How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (22 page)

I exited the bathroom and found him at the end of the hallway waiting for me. I followed him past our table and to the dance floor. He pulled me into him, and it was like time moved backward, like it was three days earlier and he hadn’t broken up with me in the car on the way home from Payson. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be there in his arms, and suddenly the black fog that had enveloped me for two days was lifted.

He held me close and I breathed him in as I had done so many times before. I felt the hot tears stinging my eyes, begging for release, but I kept them at bay, holding tightly to Nick as we swayed to the slow music. I wanted to devour him with my lips, to taste him with my tongue. The moment was perfect, and I knew that he felt it, too. It was like there was no one else in the room with us; everything stood still around me when I was there in his arms.

But it wasn’t meant to last.

Deep in my heart, I knew that he had broken up with me, and there was no getting around that.

The song ended, and I turned to Lucy and Jake, who were next to us on the dance floor. “Switch?” I asked, my voice breathless.

Lucy gave me a strange look. She knew that something was up, but I hoped that she would just let it go. I formulated a plan to make her believe that it was just my crush on Nick, out of control once again. She would never know how much had happened between us; no one had to know now that it was over.

Jake reluctantly let go of Lucy, and he took me in his arms. We danced a friendly dance, and he distracted me from my thoughts with chitchat as I looked around the dance floor, realizing just how many people were actually in attendance at this event. While I had been suffering on the inside, the party was in full swing, and people were having a great time. I saw Tom Davidson dancing with Josie, and then they switched with the owner of Brick City and his wife. It was a mass of coworkers and clients, all having a good time.

“Place looks great,” Jake commented, looking around at the soft lighting and the elegant mood of Brick City.

“Greg did a great job,” I said. Greg had really headed up the whole project, although we all had a stake in the final outcome because we all contributed ideas during our team meetings. I recognized some of my own ideas in the rebranding, particularly in the little Twitter birds and Facebook logos on the new menus since I was the social media expert.

“Lucy says she hasn’t seen you in awhile.
Everything okay?”

His gentle concern sent tears to my eyes once again, but I had to be strong. I couldn’t cry; not here. So I lied.
“Yeah. Everything’s great. I’ve just been busy.”

He looked down at me with friendly affection in his eyes. “She’s worried about you.”

I smiled, fighting the hot prickles behind my eyes. My eyes had to be red from the threat of tears, but if Jake sensed it, he did a good job letting it go. “I know. I’ll talk to her. How are things with you two?” I asked, distracting him from the topic of me.

“Really, really good.
She’s the best.” I could see the love shining in his eyes. He was in deep, and I was happy for both of them. Lucy was not only one of my best friends, but she really was a sweet girl deserving of a good guy who was a great catch, and that described Jake well.

I smiled, relieved for the moment that the tears behind my eyes seemed to have subsided. The song ended, and I headed back to the table to get my purse and car keys. I put in my appearance; I had even danced, for crying out loud. I was ready to just go home, get in a hot bubble bath, and let the tears that had been threatening all night long finally unleash.

Nick met me back at the table as I picked up my purse. “Can we talk?” he asked in a low voice, glancing around to be sure that no one was in hearing distance. The music was loud enough that even if our voices were at full volume, no one around us would’ve heard.

I shook my head.

“Let me walk you to your car, at least.”

I looked at him for a long moment. “Why?” I asked finally, the darkness settling back heavy on my shoulders.

“Because, Julianne. I feel like shit for what happened between us. I can’t have it like this. We still have to work together.”

“I guess you should’ve thought of that before you ended things the way you did.”

I picked up my keys and headed to the dance floor to say goodbye to Lucy and Jake, Holly and Andrew, and everyone else. I gave hugs and made my way to the door, never once glancing back at Nick. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he had hurt me. And the moment I was inside my car and had pulled safely onto the road, the tears started. They didn’t stop until long after I had laid my head down to go to sleep two hours later.

Chapter 14

The next day at work moved slowly. Nick was in and out of meetings most of the day, and when he was away, things were somewhat easier for me. It was incredibly awkward running into him and having to talk to him about clients. I was even considering looking at different companies or changing jobs. I loved working at McMillan, but I couldn’t face him every day. It was impeding my ability to heal.

I did my best to do all of my work myself, but I needed approval for certain things and that approval had to come from Nick. Instead of going to his office, I emailed him every time I needed approval or had a question. I would leave things with Christine, our team’s administrative assistant, whenever I could. It was just too painful to see him. Just the week before, I would invent reasons to go to his office to talk to him. But now, the more I spoke to him face to face, the more my heart hurt. I stopped going to the kitchen for my coffee and
started bringing Starbucks again. And somehow, inexplicably, I still wanted him, even after how he had treated me and even after the pain he had inflicted on me. But now, I couldn’t have him.
Damn him. Damn him for hurting me so badly. And for being so sexy,
I thought, as I watched him walk from his doorway down the hall toward the kitchen from my cubicle. God, he looked good. He had left his suit jacket in his office, giving me the opportunity to stare at his ass. I remembered feeling his back under my fingers, his muscles moving as he moved over me. The thought itself nearly had me crying again.

I realized I should’ve stayed home. I was grieving, and I needed some time to work through the pain. But I also knew that staying at home would have meant that I was focusing only on our breakup, so I went to work hoping to find a distraction there. Unfortunately, the one person who was causing me so much pain was too close to allow for me to actually be distracted.

When I got home from work that night, I realized that I hadn’t heard from Travis since the day before. I called him, but he didn’t pick up. I needed to talk to him about everything. He was always the person I turned to when I needed someone, and I needed a friend. Badly. I couldn’t turn to Holly and Lucy because of who was involved, and my sister was due in a couple of weeks, so I didn’t want to bother her with my problems. I decided to go to Travis’s apartment to talk to him.

I grabbed a sweater and got in my car. I drove to Travis’s place and knocked on the door. He didn’t answer, so I decided to wait for him there. We were going to figure this out if it took all night. I couldn’t stand being apart from the one person I had always leaned on when I most needed a friend.

I had been sitting in front of Travis’s apartment building for about an hour when he finally arrived home. He had a bag in his hands but I couldn’t read the name of the store. He hadn’t seen me yet. His apartment building was set up in a way that visitors could get to any of the doors from the outside. He walked up the stairs to his front door and unlocked it. I thought for sure he would have seen me by that point. I got out of my car and yelled his name before his door shut. He turned around and the angry look on his face softened momentarily, only to be covered by the tough mask again.

“What do you want, Julianne?” he yelled back.

I started up the stairs toward him. “I just want to talk to you. I want to be sure that everything is okay,” I responded, as I walked toward the door.

“I don’t want to talk. I need to think,” he said.

“Trav, I need to know that we are going to be okay.”

“I can’t guarantee that,” he replied.

“Why are you being such a jerk now?” I asked.

He turned around and walked toward me. He stood about three feet from me when he finally spoke. “Well, why don’t you figure it out? I’ve been in love with you for ten years. I finally tell you, you fuck me, and then you yank me around and tell me you aren’t ready. What am I supposed to think?”

“Travis, I thought you understood. I can’t start a relationship with you on a rebound. I need time to heal first. And I need you to understand that.”

The look on Travis’s face softened once again as tears rushed down my face. He put his arms around me.
“Stop. Don’t cry. It just really hurt me when you said that you aren’t ready for us,” he said, wiping the tears from my eyes with his thumbs. He pressed his lips against my forehead, and then he turned and walked toward his apartment. “I just need some time and space. I’m trying to give it to you, so please, give it to me, too.” He shut the door quietly behind him. I stood there, leaning against his door, tears still falling for a moment. Then I turned and walked toward my car. I got in, started it, and drove home.

I walked into my apartment and flicked on the television. I popped a frozen dinner into the microwave, even though I wasn’t really hungry. After a bite of it, I threw the rest in the trash. I couldn’t eat. I was too depressed. The black cloud hanging over me was even thicker with the loss of not just my boyfriend, but also my best friend all in the span of two days. Apparently I was in for a quiet, tearful evening alone with my thoughts. I opened a bottle of wine and sat out on my patio as I stared into darkness, thoughts of Nick engulfing my mind, quiet tears streaming down my face. I was tired of crying, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

I woke up the next morning, a Wednesday, before my alarm clock went off. I felt a dull headache and immediately regretted finishing off the entire bottle of wine the night before. I checked my phone for any possible missed calls or texts, even though I had slept with my volume on and my phone next to my bed, but there was nothing. Nothing from Travis; nothing from Nick. And so began another day of darkness.

I had hoped that on the fourth day after our breakup, things would be easier. I had hoped that maybe I would start to feel normal again. But I didn’t. I was still in deep mourning over the loss of the best thing that had ever happened to me, and there was nothing I could do to make time move faster or to lessen the heart wrenching pain.

I got ready and left for work. Of course, the only person waiting for the elevator when I entered the building was Nick. I flashed back to the days when I was thrilled that it was just the two of us, and now I debated taking the stairs for a second just to avoid him. The thought crossed my mind too late, though, because he turned when he heard heels clicking across the floor and he spotted me.

“Morning, Julianne,” he murmured.

My heart skipped a beat. Even though he had devastated me so totally and completely, he was still so sinfully handsome. And he smelled so god damn good. It pissed me off that I still wanted him as much as I did. That I still loved him as much as I did. I didn’t know if I would ever get over him.

“Morning,” I said brusquely.

We got into the elevator together, just like old times. Only this time he didn’t back me against the wall to passionately kiss me. I awkwardly stared at the numbers as I felt Nick’s gaze on me. I could smell him even from across the elevator, where I stood huddled in the corner. I wanted his touch; I craved his kiss, his warmth. There was something about him, something that totally turned me on and pushed every last one of my buttons, something that told me that we were meant to be together. Something that told me that we were soul mates, put on this earth to find each other. There was no denying it. At that point, Travis and the drama with him was the absolute furthest thing from my mind.

He broke the silence. “You look lovely this morning,” he said, so quietly that I was almost not sure that he really spoke.

My palms were sweating, my knees shaking, but I chose to play it cool. I just glared ahead at the numbers, pretending like I hadn’t heard him. I wanted to say, “If I am so fucking lovely, then why did you break my heart?” but I didn’t. I chose not to say anything at all.

The elevator doors finally opened. I got off first and practically ran to my cube, leaving Nick behind.

Just before lunchtime, my phone rang. “Julianne,” I answered.

“Hey babydoll!” a familiar voice happily replied.

“Trav! You sound in a better mood.”

“I am. I went out with some guys last night, had some drinks, met some ladies, and I am feeling a lot better.”

My heart caught in my chest. “You ‘met some ladies’?”

“Jules, I was thinking of you the whole time.”

I was silent. Suddenly, I was totally pissed. I had no reason to be because I told him time and again that all I wanted was his friendship. And it was true; all I could take from him at that moment was his friendship, and it was unfair of me to expect him to wait for me until I was in a better place. But it hurt that he could so easily forget about me. Maybe a tiny part of me liked that he wanted me as much as he did. Maybe it made me feel like I wasn’t completely worthless, the way Nick made me feel when he had thrown me away.