Here & Now (10 page)

I want her to go back to the paper. Write whatever she’s about to say next down because I don’t think I can handle her saying it. I can’t listen to her tell me how stupid it was sleeping with Dillon or how wrong it was. Nothing about what happened between us felt wrong and I won’t have anyone, especially my mom tainting it.

“Mom, I’m seventeen.”

“If I had my way, you wouldn’t be with a boy until you were forty.”

“That’s a little over the top don’t you think?”

“Come back and tell me that when you’re a mother and your teenage daughter wants to have sex.”

“He loves me.”

“I know.”

There’s something in the way those two words are drawn out that makes me think she barely said them. She whispered them, but it also makes me feel a heck of a lot better knowing that of all the things she could have said, she agreed with me about Dillon and his feelings.

It means he just doesn’t love me when we’re alone together. He loves me every minute we’re around anyone else too.

“You’re still my little girl, Cadence. I don’t care if you’re seventeen or fifty. As long as I’m here and my heart keeps beating, you’re always going to be my baby. I only have your best interests at heart.”

There’s more she’s not saying and I just want her to spit it out. I know she has my best interests at heart. As far as mom’s go, she’s the best, and I’m pretty lucky to have her, but my focus isn’t on what she did tell me, it’s on what she didn’t. What does she think is in my best interests right now?

“I can’t change what happened between you and Dillon, but I can put my foot down about the way you chose to deal with it. We’ve only ever had complete honesty between us and if this is going to work while you’re still under this roof, it needs to stay that way. You can’t do what you did last night again.”

“I won’t.”

“Somehow I doubt that.” She laughs and even though I’m happy to see her smile and the movement in her body that goes along with the laugh, it’s confusing. “I used to be a teenage girl and I know the lengths one will go to when it comes to a boy they care about. I don’t agree with it, but I do understand it. I only ask that in the future, you’re honest with me.”

As hard as it is having this conversation with her, this is definitely something I can agree to. I can’t say it will ever be easy talking to her about what happens between me and Dillon, but I can do things differently in terms of the so-called stunt she says I pulled last night.

I owe her that much.

“I will be.”

“Go on. Get ready for school. I’m leaving in ten minutes and you’re going to be in the car with me. I also think it would be a good idea if for tonight, we spent the night alone, no boys allowed.”

I wondered when I was going to get to the part where she told me what her best interests are and she didn’t disappoint, but after the night I had with Dillon, having one night away from him, I can handle it. Besides, it’s been awhile since it’s just been me and my mom and I think with the way things have been going since Dillon got back, I’m due.

“Okay, just this time, can we please watch a movie that has nothing to do with Adam Sandler?”

Dillon

Time moves on, night turns to day, repeating over and over and before I know it a week has passed. One full week of reliving our night together, but with subtle differences.

Changing the way we removed each other’s clothes. Standing behind her, my breath tickling her neck as she inhales sharply, her body responding to my touch as I slide my fingers through the straps on her dress, slipping them down one by one over her shoulders until she’s bare, open and on display for me.

Reliving the way just one look from her flips a switch and my brain and my body reacts, aching to be inside of her again.

I’ve been so damn caught up in these visions, wanting to video call her and set up another date night just so we can have it again that it’s affecting my game and everyone around me is noticing it.

It’s not just my teammates and the coach feeling the change in me though, it’s my body too.

Plays that I’ve run through a million times before, even in high octane situations like the middle of a game, I’m completely sucking at now. My speed is lessened, my mind isn’t where it needs to be and the defensive line is making me pay for my lack of direction.

The pain in my knee, the one that’s been there annoying me for over a week, it’s back again now, worse than ever. Where I should be calling a time out on this practice, letting Coach know that there’s something seriously messed up about my knee, I’m silent as fuck because I just wanna get through it and get out of here.

My love for this game, the adrenaline rush I get just from entering the locker room, it’s dulled and it’s all because of the night I spent with Cadence.

This fucking blows.

If I don’t get my head screwed on straight soon, some of the guys on the team are going to go out of their way to take my leg clean off, just so they can make a point. With me out, there’s no doubt Coach will ignore the backup QBs and he’ll go straight for Kane and with the way I`ve seen him work on the field, I can’t let that happen.

He’s the one capable of filling my shoes, but injury or not, head out of the game or not, I’m gonna have to be dead before I let him take my spot.

“Man, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you look like you got run over by a Semi.”

Ryder Kane, my teammate, adversary, and the one person who can take everything I’ve worked so hard for away from me. He’s more than that though. After spending the last week on the field together, him pulling my head back out of the clouds and slamming it back on the field where it belongs, he’s also become a friend.

“I feel like it. These plays Coach has us running, they’re designed to have me flat on my back.”

“With the way you keep ending up, I’m starting to think you like that position.”

“Only with my girlfriend.” I answer, my face and attitude smug, which with what he says next, is completely blown to shit.

“If you don’t get your head in the game, they’re gonna stop laying you out flat. They’re gonna fucking take you from behind.”

It’s been happening a lot like this over the last week. Whenever he makes a comment that comes out sounding remotely homosexual, his eyes get cloudy and the smirk I’m so used to him wearing fades completely away. The last time it happened I was gonna bring it up, but with how touchy he can be about his personal shit, I kept my nose out of it.

The more it happens, though, the harder it is to deny.

There’s definitely something going on with the running back and when we get off this field and away from the prying eyes of the other assholes around us, I’m determined to find out just what that is.

“I’m starting to think that’s exactly what Davidson wants.”

Ryder laughs but it doesn’t go all the way through. He’s definitely touchy, which just makes me want to probe and find out more. Call it hanging around with Kayden and the girls so much, but I’ve turned into a pretty nosy fucker over the last few months.

When there’s something even remotely off, I’ll bug until I get the answer.

Switching gears, he points to my knee before leveling me with the same look Cadence had when she saw me limping after practice.

“You gonna brace that?”

“Nah, it’s not that bad. I fucking pulled something, it’ll pass.”

“When did you pull it?”

There’s two ways I can go here. I can blow smoke out my ass and tell him that it just happened today, or I can tell him the truth. Ryder still being so new, I’m leaning more towards lying because I don’t know what his real motivation is for hanging around me as much as he does, but the other part of me wins out because I get the feeling he’s gonna see right through it.

“Couple weeks ago maybe.”

“That’s screwed up, man. You need to talk to Coach about that shit. Get it looked at, brace it, whatever.”

“Like I said, it’s nothing. Happened before when I was playing in high school. It’ll pass.”

“If you say so.”

“Davidson has a fucking hard on for me. It looks worse than it is because he’s going out of his way to break my damn leg. If I didn’t know any better I’d think he’s a plant on the team with the way he’s so eager to me out before the weekend.”

“The guy’s a prick, but he’s doing it because you’re head’s not here.”

He makes a good point. This is how it worked when I was playing ball in high school and it hasn’t changed in the move to Toronto or back home now. Davidson is no more a damn plant than I am, but he’s focused on me more because I’m supposed to be the leader. The one whose focus never wavers. I’m giving him cause to kick my ass.

“I’ll hit up one of the trainers after practice, see what they have to say. That make you feel better, Dad?”

Ryder frowns and rolls his eyes before slipping himself up off the bench.

“Despite what my old position used to be, I’m not here saying this shit to you because I want the spot. Speed is my thing, so running back suits me just fine. I’m trying to get through to you because you haven’t been right in days and with the way your leg is already fucked up, the last thing we need is it taken off completely.”

“You really like hearing yourself talk, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I love it. I get turned on by the sound my own raspy ass voice. Look, D,” he says, all signs of sarcasm gone and his face completely serious. “Whatever it is that’s got you so twisted up, deal with it. Go find that pretty girlfriend of yours and fuck it out of your system before you end up getting us all hurt.”

Fuck it out of your system.

There’s something so wrong about the way he tells me to fuck Cadence, as if that’s all it is between us that it’s got me seeing red. Ryder’s a decent guy, but there’s no way in hell he’s gonna make light of what I have with her. What I’ve got with Cadence is so much more than a cheap suck and fuck.

It’s damn near everything.

“Got it, Dad. Any more wisdom you wanna try and cram down my throat?”

“Yeah, actually there is.”

“Well, you’ve got your audience on the edge of his seat. Please, share.”

“Get your fucking knee looked at. The last guy I knew that ignored the very real shit he was going through ended up a paraplegic. Hate to see that happen to you.”

Visions of wheelchairs float through my head as he’s talking. A very real end result for more than a few players, both in the CFL and NFL and most definitely something I don’t need or want for myself. Besides that
pretty little girlfriend
of mine, football is the only thing that matters and there’s no way I’m willing to be taken away from it, or worse; have it be the cause for me not being able to walk anymore.

Ryder’s right. I need to deal with the shit going on with my body and I need to do it now.

It’s time to see the trainer.

Cadence

When I started school, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to sit down a couple of times a week and talk to someone. Not write to them or sign, but talk. She was worried at the time that things would be harder on me because of my inability to hear and wanted to do whatever she could to combat that.

My mother, as much as I love her, worries too much for her own good. It’s partially why I believe she’s starting to sport gray hair long before she’s due for it. I did what she asked and even though I don’t come to see her as often as I did when I was younger, I still make a point when things get hard to sit down with her.

And there’s no doubt about it, with what’s coming up for me next week, there’s nothing in the world that I’ll face that’s quite as hard.

The first time I sat down with Pam, she was adamant that in order to affectively get to know me, we needed to speak to each other on a first name basis. No doctor this and doctor that. She wanted to be called Pamela, but at eight years old—the time of my first sit down with her—Pamela was too hard, so Pam it became.

She was easy to talk to, same as it was at home with my mom but there was something different about her that set her apart from my parents. What I had difficulty admitting to them, I could do easily with her because she had nothing riding on the outcome. I sat here with her the first time cochlear implants had been tossed into my lap and now I’m here doing it again.

Only this time, I’m a whole lot older.

“The last time we talked about this, you were very open about the fears you had about the surgery. Are you experiencing those same fears this time around?”

“Yes. I’m scared about the surgery, but not as much as I was before. It’s more what life is going to be like when this works and I can hear again that’s getting to me now.”

“I can definitely see a change just in your wording alone. It speaks volumes to how well you’re adapting to what you’re about to go through.”

I know what she’s getting at. I didn’t use the word if.  I used it weeks ago when I sat down and told my mom what I wanted to do and I even did it with Dillon when I tried to force him to not get his hopes up. It’s my go-to response because there isn’t any guarantee that it will work. There’s always an if involved. I’m just choosing now to see it in a different way now and it’s pretty obvious why.

Dillon is wearing off on me.

We’ve gotten into a groove since that night at the hotel. We text back and forth as often as we can and when we do, we’re counting down the days until the surgery, but he takes it a step further.

When he talks about how many days are left, he says it’s this many days until I’ll hear him and wish I hadn’t, being hopeful yet making a joke out of the sound of his own voice at the same time, lightening the impact. It’s the way he’s been that’s made me the way I am now. Somehow stronger, more determined to see this through then I was before.

I’m still frightened for a bunch of different reasons, but I don’t make them front and center the way I would have in the past. Dillon’s hope, faith and strength in this whole thing turning out great is pushing me to do the same.

“What scares you the most about hearing?”

“The amount of things I’m going to hear all at once. The idea of hearing the people I care about, really hearing their voices isn’t scary. It’s everything outside that freaks me out.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“Cars, animals, all the other people. Every sound you’re used to because you’ve been able to hear it for so long, it scares me. I’m afraid it’s going to come at me too fast and I won’t be able to handle it. That I’ll breakdown.”

“What are you most looking forward to when the implants are turned on and you’re finally able to hear?”

Dillon. That’s easy and with the way I feel my cheeks overheating, it’s going to be pretty obvious to Pam in a second too. There’s only three things I look forward to hearing when this all goes through and he’s the one at the top of the list.

Music and my parents are the other two, both equally as important, but not nearly as powerful as the mini movie I have in my head of hearing Dillon’s voice, wondering if it’s going to sound as rough and edgy as it does in my mind.

“I look forward to hearing my boyfriend.”

The last time I was here, boyfriend wasn’t even a word on my radar. I was like other girls and found guys cute, I mean I’m not blind to them, but it wasn’t really something I was all that interested in. If I expected her to be shocked by the revelation though, I was about to be seriously let down, because me saying it didn’t even phase her.

“And how does he feel about you being able to hear him?”

“He’s more excited about it than I am.”

She smiles and her body begins to shake in laughter and it doesn’t take long before I’m doing it with her. It really is funny, knowing that Dillon is more excited about the prospect of me hearing. It’s also sweet as hell and just one of the reasons why I’m glad I kept pushing with him last year.

“If you could pick one phrase or even one word you would want to hear him say first, what would it be?”

It’s the questions like this that make me enjoy my time with Pam. Where she should be clinical and maybe even a little staunch, she’s not. She asks the questions guaranteed to get me talking and they’re always easy to answer, which makes the time we have together just fly by.