I Love You to Death (9 page)

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

When I get home I’m restless, agitated. I’m listening to music and I’m drinking beer, definitely a dangerous combination. I want to go out, but I know it’s a bad idea. I try to tell myself that we are not friends, we’re only work colleagues and what harm can come from me going? But I know I’m kidding myself. I know these mind games I play in my head are all bullshit too. Luke and I are not just work colleagues. We are not quite friends yet either, but there is definitely something there. I just don’t know if I can define exactly what that is.

All I know is that I’m scared. Scared of him, of being around him and very scared of what could happen if I keep doing this.

∞

When I arrived in Boston that first time to see Sam, I was really nervous. Nervous about what it meant, about seeing him again after that night we’d spent together and unsure about what exactly was going on between us now. I remember my heart was racing as I knocked on the door to his place, a little after four in the afternoon.

Someone who was definitely not Sam answered it.

"Can I help you?" this guy said.

"Ah yeah, I’m after Sam?" I replied nervously.

He nodded as if expecting me. "You’re Ash right? Yeah Sam should be on his way home from school, come on in."

This made me feel a little better. At least this person knew who I was and I was expected.

The apartment was pretty small and fairly crowded. It was obvious guys lived there too; it wasn’t the neatest of places.

"I’m Simon," the guy said to me. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Ash" I replied, although he already knew that. "And yeah thanks, that’d be great."

He came back with a couple of beers and handed one to me. Technically I wasn’t old enough to be drinking, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I took it gratefully and drank a big mouthful.

About four seconds later the door opened and Sam walked in. I nervously turned to look at him and when I saw the look on his face, all of my fears disappeared.

"Hey Ash, you made it," he said, a huge smile on his face as he dumped his bag, came over and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug. My body melted against his and I was reminded of the day we spent wrapped in each other’s arms on my bed before he’d come back to Boston.

"I did, thanks for the invite," I said against his shoulder.

He pulled back to look at me, pressing a kiss to my lips. "It’s really good to see you again," he whispered, before kissing me some more.

I half heard Simon groan and walk out of the room. I didn’t really care. I was just happy to be here with Sam. Relieved that he was so happy to see me and very happy about the kiss he was currently giving me. I wasn’t nervous at all anymore.

∞

In the end I go.

As I arrive at the club all I can hear is a god awful noise that appears to be some off-key combination of guitar, drums and vocals that’s being labelled as music. There’s nothing musical about it. I really hope this isn’t Luke’s band, because I surely can’t sit through this crap let alone pretend it’s actually any good. I take a chance and go in and it’s a relief to discover it’s not him.

The club is almost full, which surprises me given the band that’s currently on stage. It’s also quite dark inside, which is good, the only lights being over the stage area, which spans almost the entire back wall. I head in the opposite direction and order myself a beer, sitting at the end of the bar, trying to remain hidden. Maybe if he doesn’t know it won’t count.

The awful band finally finishes and it looks like I’m not the only one who’s grateful. I see Luke and the others come out and start setting up on stage so I know he must be on next. I take a swig of my beer and sink further into the shadows.
Infinity
comes on stage. They plug in their instruments. Luke steps up to the microphone and says a few words to the audience and then they launch into their music and quite suddenly, I’m completely blown away.

It turns out they are really, really good.

And Luke….wow, Luke is amazing. So very different to what I expected. I didn’t even realise he’d be the lead singer, I just assumed he played guitar. I notice Jared beside him, also playing guitar and the guy who gave me the drink on drums. The bass player I vaguely remember, but I can’t think what his name is.

I turn back to Luke and watch him on stage and I find myself kind of mesmerised by him. He plays with passion, conviction and skill. His body moulds to his guitar as if he knows it intimately, like it’s a part of him. It makes my stomach churn just to watch him. I close my eyes and listen. His voice is unbelievable - scratchy, raw and it sounds very, very sexy. It stirs a weird reaction deep inside of me. I open my eyes again and keep watching him. He pretty much commands that you both look and listen to him and I’m surprised to find, I can’t turn away now.

I’m shocked. Amazed. And something very strange is happening to me, a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. My skin is tingling. My body feels alive. My heart is pounding, keeping time to the beat, speeding up when they reach a chorus and slowing down for the melody. Their music is intoxicating and his voice is beautiful. They do a cover of
Dakota
that is truly amazing and the most unique version of that song I’ve ever heard. It’s dedicated to just
someone
.

I watch them play for over an hour but as soon as they finish, I have to leave. I don’t want to risk staying. I almost feel like I shouldn’t have come in the first place and I’m far too nervous to stay now. I’m too scared to see him when I’m feeling like this.

On my way back home I grab a burger to eat. I pick up some more beer from the store and I slowly walk back to my apartment. Once inside, I eat my dinner and drink another beer. I take a shower and wash the smoke off me. I take my time, stalling as I stand under the hot water, remembering the night. The lingering memory of his music and the feeling I had sitting there listening to it, watching him create it. When I finally get out and get dressed, I go to my computer, my hair wrapped in a towel and look for what I know will be there. An email, just as I expected, is sitting there in my inbox.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: And…?

There’s nothing else, no message, just that one word in the subject line and I have to stop for a second, unsure about whether I should answer. He obviously knows I was there, despite the fact I stayed at the back of the room. I should write back. It’s the right thing to do. Right?

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: And…?

That band before you really sucked.

I don’t know why I do this, but I’m playing with him. I want to tease him a little. I want to drag it out, make him want it. Do something to him like he just did to me. I hit send.

He writes back immediately.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE:RE: And…?

But…..are you going to make me beg?

Do you want more cupcakes? I’ll bring you some right now?

I smile. I can’t help it.

I wait a minute longer not really sure why I’m doing this.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE:RE:RE: And…?

Really, really good Luke – I never knew you could sing as well?!

Your band, your music, your voice, it’s all amazing.

FYI the cupcake was too. Thank u.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: And…?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for coming.…next time, stick around after we finish.

Hang out with us some more.

Cupcakes are yours anytime you want them.

I hope you liked your song.

Oh, the dedicated song. He remembered. Shit, he really remembered.

I can’t help it, I smile again and at the same time, feel something in my chest tighten at his words.

That he could want a next time. That he gave me a song.

Again, that strange feeling inside me as I realise what I’m actually smiling about is the possibility of a next time and another song. I’m smiling because of this possibility and I don’t want to think about how wrong it is. My heart’s pounding in my chest right now. It’s beating as if I’m excited or happy or turned on. I don’t know which of these feelings applies, but just for a moment I want to forget about all of the bad stuff, about all of the fear and all of the pain and just allow myself to feel it.

To hear my heart tell my body what it’s feeling and what it wants.

We keep chatting for a while about the night, about the shitty band on before him and about the music he wants to write and the ideas he has. He knows a lot about music and performing and even writing, I mean he really knows music. It reminds me so much of Selena and all the times she used to talk to me about it, I can imagine the two of them would’ve never stopped talking had they met in another lifetime. And now I know about his band, now that I’ve seen them and told him how good they are, it’s like a floodgate has been opened. He has so many ideas, so many plans. He sends me words he has written, links to songs he likes. I can see that music is his real passion and I know that his band has potential to do great things. I hope it works out for him.

By the time we both crash, I’m surprised to see it’s now 4am and I have over forty emails in my inbox.

I’m also still smiling. My heart’s still racing and for the first time in so many months I feel different, lighter even. I want to saviour this feeling.

Because I know what this feeling is now.

Tonight as I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep, his music enters my dreams. It’s all I hear at first and it replaces my usual nightmare for a while. It feels like a small breath of fresh air after months of barely being able to breathe.

When I wake up the next morning however, the nightmare has come back. The same strangled cry pulls me from my sleep and I have to force the images away, try to forget that awful picture that sears itself into my brain every single night and instead remember the previous evening. The band, their music and especially Luke’s voice. It makes me smile and although my heart is pounding from the nightmare, I feel it change slightly when I think about last night. When I remember how I felt watching him, listening to him. I wish I could let him know how it made me feel.

I wish I could let him know how much it affected me.

I wish I could let him know that he made me happy, if just for one night.

∞

Selena was a bit like me in that she was also pretty shy. It wasn’t the only thing we had in common, but I guess like Grace and me, it’s what made it that much easier for us to relate to each other. It also meant that Selena had trouble getting herself a boyfriend, because she just didn’t put herself out there. Even my Dad tried to fix her up a few times and that’s saying something from the man who only had a handful of girlfriends after he lost his wife.

I can remember the day I decided we needed to be proactive about it all. "Let’s put your profile on one of those websites?" I suggested.

"No way!" Selena had said immediately.

"Come on Selena, it’ll be great, they aren’t as crappy as they used to be."

"Yeah but they’re full of crazies who post fake pictures of themselves just to try and get laid," she said, handing me a coffee.

I was spending the weekend with her in Boston. It was actually Valentine’s Day weekend, which is probably what spurred me on to suggest it in the first place. The two of us had spent the night watching romantic comedies and lamenting our non-existent love life. Adam had only just died a couple of months ago and I remember Selena handing me a glass of wine the night before and saying, "Well if you’re old enough to have sex, then I figure you probably need a drink too. Just don’t tell your Dad," she said smiling. "Or Seth!"

I laughed, taking the glass from her. I’m pretty sure she knew I’d been drunk before, thanks namely to Seth anyway.

So that’s how we’d spent our sad miserable Valentine’s Day. Drinking a couple of bottles of wine and watching cheesy movies. The next morning under the burden of a light hangover and over a greasy breakfast, I came up with the idea.

"Come on Selena, it’ll be great, we’ll screen them and we can have a code to get you out of a bad date or something."

"You do realise you live in Providence, so it will be a long way to come and rescue me from a bad date!"

I took a sip of the coffee trying to think of a way to make her agree to this. Seventeen year old me trying to set up her twenty-eight year old aunt. "How about you make your first date on a weekend when I’m here, then I can happen to stroll by and if it’s not working out, you can see me and have an excuse to bail?" I suggested.

She stood there looking at me like I was an idiot, but I could tell she was thinking about it. I imagined she was pretty lonely up here at times, so was maybe thinking the idea of a boyfriend wasn’t such a bad one.

As if to fortify herself, she took a sip of coffee, ran her fingers through her hair and said, "Ok, what the hell, let’s try it."

So that’s what we did, we posted Selena’s profile at www.theselonelyhearts.com mainly because they offered a four month free trial, so really she had nothing to lose anyway.