How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (18 page)

It’s fine. I’ll come by after work
.

Yes please. Miss you.

Miss you too. Get back to work. :)

After work on Monday, I waited anxiously for Nick to knock on my door. It sucked that I hadn’t seen him at work all day, and after spending the entire weekend with him, I was desperate to see him. Our relationship was new and intense, and I needed to kiss him, to hold his body against mine, to feel his warm skin. I was completely addicted to the way he made me feel.

I paced my apartment, wearing a pattern in the carpet. Then I flipped absentmindedly through the channels on my television, trying to find something – anything – to keep my mind occupied while I waited, and the wait felt interminable. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive it. Finally I heard my buzzer a little after six o’clock. I clicked the button and waited by the door, and Nick knocked a minute later. I opened the door to him, and there he stood in his suit, fresh from work, sexy as ever.

His gaze met mine as I held the door open for him, his eyes clouded and dark and stormy. He came into my apartment and took off his suit jacket, tossing it over a chair haphazardly at my kitchen table, his eyes hot and never leaving mine. Then he pulled at his tie, loosening it, and he charged toward me with urgency. Suddenly I was in his arms as he yanked my body to his, and I felt his need and longing as he crushed his lips to mine, the desperation evident in his kiss. He felt it, too, that torture of being apart from each other. It was one of those fast-paced, hot, aggressive kisses, and I gave back with everything I had in me.

“Fuck, I missed you today,” he said hoarsely, his mouth never leaving mine. I moaned into him as his hands pressed my back into him.

His mouth wandered down my neck. “I missed you, too,” I half-whispered, half-moaned, my own voice sounding strange to me.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” he said, kissing me again with urgency.

“Do what?” I asked breathlessly.

“Pretend. I can’t pretend anymore.”

“Me neither.”

He pulled back from me, both of us breathless. He still held his arms around me. “I want to take you out to dinner, to hold your hand. Like we did in Payson, but here. I hate feeling like we have to hide what we have when all I want to do is kiss you every time I see you at work.”

“Is that why you stayed away today?” I asked.

“Partly,” he admitted. He kissed me once on the lips, and then he let go of me as he pulled off his tie completely and sat at my table. I sat next to him, and he reached for my hand as he sighed. “I was at Cabrillo’s for a long time. He was understandably pissed, but I went through the entire plan with him, and he was very happy with it.”

“Good.”

“He was a real dick at first, and after I took him through the plan and was sure he was satisfied, I accredited all of the work to you.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I did. It was all you, Julianne.”

“You helped.”

“Number crunching and logistically. Not with the creative side. And he couldn’t say enough good things about it.”

“That’s good.”

“He said, and I quote, ‘That woman may be scattered and disorganized, but she knows her way around a marketing plan.’” Nick grinned at me. The “scattered and disorganized” part hurt, but at least there was minimal damage. Again I wondered if I would have been reprimanded if I wasn’t sleeping with my boss. “And you know, he’s right. Not about being disorganized, but about knowing how to put together a good plan.”

“
Thanks, Nick. That means a lot coming from you.” It did. I admired the work he did. “What else did you do today?”

“Well, when I got back from Cabrillo’s, I had about fifty emails to answer, I had a meeting with Malcolm about his project, I touched base with Holly and Jake on different things, I had four of my own projects to deal with, and then I met with Davidson and Josie and some other
people up top, and they handed down several new projects. Davidson wants to talk to me some more tomorrow, and tomorrow I also have to figure out who is getting which assignment, so we’ll probably have an afternoon team meeting. This shitty economy is doing wonders for McMillan. People want fresh ideas to market their businesses, and we’re scoring new clients left and right.”

“Our company has a great reputation.”

“It does. But given the economy, I'm starting to wonder if it would be smarter to jump ship and open up my own company.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know. I’ve sort of always dreamed of owning my own company, but I know the risks involved and the benefits of working for someone else. I think at this point, it makes more sense to work for someone else than to take that risk. McMillan is a well-known company, and I know I could stay long enough to work my way up.”

“I don’t want you to leave our department.”

“I don’t want to leave, either. I love working with you. But if we were in different departments, we wouldn’t have to hide anymore.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Me, too.”

“What happened with Davidson today that’s got you thinking like this?”

He lowered his gaze. “Nothing. I just hate hiding what we have.” He glanced back up to meet my eyes. “I’m falling for you, Julianne. And I want the whole world to know that you are mine.”

I leaned toward him, and he pulled me so that I was sitting on his lap. He cradled me in his arms, and I felt safe, protected, loved. He rested his chin on top of my head and murmured, “You know, no matter how shitty my day at work is
, I love this. Seeing you erases all of the crap and makes everything good again.”

He lowered his head and tipped my chin up, finding tears shining in my eyes at his sentiment. One escaped out of the side of my eye, and he quickly kissed it away. And then his mouth found mine, and I could feel the desperation in his kiss. I knew how he felt about me, and I felt the same way about him. I was ready for us to move beyond this phase where we had to hide, and his words tonight told me that he was ready for that, too. But how did we do that without losing our jobs?

Our kiss was interrupted with the buzzing of his cell phone. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Davidson said he would call me tonight with word on a new project. Can you give me five minutes?”

I nodded and moved to stand, but he pulled me back down. I rested my head on his chest.

“Tom, hello.” I listened to his heart beating against my cheek while he talked to Davidson. I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying; it wasn’t my business, and besides, he would clue me in if there was anything I needed to know. The call only lasted a few minutes, and he held me tightly against him the whole time. He kissed my forehead when he was off the phone and sighed. “I have some work I need to do at home,” he said.

“Okay,” I said, and then I climbed off of his lap.

He stood, pulling me into his arms, my body flush against his. “Come with me? I can’t even fathom sleeping apart from you again tonight.”

His
words, combined with the heat in his eyes, was overwhelming. How could I ever say no to this man? “Let me just get my stuff together and I’ll meet you at your place.”

“Have you eaten?” he asked. I shook my head. “I’ll pick something up.”

He kissed me, long and slow, and then he left. I quickly put together an overnight bag. Sleeping at Nick’s meant an earlier than usual morning since it was a thirty minute drive with no traffic to work from Nick’s place, so I packed my clothes for work for the next morning so that I wouldn’t even need to stop home.

I arrived at his place about an hour later. I rang the bell, and Eric answered.

“Julianne, it’s great to see you again,” Eric said, smiling. He took my bag from me and set it down by the stairs. “Nick’s just in the kitchen getting your dinner set out.”

“Great. I’m starved.”

Just then, another good looking man started down the stairs toward us. I presumed it was Nick’s brother, Josh. They shared similar features; Josh had the same sharp jaw line, hazel eyes, and dark hair. They even had the same nose. But that’s where the similarities ended. Josh was bulkier than Nick. He was good looking, but nowhere near as sexy as his brother.

Nick appeared in the doorway from the kitchen. “Julianne,” he smiled broadly at me, and he walked to me and took me in his arms, planting a firm kiss on my lips. I smelled him as soon as he came near, and the familiar scent was enough to drive my senses wild.

Nick pulled back and slung his arm around my shoulders. “I’d like to introduce you to my brother, Josh. Josh, this is Julianne,” he said when Josh made his way to the foot of the stairs.

“Nice to meet you, Josh,” I said, shaking his hand.

“You, too. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Good things, I hope.”

“You seem to be making my brother a happy man. Just keep doing whatever you’re doing.”

I smiled, and I could be mistaken, but I swear Nick blushed. He was never,
ever
unruffled, and it was adorable.

“Ready to eat?”
Nick asked. I nodded, and he led me to his kitchen, where the table was set with food he had picked up on his way home. I spotted a delicious looking salad with chicken, walnuts, and cranberries.

Eric and Josh headed to the family room, where a basketball game blared from the television, and intermittently I heard them either cheering or yelling.

We dug into our food, famished from a hard day’s work and an even harder time being apart, glad to be back together again. Nick poured me a glass of white wine, and we chatted about the day’s events as he filled me in on more details from his meeting with Cabrillo. He was pretty quiet about his meetings with Davidson, though.

After dinner, Nick led me up to his bedroom. This was usually the time when he made love to me, but instead, he led me into his closet.
His closet? I couldn’t help but wonder why he took me in there.

He pointed to a bar that was empty. “This used to have my clothes on it. But you’ve been spending so much time
here, I wanted to carve out a space that’s yours – a place to keep some of your things. I know it’s early in our relationship, but I want you to feel at home here.”

“That’s for me?” I wasn’t expecting this. I knew that we were serious about each other, and it was just some space in his closet, but to me, this was one of those huge actions that spoke so much louder than words.

He nodded. “It’s for you. We’ve been spending most of our weekends together here anyway. I know it’s a pain in the ass to get to work in the mornings from here, but maybe if you have some things that you keep here, it would make it easier for you.”

I flung my arms around his neck. “Thank you, Nick,” I murmured. “This is really, really sweet of you.”

He responded by kissing my neck hungrily, and a few minutes of passionate kissing later, he was hovering over me, seconds from being inside of me. I gazed up into his eyes, finding his eyes calmer and more relaxed than when he had first entered my apartment only a couple of hours earlier. This man was complex and interesting and funny and sexy, and he was all mine. My only wish was that I could share that fact with everyone in the world.

Chapter 11

The week passed quickly between the new projects Nick handed out to our team and my steamy nights with my boss. I reciprocated Nick’s closet offer by clearing a space in my own closet, and Nick filled it with some of his suits. I loved just going into my closet when I got home from work, right before he arrived, and looking at his suits in my closet. I loved knowing that there was a little piece of him in my home. And sometimes I breathed in his clothes, feeling his warmth in the familiar scent that was all man and all him. I was giddy with love for this man, and even though we hadn’t yet said those three enormous words aloud, we were both in that place. I had known him for a year before we had gotten together, and in that span of time, I had already fallen for him. Now that I knew him as intimately as I did, those feelings had only deepened. It was just so different with him. Every other relationship I had ever been in seemed pale in comparison to what Nick and I were forming.

Soon another weekend was upon us. My parents informed me that the cabin was free for the weekend, so we decided to head up to Payson again.

The drive up there Friday night after work was quiet. Nick seemed distracted, and I asked if he wanted me to read from the
Questions
book, but he merely grunted in reply. I studied his profile as he drove, and I noticed lines etched around his eyes. He looked drained and worn, more exhausted than I had ever seen him. Something was up with him; something was eating away at him, and it marked the first time in our relationship that he didn’t immediately share with me whatever was on his mind. I hoped that with a little prodding, he would open up.

“What’s wrong, Nick?” I asked quietly.

“Sorry. I know I’m distracted. I just have a big work issue on my mind. I’ll snap out of it, I promise.”

I understood completely, because I knew how busy we both had been at work that week. I had received three new projects, so I couldn’t imagine his work load with sorting projects and helping keep everyone on top of their work while still having additional work handed down from the top. “It’s okay, baby. I know work’s been busy. Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head. I had hoped that it was something he could talk to me about, but if he didn’t want to go there, I couldn’t force him.

And he didn’t make good on his promise that he would snap out of it, either. I distracted myself with the radio, but it wasn’t like the last time we drove up. Nick clearly had something big on his mind, and he wasn’t interested in talking about it; but whatever it was, it was throwing off everything between us.

When we arrived at the cabin a little after 8:30, I poured us each a glass of wine, hoping that it would loosen him up enough to either talk to me or to make love to me. I felt desperate for his touch, but whatever was distracting his thoughts was taking over our weekend. We went up to the bedroom and sipped our wine in bed, watching a movie on HBO. But the wine had the opposite effect that I had been hoping for, and when the movie was over, Nick was asleep next to me.

I woke up first the next morning, and I started a fire in the fireplace after I put on the coffee. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and sat at the kitchen table, sipping my coffee and staring out into the beautiful snowy, woodsy scene behind the house. The snow glinted in the sunlight on the Ponderosa Pines, and I saw two deer leaping through the trees. I smiled at the playfulness of nature right outside my window, and I felt a wave of optimism that Nick would wake up in a better mood. Surely this romantic setting would help him snap out of his mood.

But it didn’t. And when he finally came down the stairs two hours after I had gotten up, his mood was even worse than the night before. I had never seen him like this.

“Good morning,” I said as cheerfully as I could muster, despite feeling my own good mood destroyed by his gloom.

“Morning,” he muttered. He walked up behind me, but he didn’t put his hands on my shoulders like he had the time before when we had been there. I felt cold from his lack of touch, and an involuntary shiver racked my body. I stared up at him as he stared out the window, refusing to meet my eyes. The lines around his eyes had deepened despite his many hours of sleep the night before, and he still looked exhausted. Sexy, still – always sexy; but totally worn out. “I have bad news.”

“Oh?” I asked.

“I need to head back early.”

“How early?”

“This afternoon.”

What the hell? “Why?”

“Work.”

“It’s the weekend, Nick. It’ll be there Monday.”

“It can’t wait. I’m sorry if you don’t understand as a consultant, but as an executive, I don’t always get the luxury of weekends.”

I gasped, almost as if he had hit me. “Wow, Nick. That was uncalled for. What the hell is going on with you?” I spat out. “You’re not acting like yourself.”

“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you thought. I’ll be ready to leave within the hour.”

“Fine,” I said, and I headed upstairs to pack my things, my eyes filling with tears that I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing as I trudged up the steps.

I threw my clothes into my bag, not bothering with a shower. I cleaned out the coffee pot while Nick put out the fire, and we were on the road less than twenty minutes later.

We were about an hour into our trip back home when Nick pulled over at a rest stop. “Bathroom?” he asked, almost sounding nervous.

I didn’t have to, but he did, so I got out and stretched. He came back and we were on the road again.

“Julianne, we need to talk.”

“About what?” I asked, watching the mile markers as we traveled along.

His eyes didn’t leave the road as he drove. I noticed a song quietly playing on the radio, and dimly in my mind I registered that it was a song that I liked, but something about the situation felt wrong.

“I need to tell you the truth. My mind hasn’t been on work. It’s been on us.”

My heart dropped into my stomach, which immediately clenched into tight knots, as I feared his next words. I sat in icy silence.

His eyes never left the road as he spoke. “I’m just… I can’t do this anymore.”

I gasped, the wind knocked out of me at his words. I literally felt like I had been punched in the ribs. I couldn’t speak, but he certainly could.

His voice was low and quiet, his mannerisms withdrawn, like he had already pulled fully away from me. He still wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I’m just not in love with you. I can’t let you fall for me when I’ll never feel it back.”

“What?” I
breathed, sure I hadn’t heard him right. I mean, we hadn’t actually said the words to each other, but we both knew it was love. Every word that we had spoken to each other over the past several weeks raced through my mind. Every action repeated itself in my mind. I
knew
he loved me. The way he held me, the way he whispered before we went to sleep, the way he made love to me, the way he pulled me into his arms quietly in his office; these were all expressions of his love. Yet he was sitting here telling me otherwise, and suddenly everything around me was spinning and I felt nauseous, my stomach tying itself up in knots that I couldn’t even begin to think about how to untangle. Everything around me suddenly went quiet, and I felt my face heat up and tears prick behind my eyes.

I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe as nausea overtook my body.

“I just don’t see this lasting forever. We’ve got an expiration date, and once I realized that, I knew I had to end things.” His eyes focused on the road. He never once looked at me during the entire exchange. I needed to see his eyes; they would tell me the truth. I needed to know why he had the sudden change of heart.

My entire body hurt as the full devastation of what he was saying to me hit me. “I thought you were falling for me,” I finally spat out.

“The passion that I’m looking for just isn’t there for me,” he said quietly.

His words stung, mostly because I thought that’s what we had. The passion I felt for him far exceeded anything I had ever felt for another man. And I knew in my heart that what he was saying couldn’t possibly be true. It just didn’t add up. He had told me how much passion he had felt for me. And more than words, the way he made love to me proved his passion for me. That couldn’t have been one-sided; it couldn’t have possibly just been me who felt that. Could it have?

We sat in silence for the remainder of the ride home as I concentrated on forcing myself to breathe and holding back my tears, which proved fruitless as they started streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t want him to see the devastation he had left in his wake, but my emotions betrayed me as the tears fell hot and heavy.

I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him; I was excitedly looking toward the future, yet here we were. He had just ended it for reasons that I could not grasp in any way. I was in total and complete shock, completely unsure how exactly this had happened. Yet somehow, it did happen. Somehow, I was alone. Somehow, Nick and I were over. The mere thought of that sent a sharp pain through my heart.

He dropped me off at my apartment, coming in only long enough to grab his suits out of my closet and his toiletries out of my bathroom, and then he left wordlessly, without so much as a goodbye or a hug or even a handshake. Nothing. He didn’t even look me in the eye. And I certainly couldn’t look at him; it would just hurt too much to see the man of my dreams walking out of my life.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, I was alone.
Truly alone. The tears unleashed. I began to sob like I had never sobbed before in my life. I stood with my back against the door, the weeping leaving me gasping for breath. I heaved so hard that I ran to the bathroom and vomited, and then I curled on the floor of my bathroom, crying for what felt like an eternity, the tile cool against my cheek. Eventually, the tears stopped, and I was left with gut-wrenching dry heaves. I pulled myself off the floor and climbed into bed, exhausted both emotionally and physically. I cried myself to sleep and dreamed of heartbreak and darkness.

I didn’t sleep well. I awoke on Sunday morning early, before the sun even rose, and my first thought was of Nick. This started the tears again, and I cried in bed for hours. I had never experienced that sort of grief before. It felt like there had been a death, and in a way, there had been. It was the death of the most beautiful relationship of my life, and for reasons that I still didn’t understand. I felt like I should fight for us, but he had told me that he didn’t love me. I couldn’t force him to love me, and I couldn’t force him to stay in a relationship that he didn’t feel was right. And not only that, but I was starting to feel anger. I was angry at Nick for doing it the way he did it, for saying the things he said. There were softer ways to frame things, but he knowingly said the one thing that he knew would tear my heart out.