How to Train Your Dom in Five Easy Steps (22 page)

Chapter Thirty

Bloody hell, had Eddie really just called Jeff thick? Had he insulted that swaggering gorilla of a man? The one who could probably knock Eddie out with one punch? No, if anyone was thick, it was clearly Eddie, but he was so angry he ploughed on regardless. “You mean to say you actually believed all that crap I fed you about not wanting a relationship? What the fuck? You really think I’m that shallow, I was only in it for the sex?”

“Erm, I don’t really know what you want me to say.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jeff, I don’t want you to say anything. Words are cheap. I want actions. I want you to love me and to show it by owning up to that in front of the whole wide world.”

Jeff had gone pale under his tan. “I didn’t know…”

“Well, of course you didn’t know. I wasn’t about to broadcast all that and send you running for the hills. Needy is never an attractive thing, and besides, it’s never going to happen, is it? So I thought I’d better keep it all to myself. And judging by the way you’re looking at me right now, I wish I’d bloody well kept things that way.” Except that wasn’t strictly true. Part of Eddie was relieved to own the truth, even if the rest of him was wailing that now he’d ruined everything by rushing and he should have just taken the fuck-buddies offer.

Jeff scratched his neck like he had fleas. “Erm, that’s okay. It’s kind of good to know how you feel.” He didn’t sound at all convinced by his words. “But you’re right. Even if I did have, uh, feelings for you, I’m not about to tell the whole world I’m gay.”

“You have feelings for me?”

“Maybe.” Scratch-scratch-scratch.

“What kind of feelings are we talking about here? Sexual feelings? Emotional feelings? Romantic feelings?”

“Erm, I’m not really sure? Feelings that mostly make me sick and afraid.” Jeff suddenly brightened. “But you could come inside, and we’ll talk about it, and maybe you could help me sort them out. You’re better at all that shit, what with you being gay.”

“Right. Of course, because loving men automatically makes me all sensitive and so on, unlike you red-blooded heterosexuals who just enjoy an occasional roll in the hay with other blokes. And even then, I was the one doing all the putting out. I might as well have been a woman for all the attention you paid my cock.”

Jeff flushed. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? Come on, admit it. If I was a woman, you’d have no problem going down on me. And you’d probably have fallen head over heels in love with me too. But because I’ve got that pesky Y-chromosome, you won’t even kiss me in public.”

“What about last night? Everyone knew we were together.”

“Yeah, but you still didn’t kiss me. You just yanked me around on a lead like a piece of meat.”

“You said that’s what you wanted!” Jeff’s voice was getting louder now.

“I did! But I also wanted you to kiss me and hold me and fuck my face in front of everybody. I wanted you to make a public spectacle of me, so everyone would know just how much I turn you on. But instead, you dragged us off into some dark little room. Probably you were thinking of her while you doing me too.”

“Her? Who the fuck do you mean?”

“Her. The slapper in the corset who you couldn’t take your eyes off.”

Jeff looked blank, but that was probably all an act. Eddie elaborated. “The one with her tits out who was getting spanked between the legs.”

Jeff’s forehead uncreased. “Oh. Her. Yeah, I remember. She was hot.”

“Well, thanks a fucking bunch.”

“Wait. I didn’t mean it like that. You’re hot too.”

“Really.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t be so into doing you if I didn’t fancy you.”

Coming from Jeff, that was probably a major confession, but Eddie wasn’t going to be mollified by a few crumbs chucked his way. “So you fancy me enough to keep shagging me, but not enough to want to make it a proper relationship. Well, at least I know where I stand. And I know exactly where you can shove that fuck-buddies offer. Let me give you a clue. It’s a hole you’d never let me near. Not in a million years. Because that would be way too fucking gay for you.”

Jeff’s forehead creased, and he looked around furtively. “Could you keep it down, please? Come on, let’s talk inside.”

“Right. Because we wouldn’t want the neighbours to see you having an argument with the bloke you were screwing just a few hours ago. They might put two and two together, mightn’t they? And then your cover would be blown wide open. Nowhere to hide. Well, excuse me if I don’t feel a huge amount of sympathy for you right now, Sir Bastard.”

“Do you have to be such a bitch?” Jeff asked.

“Get out.” That hurt, having what had become a pet name of sorts thrown back at him as an insult. “Get out of my car, right now. And take your stuff with you. I don’t want to have to see you ever again.” Eddie was vaguely aware he was being overly dramatic, but he was so fucking angry he didn’t care. And wounded too. Jeff had reached inside him and torn out all his pathetic little dreams of them shacking up together. Now they were just fading scraps of paper, blowing away on the wind.

Jeff didn’t say anything else while he got out of the car and took his bag from the boot. Eddie thought for a moment that might be it, but Jeff came back to the door and opened it. “I didn’t want things to end like this.”

“I know. You wanted your handy little tart on the side to text whenever you needed a booty call. Well, that isn’t going to happen. Get used to it, Jeff.”

Jeff shook his head. “That isn’t it. I wanted us to be friends.”

But that would be too painful, when Eddie wanted so much more. “I think it’s best I just keep my distance. Wouldn’t want to compromise your otherwise perfectly heterosexual lifestyle, would I?”

Jeff’s face shuttered, and he slammed the car door before stalking up the path to his front door.

Eddie wasn’t about to hang around waiting for him. He peeled off with a squeal of rubber, and drove way too fast all the way home.

Life without Jeff should have been fine. Eddie knew this for a fact. He’d only been seeing Jeff one evening a week for the last month or so, along with the occasional text and phone call. Not much to miss, really. And Eddie had always been perfectly happy with his own company, hooking up online when he felt the need for some kink and domination.

Yep. Intellectually, he knew that nothing had changed, and it should be easy to slip back into his old ways.

It was a shame his heart had missed the memo.

It was ten days before Maddy called him up, angrily demanding to know why he hadn’t been responding to her texts and Facebook pokes.

“I’m kind of busy with work right now,” he told her, staring at the screen of his computer.

“Oh come on, you can’t be that busy. You’ve never been too busy for a quick chat before. Come on, Eddie. I need you.”

“Why? Can’t Niall look after you? He’s the man you’re tying yourself too for the rest of your life, you know. Even if you split up, he’ll still be the baby-daddy.”

“Yes, thank you. I’m well aware of that. But he’s also really busy at work right now, and I’m feeling lonely. Anyway, I’m coming over with food and booze in half an hour. Thought I’d better warn you, although you’re being such a miserable sod, I’m wishing I hadn’t bothered.”

“Maddy, I really need to work.”

“Bullshit. You need to take a break and have a proper meal. And a few glasses of red. Seeing as how I’m not meant to be drinking anymore, I can’t very well go and open the whole bottle for myself, can I? But if you’re drinking it, I could just have a little splash to keep you company.”

In the end, Maddy bulldozered over all his objections, and he found himself choosing his favourites from her hastily recited list of specials at the local Thai takeaway.

He hung up with a sigh. Maddy was right, of course. He really wasn’t all that busy, as he’d turned down his last job offer—it really hadn’t appealed, and it wasn’t like he was desperate for the cash—and had been working on something that had never even been commissioned. He’d sketched out and scanned a retro-looking illustration of a burly gardener digging in a lush garden, before adding colour on the computer. And now he was trying to choose the right font to add “Jeff White, Gardener extraordinaire” to the top.

Of course, Jeff would never want to use it. He’d probably say it was far too gay for a straight bloke like him. But Eddie couldn’t help himself. He had to do something to feel closer to Jeff. Except for picking up the phone and calling him. That was way too scary.

Eddie cast his gaze around the place. He should probably tidy up a bit before Maddy arrived. But then he had an idea for a font that just might work and set about trying it out.

When the doorbell rang, Eddie was still fiddling with the font kerning. He buzzed Maddy in, then set about feverishly tidying the worst of the crap off the sofa and coffee table.

Clearly he didn’t do a good enough job, from the way Maddy’s nose wrinkled. “Oh my God, it smells like a sock graveyard in here. Have you even opened the windows this week?” She muttered under her breath as she thrust her achingly hip insulated picnic bag in his direction, then set about airing his flat.

“Oi! If I’d wanted the windows open, I’d have done it.”

“It stinks in here. And fresh air is good for you. It’ll help cheer you up, for a start.”

“Maybe I don’t want to cheer up. Did it ever occur to you I might want to wallow in my own misery for a while?”

Maddy turned from his window. “That’s such bollocks. You’ve never wallowed before in your life. You’re the bouncing-back type. Come on. Open the wine, and that’ll cure what ails you. It’s a good one. I nicked it from Niall’s cellar.”

Knowing Niall, that probably meant they were breaking into a bottle that cost more than Eddie usually made in a month, but what the hell. He poured them both a glass, but Maddy stopped him before he was halfway through hers. “That’s plenty, thanks.”

“You really are serious about all this earth-mother, healthy-living stuff, then.”

Maddy wrinkled her nose. “Yes, I suppose. But mostly it’s because I’m getting acid reflux pretty much constantly. And the bloody morning sickness! That’s a total misnomer, you know. It happens all day long. There’s no morning about it.”

“You’re not going to throw up here, are you?” Eddie looked around in alarm. He wasn’t that house proud, but puke on his sofa cushions really wasn’t going to improve the place.

“Don’t worry. I haven’t actually been sick yet. It’s just the constant nausea that gets me. And the oversensitive nose. I can’t actually go near the bin anymore. Or clean the lavatory.”

“You’ve never cleaned a toilet in your life.”

But Maddy was ploughing on regardless. “And as for the oversensitive, swollen breasts. Don’t get me started on those.”

“No. Please don’t start on those.”

Maddy gave him a sly look. “Better find something to distract me, then, or I’ll start talking you through milk ducts and birth canals and all that malarkey the midwife keeps telling me about. But a true tale of an unrequited gay love affair could be the kind of thing that stops me mentioning just exactly what’s happening to the inside of body right now.”

Eddie was done for, he knew. No point fighting it anymore. “Fine. You want to hear about me and Jeff? Then you’re getting every sordid little detail, whether you want it or not.”

Maddy sat up straighter with a gleam in her eye.

“Are you sure you’re not a sadist after all? You seem to enjoy me suffering.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I just think it will do you good to talk.”

“Even if I really don’t want to?”

“Especially then.”

So Eddie told her everything about their trip to Bournemouth, including the collapsing bench and the bitter ending. She moved over closer to him as he spoke, and somehow he ended up with his head on her lap, speaking almost directly into her stomach.

“I hope the baby can’t understand any of this,” he said. “Don’t want to corrupt the poor little mite before he’s even taken his first breath.”

“Don’t worry, pickle. He’ll be fine.”

“You talking to me or the baby?”

“You, obviously. The baby’s a girl.”

“You know that for sure?”

“As sure as the sonographer could be. I’m going to buy unisex clothes to be on the safe side, though.”

Eddie was still confused. “But you said ‘he’ll be fine’ to me. Who’s he?”

“Jeff, obviously. Come on, Eddie. I’m meant to be the one with baby-brain here. Use your head. Clearly, Jeff just needs a bit more time to get used to the fact he’s in love with a man. Give him a chance to wrap his head around it. It’s a big step for a straight bloke.”

Love?
“What makes you think he’s in love with me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way he’s been treating you so well. He’s never done that with any of the girls he’s had dates with, so far as I’ve heard. But with you? He’s smitten. Giving you pet names. Cuddling up all night. Even being out in public for you.”

“In a kink club.”

“And in the hotel too, you said.”

Eddie thought about them holding hands over the table. “Yes, I suppose he was. But still—”

“But nothing. Did he, or did he not, want to carry on seeing you?”

“He did. But only as a fuck-buddy.”

“Did he actually use that word?”

“Well, no, but I could tell that’s what he was—”

“No buts, I said. Trust me, Jeff White is not the kind of man to mince his words. If he’d meant fuck-buddy, that’s what he would have said. Now think about it, what did he really say?”

Eddie thought hard, then shook his head. “I don’t know. I was pretty furious with him at the time. I’m not sure my testimony would stand up under scrutiny.”

“Then talk to him. Give him another chance. And really listen this time, because it sounds to me like he’s just scared of having feelings for another man. He’s going to need some time and patience, but from the way you talk about him, it sounds like he’s perfect for you.”

“He’s an arrogant, pigheaded bastard.”

“Like I said. Perfect for you.”

“Thanks a bunch. Fine friend you are.” Eddie started to get up, but Maddy held him down.

“You need someone you can’t easily manipulate. Someone down-to-earth. Can you have a laugh with him? Chat easily?”