I Love You to Death (16 page)

I wonder if he even knows what he’s doing to me, if he even realises how much he’s affecting me. And I wonder why I’m letting any of this happen. Everything would be so much easier if it could always be like this.

Seven, a neutral pH that like a seventh note is dependent on its surrounding environment

∞

Playlist
:

1. I’ve got this friend – The Civil Wars

2. Friends – Band of Skulls

3. To whom it may concern – The Civil Wars

∞

Every situation you find yourself in can go in any number of different possible directions. All it takes is one little trigger and something changes. One thing which at the time might seem like nothing important but actually, has the power to change everything and that change can be good or bad.

I’ve often wondered if maybe I tried to change a situation, would it ever create a different outcome or, does making the change just create the very situation I’m trying to avoid. Could I have ever stopped any of the things I’ve done? Sometimes is it better to just let things happen and see where the path takes you? Because in the end, do you really have the power to change it anyway?

∞

When I was a kid I used to love going to visit my grandparents. I never got the chance to know the ones on my Mom’s side because they’d died long before I was born, so I felt even closer to the ones I did have. My Dad was originally from Maine and that’s where his parents still lived, in a beautiful old farmhouse that I absolutely adored going to. We would usually head up there twice a year, once in the winter time and once over summer. Winter was always my favourite time of the year because of all the snow. They got loads more than we ever did in Providence and it was so much fun to play in. I used to spend hours out there until I was freezing cold and soaking wet and then I’d come inside to a warm house and a mug of hot chocolate in front of the fire.

I was twelve years old the last time I loved that trip. We’d gone up in February and the snow that had started falling as we drove up there, continued all night. When I woke up the next morning, it was very early and the entire place was blanketed in white. It was thick and fluffy and perfect for sledding. I remember racing out of bed and into Seth’s room, jumping on his bed to try and get him to wake up.

"Mmmm," came his muffled response. "What do you want?"

"Come on Seth, come outside, come outside," I said jumping on his bed.

"It’s too early Smash, go away," he mumbled back before rolling over and pulling the covers over his head.

I continued jumping for a few minutes but it was clear Seth wasn’t getting up. It was only 7am, but still, I wanted him to be as excited as me. I guess at eighteen you feel a little differently about snow and the thought of sledding. Disappointed, I climbed off the bed and made my way downstairs to the living room, wondering if I could put the TV on and wait for someone else to get up.

When I wandered down there though, Grandad was in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. I’d forgotten he was an early riser, probably because I was never usually up early enough to notice.

"Hey Grandad," I said as I walked past the kitchen.

He must have noticed my long face because he followed me into the living room to ask, "What’s wrong Ash, why so sad this morning?"

"Seth won’t get up and come outside with me," I said, sinking onto the couch in a huff.

"He won’t huh?" Grandad asked, sitting down beside me.

"No, and there’s heaps of snow outside and I just want him to come out and sled with me."

Grandad reached over and ruffled my hair as he suggested, "Well, what if I came outside with you?"

A huge smile broke out on my face as I turned to Grandad, "Really?" I asked. "You would?"

"Of course Ash, but I think you’d better go and put something warmer on, it’s pretty cold out there today," he said, smiling at me.

I raced off the couch and back upstairs to my room, yanking on as many layers as I could find. Flying back down the stairs I saw Grandad standing by the front door, pulling on his thick snow jacket and wrapping a scarf around his neck. I threw my arms around him, burying my face in his side. "Thanks Grandad, thanks for coming with me."

"Anytime Ash, anytime," he answered, tickling me as he always did, just to make me laugh.

We spent several hours out there that morning and it was so much fun. Both of us flying down the small hill that ran along the back of their property. Me always going faster because I was smaller and lighter than Grandad, Grandad always helping me haul my sled back to the top. By the time we came inside, both of us were red faced and out of breath.

Everyone else was up and in the kitchen by now and Dad was laughing when he saw the pair of us outside the back door.

"Look at you two huh, a busy morning then?" he said.

I pulled off my jacket, droplets of water falling all over the back step. I was smiling as I said, "Yep, it was the best."

As Grandad took my jacket and hung it up on the hook beside his, I padded into the warm kitchen and slid into a chair next to Seth, nudging him as he hunched over a steaming cup of coffee, still half asleep. "You should come with us next time sleepy head."

"Sleepy head, you’re usually the sleepy head Ash, I don’t how you were up so early this morning," Dad said smiling at me as Seth just grunted.

"Snow Dad, there’s snow!" I responded throwing my arms in the air.

He laughed and we all tucked into breakfast, Grandad coming to sit on the other side of me. I was starving after our morning of sledding, but I was so happy. Later on that day, Seth eventually came outside with me and we had a huge snowball fight, but for the rest of the week, as I continued to wake up early and find Grandad downstairs waiting to go sledding with me, it was just the two of us. As always Grandad had found a way to make everything better and I was happy.

Until the last day of our trip, when the inevitable happened.

∞

I’m walking home from work on Friday evening. It’s beautiful outside, winter is mostly gone now and spring is slowly on its way. The days already feel different. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight, but for once, I don’t feel like sitting at home alone.

As I walk along, I’m startled out of my daydream by the sound of someone knocking on glass. Looking up, I recognise the guys from
Infinity
sitting on the other side of the window. I don’t really know them that well and I can’t see Luke with them, but they’re gesturing for me to come inside.

Reluctantly, I hoist my bag further on my shoulder and push open the door to the diner. I go over to their booth and one of them sticks out his hand. "Ash hey, how are you?"

I shake his hand warily as I answer, "Okay."

"Jared, remember? I live with Luke," he says smiling. "And this is Ben and Steve, from the band," he continues, gesturing to the other guys sitting in the booth. "Have a seat, join us."

I feel a little weird standing here with these guys. Guys I don’t really know, but evidently seem to remember me. I do recognise them now and I know I met them all at Luke’s party, but that already feels like ages ago. Plus, Luke is not with them, which makes this whole thing feel even stranger.

"It’s okay thanks, I don’t want to disturb you guys." I say, already backing away from the table.

"Don’t be stupid, we called you in. Sit, have a drink with us!" Jared says to me, laughing.

So I sit. I sit next to the guy named Steve and across from Ben and Jared. They are all smiling at me and I have no idea what to say.

"So you’ve worked with Luke for a while then?" Ben eventually asks me.

"Yeah a while now I guess, maybe seven months," I answer, wondering why he’s asking me this.

"But you worked there before he started right?" Ben continues, smiling at me now.

I think back to that time. To the reason I wasn’t at work. To the reason Luke was hired in the first place. "Yes, before he started," is all I can bring myself to say.

A waitress comes over and I’m looking at her, trying to think of an excuse to escape. Ben orders another pitcher of beer and an extra glass. I’m stuck here then.

When the beer arrives, Jared pours me a drink. They’re all talking about a band they like. I’m half listening, when I feel someone slide into the booth next to me, pressing the length of their body against mine. Before I even turn, I know who it’s going to be.

"Hey," Luke says, a smile on his face.

I smile nervously back at him, "Hey."

I’m not used to being crowded like this by him. It feels very different to a shared arm rest, to my tears on his chest. Now I can feel the whole length of his body pressing against mine, feel the heat radiating off him. Now I can really smell him.

He tops up the beer he has in his hand. "When did you get here?" he asks, half turning to face me as he drapes his arm across the back of the seat behind me.

My eyes flick up to his arm and then back to his face. Up close, I can see now that his eyes are a very dark blue. They are also very alive and very bright as they watch me. "Um, I don’t know, maybe a couple of minutes ago," I suggest. "They saw me walking past outside."

He’s still smiling. "Cool, I was just on the phone, but I’m glad they caught you. Do you remember everyone?"

I unconsciously lick my lips. My mouth feels very dry so I take a sip of beer. Luke watches me. I feel like all of them are watching me.

"Yeah, I remember them, sort of. I’m surprised they remembered me actually."

Luke laughs, a little red creeping onto his cheeks. "Yeah you know, the party, plus they’ve been in to work before, and I guess they all saw you at our show too."

I’m confused. I don’t remember ever seeing them in the shop and I’m still surprised I would even be that memorable for them. I’m about to ask Luke, when Jared interrupts us.

"We should get going soon boys, Ash you’re coming with us right?"

I turn to look at Jared and see he’s smiling at me like it’s obvious I’ll be going. Luke leans over and I feel his warm breath as he whispers in my ear, "We’re going to watch a band, some friends of ours. Come with us."

It’s a statement, not a question.

I feel my hand tighten around the cold glass in response to his words. I don’t know what’s going on here. Jared and the others are all looking at me and smiling. Luke has pulled his head back, but I can feel the heat of his arm behind me. Finally someone speaks as though to diffuse the situation.

"Yeah you should definitely come with us, hang out, it’ll be fun."

What to do. What should I do?

∞

On the last morning of our stay with my grandparents, as I made my way downstairs, I found both Seth and Grandad waiting for me. I must have stopped right in my tracks, because Seth just laughed when he saw me and said, "What, you think I’m gonna keep letting you have all the fun?"

I glanced over at Grandad who was standing by the door, his jacket still hanging on the hook. "But you’re coming too, right Grandad?"

"Up to you Ash, I’ll come if you want," he said. "Or do you just want to go with Seth today?"

I glanced over at Seth who simply shrugged as though he didn’t care what happened. I didn’t want to have to choose between them, but I didn’t want one of them to not come either, so I said the only thing I could say. "Both of you come."

We did a couple of runs down the hill together, Seth always beating me because he was fearless and would fly down without even thinking about how to stop at the bottom. Grandad kept helping me pull my sled back up the hill, but after a few runs I could see he was getting tired and now seemed to be having trouble breathing.

"Are you okay Grandad?" I asked.

He could only nod at me as he tried to catch his breath which was blowing out in irregular puffs of white frost in front of him.

"Maybe you should sit down for a minute Pop," Seth said, coming over and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "I’ll do this one with Smash."

Grandad nodded and we left him sitting at the top of the hill as once again, we flew down it. When we got back to the top, he seemed better. He was breathing more normally now and smiling as he saw us. "Alright kiddo, let’s go again."

"Are you sure you’re okay Grandad?" I asked.

"Never better," he answered smiling.

So the three of us set off once more down the hill, Seth as usual getting to the bottom first and then followed by me. When we both turned back to look for Grandad who was always the slowest, he waved at us. As we were waving back, we watched as his hand suddenly went to his chest and his head bent forward. I remember calling out, "Grandad," but not sure if it was even loud enough to reach him.

And then I remember Seth dropping his sled and running up the hill towards Grandad who had suddenly veered sideways as his sled turned over and Grandad fell off it.

I remember Seth turning back to me, a look of terror on his face as he yelled, "Run Ash, run, go and get Dad."

I remember standing there, frozen on the spot, watching Grandad as he lay on the cold snow clutching his chest. I wanted to go to him, see if he was alright. He wasn’t moving at all and the only thought I had was how cold he must be, lying there on the snow.

"Run Ash. RUN!" Seth screamed at me.

And then I remember running. I remember running and running and the hard burn in my legs as I just kept telling myself to run. When I finally reached the backdoor, I ran inside screaming for Dad. He came rushing in from the living room.

"Asha, slow down, what’s wrong sweetie, what’s wrong?"

My breath was coming out in hard puffs, almost like Grandad’s had been before that last run. "It’s Grandad, something’s wrong!" I finally managed to get out. "Seth, he...Seth said to....to come and get you."

Dad took off out the back door, not even stopping to pull on his coat. I raced after him, desperate for everything to be alright. Dad turned back to me as we neared the bottom of the hill. "Go Ash, go and tell Grandma to call 911."