How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (21 page)

Once the tears subsided enough for me to drive safely, I started the car. I glanced up at Nick’s office window and I could have sworn that I saw him standing there in his window watching me. But maybe I just dreamed it. I headed home, rehearsing what I would say to Travis. When I arrived and opened my door, I found a dozen red roses on my kitchen table. That made me feel even worse.

“Travis?” I called. No answer. I walked across the apartment to the bedroom. I opened the door, half expecting to find Travis lying there naked, but I didn’t. He was in there, but he was
wearing jeans and totally asleep.

“Hey, lazy ass!
Wake up!” I said as he slowly opened his eyes. I sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hey. How was work?” he asked, reaching toward me for a kiss. I turned away, pretending not to notice.

“Fine,” I answered. “Listen, thanks for the flowers. They are beautiful. I need to talk to you about something, though.”

Travis sat up in bed. He pushed back the covers to reveal his tan, muscular body.
Fuck, he’s hot,
I thought.
Am I doing the right thing?
It would have been far easier to just invite him to go to the Brick City launch party with me, but it wouldn’t be right.

“What? It sounds serious,” he said.

“Well, Trav,” I started. “I don’t exactly know how to start this, so I guess I will just say it. My heart is broken. I feel like Nick literally took out my heart and smashed it into a million little pieces. And now, I have all of these feelings for you rushing back at me. The thing is, it’s just too soon for me to start something now. I am rebounding, hard. This all just went down the day before, and seeing Nick at work made me realize that I am not at all ready for us yet. The last thing I want to do is hurt you or our friendship. I love you way too much for that.” Tears began forming in my eyes. This was becoming a habit for me.

Travis sat quietly as the tears began to spill down my cheeks. I stared at the floor, waiting for Travis to speak. The moment was awkward as I sat there crying. I could feel his eyes on me, when suddenly I felt him reach over and put his hand on my back. He pulled me a little closer so that my head rest
ed against his shirtless chest. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes as I cried.

I looked up into his eyes only to find tears playing at the corners of his eyes. I felt a pang of love in my chest. Travis spoke first.

“I am not going to lie to you. That is not at all what I was expecting you to say. I understand, but I am disappointed. You are all I ever think about. I can’t eat without thinking about you, I can’t sleep without dreaming of you in my arms. I love you more than anything.” His voice broke on the last line, and he looked like he was holding back tears.

In all the years I had known him, I had never seen anything move him to tears. I took his head in both of my hands and looked him in the eyes. “I am so scared of getting hurt and of hurting you. But most of all, I am so scared of losing our friendship.”

“Jules, there are no guarantees in love. Just a lot of risk,” he said, taking my hand in his and interlacing his fingers through mine. He looked into my eyes as he had so many times, and all I saw there was love. I realized that these were the same eyes that looked into mine for years, but now I recognized what was in his heart for me.

“Travis, it’s just too soon for me. We need to take it slow.”

With a long sigh, he reluctantly let go of my hand. I got up and Travis followed me as I walked into the kitchen. “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, sensing my feelings. “I’m not afraid of getting hurt because I know that we are meant to be together,” he said confidently as he took me in his arms again.

I wasn’t sure that I felt the same.

“I’m going to take off.”

“Why?”

“I just… I need to get some stuff done at my place.”

“Is that really why you’re leaving?”

“No. I want to give you space.”

“I’m sorry. If we’re going to start something, I want to do it right. And right now, Nick is still on my mind. Just give me some time so I can get over him before we start something. You are my best friend, so please, be my friend.”

“Do you remember when I broke up with Brooke? And I told you it was because of someone else?”

I nodded.

“Well, that someone else was you. Since high school, Jules. Maybe even before that. And I can’t get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. You are always there.”

“Travis,” I began, not knowing what to say or where I was going with this. “I’m sorry. I just am not ready. This is the worst possible timing.”

I was pretty sure that Travis was upset, but I wasn’t in a position to do anything about it. He stood up and made his way to the door. “I get it. And I’m going to give you the space you need,” he said, opening the door and walking out.

I felt numb and physically unable to move for awhile. I didn’t want to hurt my friend, and I didn’t want to give him false hope, but I hated what this was doing to us. I finally walked over to my window that faced the parking lot. I saw Travis’s car, and I saw him standing against it. He looked back toward the front door of my building. He just stood there for a minute, and then got into his car. He grasped the steering wheel with both hands, then leaned forward and rested his head there. After a few minutes, he drove away. I wished I knew where he was going or what he was thinking, but on the other hand, I understood. He always got exactly what he wanted. He was a great guy; he was nice, attentive, very attractive – what girl wouldn’t want him?

One that just got her heart broken,
 I answered my own question.

I stared out the window, lost in thought. I decided not to chase him; he would call when he was ready.

My phone buzzed with a calendar reminder about that night’s event, so I had to start getting ready.

An hour later, my make-up was as close to perfect as it could be, my ridiculously dark circles under my eyes had been meticulously covered, and my hair was bouncy and curly. I decided on a red dress that was just on the right side of sexy while still maintaining some
professionalism, and I picked out my highest high heels that made my legs look sexy as sin. I felt sexy and I knew that Nick loved me in red.

When I arrived at Brick City, everyone except Nick was already there. Lucy and Jake held a table while Holly mingled as Andrew trailed behind. Malcolm and Greg were both there with their wives (Brenda and Maria, respectively), both of whom I had met several times, so I settled into an easy conversation with the two of them. The new logo looked great; Greg had spent a lot of time working with the ads department to come up with something fresh and upscale, and he had certainly reached his goal. The placed looked amazing, and people were having fun, as evidenced by people chatting and dancing and drinking and eating. The owners had decided to create an event for the launch party, complete with a band and dancing, demonstrating how their new banquet facilities would operate. It was an elegant event tastefully done.

My eyes were practically glued to the door for any sign of Nick. I was trying not to be obvious, but I needed to see him.

It was like the room paused when Nick finally walked through the door. Everything was going on around me as normal, but it felt like I was alone in the room. Everything became suddenly quiet, including the conversation I had been engaging in with Brenda. He looked perfect as he walked into the room, still wearing the same suit from work that day. His hair was messier than usual, and he was scruffier than usual. It was obvious he hadn’t shaved in a few days, and even though I could make out the exhaustion in his eyes, he was still the sexiest man I
had ever laid eyes on. He was in control, and the owner of Brick City stood by the door and shook Nick’s hand. They spoke, and I saw Nick’s fleeting glance around the room. When his eyes landed on me, I was certain I saw the heat and lust that I always saw when he looked at me. I thought I saw a flash of relief in his eyes, too. But just as quickly as I saw it, it disappeared as something much, much colder took over. He glanced away from me and back to the man he was speaking to, and I went back to my conversation with Brenda like nothing had happened, even though my heart literally stopped beating for a moment in my chest.

I knew in that moment that I would never, ever get over him. And I didn’t know what to do about that.

I continued my conversation with Brenda until Malcolm came over to claim his wife for dancing. A few minutes later, we were asked to take our seats as dinner was ready to be served. I headed to the restroom first, needing a moment to compose myself. I took a deep breath and stared at myself in the mirror. I didn’t look any different than I had a month earlier, yet I felt different. And I knew I would never be the same.

When I came back out, I found a placard with my name on it placing me at table 7. I glanced around the room and found table 7, and I was happy to see that it was everyone that I worked with.
Except Nick. I didn’t see him anywhere, and I figured he was seated at a more important table with the owners of Brick City and some of the people higher up at McMillan like Davidson and Josie.

I took a seat next to Lucy at the round table, and the seat to my right was vacant. A moment later, Nick appeared at our table and sat in the only empty seat; the one to my right. The moment he sat, I could smell him. The scent was driving my senses crazy, and I felt the slow burn deep in my belly with him next to me. He somehow managed to turn me on by simply sitting next to me, yet I was in so much pain that he caused me. I didn’t know how to act around him, and I couldn’t hide it from Lucy much longer. She knew me too well. She would sense that something was off with me, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain it away.

Our first course arrived, and I focused on my meal. When the main course was delivered, Lucy leaned over to me. “What’s going on with you?” she whispered. I just shook my head, knowing that if I looked to my left, into my best friend’s concerned eyes, I would burst into tears; yet knowing if I looked to my right, at the man who had shattered me only two days before, I would burst into tears. So I stared down at my food in silence. I couldn’t fake my way through friendly conversation. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind; not with him in such close proximity.

Dinner was interminable. I avoided conversation with Nick at all costs and turned toward Lucy for small talk. But then there was dancing after the meal. I was the only team member present without a date besides Nick. Lucy and Jake headed to the dance floor with Holly and Andrew close behind. Malcolm and Greg followed with their wives. And that left Nick and me alone at the table.

I felt his eyes on me, but I just stared straight ahead at the dance floor.

“Julianne—” he started, but I interrupted.

“Nick, don’t.” I refused to meet his eyes.

“We should probably dance.”

“No.”

“It’ll look strange if we don’t. We always dance at these events.”

He was right; in the past, it wouldn’t have been an issue for us to dance together at an event. But I couldn’t even fathom the thought of him holding me against him, of his arms around my body. I couldn’t imagine how fucked my emotions would be after going through something like that. It was all just too excruciating, and I refused to do that to myself.

“Excuse me,” I said, and I headed back to the bathroom.

The bathroom was empty and quiet, a reprieve from the party-like atmosphere just outside the door. I felt tears pricking my eyes and I pulled out my compact and my mascara, trying to fix my make-up as I took deep breaths to keep the tears at bay. I was in no shape to be out in public, let alone in a place where my ex-love was. A part of me wanted it, wanted to dance with him and let him hold me in his arms. I wanted him to breathe me in, to feel me and to smell me and to realize that he made a huge mistake. I wanted to fight for us, but I didn’t know how to do that when he told me that he wasn’t in love with me. I couldn’t force him to feel things that weren’t there for him, even though I still felt like he did, in fact, have those feelings for me.

The bathroom door opened just as I pulled my lipstick out of my purse to finish freshening up. I was shocked to find that it was Nick standing in the doorway.

“So beautiful,” he whispered.

“So broken,” I whispered back, staring at myself in the mirror, refusing to meet his eyes. “What do you want, Nick?” I asked, glad that the bathroom was otherwise unoccupied.

“I just want things to be okay between us.”

“They won’t be.
Ever.”

“Please dance with me.
One last dance. For us, for old time’s sake.”

I finally looked at him, really looked at him for the first time that evening. He looked as shattered as I felt. I wondered if others could see it, or if just I could see it because we had come to know each other so well.

I wanted to dance with him. Everything inside of me was drawn to him like a magnet. There was no way I could say no to him again.

“Fine.
Give me a moment,” I said, needing just one more minute on my own to pull myself together.

I peered at myself one more time. I could do this. I took a deep breath, knowing that I would be back in his arms shortly. I would be back where I belonged.