How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (19 page)

I didn’t know if I would ever recover from this devastation.

Chapter 12

All of the break-up clichés I had ever spouted to my own friends going through heartbreak returned to me; the pain wouldn’t last forever, someday I would smile again, I would get over him in time. But I didn’t believe any of that for a second. This was the type of thing that a person may never recover from. I truly believed that the day when I would feel better would never, ever come. The pain was too sharp, the grief simply too deep. I was in a dark, dark place, and I wasn’t sure what I could ever do to climb out of it.

I forced myself out of bed to relieve my bladder, but that was it; that was all I had the energy for. I grabbed my phone and headed back to bed. I checked my messages, hoping against hope that Nick had called or texted or had done something, anything, to show me that he had made a mistake.

I had one voicemail from Travis: “Jules, it’s Trav. I really need to talk to you. Call me ASAP. Bye babydoll.”

My tears began again at hearing his voice. Travis was such a great friend, always there for me through thick and thin. I could always count on him, and just hearing the voice of my best friend set my tears off again. I had certainly had my heart broken before, but never like this, never even close to this. I couldn’t pull myself out of the black fog that was engulfing me, and the depth of my sorrow terrified me.

I forced myself out of bed for a glass of water. I made a sandwich but threw it out after one bite. I couldn’t eat; the thought of food made me nauseous. I laid on the couch and flipped through the channels mindlessly. I couldn’t focus on anything. Nick was consuming my every thought, and I listlessly wondered when it would stop and if I would ever feel normal again.

Then some stupid commercial for Valentine’s Day greeting cards came on, and I lost it again. Just when I thought there couldn’t possibly be any more tears left to cry, the gut-wrenching heaves were back.

I finally decided to call Travis back. Maybe he could shed some light on what happened or help me not to feel so utterly alone.

“Hello,” he answered groggily, as if I had woken him.

I sat silently, tears rolling down my cheeks, unable to choke out words.

“Hello,” he repeated. I let out a sob.
“Jules? You there?”

“Yes…” I managed to choke out.

“Where are you?”

“Home,” I gasped out between sobs.

“Jules, stay right where you are. I will be there in ten minutes.”

Less than ten minutes later, I heard a knock at my door. I opened it and fell into Travis’ comforting arms.

“Jules, what happened?”

My only response was to cry even harder.

“I am not leaving until your tears are dry and I see a smile on your face.”

This only made me cry more because it made me realize how much I had neglected my friendship with Travis since I had been with Nick. He was a good friend, and I loved him for it.

Travis just held me in his strong arms. He let me cry until I had no more in me once again, but it was a temporary reprieve. When the heaves slowed and the shuddering stopped, my head ached as I was finally able to tell Travis the story of the breakup.

“He said that he didn’t love me because he didn’t have passion for me. Whatever
that
means,” I finished.

“Wow. What a fucking idiot. Man if I ever see that douche, I’ll…”

I interrupted Travis. “It’s not worth your time,” I started. “Travis, you have been there for me and listened to me and didn’t judge me or make me feel like you didn’t care. You are my best friend and I know I haven’t been here for you lately…” I trailed off as tears filled my eyes again.

Travis just hugged me as he sat on the couch, holding me in his arms, my head on his chest. I heard his steady heart beating, and I was grateful for his strength. He would help me get through this. He would help me see the light again.

“I always know that if I need you, you would be there,” he said. That was all I needed. I reached up and pecked him on his scruffy chin.

“You’re a great friend,” I told him. “God, Trav, I am so sorry. You called and it sounded important. What was it about?” I asked, feeling like a big jerk on top of already feeling like complete shit.

“It was nothing.”

“Tell me. I need the distraction. I need to try to think about something other than Nick for a minute. Did you find a new woman?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” he answered. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m here for you whenever you need me. I promise. I love you, you know,” I said.

“I know. It was nothing,” he answered. “And I love you, too.”

He stood up and walked into my kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of beer and brought me one, too. “I think we could both use a few of these,” he smiled, taking the cap off of mine and handing it to me. “It’s been a long time since we drank beer, just the two of us.”

“Brings back some great memories,” I said, clinking my bottle against his.

We were both lost in thought for a while as we enjoyed our beers and each other’s company. We both opened a second beer shortly thereafter and popped in a movie. “Let’s play a drinking game, for old time’s sake!” Travis suggested, hoping to take my mind off of things. So we both picked a character in the movie, and every time our character’s name was spoken, we had to take a drink. It didn’t take my mind off of Nick. He was really never very far from my thoughts, no matter what I did.

A few beers and a little buzz after the movie, Travis suggested playing a board game. I had bought a game called
Intimate Questions
, which was a game where a bunch of questions were thrown into a tray and each player had to answer the questions in all honesty. We figured that since we were so close, we had no secrets and wouldn’t feel uncomfortable answering questions honestly.

I pulled the first question: “Who was your first sexual partner?” I asked Travis.

“You. Come on, you knew that one. This game sucks.”

“Give it a chance. Now you pick one,” I instructed him.

“Alright. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Nick,” I answered immediately. It wasn’t true. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Travis looked at me with concern in his eyes.

“Maybe we shouldn’t play this game anymore. I mean, the point was to get your mind off of that douchebag,” Travis said.

“I’m okay.
Promise. And a few more beers and I won’t be thinking about much of anything.” I forced a small smile that I didn’t really feel, but I wanted Travis to feel like he was helping me through my depression.

“Okay, next question,” I said, pulling another one out of the tray. “What is your deepest, darkest secret?”

“Um… actually, let’s stop playing this now,” he blushed.

“Nope.
Time to confess. No way am I letting you out of this one.”

“I don’t think you want to know,” he said, suddenly serious.

Alarm bells rang in my head. I suddenly felt sick, as if I had too much to drink. It had to be something he hadn’t told me, and he always told me everything, so it had to be serious.

“Trav, what is it?”

“I don’t know, Julianne. This isn’t the right time.”

My head felt fuzzy. Suddenly I wished I hadn’t had that last beer. “Just tell me,” I said, looking at him with concern. I felt like he was going to tell me something important. I thought that he should preface this by saying something like, “I think that all of this beer is impairing my judgment, because I know that I would never tell you this sober.”

Instead, he began, “I feel good telling you this, like everything is going to be okay. I don’t know how to say it, exactly. It has a lot to do with that message I left for you. I was going to tell you this earlier, but you were so upset that I just couldn’t.”

“Travis, you are babbling. Get to the point,” I nervously coaxed him, expecting the worst.

“Alright. I am in love.”

I playfully punched him in the arm. “Travis, that is great. You really had me worried that something was wrong. Who is she?” I asked.

“Well, that’s the hard part. She’s beautiful inside and out, and she consumes my every thought of every day. I have never felt this way about anyone.”

Despite the darkness I felt consuming
me, I felt a glimmer of excitement for my best friend. “That’s great, Trav. So what’s the hard part?” I asked.

“The hard part is that I can’t tell her that I love her.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to lose her.”

“Trav, any girl would be lucky to have you. You’re a good guy. A real catch.”

“If you really feel that way, then I guess I should tell you who it is,” he said nervously.

“Do I know her? Who is it?”

“It’s you.”

I smacked him on the arm and chuckled, realizing that his joke was the first time I had truly smiled in twenty-four hours. “You jerk, you had me going!”

But he didn’t smile.

“I’m serious, Jules.”

My laughter faded as I stared at him, unsure if I had misheard what he said. Neither of us spoke for a minute.

“So?” he asked, anxious.

I remained silent, trying to gather my thoughts and say the right thing. My brows knitted together in confusion. First the man I love tells me he doesn’t love me, and then the man I consider my best friend tells me that he is in love with me? Was the world spinning upside-down? Was it a full moon or something? What the hell was going on in my life?

“So what?” I finally asked.

“So what do you think?”

Fuzziness was the dominant thought in my head, and I knew that I was drunk. Regardless, I was shocked by his revelation, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. On the one hand, I loved Travis. I loved him a lot. But I loved him as a friend. I only saw him as a friend. And on the other hand, I was grieving over a loss that I still wasn’t sure how to handle. The pain was simply too fresh.

“Jules, say something.” The look on his face said it all: He needed an answer from me.

“Well, before I said that any girl would be lucky to have you. And I meant it. But, Travis, I’m in no position to make any sort of rational decision.”

“I know. And that is why I didn’t want to tell you now. I had a whole speech set up in my head when I left that message. But now I just feel like an idiot,” he babbled.

He looked so anxious and so adorable that I just couldn’t take it. Maybe if I could offer him some sort of comfort, it would make me feel better, too. I leaned over and kissed him quickly, just once. I pulled back and looked up into his big, brown eyes, and suddenly neither one of us had to say anything at all anymore. He lowered his head and his lips met mine in a warm, sweet kiss.

We broke apart. “Is this okay?” Travis asked.

“Yes,” I answered, though sober me would have said that it was definitely not okay. Sober me would have told me that I was hurting from my break-up with Nick. Sober me would have told me that I needed time, lots of time, because the love of my life, my soul mate, the person put on this earth for me to find, had just shattered my fragile heart beyond repair.

I know for certain that if I hadn’t had all that beer, it would not have been okay with me at all. But, selfishly, I needed comfort, and Travis was there to provide it. In hindsight, I should have known that
I was using him for that comfort, but I couldn’t acknowledge that in the moment. It just felt good to have someone love me as much as Travis did, and it felt good to finally focus on something other than the grief that had consumed me.

He brought his lips back to mine, and while I wasn’t feeling tingles shooting through my spine, his kiss felt good. It was nice, warm, familiar, and, most of all, comforting. Travis’s hand found my waist and he pulled me closer against him. His fingers against the small of my back were soothing. He lifted my shirt over my head and I did the same to him. Soon I was straddling him on my couch, kissing him and caught up in the moment. In my drunken mind, I was kissing Nick again, even though it didn’t feel the same. I could allow myself to dream that it was him, that he was there with me and that it had all been a terrible misunderstanding.

Travis grabbed my butt and stood up, my legs still wrapped around his body, and he walked me to the bedroom, his lips against mine the whole way. He lay me down on the bed, never breaking our kiss, and began to strip the rest of the clothes first off of me and then off of his own body. Soon we were having sex, just as we had all those years ago. It was comforting, though not sensual or emotional as the act of sex should be. I didn’t feel any of the passion that I felt with Nick, and I knew it even through the buzz of liquor. I felt terrible that I was thinking of nothing but Nick while Travis was inside of me, but with the pain of our break as fresh as it was, I didn’t have a choice. I found myself fantasizing that Travis was Nick and that we were making love, not just having sex. To Travis, perhaps it was making love, but to me, it was sex with someone who wasn’t Nick. He was the only one who I wanted to make love to me. I could tell Travis was building up to his release, so I faked my own for the first time ever in my life, and then he found his. And then I fell asleep or passed out; I’m not sure which.