I Love You to Death (15 page)

Dad had died about six months earlier and I’d been asking Seth if he and Lara would come to Boston for Christmas, begging them to come and spend it with us. In the end they both agreed and I was beyond excited. I wanted him to come home. I missed him, but more than that, I needed him. I still had Sam of course, but I needed my brother, my family. I didn’t want to go through that first one without him.

When they flew in, Sam and I had our own place and they came to stay with us, crashing on the couch. I can remember when they first showed up. The knock on the door that Sam made no move to answer.

When I opened it, there they were, just standing on the other side smiling. "Merry Christmas Smash," Seth said, wrapping me in a hug and picking me up. He was tall like my dad and could easily lift me off the ground.

"Hey," I squealed with delight. "I thought you weren’t getting in until tomorrow morning?"

"Nah, bit of a lie that was, wanted to surprise you!" Both he and Lara were clearly delighted at my obvious shock.

I turned around and saw Sam smiling. "You knew about this?" I asked him.

"Of course," he said as if it was no big deal, even though he and I both knew it was. I pulled him towards us, hugging all of them and feeling happier than I had in a long time.

Eventually Seth said, "Okay should we dump these bags and hit the town?"

I reluctantly let him go. I’d missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since Dad’s funeral when he’d had to leave town almost straight after. We went out that night to a local pub down the road that Sam and I liked to visit. It was one of the best nights I’d had in a long time. Just the four of us having a great time with good food and a lot of laughs. I couldn’t stop hugging Seth, I was so happy to see both him and Lara.

After Christmas had come and gone, they were supposed to go. They both wanted to try and catch up with friends for New Year’s in San Diego. "You don’t want to just stay here," I asked again, repeating what I’d been saying ever since they first arrived. "Stay and spend it with us."

Seth stood there looking at me and just smiled.

"What?" I asked confused.

"It’s already done," he said. "We changed the tickets weeks ago." He laughed when he saw my reaction and I was never more grateful. I knew what both of them were giving up for me. They had so little time together or with their friends. I knew it was a big deal for them to stay on with me, to know I would need them this year.

By the time New Year’s came around, a snow storm had hit the city. It was pretty wild and they were closing more and more streets to traffic as the plows couldn’t cope with the combination of party goers and snow. Most people were walking anyway, no chance of getting a taxi. We went to a party someone from Sam’s work was throwing. It was a great night. We rang in the New Year and partied until 6am. By the time we staggered home, all of us were drunk and the snow was still falling. What should have taken us fifteen minutes took over an hour. But we didn’t care.

We all crashed for the day and when we woke sometime in the afternoon, Seth and Lara were already running late for their flight. The snow was still falling and a lot of the trains weren’t running, so they’d have to get a car to the airport.

"The plane probably won’t even take off," I said to Seth, a hangover pounding its way into my head.

"Yeah you’re probably right," he answered. "But we still need to get out there and get something sorted."

"When are you coming back?" I asked. "Will you be back soon?" I was already missing him and he hadn’t even left yet.

He smiled at me, his eyes bloodshot and barely open. "How about summer, we can come back then. Maybe we can head out to the Cape or something?"

I gave him a hug, standing on my toes to tell him, "Thank you Seth that would be perfect."

"Of course Smash, we’ll get it organised."

When he finally found a car company that would take them to the airport, they packed their bags and I waited downstairs with them.

"Thanks for a great couple of weeks Ash," Lara said. "We really had a great time."

I smiled at her. "Thank you for staying on. Really, I appreciate it more than you can know."

Lara pulled me into a hug, "Anytime Ash, you know that. Send me some of the photos you took."

"I will, definitely."

Seth smiled sideways at us. "Come on my turn."

Lara and I said our goodbyes and then I wrapped my arms tightly around Seth. "Thank you," I whispered. "I love that you would stay here for me this year."

He tightened his arms around me whispering, "Aw sis, you really don’t have to worry about that. You’re my baby sister and I mean it when I say I’d do anything for you."

I pulled him into a tighter hug. "I know that Seth and it just makes me love you even more," I said quietly.

When the car eventually showed up, I reluctantly let Seth go. The last thing I remember is his big goofy smile as he waved at me from the back seat of the car, blowing me a kiss as they pulled away. I watched as the two of them drove off, Seth turning back in and wrapping his arm around Lara and pulling her close to him. I went back inside with a smile on my face, despite the pounding in my head.

They told me they died instantly.

The roads were covered in ice from the previous night and the snow was still falling. An SUV they said, from out of nowhere, just as their car was leaving the tunnel and turning towards Logan. An SUV, which was travelling too fast on ice-covered roads and ploughed into Seth’s side of the car, forcing it against the safety barrier and crushing them both.

They didn’t even give him a military funeral. Not killed in action, they said. Sam argued with them. He tried to sort out everything for me. I didn’t fight it, I just couldn’t. All I cared about was my brother. All I cared about was that my brother was dead and I was never going to see him again.

We buried him in Providence a few days later. It was freezing, the ground frozen solid as I laid him to rest, right beside my mother and my father. I’d sworn I wouldn’t go back there again. Lara’s family had her cremated, but they let me bury some of her ashes with Seth. It was the first time I’d seen her family since the engagement party and it was agony. And in the end, it was her parents I gave the photos to, some final reminders of the last days of their daughter’s life. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since that day.

Seth and Lara never should have been on the road. They never should have been here at all. They should’ve been in San Diego with their friends instead of babysitting a little sister who was afraid of having a birthday without her brother.

My brother was dead. Lara was dead. They were dead because they’d come to visit me, because I’d begged them to stay and they did. They were dead because I couldn’t bear to be alone on my birthday, and now I am anyway.

∞

I wake up late, my sleep surprisingly free of nightmares once again. I’m grateful for that, so glad Luke didn’t have to listen to or witness me sleep through it all again. Outside the snow has stopped falling and the sun is shining. The brightness of all that white looks amazing, almost like the whole world has been wiped clean. A fresh start to a new year.

I go out to the living room and see that Luke has already gone. The blankets are folded and stacked at the end of the couch and I feel a tiny shred of what I think is disappointment at the fact he’s no longer here.

I walk into the kitchen and instantly know he’s brewed coffee before he left though. The smell is amazing and I wonder if he’s gone out and bought it. I don’t think I own anything that could smell that good. He must have, because sitting beside the coffee pot is a bag of chocolate croissants. I smile as I dig one out and pour myself some coffee.

Standing there at the window, watching the whitened street outside, eating my croissant and drinking my coffee, I smile again. Hanging from the window frame is a collection of guitar picks, strung together in some kind of mini mobile. Most of them are clear plastic in a variety of colours and as they dance around in the window, the sun shines through them, dispersing the light around the room.

Everywhere, tiny patches of coloured light dance all around me and it looks incredibly beautiful.

I’m still smiling when I realise in the end, yesterday didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Deep down, a part of me hopes, wishes even, that maybe this really could be a new year after all.

A couple of weeks after my birthday, I once again find something in my locker. Of course I know who it’s from, what I don’t know is why he keeps doing this. This time it’s movie tickets. An Underworld movie marathon is showing tonight. Vampire movies, he knows I love vampire movies. I make his coffee without asking and take it out to the kitchen for him.

"What’s this?" I ask, holding the tickets up.

He turns to me and half smiles. "Um, movie tickets," he says carefully, as though I’m suggesting they’re something more.

"What for?" I ask him. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t know why he’s bought these for me, why he keeps being so nice to me.

"For you Ash," he says simply. "I know you like the series, so I thought you might want to go. They’re all yours. Call it a belated birthday present?"

That’s all. No request to go out, nothing, just a gift from him to me. Again. I exhale.
What am I doing,
I ask myself.

"Ok, well thanks," I say. I turn to walk out, but suddenly stop. What I
am
doing is being rude. I’m being very rude to the one person who has been nothing but nice to me. So I turn around, walk back over and leave one of the tickets beside Luke’s coffee. This is as close as I can get to asking if he wants to come with me. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter because I don’t have anyone else to ask. Without saying anything, I look up at him, even though I know he’s watched me the whole time. He smiles at me and I nervously smile back. Neither of us says anything to each other.

Later that night, I’m leaving my apartment to head over to the movies when I see Luke waiting outside for me. I stop. He hasn’t noticed me yet so I stand there for just a second and watch him. Watch as he leans against the brick fence surrounding my building and watches the people passing him by. He’s bundled inside a thick jacket and although it’s cold out, he looks so relaxed, so calm, so sure, like he isn’t worried about anything. It’s a rare opportunity for me to stare at him instead of the other way around. But almost as soon as I’ve thought it, he turns and sees me.

"Hey," he says smiling at me. "Ready to go?"

I didn’t expect him to come to my house first. Didn’t expect him to come at all. I smile back at him as I answer, "Sure, let’s go."

We walk in silence to the cinema. It’s one of those older ones that occasionally screen movie marathons to try and get people to come back. It doesn’t have the best screen, but it does serve popcorn with real butter melted on it. Not the crap they serve in those mega complexes.

When we get inside I turn to Luke. "Something to eat, drink?" I ask.

He looks at me like he’s about to say something, but before he can I tell him, "I’m getting it, you bought the tickets." I don’t want this to be like a date.

He holds up his hands, smiling. "Ok thanks, coke and popcorn would be great."

I smile back at him and go and buy our stuff.

Inside the cinema we are two of only a handful of people. Luke automatically walks to the row of seating behind the wall they have to divide the front and back sections. My favourite spot.

"Ok?" He asks.

"Perfect," I say back.

We both take our jackets off and sit down, we both put our feet up and we both avoid the arm rest that sits between us. I don’t take it and neither does he.

Half way through the first movie though, we somehow both move our arm at the same time. Both of us are now resting on the arm rest between us. Both of us are pretending to ignore the fact that our arms are side by side and touching. Even though I know he’s twice held me in his arms while I cried all over him, this feels very different. We’ve both done this and we are both choosing to keep our arms there. Touching. I spend the rest of the movie half watching it and half feeling the heat along the side of my arm. Waiting for Luke to move, wondering if I should. In the end, neither of us does until the movies finish.

They only show the first two, but it’s late when we come out. We’re standing outside the cinema facing each other. We both speak at the same time.

"Do you..."

"You want…"

Luke smiles, "You go."

I smile back. "Thanks for tonight Luke, for the tickets, for coming along." That’s not what I was going to say before.

"Thanks for inviting me," he says to me. I don’t think that’s what he was going to say either.

We stand in silence again. Watching each other.

Finally I speak, "You ah….you want to grab a drink or…um, something to eat?" I turn away at the end, somehow unable to keep looking at him as I make this suggestion.

Luke moves so he’s looking right at me, bends down so I have to see him as he answers, "Yeah, I would Ash. That’d be great."

We walk in silence for a block or two until we come across a bar which has a live band playing. Both of us stop and turn to face each other. Smiling Luke says, "Here?"

Again, I smile back. "Yeah, here is good."

We go in and find ourselves a table. We grab something to eat, we have a few drinks and we listen to this band. Luke tells me he’s never seen the third movie. I tell him it’s actually a prequel and while not as good, still relevant to the story and now there’s a fourth one out too. He says maybe we should watch them sometime. I surprise myself when I agree with him.

And here tonight, all of those email conversations we’ve had suddenly become real life. All of those easy online chats suddenly become easy to have face to face. All the shit that happened with Liam and then with Luke afterwards, is forgotten. I’m not sure how this has happened, but suddenly it has. Suddenly we are acting like friends.

Nothing more happens tonight, nothing more than us talking and me somehow having a good time. Later though, when I’m back home, I realise what has really happened. I’ve been distracted by the simple act of going to the movies and grabbing a drink afterwards. I’ve been distracted from my shit life, by something that is just so normal. And it was all because of Luke.