I Love You to Death (10 page)

If only that had been true.

∞

The week after Luke’s concert, I find a CD waiting in my locker, another cupcake sitting on top of it, almost like it’s enticing me. When I take Luke his morning coffee, I hold it up to him and ask, "A mixed tape?"

He smiles at me and says, "No, it’s actually a recording of our stuff, thought maybe you might like it?" It almost looks as though he’s blushing now.

As I look at the CD in my hand, I wonder just how good they really are. "You guys have an album?"

Yeah, Luke is definitely blushing now, as he keeps smiling at me. "No, I mean we paid to record one once, just as a potential demo, but to be honest, it’s pretty basic. You’ll see when you listen, the sound isn’t great, but you know…." He does that thing where he runs his hand over his hair again. "I just thought you might like it, you seemed to like it the other night," he finishes quietly.

Watching Luke, I can see he’s looking at me intently now. His eyes are very dark, he isn’t blushing anymore, but he’s watching me, waiting for my reaction. It makes me nervous, him looking at me like this and I can already feel a blush creeping up my own cheeks now, my heart beating slightly faster than normal.

"Thanks," is all I can say at first, looking at the CD of his music that I’m holding. "And you’re right, I did really like your music, you guys are, um…" I look back at him gesturing with the CD in my hand as though this will make sense to him, "…really good."

He laughs a little now. "Thanks Ash, I’m glad you came along."

As I stand there looking at him sipping his coffee, I wonder again, how he even knew I was there. "I actually didn’t think you’d seen me that night?"

There’s that hand over the hair again. "I saw you," he says quietly, taking another sip of his coffee, his eyes watching me the whole time.

Yep, heart is definitely going faster now.

We both stand there in silence, just drinking our coffees and half watching each other. It all feels a little strange. I know that I’m nervous and I’m pretty sure he is too, although I don’t really know why. I’m also not sure what to think of Luke’s gift, the CD. It’s true I did really like their music, but is that why he gave it to me.

Why is he being so nice to me?

∞

The fourth guy that contacted Selena was the one she ended up going out with. We both had a good laugh looking through all the guys that posted on the site, but when it came to going through the ones who specifically contacted her, we tried to be a little bit more serious. That wasn’t always so easy.

I’d come up the weekend after Valentine’s Day so we could go through them. She said she’d had four emails but was too scared to look at them until she had some moral support. I was glad she thought of me.

Mystery guy number one drove trucks around the country and was basically looking for a pit stop every time he dropped by Boston. He seemed very serious about the whole thing although he was open about all the other cities he had women lined up in. I guess that’s something, but he still went straight to the deleted pile. Mystery guy number two had a couple of kids, although he said he was divorced.

Selena wasn’t anti-kids, but as she said, "It’s not what I’m looking for right now, so yeah it’s mean, but no thanks."

I was secretly glad about that as I wasn’t quite prepared to share her that much yet either. Mystery guy number three, was in a word, weird. In keeping with his number, he was looking for women to take part in threesomes. He promised discretion and enjoyment with himself and another woman, and asked whether Selena was interested. One look from her and I laughed and hit delete again.

Then came mystery guy number four. He seemed half decent, at least on paper, a good catch in fact. Early thirties, been out of a long-term relationship four years now, no kids, stable job in Boston and was looking for like-minded woman to have some fun with.

"What do you think?" I asked her.

Selena was biting her thumb nail, something she always did when she was nervous. "Ok, I’m being totally shallow here, but what does he look like?"

I logged on to her account and had a look. Not bad, not bad at all actually. Turning to her and smiling, I asked, "Well?"

"Why the hell is he single?" she asked me. "If he’s that good, why’s he single?"

I laughed then, reaching to pull her thumb from her mouth. "The same could be said for you Selena. What do you think, give him a go?"

I was holding her hands in mine, stopping her from chewing them again. She was twitching in her chair and I knew she was nervous. "Come on, it’ll be fun," I said. "Meet him in a public place, don’t bring him home with you and just see what happens?"

She was still looking unsure so I said, "Do you want me to come with you?" Knowing it would provoke a reaction from her.

"NO!" she yelled. "Geez, could I look any more like a child bringing a chaperone on a first date?"

I was definitely laughing now. "Ok, come on, let’s organise a date for next weekend. I’ll come up and worst case, it sucks, you leave and we hang out for the night. One try, what do you say?"

Eventually she agreed.

They went out the very next weekend. She came home that night as promised, but the date was good. Selena was happy. "Thanks Ash," she said. "You were right, I needed that." They’d arranged to meet up again and I was very glad she’d agreed to it all.

Four weeks later that all changed.

Four weeks later this guy, Kyle he was calling himself, showed his true colours. No one really understands what happened. Selena had said he was fantastic, that everything was going well. She thought maybe things might be getting serious. I wasn’t coming up on weekends all the time now, just so she could enjoy being with him. I hadn’t met him yet, but from everything she’d told me, I thought he seemed great, really great.

But then Selena wasn’t seen for four days straight. I remember calling her during that time and not getting an answer, either at home or on her cell. I was trying to organise my next visit, figured she was out with Kyle, having a good time.

I was really happy for her.

Unfortunately Selena was lying dead in her apartment. Forty-four stab wounds to her body. A fatal one through her heart which ended her life. For four days she had lain there. Four days until her neighbour noticed and called the super.

Turns out, Kyle was wanted in several other states. He’d done this before. Seemed to enjoy pretending to be this fantastic guy who lured his victims in through these matchmaking websites. Would often spend months convincing them he was the one and when they finally succumbed, he brutally murdered them like it was some kind of game. Selena was his fourth victim. That they knew of anyway.

Of course she never would have known him if it wasn’t for me pushing her to try the online dating thing in the first place. Pushing her to go out with him.

Convincing her to just give him a go.

∞

When I get home tonight I listen to the CD Luke gave me. He’s right, it’s very basic, very rough, but still, it’s all there. You can hear his voice, hear their music, and feel their passion. I turn it up loud and sit in the middle of my living room floor with a beer and just listen to them. It’s not the same as the club, but when I close my eyes, for a second I can almost pretend I’m there, almost.

All of the songs are theirs and I wonder who writes them. Who comes up with these words and all the sounds that go with them. I wonder how long he’s been playing guitar and singing, because he’s really, really good at it. Listening to it makes me want to see them live. I really want to watch Luke create this in front of me again.

I leave his CD on repeat when I go to bed and for the first time since Sam died, I’m able to fall asleep without fear. For the first time since Sam died, I don’t have any nightmares at all. For the first time since Sam died, I sleep all the way through the night, waking up the next morning to the sunlight streaming through my window and the sound of Luke’s voice echoing through my apartment. It feels amazing to finally sleep a full night in complete peace and without fear. It’s even more amazing to wake up to the sound of his voice and their music. I lie in bed for a while, just listening as I watch the sunlight dance across my bedroom ceiling. There are no sounds except for Luke and his music and I feel like I could lie here all day listening to it.

I feel strangely happy again and wonder what I have to do to hang on to this feeling.

Quintessence, the elusive fifth element that is tuned perfection in music and total destruction in nature

∞

Playlist
:

1. Hurricane – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. White blank page – Mumford & Sons

3. Poison & wine – The Civil Wars

∞

Anger and fear can turn you into a different person. They mask what you’re really feeling, and they allow you to destroy something that doesn’t deserve it, something that should be cared for and protected. But being exposed, forces you to raise your defences and in doing so, you quite often lash out at the very thing you should actually be embracing.

Fighting with someone is like that, and it’s even worse when you fight with someone you care about, someone you love. Because then you know all of each other’s strengths and all of each other’s weaknesses. Then you are fully armed to do the most damage.

I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I hate it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry. Because I’ve also always beared a grudge that time doesn’t make any easier to let go of. I can show my true anger when really provoked. I need to vent, I can’t help it, the mask I wear to hide the rest of me is hard enough, so when the anger builds, it really has nowhere else to go but out.

And I’m sorry if you’re on the receiving end of it.

∞

Sam and I never really fought when we were together, but on the odd occasion when we did, it was always about the same thing. The same old fight would repeat itself and over and over again, and as usual we got nowhere with the outcome.

The last time we had that fight, something else happened, although really, it should’ve been so obvious it would eventually. It all started when we went to a work party of his. I didn’t really want to go, mostly because I wasn’t going to know anyone and I hated situations like that. Sam knew that but in the end he talked me into going anyway.

"Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise they’re not all computer nerds like you think they are."

I looked at him, a doubtful expression on my face. "You sure about that? You do work for an IT company remember."

He laughed, pulling me to him to give me a kiss. "Yeah and look at how sexy you think I am!"

I couldn’t help but laugh too. He was right, he wasn’t your typical computer geek so maybe I was wrong to assume everyone else would be. Even Nate was cool and he’d been studying the same course.

So we went and for the first hour or so I did have a good time. But then everyone was drinking and talking about work. Sam was having a great time and they were all doing shots of tequila. I felt left out. I hardly knew any of them and I certainly didn’t know what they were talking about.

As the night wore on, I was getting more and more drunk, but having less and less fun. Eventually I said to Sam, "Can we go? I’ve had enough."

Sam was wasted by this stage and could only laugh and say, "No, it’s fun, let’s stay."

I knew I shouldn’t be pissed at him. Knew he had every right to have fun and stay at the party, I knew it was me being the bitch. But he’d hardly talked to me all night and I really wanted to just go.

"Sam, I want to go," I tried once more.

"Geez Ash, come on, just stay, talk to people, have fun," he answered. He was really drunk now as I pulled him into the kitchen with me.

"Sam, I don’t know these people. You’re hardly talking to me and I just want to go ok, please?"

"Well Ash, I want to stay, for once, I want to stay and have some fun."

For once. What the hell did that mean?

In the end I told him I was going anyway. Mumbled some goodbye to him that I’m not even sure he heard and just walked home by myself. It wasn’t cold outside, and although it was dark, I wasn’t scared. The T was no longer running but I didn’t have far to go. On the way home, I checked my phone. Nothing from Sam, but there was a missed call from my Dad. I smiled as I listened to the voicemail.

"Ash, it’s me. I think I’m really frikkin lost. If it says I’m in Dorchester that’s a bad thing right? Call me back if you get this – love you kiddo."

I smiled to myself. My Dad was hopeless with directions. He’d been visiting us and although it wasn’t dark when he left, Sam suggested he crash with us and drive home the next day.

Dad had smiled and said, "Nah, I’ll just head back now so I’m not woken up by you two stumbling in drunk in the middle of the night."

I remember I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. "Thanks so much for coming up Dad, I seriously appreciate it," I said before waving, as he drove away from us.

I tried calling him back even though it was nearly 2am, but his phone rang out, eventually going to voicemail. I left him a message asking him to call when he woke up and then staggered the rest of the way home and crashed.

Sometime later, Sam stumbled in. He was pretty pissed by this stage waking me up to ask, "Where the hell did you disappear to?"

As I sat up, still half asleep I answered him. "I told you I was leaving, that was over two hours ago."

"Well I had no idea where you were Ash," he slurred back at me. "No idea what had happened to you!"

"Doesn’t look as though you cared too much," I yelled back at him. I was probably being childish, but I’d left the party over two hours ago and he hadn’t tried to stop me or even rung to find out if I was ok. I wondered if he even noticed I was gone until he went to leave.

"What the hell was wrong with you tonight?" he slurred again.