The Book of Bastards

THE BOOK OF
BASTARDS

101
WORST
Scoundrels
and
Scandals
FROM THE
WORLD
OF
POLITICS
AND
POWER

BRIAN THORNTON

Copyright © 2010 by Brian Thornton
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-0370-2
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0370-2
eISBN 10: 1-4405-0738-4
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0738-0

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Thornton, Brian
Book of bastards / Brian Thornton.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-0370-2 (alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 1-4405-0370-2 (alk. paper)
ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-0738-0 (e)
ISBN-10: 1-4405-0738-4 (e)

1. United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 2. Politicians — United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 3. Presidents — United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 4. Legislators — United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 5. United States — Politics and government — Miscellanea. 6. United States — History — Miscellanea. I. Title.
E176.T575 2010
973.0929 — dc22
2010009948

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

— From a
Declaration of Principles
jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

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A book is a collaborative work, no matter how many names appear on the cover. This book is no different, and I have a lot of people to thank.

First, to Robyn: thank you for your help with the vetting of our cast of singular villains, for your feedback on so many of these entries, and especially for your spirited defense of Thomas Jefferson right to the very end. Most importantly, thank you for marrying me. This book is dedicated to you.

Thanks also to Joe Hylkema: your research and suggestions (especially surrounding the Enron mess) in support of the later pages of this book was invaluable. You make a much better skeptic than you ever did a “true believer,” pal.

To my parents, Hal and Berniece, and my brother, Paul: thanks for putting up with this project and the way it consumed whole conversations at so many family gatherings. I am truly blessed to have family like you.

To my editor and my friend, Paula Munier at Adams Media, who gave me my first book contract six years ago, and whose enthusiasm for this book has never flagged since I first pitched the idea to her. Thanks Paula, and to all the people at Adams Media. You're a great bunch.

LORD DE LA WARR:
How to Steal Land from the Indians and Keep It “Legal” (1577–1618)

THE PURITANS:
Not Just More Pilgrims

THOMAS PENN:
The Pennsylvania Walking Purchase, or How to Steal Land from the Indians and Keep It “Legal”: The Sequel (1702–1775)

NATHANIEL BACON:
His Rebellion (ca. 1640–1676)

JAMES DELANCEY:
Graft in New York: The Early Years (1703–1760)

GEORGE WASHINGTON:
Tenth Commandment? What Tenth Commandment? (1732–1799)

BENEDICT ARNOLD:
America's First Traitor (1741–1801)

HORATIO GATES:
The “Conway Cabal” and the Plot to “Get Rid” of George Washington (ca. 1727–1806)

ALEXANDER HAMILTON:
The Bastard on the Ten-Dollar Bill (ca. 1755–1804)

JOHN RUTLEDGE:
JWI (Judging While Insane) (1739–1800)

WILLIAM BLOUNT:
Trying to Sell the Southwest to the Spanish (1749–1800)

JAMES WILSON:
Swindler, Yazoo Land Scammer, U.S. Supreme Court Justice (1742–1798)

JOHN ADAMS:
“His Rotundity” and the Alien & Sedition Acts (1737–1826)

THOMAS JEFFERSON:
The Slave Who Bore His Children (1743–1826)

JOHN PICKERING:
JWI (Judging While Impaired) (1737–1805)

SAMUEL CHASE:
“Old Bacon Face” — an Unimpeachable Bastard (1741–1811)

JAMES WILKINSON:
A New and Improved Benedict Arnold (1755–1825)

AARON BURR:
Successful Duelist and Failed Secessionist (1756–1836)

THE FEDERALISTS:
The Hartford Convention and the Lousy Timing of Treason (1814)

HENRY CLAY:
The “Corrupt Bargain” and the Election of 1824 (1777–1852)

KING MOB:
The Inauguration Day Trashing of the White House (1829)

ANDREW JACKSON:
“King Andrew I” (1767–1845)

JOHN C. CALHOUN:
Secretary of War, Senator, Vice President, Traitor! (1782–1850)

JOHN AND PEGGY EATON:
Washington's Original “Baby Daddy” Scandal (1790–1856)

MATTHIAS THE PROPHET:
Wholly Fraud (1778–1841?)

MARTIN VAN BUREN:
The Original Herbert Hoover (1782–1862)

SWARTWOUT-HOYT:
Gesundheit! (1783–1856)

RICHARD JOHNSON:
The U.S. Vice President Married to His Own Slave (1780–1850)

JOHN TYLER:
Dirty Old President (1790–1862)

ABEL P. UPSHUR:
Texas Redbacks and Currency Manipulation (1790–1844)

JAMES BUCHANAN:
America's First Gay President (1791–1868)

WILLIAM WALKER:
When “Filibuster” Was More than Just a Word (1824–1860)

DAN SICKLES:
The Temporary Insanity Defense (1819–1914)

DAVID C. BRODERICK:
The Only Senator Killed in a Duel (1820–1859)

SIMON CAMERON:
Secretary of War Profiteering (1799–1889)

ULYSSES S. GRANT:
Drunk on Duty (1822–1885)

WILLIAM MARCY TWEED:
Honest Graft and Dishonest Graft (1823–1878)

JAY GOULD:
The Bastard Who Caused “Black Friday” (1836–1892)

OAKES AMES:
The “King of Spades” and the Crédit Mobilier of America Scandal (1804–1873)

WILLIAM ADAMS RICHARDSON:
Incompetent Like a Fox (1821–1896)

BENJAMIN H. BRISTOW:
Breaking the “Whiskey Ring” (1832–1896)

WILLIAM BELKNAP:
How Your Dead Wife Can Get You Impeached (1829–1890)

CONGRESS, PART I:
The Salary Grab Act (1775– )

ANDREW CARNEGIE:
“Conscience Money” in Action (1835–1919)

HENRY CLAY FRICK:
Everything but Plagues of Locusts (1849–1919)

J. P. MORGAN:
International Banker and Millionaire War Profiteer (1837–1913)

RUTHERFORD B. HAYES:
The Stolen Election of 1876 (1822–1893)

GROVER CLEVELAND:
Producing His Own Bastard (1837–1908)

JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER:
“The Octopus” (1839–1937)

WILLIAM LORIMER:
The “Blond Boss of Chicago” Bribing His Way into the U.S. Senate (1861–1934)

WOODROW WILSON:
Enlightened President and Just Another White Southern Racist (1856–1924)

HARRY M. DAUGHERTY:
U.S. Attorney General and All-Around Thief (1860–1941)

WARREN G. HARDING:
Getting Hard in the White House Phone Booth (1865–1923)

ALBERT FALL:
Teapot Dome and the Original “Fall” Guy (1861–1944)

HUEY LONG:
The Kingfish (1893–1935)

HARRY S. TRUMAN:
The “Senator from Pendergast” (1884–1972)

STROM THURMOND:
Racist in Public; “Integrationist” Behind Closed Doors (1902–2003)

ALLEN DULLES:
Defying the Popular Will (1893–1969)

RICHARD J. DALEY:
The “Last Boss”(1902–1976)

JOE MCCARTHY:
America's Witch-Hunter-in-Chief (1908–1957)

JFK:
“Fiddle and Faddle” (1917–1963)

LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON:
Bathroom Power Politics (1908–1973)

ADAM CLAYTON POWELL, JR.:
His Own Replacement in Congress (1908–1972)

ABE FORTAS:
Your Personal Supreme Court Justice — for a $20,000 Fee (1910–1982)

RICHARD HELMS:
Perjury as the Price of Honor (1913–2002)

DANIEL ELLSBERG:
“The Most Dangerous Man in America” (1931– )

SPIRO AGNEW:
Bribery Brouhaha Brings Down Babbling, Bloviating Bastard (1918–1996)

RICHARD M. NIXON:
Impeachable Bastard (1913–1994)

JOHN CONNALLY:
The “Texas Tip” (1917–1993)

WILLIAM CASEY:
Iran-Contra's Conveniently Dead Fall Guy (1913–1987)

ED MEESE:
Attorney General as Consigliore, Part I (1931– )

ABSCAM:
Congressmen and the Size of Their Pockets

MICHAEL DEAVER:
The Medium
Is
the Message (1938–2007)

THE S&LS:
A Gang of Rogues

CHARLES KEATING:
Millionaire Owner of the “Keating Five” (1923– )

LYN NOFZIGER:
The Wedtech Wonder (1924–2006)

OLIVER NORTH:
Hiding Iran-Contra Behind Fawn Hall's Skirts (and Her Underwear!) (1943– )

JIM WRIGHT:
Selling Books Will Lose You Your Congressional Seat (1922– )

DAN ROSTENKOWSKI:
Postage Stamps for Cash as the Tip of the Graftberg (1928– )

CAROL MOSELEY BRAUN:
First Black Female U.S. Senator, Welfare Cheat (1947– )

BILL CLINTON:
The Poobah of Bubbah Politics (1946– )

HILLARY CLINTON:
“Two for the Price of One” (1947– )

CONGRESS, PART II:
The House Banking Scandal (1775– )

KENNETH STARR:
The Grand Inquisitor (1946– )

NEWT GINGRICH:
The Wages of Karma (1943– )

KATHERINE HARRIS:
Lipstick and the Pig (1957– )

MARC RICH:
How to Buy a Presidential Pardon (1934– )

DICK CHENEY:
Torturer-in-Chief (1941– )

COLIN POWELL:
“Weapons of Mass Destruction” and the Selling of the Iraq War (1937– )

GEORGE W. BUSH:
The Rush to Judgment (1946– )

JOHN YOO:
A Torquemada for All Americans (1967– )

KEN LAY AND ENRON:
“Business Ethics” for the New Millennium (1942–2006)

DAVID VITTER:
Sometimes a Senator Just Needs a Diaper (1961– )

SCOOTER LIBBY:
When Lying Really Does Have Consequences (1950– )

ALBERTO GONZALES:
Attorney General as Consigliore, Part II (1955– )

ELIOT SPITZER:
Hookergate (1959– )

TOM DELAY:
The “Hammer” Gets Nailed (1947– )

KARL ROVE:
“Just Get Me a Fucking Faith-Based Thing. Got It?” (1950– )

SARAH PALIN:
'Nuff Said! (1964– )

MARK SANFORD:
The Wages of Hypocrisy (1960– )

JOHN EDWARDS:
The End of the “Breck Girl” (1953– )