I Love You to Death (19 page)

I wonder what I should do.

When I walk into the kitchen, I’m distracted from my thoughts because something smells divine, I mean truly divine.

"Hey," I say, "coffee?"

Luke looks up at me and smiles. God, he really does have a nice smile. I feel myself smiling back at him, and my first thought is maybe he doesn’t know what Mia said to me.

"Sure, thanks Ash. Then come back out here, I have something for you," he says before he goes back to doing whatever he’s doing. I turn and walk out to the front, not sure exactly what that something will be. Maybe he does know what she said. I have no idea, I really have no idea.

I make us coffee. I walk back into the kitchen and I go over to Luke and put his coffee down. In front of him are a row of plates. Each of them has a different dish on it. All of them look delicious. The room smells amazing. And Luke looks excited.

"Thanks," he says, when I gesture towards his mug. He smiles when he sees the cup of black coffee in my hands. I take a sip to hide whatever it is I’m feeling. Am I blushing?

Luke wipes his hands on a cloth and pulls out a stool for me, motioning for me to sit down. I look at him questioningly, but don’t say anything, just sit.

"Okay," he finally says. "I need you to try these for me."

I look up at him, "Why?"

He laughs. "Well for one thing, I’m trying to decide what to put on the menu and I’d really like your opinion."

"You want me to tell you what tastes good?" I ask, completely stating the obvious.
God what is wrong with me?

"Yeah," he confirms. "I really want your opinion. I mean you do like my cupcakes," he continues, giving me another little smile at the same time.

"That’s because they’re really good Luke," I stupidly say.
Oh shit, shit
. Why, am I saying all of this? What the hell is wrong with me?
Just shut up Ash, shut the hell up.

"Here," he says, holding out a fork to me, full of what looks like scrambled eggs.

I take the fork from his hand, our fingers brushing. I can see that my hand is shaking. I don’t know if he sees it, he’s too busy looking at my face. He watches as I take the fork from his hand and put it in my mouth. Oh wow, it’s amazing. So creamy and tasty, I can’t help the moan that escapes my lips.

He laughs again. "Good then?"

I can only nod because I’m too busy getting another serving of the eggs. I’m glad I don’t normally have breakfast.

He takes the fork from my hand. "Okay, hold up, you need to try them all first," he says before putting the same fork into his mouth.

I sit there just staring at him. Watch as he takes the fork from my hand and puts this same fork in his mouth. The same fork I just used to eat from. I feel my stomach flip and I know it’s definitely not from the eggs.

When he takes this same fork, gets some of the next dish and holds it out to me, my stomach positively rolls. I reach out to take it, but my hands are still shaking, badly. I grip my coffee instead, trying to force them to stop with the burning heat.

Now I know he notices.

"Here," he says softly, as he gestures the fork towards my mouth.

His eyes watch me intently and I feel trapped in his gaze, unable to move. I have no other option, so I just lean in and let him feed me.

This time something shorts out in my brain. I don’t know if it’s from the food he’s given me or the fact that he’s fed me or both. Whatever it is, I like it. I like all of it.

The dish is a frittata and it’s full of roasted vegetables and some gorgeous tasting cheese. The fork that has just been in his mouth is once again in mine. It’s almost like he’s letting me taste him, as though we’re tasting each other. When I take the food, I watch Luke, as he watches my mouth and I keep watching him as he slides the fork out. This time I notice his eyes darken.

Already, this is driving me crazy and we’re only getting started.

He smiles at me again. "Good?" he asks and I don’t even know where to begin.

I nod and take another sip of coffee, holding the mug in both hands. I watch as Luke takes a bite of the second dish, tasting what he’s just given me. Tasting me too. He moves onto the next dish and again he feeds it to me. Again he watches me as I taste it, and again he tastes the food after me. Then he moves on to the next one.

There are eight plates in total and by the end of it, I feel like I’m drunk.

After the last dish, when Luke has tasted some of it, he puts the fork down, takes a sip of coffee, looks at me and asks, "So, what do you think?"

I think my eyes have glazed over. I think my brain has completely switched off and exited the building. I’m licking my lips, trying to savour all of the flavours he’s given me, trying to work out exactly what has just happened. I’m trying to get the butterflies that have suddenly taken up residence in my stomach, to slow down.

They won’t.

And all Luke does is look at me with those dark blue eyes, smile questioningly and ask, "Did you like any of them?"

I groan, I can’t help it and Luke lets out a soft laugh when I do.

"All of them," I finally say. "All of them are amazing."

His smile is bigger now and he hands the fork back to me. "Great, finish them off for me and we’ll put them all on the menu."

I do. I finish them. Luke grabs another fork now and helps. We sit there in comfortable silence sharing the food he’s made. The food that’s sending my taste buds to heaven and back. The same food he’s just fed to me. As I sit there watching him eat, a crazy thought enters my head. I suddenly wonder what it would be like to
really
taste him. What he would taste like if I just leant over and kissed him. I’m distracted by the thought and our fingers brush against each other as we reach for the same dish. It sends strange sensations up my arm and when I sneak a look to see if Luke has felt it too, he’s intently watching his fork, but he’s smiling.

Shit, I think Mia must have said something to him after all.

∞

When I got together with Sam, I desperately wanted everyone else to like him too. I really wanted my Dad and Seth to like him and more than that, I wanted Sam to like them.

We’d been together for about eight weeks when I decided I’d better introduce him to everyone. I knew Seth was back in town on leave, so I arranged for us to go down to Providence and for me to get this whole introduction thing over and done with.

"What’s the big deal Ash?" Sam had asked me the night before. "I’m sure everything’s going to be fine!"

Maybe for him yes, but for me, I wasn’t so sure. Sam was my first serious boyfriend. My first real boyfriend to be honest and I was in love with him. I wasn’t worried about how Sam felt about me, I was worried about what my family would think. I needed them to like him and him to like them. I wanted it to be like Lara and Seth. Dad adored Lara and she adored him. She was an easy fit into our family and even when Seth wasn’t around she would still go and see my Dad.

That’s what I wanted with Sam.

So one sunny Saturday morning, we hopped on a train and went down to Providence. My Dad was going to BBQ at home and we would crash there for the weekend. I remember walking out of the train station and finding Dad standing there, a grin on his face as he waited for us.

"Dad!" I yelled, flying into his arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I’d come and pick you up kiddo, meet this fella of yours first before we subject him to Seth," he answered laughing as he pressed a kiss to my cheek.

I turned and watched as Sam walked towards us, hand out to my Dad. "Hey, I’m Sam, nice to meet you Mr Black."

I watched Dad smile back at him as he said, "Huh, so you’re the one my girl is crazy about then?" Blushing I turned to Sam, watched as he smiled at me before turning back to Dad and saying without hesitation, "More than just crazy about sir, but yeah that’s me."

Dad nodded just the tiniest bit then, as though he really liked his answer before he shook Sam’s hand saying, "It’s Michael and very nice to meet you too."

Dad drove us home and while I was a lot more relaxed that one of the introductions was over and done with, I knew I’d suffer at the hands of Seth. He might be my brother and I loved him very much, but he certainly liked to tease me if he had the chance.

And just as I expected, Seth couldn’t resist. "So, it’s true love then?" he asked us teasingly, as we all sat down together.

"Absolutely," Sam said without hesitation, pulling me closer.

We were sitting around the outdoor table on the deck while Dad cooked steaks nearby. Sam was sitting next to me with his arm around my shoulders and while Seth and Lara were virtually a mirror image of us across the table, Seth was smiling like a complete loon in our direction.

"Seth!" Lara said sternly, swatting him on the chest with her hand.

"What?" he asked laughing again.

I couldn’t help but blush, even as Sam squeezed my shoulder, trying to reassure me. I was hoping that Seth could restrain himself, but evidently his politeness when I first introduced them was to be short-lived.

"Don’t tease your poor sister like that," Lara continued smiling in sympathy at me.

Sam leant over to kiss my temple, seemingly unconcerned about what was being said as Seth continued. "Come on, I was only pointing out how cosy they are and enquiring as to whether they were in love."

"No you ass, you were trying to embarrass Ash."

I was shaking my head now, silently thanking Lara whilst trying to work out a way to get back at Seth. I know he was only teasing me, but it was the last thing I needed right now. I was already nervous about him meeting Sam, I didn’t need him to embarrass me any more.

"And you’re hardly one to talk Seth," Dad suddenly said, walking over from the grill. "It’s not like you weren’t a complete basket case when you were trying to get together with Lara."

I laughed at Dad’s words, knowing only too well how true they were. And now it was Seth’s turn to be embarrassed, although he hid it well, raising his eyebrows at me as he asked, "What are you talking about?"

Lara snorted with laughter as I jumped in and said, "Um, you mooned after her for weeks Seth. And then that night at the party, god you were like a lovesick puppy, following her around all night."

"I was not!" Seth said.

"Ah, yeah you were," Lara and I said at the same time, laughing.

"Really?" Seth asked genuinely, turning to look at Lara.

"Afraid so baby," she replied, smiling as she brushed his cheek with her hand. "Isn’t that right Ash?" she asked, turning to look at me.

I just laughed, nodding my head as Dad gestured with his tongs in Seth’s direction. "Completely pathetic," he said making a face, before turning to smile at me.

"A pathetic, love-sick puppy huh?" Seth confirmed.

"Understatement of the year bro," I confirmed.

Seth thought about it for a second, looking first at me and Sam, sitting together with Sam’s arm around my shoulders, before he turned back to look at Lara.

"Oh well, totally worth it," was all he said, shrugging before he leant in and kissed her.

I rolled my eyes before turning back to Sam, who was looking at me with a smile on his face. I was about to ask him what he was smiling about, but he just leant in and kissed me too and pretty soon, I forgot all about Seth’s teasing.

Later that night when Seth found me alone in the kitchen, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, laughing as he said to me, "Sorry about earlier Ash, I guess you must really be mad about this guy?"

"Why do you say that?" I asked, glancing out to the living room where I could see Sam talking to Dad and Lara.

"Um because of how nervous you were today," he said laughing at me.

I was nervous yes, but it was only because I wanted them to like Sam, love him like I did. "I just want you guys to like him Seth," I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

"We do Smasha, he seems like a really great guy."

I smiled up at him then as I answered, "He is Seth, he’s really great."

"Good," Seth said, kissing the top of my head. "But if he ever hurts you, then I’ll kick his ass!"

I laughed, knowing that would never happen and just like that, it was over. Dad, Seth and Lara all thought Sam was great, and Sam really liked all of them too. Everybody got on and I didn’t know what the hell I was ever worried about. Whatever it was, it had been for nothing.

At least then anyway.

∞

When I wake up this morning, the first thing I hear is voices, coming from my kitchen. I lie here for a second, but before I feel afraid, laughter comes and I instantly recognise it. Smiling, I pull myself out of bed and walk in to the kitchen. I stand silently in the doorway and watch them. They haven’t noticed me yet, but there they are; Dad and Luke, sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and laughing together like they’re old friends. I watch them for a minute, the smile still on my face. I knew they’d get on, of course, they are so alike in so many ways. I wonder where Seth is. It’s a pity he can’t be here too, because I know he would also like Luke. They turn to me and they both smile. I’m about to walk in and give my Dad a hug when he says to me
hey kiddo, you’re awake, about time sleepy head.

And it’s with those words that I suddenly know.

This isn’t really happening, this isn’t real. I’m dreaming and as much as I want to stay in this dream, I can’t, already I’m being pulled awake, pulled from this picture. I don’t understand how the nightmares can hold me so tightly but this dream can so easily let me go. All I want to do is stay, but I can’t.

My eyes open.

The sun is streaming through my window and it’s the start of a beautiful day. Luke’s voice still echoes softly through my room, but I’m not dreaming anymore. Today is Sunday, but it’s more than that and I think I know why I had that dream now.

I get up, take a shower, get dressed and walk outside. I buy two coffees and I keep walking. I know exactly where I’m going. Without thinking about it, I just keep walking. I’m very nervous when I knock on the door, but the look on his face when he opens it, changes that.