Here & Now (8 page)

Cadence meet puddle. Puddle meet ground.

I have no idea what to say to this. His openness, how raw his feelings are as he shows me with words and actions what love means to him. How he can easily separate the bad way he used to be with the good way he wants to be now. The right way. I’m completely at a loss.

“If the love was buried underground, things wouldn’t look the way they do now.”

This causes him to look down, his gaze penetrating as he searches me for some kind of understanding of what I’m getting at.

Placing my hand on his heart again, I don’t even blink as the question comes.

“Is it beating right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Are the trees alive? Bigger than they were when you planted them?”

Again he follows it up with another yes along with a nod.

“Are we here holding each other, completely at peace and happy right now?”

“You know we are.”

“Then the love isn’t buried anymore, Dillon. It’s alive and it’s here with us. The same way she is.”

“When my grandpa passed away she used to tell me the same thing. Well, not with the same words, but close. He wasn’t gone, he was still with us, and all we had to do was believe. I used to think she was nuts, but you saying it now, seeing how much you believe in it, maybe it’s not so crazy after all.”

“She’s a pretty smart lady.”

“Takes one to know one then, huh?”

“Yes it does.”

“She would have loved you.”

Smacking him lightly on the arm, he looks at me, his brow furrowed, his eyes confused and I just smile.

“Who said anything about would have? She totally loves me. I mean have you met me? Who wouldn’t?”

The way his face lights up is beautiful to watch. I’m breaking through the upset he feels at not being here for his grandmother and smiling back at him because for the first time in a long time, this is Dillon when he’s completely free. When I mentioned being at peace earlier, I was right. It’s written all over him.

He’s never looked more beautiful than he does right now.

“I need to tell you something, and I’m doing it here because if it was a bonehead move, you’re less likely to hit me because of where we are and who we’re with.”

I wouldn’t hit him at all and he knows that, but the way he puts his one hand up to shield his face, making a joke of it, I can’t help but laugh.

“What is it?”

“I booked us a room at a hotel.”

“Okay.”

“I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not about that. At least not entirely. Ugh—this isn’t coming out the way I want it to.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’m acting like a dick.”

“Why did you book the hotel room?”

Turning his body and bringing mine with him, he faces me down before answering, his way of letting me see the truth not only from his eyes but from his mouth as well.

“At first it was because I wanted to be alone with you. Not have you back at Kayden’s where anyone could walk in, and definitely not at your mom’s because I know she watches us when we’re together. I just wanted to be with you, no one else allowed.”

“And it’s different now?”

“Yes—No, ugh, I don’t know.”

“Explain please.”

“If I told you that I wanted us to be together; that I wanted to make love to you, what would you say?”

Well, when I asked him to explain, I didn’t think he would be asking questions, but considering how easy this one is, I’ve got no problem giving him the answer.

“I would say that I’ve been ready for a while, but the timing never seemed right.”

“And if I said that part of me got the hotel room because I wanted to make that timing right, what would you say?”

“I would say we need to stop overthinking this and just be together.”

“Exactly—wait. What?”

His confusion, the misunderstanding, and my words not matching up with the ones he obviously had me saying in his head, it’s cute. I can’t believe I’m even thinking it, but Dillon is even sexier when he’s taken completely off guard.

“Do you still want what you said originally?”

“You mean do I want to be with you alone? Yes. Of course.”

“If we didn’t have sex would you still want to be with me?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so what I just said still stands. Talking this out, like we’re making some kind of deal, it’s weird. If you want to be with me the same way I do with you then we need to stop thinking about it and just do it.”

Dillon

“If you want to be with me the same way I do with you then we need to stop thinking about it and just do it.”

The original plan was gonna be that I didn’t say a word about what I wanted for us later. I was supposed to just take her from the restaurant, make our way there and deal with whatever was gonna happen when we got to the room.

I’ve known she’s been ready for a while. It’s hard not to notice it when we’re alone together, both of us caught up in the moment, heated and close. There’s a tug of war happening every single time we find ourselves that way and I never know which way it’s gonna end up except we always stop.

We have to stop because in my head, same as I think it is in hers, this isn’t about getting off, releasing tension or fucking the way it is with other people. For me and Caddy, it’s a hell of a lot more.

The trip to the cemetery. It’s another thing that wasn’t planned out, but with the way the conversation was going, how open we both seemed to be, eager to tell each other all of the things we’d been keeping locked away inside the entire time I was away, there was nowhere else I needed to be with her.

It turned out better than I imagined and I’m really fucking glad I opened my mouth for once. That I told her the truth about wanting to be with her because now that we’re here, and we’re walking the hall that’s gonna take us to the room I booked for us, what we want is out there on the table and there isn’t any room for fuckups or misunderstandings.

She wants me. Cadence wants me to be her first.

I just hate that I can’t give the same in return.  That a drunken night four years took that away from her. If I had known then what I do now, I would have waited. I don’t give a fuck if I walked around with aching balls or a worn out dick from all the jerking I had to do, it would have been worth it to have this be the first time for both of us.

Maybe that’s why I did what I did when I booked the room. If my first time couldn’t be memorable than I could make damn sure hers is.

Reaching the door, she turns to look at me and I slip her the room card, pulling my phone out and staring at it at the same time, wanting her to be the one to open the door and see what’s waiting.

As she slides the key in and I hear the click and see the light, I also catch something else. Her fingers are shaking and the way it looks, knowing what we’re about to do now, it stops me cold.

I know what she said when we were at the cemetery, but is she really as ready for this as she claims, or is this her believing that she needs to give me what I want again?

She takes a step forward and I reach out to stop her. Sliding my phone back into my pants, the ruse I had planned the last thing on my mind, I turn her toward me and wait until she’s looking me dead in the face.

“You’re shaking.”

Her eyes lower and her cheeks flush, but she doesn’t look away completely. Instead, she stands completely still until whatever she’s experiencing passes, and looks me straight in the eye again.

“I’m nervous.” She admits. “Aren’t you?”

Truth is, I’ve been nervous the entire night, but right here in the moment, I’m the most secure I’ve ever been and I thought she was too. I want this with her. Not because it’s sex, but because when we’re finally together, I’m going to be able to give her something that no matter how hard I’ve tried over the last year, I just haven’t been able to give.

All of me.

“I don’t really do performance anxiety.”

It’s a joke of course, not meant to be cocky and when she smiles at me, I release a very big sigh of relief. She knows how I can be, so her being able to tell the difference now means a ton. The last thing I am whenever we’re together is cocky.

The truth is most of the time, Cadence scares the shit out of me.

“So you’re not even a little nervous?”

Don’t lie. Tell the girl the truth. Do not be a total dick right now.

“Nervous is an understatement for what I am, but I’m trying not to focus on it. You shaking, though. Are you sure you want to do this?”

She nods and leaning in close until her lips are barely brushing against mine, she smiles. “I love you, Dillon. I’m ready.”

Not sure what possesses me to do it, but feeling insanely right the minute I do, I scoop her off her feet and push my body through the door, not stopping until we’re completely in the room with the door shut behind us and she’s catching sight of what I spent hours before the game making sure to get just right.

A pathway of flower petals, a lot of the same ones from the limo travel all the way to the bed and on top of the duvet, it’s covered in color. Red, blue, pink, yellow, orange and white rose petals cover it and from the look in her eyes when I finally come to stand beside her as she takes it all in, my attempt at creating something as beautiful as her has hit it’s mark.

What I’ve done obviously making her speechless, she turns to me and immediately starts signing.

Did you do all of this?

“No. I wish I could take credit, but I just asked the hotel to set it up.”

“It’s beautiful.”

On both of the bedside tables, there are large candles, all waiting to be lit and if it was done the way I wanted it, they’re also scented.

When I make love to Cadence for the first time, I want to have the smell of roses and vanilla, with a hint of lilac—her favorite scent—surrounding us. Wanting to make this night absolutely perfect depends on it.

Squeezing her shoulder gently, I move away from her and over to the left side of the bed. Sliding the lighter out of my pocket, I flick it until the flame appears and I light each of the four candles, only stopping long enough to do the same thing on the other side.

As I turn to make my way back, I feel her body brush up against mine and that’s when the temperature in the room starts to rise. Her hands are on me, making their way up until they’re sliding under the jacket to my suit and I feel it slipping down over my shoulders. Raising herself up, I feel her breath hot on my neck before her lips follow, trailing a line of kisses from the base of my neck all the way up until I can feel them dangerously close to my ear.

Exhaling, a moan escaping as she slips the jacket completely off without even the slightest break away from my body, she continues to kiss as her hands come around to my shirt, first loosening the hold the tie has around my neck before beginning to make quick work of the buttons.

I can hear her breathing in between kisses and it’s as labored as mine, but she doesn’t stop. As much as I should probably reach out and slow her down so I can take back control of the moment, I don’t do it.  The way she feels, her hands working their magic on my clothes and the intense heat from her lips on my skin, it’s too good. Stopping is not an option now. The need is too strong.

When she reaches the final button on my shirt, her hands lift up again, her lips finally breaking away from my ears, and kissing along my jawline until they’re on mine, soft at first, until the need to feel her tongue wrapped up in mine is too powerful and I force her lips apart and capture it.  As she slides my shirt down over my shoulders and her fingers finally make contact with my skin, I’ve had more than I can take.

Her fingers are the match and the second they touch me, bare, with no obstructions, she sets my body ablaze. I wanted her; ached for her before, but with one intimate touch she’s set me on fire and I don’t want to burn alone.

Breaking our kiss, hating the way it feels not being able to taste her anymore, I wrap my arms around her and lift her until I’m turning toward the side of the bed, making quick work of the zipper on the back of her dress before laying her down and really taking her in.

Her intake of breath the minute my hands make contact with her flesh, the heated desire in her eyes when my gaze lands on her, and the wicked half smile on her lips as she lifts her hand up and motions me toward her with an outstretched finger. Cadence is being playful and it’s driving me crazy.

I’m gonna burn up right here on the spot.

Sliding on top of her, bringing my lips back down to hers, I pause before kissing her, focused so completely on how amazing she looks and how badly I need to tell her before this goes any further.

She needs to know how perfect and right this entire moment is.

“You are so fucking beautiful and I can’t wait to show you how much.”

Kissing her, capturing those perfectly puckered lips with mine, grazing them with my teeth, tasting them with my tongue, noises I didn’t even know either of us were capable of making appear and I drown in the sound. Her moaning mixed with mine.

Her hands move from my face and down over my shoulders until they’re scalding my back with the heat they’re creating, the kiss going deeper as my own hands feel their way around her body. The one I’ve touched so many times before, but that feels like I’m doing it for the first time now.

I want to feel every single inch of her, while she fits so perfectly under me.

Returning the favor, I move from kissing her lips until I’m tasting her neck, moving my hands at the same time and sliding the dress slowly down her body, moving it in sync with mine until it’s slipped completely down around her legs and I’m back to kissing her again. Starting again at her lips, sliding my hands down her body at the same time until they come to rest around her back, her body completely pressed into mine.

I can’t believe this is really happening.

Fuck she feels amazing.

Tastes even better.

A fucking angel. And she’s all mine.

Our bodies are melding together, moving in slow motion, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes and the small breathless sounds that escape mirroring mine, but quieter. As her hands begin to move lower, sliding down my back until I can feel them brushing over my ass as she makes her way around, the reality of what’s about to happen sets in and I break away, pushing pause.

The look in her eyes the second I slide from my position over her on the bed, it affects me, but what I need to do now is more important. There is no way in hell I’m letting this happen recklessly. I was stupid the first time I got drunk and had sex with a girl, forgetting everything I’d been told about protection and getting caught up in a drunken horny moment. I’m not repeating it with her.

Sliding my wallet out of my back pocket, her hand hitting it the reason for the pause button being hit, I slip the condom out and toss it on the bed beside us.

When she catches what I’ve done, her lids flutter closed and she exhales deeply, her confusion in the moment turning to understanding as I slide back onto the bed beside her, but this time, not on top the way we were seconds before.

Stroking her jaw and watching as her face turns and curves into my hand, I smile before kissing her nose and moving lower and kissing her lips tenderly.

“Everything about this moment has to be right. No mistakes. I’m sorry I pulled away.”

“I thought…”

I know what she thought and there’s no way I’m letting her do it again. I want her. I want her more than anything in the world, but not enough to completely risk not only her future but mine too.

“Never again, Caddy. Don’t think that ever again.”

Her body twists on the bed until she’s completely facing me, her one hand coming out and stroking my face while the other slides its way down my chest until again, her fingers are playing with the belt loop of my pants, the tiny smile from earlier back as her eyes remained trained on my lips.

I feel like one of the candles burning away on the bedside table as her fingers stroke my skin. I’m the wax, hard and cold, until the flame heats me so much that I’m burning, melting into liquid, and the only thing able to be focused on is the way my blood runs hot through every vein in my body.

I’m drawn to her the way a moth is to a flame and as her lips press to mine, all sense of space and time fades away, all of my senses coming together until all I can smell, taste, feel and experience is her and the way it feels as she pushes her body into mine and slides on top of me, again taking control, but this time because I’m allowing it.

Her hands are everywhere, and every place she touches, I react, my body pushing into hers, a moan turning into a growl, turning into her name, falling from my lips over and over in a repeated cycle.

It’s happening. She’s making me feel. Cadence is breaking me wide open, stripping away layer upon layer of walls and built up bullshit. It won’t be long now before she lays me open bare. In the physical way she already has, but this, what she’s doing now as I hear her whispering her love for me, she’s breaking me wide open to my very core.

I thought I let her close when we got together, letting her get past the stupid beliefs I had about people who were weak and strong, even admitting to myself that she was the strong one and I was the weaker link between us. But this moment, here and now, it’s so much more than all of that.

No one has ever been this close and until her, I never wanted them to be. I want to let Cadence past the velvet rope. Let her open me up and give her everything I have and I don’t mean physically because we could stop right now and it would still be happening.