How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (39 page)

(P
SALM
139:14).

Not only did the Israelites suffer crippling emotional, physical, and mental side effects from generations of slavery in Egypt, they also suffered spiritual side effects.

After years of suffering and crying out to God for a deliverer, when the time was right for God to answer their cries and send Moses to them, they had great difficulty trusting him. Their hearts were full of doubts not only about him but also about God.

Moses tried to reassure the people with words of God’s plan to free them from the yoke of the Egyptians by performing mighty acts of judgment. God had promised to take them as His own people and give them the land He swore to give to their forefathers. However, despite Moses’ efforts, their bitter bondage was a barrier to their willingness to believe what he said to them.

“Say to the Israelites:
‘I am the L
ORD
, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.
I will free you from being slaves to them,
and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and
with mighty acts of judgment.
I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God…
And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand
to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob…’
Moses reported this to the Israelites,
but they did not listen to him
because of their discouragement and cruel bondage”

(E
XODUS
6:6-9).

As was the case with the Israelites, those who are repeatedly victimized often struggle with obstacles to their spiritual growth. They have…

•
A knowledge of God but little personal experience of God

— Knowing God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere-present

— Knowing God is a force to be reckoned with

— Knowing God is eternal and sovereign

•
Anger at God for not stopping the abuse

— Thinking God is responsible for the bad things that have happened to them

— Thinking God is cruel and unloving

— Thinking God is unfair and unjust

•
Difficulty forming an intimate relationship with God

— Struggling with being honest and open with God

— Struggling with believing the promises of God

— Struggling with giving their hearts and lives to God

•
Distrust of God for allowing the abuse

— Considering God to be unrestricted and undiscerning in the use of His power

— Considering God to be a liar

— Considering God to be undependable

•
Fear of God’s anger and displeasure

— Seeing God as impossible to please

— Seeing God as punitive and vindictive

— Seeing God as condemning

•
Feelings of rejection and unworthiness

— Feeling that God has abandoned them

— Feeling that God has ascribed no value to them

— Feeling that God has thrown them on the garbage heap

•
Projected the attributes of their abuser onto God

— Believing that God is hurtful and insensitive

— Believing that God is selfish and controlling

— Believing that God is inconsistent and unpredictable

•
Sought to gain God’s approval

— Hoping God will bless them for their sacrificial giving

— Hoping God will bless them for their church-related activities

— Hoping God will bless them for their service to others

•
Warped negative perceptions of God

— Perceiving God as distant and disinterested

— Perceiving God as indifferent to their pain

— Perceiving God as unavailable

Some spiritual strugglers become so embittered:

“they say to God, ‘Leave us alone!
We have no desire to know your ways’ ”

(J
OB
21:14).

Others, however, choose to reach out in faith to lay hold of the promises of God:

“The gospel…is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes…
‘Come!’ Whoever is thirsty, let him come;
and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life…
‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls’ ”

(R
OMANS
1:16; R
EVELATION
22:17; M
ATTHEW
11:28-29).

God’s actions got the attention of the Israelites, and after 430 years of living in Egypt, the people of Israel finally escaped their oppressor—but not until after God poured forth horrific plagues upon Egypt. Hail mixed with fire, an invasion of locusts, the death of all of Egypt’s firstborn…those were among ten plagues that culminated with the Egyptians virtually pushing the
Israelites out the door. They couldn’t get them to leave their country soon enough, and were even plundered by the Israelites before they departed!

God saw the pain of His people and was moved to provide help and restoration:

“I will take you as my own people,
and I will be your God.
Then you will know that I am the L
ORD
your God,
who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians”

(E
XODUS
6:7).

All of us have developed ways of avoiding unpleasant situations and responsibilities, but those operating out of a victim mentality have become experts at self-protection. Developed early in life through modeling or sheer creativity, these skills were learned responses and ways of relating that were necessary for surviving abusive situations.

These behaviors often operate subconsciously and can undermine nonabusive relationships and sabotage the healing process.

Only by walking in the truth of God’s Word through the power of His Spirit within us can we overcome.

“Teach me your way, O L
ORD
, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name”

(P
SALM
86:11).

Survival Personalities

The Dependent
gives up personal responsibility in many areas of life and uses helplessness to get support from others. This disguise, adopted for protection, sends the message “I need you,” but in adulthood it becomes a powerful means of controlling and manipulating others.

The Pleaser
abides by the motto “peace at any price.” By constant compliance with the wishes or desires of others, this individual pays a high price for approval and acceptance. As an adult, the Pleaser has lost a great deal of personal identity.

The Fixer
has low sense of self-worth and attempts to fix it by becoming responsible for and fixing others. Fixers are often seen as very loving, self-sacrificing,
and spiritual—though often these traits are merely for show, used to avoid addressing their own needs seriously.

The Performer
appears highly competent and seems to have it all together. A perfect performance for every act is the Performer’s unattainable goal. Although there is a certain amount of personal satisfaction in doing so much so well, this person is inwardly paralyzed by the fear of being found to have inadequacies.

The Controller
feels secure only when in control. As an adult, the Controller comes across as self-assured, always right, and, for the most part, looking good. A fear of vulnerability is what makes this wounded lamb act like a lion.

The Martyr
is a great and constant sufferer. Anyone who has been abused needs and deserves the compassion of others. The Martyr, however, controls others by continuing to elicit compassion for having experienced devastating abuse.

Rather than affirm these self-designed and self-defeating survival skills, the Bible presents another option:

“Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders
and the sin that so easily entangles,
and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,
the author and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy set before him endured the cross,
scorning its shame,
and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God”

(H
EBREWS
12:1-2).

Because of past physical and emotional abuse, victims may continue to have difficulty establishing and maintaining personal boundaries. And adults who relate to others out of a victim mentality often have difficulty being appropriately honest and assertive. They validate the words spoken by Isaiah the prophet:

“Justice is driven back,
and righteousness stands at a distance;
truth has stumbled in the streets,
honesty cannot enter”

(I
SAIAH
59:14).

If you think you have difficulty establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries, take the following…

Test for Broken Boundaries
³²

Do you find it difficult to make decisions and stick with them when opposed?

Do you feel you must seek opinions from others before making a decision?

Do you feel hesitant to give your opinion when asked?

Do you fear expressing what you really feel?