.

The anger at being the way I am, the anger at having caused all of this and more than anything, the anger at being unable to do a fucking thing about it all.

I’m full of anger and that’s what’s really killing me.

I don’t know how long I stay on the floor, but I know I have to leave. I have to get out of here and go home where I can hide from everyone, where I can suffocate alone. When I stand up to go, I notice the bottle still in my hand and as I walk out the door I throw it at the trash can where it smashes into a million tiny pieces. I don’t stop and I don’t look back. I hear Sarah call out my name as I leave, but I ignore her. I don’t see Luke at all and I just keep walking out the door.

I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.

∞

Somehow, Dad had managed to get himself lost trying to drive home from Boston. It should have been straight forward, just head for the I-95 south and keep going. It takes you all the way back to Providence. Only my Dad was crap with directions and refused to use a GPS. He’d tried calling me that night when he’d evidently ended up somewhere else, but I was at the party and didn’t hear my phone.

Of course, I was also the one who’d asked, in fact begged him to drive up to see us. So of course it was completely my fault he was even driving at all.

Sam and I had been living in our apartment for a while by then, but I hadn’t really been back to Providence. I hadn’t taken much stuff with me when I first left, because I didn’t think I would just leave and never go back. But when we got our own place, I decided I should probably get the rest of my stuff. Really make this place my home.

So I finally asked Dad to drive up to see us, packing the car with the last of my things.

He only came up for the day. He got there mid-morning and after we unpacked the car and tried to find some space for everything, Dad said to me, "Ok kiddo, now you’ve officially moved out, how about I buy you some lunch? That way I know you’re going to get one decent meal this week."

I laughed and joked, "What you think I can’t cook?"

Dad just laughed and said "No, I know you can’t Ash, grilled cheese is not a proper meal you know."

"Come on, you know it is Dad," I said smiling at him.

Dad faked a look of surprise, as though his previous statement had been wrong, before pulling me into a hug. "I’m gonna miss you kiddo, you know that right?"

"I already miss you Dad, really."

He kissed the top of my head and said, "Come on then, let’s go eat."

So we went out, finding a place and having a great afternoon together. Sam didn’t come that day, instead letting me have some time alone with Dad. We didn’t do anything exciting, just hung out for the afternoon, and spent most of it wandering the streets of Boston.

"Next time, we should try and get tickets to a game," Dad said as we walked past Fenway Park.

"Definitely," I said. "Sam’s mad on the Red Sox, even though he comes from Seattle. I’m sure he can sort something out."