Here & Now (4 page)

This is really happening and despite my earlier reservations, the worry I have that something could go wrong and I could be left with facial tics or even paralysis, I’m determined to see it through. I can’t keep running from something that in the end could have been helping me all these years because I’m scared.

Dillon was right last week. I’m strong and I don’t waste time on things that don’t mean something, and there’s nothing that means more than this. Being able to hear when I’ve spent my life shrouded in silence would be a dream come true.  I don’t need to hear in order to survive, but there’s no doubt it would make things a little bit sweeter.

It also helps that you can’t stop mooning over the idea of hearing your boyfriend say he loves you.

Glancing down at my watch as I make my way from the office, my mom picking up the message on her break and calling the school to tell me, I head for the bus stop. With my final class being a spare, making the afternoon wide open, I know exactly where I want to be right now.

I want to head to Wexfield University so I can tell Dillon what I found out. When the surgery is scheduled for and figure out of he’ll be able to be there for me the way I want him to be or if he’s going to be trapped because of his classes.

And you also want to see the way he looks when he’s in his football gear. Don’t forget that.

Shaking off the wayward road my thoughts are taking, I get to the stop and slide my bag onto the bench before making my body follow suit. As I sit and watch the rest of the world going by around me, cars moving from one point to another, stopping and going as pedestrians walk across the street headed to their own mystery destinations, the reality of what I’m facing hits.

It’s not only going to be the people I love that I’ll be able to hear if the surgery is a success and the implants work. I’ll be able to hear the rest of the world too. The cars zooming by, and the people, especially the people walking by my school having conversations that I can’t keep up with because their lips move way too quickly, I’ll hear them all too.

This is a whole lot bigger than just the core group of people that I surround myself with. If this works the way I want it to and the way Dillon hopes and believes it will, it’s going to be a whole new world for me.

I’ve never been so scared of something in my life.

Dillon

For the first time since I got here, I think this team actually has a shot at taking a championship and despite my earlier thoughts on the guy, a lot of that has to do with Kane. I’d have to be blind not to see the level of talent he has.

It also helps that the minute he got on the field and our coach was barking out plays, his cockiness was gone and all that was left was pure adrenaline, speed and an overwhelming desire to get the job done.

With Ryder here, we’re definitely taking some titles. Now all I have to do is figure out how to identify with the guy off the field and I’m set.

“Yo, Murphy!”

Turning just enough to see who called out and how close he is now that he’s jogging to catch up, I ready myself for the cockiness from earlier to make another appearance.

After the way he played during practice, there’s no way in hell he’s gonna miss a chance to shove it down my throat. Although, truth be told, he’s got every fucking right.

Ryder Kane just might be God to the Wexfield Panthers.

“Get it all in now. I’m not gonna be so willing to hear it later.”

His brow furrows and for a second I feel like kicking myself. It’s obvious from the look on his face that whatever the reason was he called out to me, it had nothing to do with bragging.

I really need to learn how to turn this shit off.

“I thought about getting in a few digs, but I wasn’t the only one busting ass out there. Figure you gave as good as you got.”

This is what he needs to learn, but that Kayden and a lot of the other guys on this team already know. When I came in and got the spot handed to me, it was because I’m good and I’m not just saying that because I’m a cocky asshole. I’m saying it because I tried out not only for the coach, but for the entire team and earned my spot. I gave them something they haven’t seen in a while here.

My desire to lead, my need to win and my ability to do whatever it takes to get there.

No one lives football more than me. It’s so engrained in me that before I met Cadence last year, I was debating whether or not to follow my dad on one of his business trips so I could go to school in the states and have more opportunity to showcase my skills.

“You might be right about that. So what did ya need?”

“Nothing, just had a question. Well two actually.”

“All ears man, ask away.”

“Best quarterback of all time?”

“You’re kidding right?”

“Does it look like I’m kidding?” Ryder asks as his lips straighten into a thin line and his eyes go dim. After a few minutes of watching him, he breaks and his face lightens up, the smirk from earlier back in effect again.

“Montana, hands down.”

He frowns and there’s a part of me that even as we’re walking across the field wants to reach over and smack the back of his head. It’s obvious he doesn’t agree with me, which is irritating because with the way he was a few minutes ago, I figured he’d be the one to agree with me.

“You know someone better?”

“It’s all about Elway, man! How can you not see that?”

“Elway is amazing, I’ll give you that, but look at the way Montana ran the 49ers. Unbelievable. Best QB of all time.”

“Agree to disagree?”

“Fine. What’s the other question?”

He stops and when he shoots his hand out across the field and I follow, I see what he’s pointing to and my heart swells. Ryder’s noticed Cadence and from the looks of it, he’s already pieced together that the angel in the outfield is all mine.

“How did you land a girl that looks like that?”

“What makes you think she’s here for me?” I ask, laughing. “Maybe she came because she heard the almighty Ryder Kane was in town and wanted first crack.”

His face does the same thing it did in the locker room and deflates right before my eyes, but almost as if he senses he’s giving something away he catches himself and he’s smirking again.

“Her eyes haven’t left you the entire time she’s been here, which has been seventy percent of our practice. Trust me, there’s no way in hell she’s here for me. But I can’t say I’d be hurting if she was.”

“She’s mine.”

“You think?” He laughs. “So how’d ya land that?”

“By not calling her
that
, for starters. Otherwise, you’d have to ask her. I’m still trying to figure it the fuck out.”

Able now to see her eyes on me, my hands lift and not caring what Ryder thinks, I sign to her, hoping that with the distance she’s able to pick up on what I’m saying. What I’m signing, it’s not something for us only, which the minute he sees it, Ryder’s head dips to the side again, questions written all over his face.

“Dude, what the hell?”

“I don’t follow.”

Of course I follow, I get this response a lot whenever I’m out with Cadence in public, but with the way I’m feeling right now, how not in the mood for another thoughtless jackass I am, I’m not gonna make this shit easy on him. If he’s about to give me shit for being with a deaf girl, he can save it.

“I get that you’re signing to her, which is kind of badass, but what the hell did you say?”

“You want the truth?”

“No, I was hoping you’d stand here and bullshit me a little while longer.”

“I told her you smell.” I joke, somehow managing to keep my face straight and make him believe me even though I’m lying out my ass. “Which man, you kind of do. I hear the showers calling you from here.”

Scowling before slapping the back of my head, he smiles in Cadence’s direction with a small wave before veering off in the way of the locker room, giving me the one thing that since I saw her standing there I’ve been craving more than anything.

Alone time with my girl, who even from ten feet away, heard me loud and clear as her response comes back.

I love you more.

Cadence

I’m the first to admit I don’t have the first clue what Dillon does when he’s on the field. I don’t have the first clue about football at all, but getting to stand here and watch him when he’s completely unaware of it; seeing how fast he moves, how far he throws to the guy that was walking with him when he noticed me, it’s kind of awesome.

There are only a couple of things in life that Dillon really cares about and with the fluid way he moves when he’s on the football field, it’s easy to see this is a big one. He’s graceful yet commanding and it’s hard once your eyes are locked on him, to actually look away.

Or maybe that’s just me.

You don’t have to understand what’s going to appreciate the effort he puts in. The effort all of the guys on the field do. The only thing I wish I didn’t have to see are the times where Dillon was taken down to the ground.

Maybe it’s because I’m gearing up for a pretty big surgery, one that’s got risks of injury attached, but seeing these guys, ones a whole lot bigger than my boyfriend, plowing their bodies straight into him and bringing him straight to the ground, it’s scary and there were more than a few moments where I’m pretty sure my heart stopped.

He can get seriously hurt doing this.

The closer he gets as he bridges the distance between us the more I see just how hard this game—the sport is on him. He’s moving a whole lot slower than usual and if it’s not my eyes playing tricks on me, it looks like he’s putting a lot more pressure on his left leg than his right, which means he hurt it.

The idea of Dillon being hurt twists me up inside. After last year with all of the fighting and him somehow managing to make it out of a lot of them with barely a scratch, the last thing he needs is to relive it out here on the field.

I just don’t know how to tell him that without upsetting him. He’s made it clear how important I am to him, but there’s only one thing that might mean just as much. Football is Dillon’s escape. It’s the one thing he prides himself at being good at. Bringing up my fears, worries I have seeing him walk the way he is now, it’s only going to upset him and that’s the last thing I want after the amount of time we’ve spent apart.

“Didn’t anyone tell you? Cheerleader tryouts were last week. You missed the cutoff.”

Smacking him lightly on the chest before allowing him to scoop me up into his arms and swing me around, I do something I haven’t been able to do all day. Laugh.

“Do that again.” He signs the minute my feet are back on the ground and our eyes are once again locked on each other.

Do what again?

“Laugh.”

“I can’t laugh on demand.”

Sliding his hands down my body, he runs one down until he’s sliding his hand up underneath and if I didn’t already know what he was going for, the way his hand feels brushing against my skin might create a whole different reaction in me based on the way it feels.

His fingers brush lightly across my stomach and just like he was going for, I laugh again, only this time the look in his eyes tells me it’s different somehow. I don’t need to be able to hear myself when I’m with Dillon. His facial expressions, the way his eyes change at any given moment tells me everything I need to know.

I’m reacting to him the way he wants, but also in the way I want with the heat building from his hands being on any part of me. A reaction I’ve had more than once in our time together and judging by the smirk on his face, one he enjoys a whole lot.

“It’s music, Caddy. You’re music.”

“Then how about we get out of here and we turn the solo act into a duet?”

His eyes widen, the smile still in place and his eyes back away from mine, looking toward the building and back again.

“If I agree, will you tell me why you’re here?”

I nod and he looks again toward the locker room before coming back and meeting my gaze.

“Five minutes. I’m gonna put my shit together and I’m coming right back out. Meet me at the car?”

Again I answer with a nod and he smiles before leaning his head into mine and kissing me softly. As he pulls away and turns, I notice again that he’s favoring his right leg, putting all of his weight down onto his left and I reach out and stop him. There’s no way I can let him walk away right now without knowing how bad this is.

“Did you hurt your leg?”

“I just fell wrong. It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

I trust Dillon, but I also know what guys are like. Whenever my dad would hurt himself working around the house when I was a kid, he used to blow it off whenever my mom asked about it. He would tell her it was nothing and that as soon as he was rested it would all clear up. I get the feeling that right now, Dillon and I are a lot like them.

“Yeah. It happens a lot, but usually I don’t have a gorgeous girl waiting on the sidelines that catches it. I swear, when I get off my feet later and rest, it’ll clear up.”

Pressing his lips to mine again quickly, he turns and watching him walk away, the knot in the pit of my stomach tightens. He might believe that it’s nothing, and I might even want to buy into it too, but something tells me that there’s more going on here.

Watching him jog away, disappearing into a door that most likely will take him to his stuff, the five minute countdown clock ticking away in my head, I really hope the knot in my stomach right now—the one that won’t ease for anything—is wrong.

I don’t know what I’ll do if what’s going on with Dillon is worse than he thinks.

My final thought as I turn and head back toward the parking lot is simple.

I really hate football.

Dillon

Running defensive formations in practice can be a bitch and with the pain shooting through my leg right now, I’m proof of it.

I lied to Cadence. The hit I took, I get the feeling it might be a lot more serious then something a night of rest can get rid of. There’s no amount of Lidocaine in the world that can be sprayed on my knee right now that will alleviate it. I just didn’t know what else to say.

She’s got enough shit going on right now. The last thing I want to do is get her caught up in mine. Besides, I’ve been down this road before, injuries are common, and it’s nothing I won’t find a way out of.

My focus, like always, needs to be on her. The fact that she came all the way out here to see me practice and spend time with me after. I want to be wrapped up in all things Cadence and not give two shits about the real damage that might be going on with my leg.

You stupid pansy. Couldn’t take a hit on the field just like you couldn’t take one in the middle of a fight. I always did tell your mom we were raising a little girl.

This is another thing that’s familiar. When I take a hit, get hurt or in any way have some kind of pain, Bruce’s voice comes through loud and clear. The man never missed a beat letting me know what a waste of space I was, how much of a girl he thought I was, so it makes sense that it’s there again now.

Too bad this time, I’m not going to listen to it.

He had six years of controlling me. Putting me into situations I could have easily gotten a way out of had I been smart enough to open my damn mouth. Remaining silent, I gave all the control and power over to him, making him strong and me the weak link. Six years too long.

I’m not gonna let him do it anymore, especially since he’s rotting away in prison. The days of Bruce Murphy having the control, forcing his weak versus strong brainwashing bullshit on me is over. I’m strong, but I’ve also been weak, and that’s okay.

What I need to do right now is simple. I need to get the fuck out of here, take my girl for a ride and enjoy the rest of my night.

It’s just too bad Coach seems to have other plans.

“Murphy, you got a second?”

Cadence waiting by my car flashes through my head, but I push it back. No one says no to Coach; especially not me. As a unit, I’m as much a leader as he is and saying no, telling him I’ve got my girlfriend out there waiting for me, it’s just not something you do. So even if it’s the last thing I wanna be doing right now, I’ve gotta see it through.

“Yeah Coach, what’s up?”

“I got a few new plays I wanna try for next practice. They’re all here in the book. Take it home, study it and in two days, I want you out there knowing them backwards and forwards. The game against Central next week, now that we’ve got Kane on board, we need to win it.”

New plays. Ones I hope have nothing to do with me being taken the fuck out. With the ache still pounding away in my knee and being so fucking determined to keep silent about it, the last thing I need is to have it broken down more.

“Sure thing. I’m on it.”

“Get together with Kane too, go over them with him since he’s a large part of a few. Get him up to speed.”

“Will do.” I agree, though not as excitedly as I would have in the past. “Anything else?”

Shaking his head, he shoves the playbook out to me and stalks away the minute I take it. Pushing down the urge to check out the plays before meeting Caddy, I throw it into my duffel and head out.

Football is over for the day. I gotta put it and the injury out of my head.

It’s time to find out what Caddy is doing here and hope like hell it’s not something bad.

The last thing I need right now is more bad news.

Cadence

The last time I was standing here, it was dark. The only lights around for miles the ones slipped through the trees around us and the far away street lamps that lined the street where it begins.

Dillon’s idea of spending time with me tonight is taking me back where it all began for us, only this time it’s complete with a picnic basket and food.

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve been here. Since we’ve been here together.

The rock that we spray painted the day we got together, it’s still as colorful as it was then, even if there is a lot more dirt attached that wasn’t there the last time. The heart he designed is still intact and the same way it jumps off the rock, my very real heart does every single time we’re together like this.

So much has happened here. It’s the first place he ever heard me and where our first kiss took place.  It’s the place where we got back together after a misunderstanding of epic proportions. It’s where we began and as the paint on the sidewalk, faded but still visible states, it’s a beginning with no end.

“So,” he leans in once and whispers against my lips. “Does this beat Kayden’s sofa for places to have dinner?”

“Just a little.” I answer back, my breath still taken and my head a jumble of memories as I continue to take in everything moving around us.

“I know it’s not as fancy as the last time we were here, but I figured it was time for a visit.”

“The ravine has never been fancy. If I remember right, you said it was murky.”

“I did say that, but only after you said it first.” He admits before bending over and slipping a checkered blanket from the basket and tossing it across the grass, bringing out the soda cans and plates, followed up by the food. Motioning when he’s done for me to sit, he slides his own body down onto the blanket and when I finally sit and look at him, he flashes his familiar smile.

The comfortable one. The smile that tells me how he feels without a word being spoken.

“I also remember saying that it reminded me of us.”

“Does it still?”

“Yes, but not in the same way. Nothing about what we have is murky. It’s all clear and the way it’s supposed to be.”

“How is it supposed to be?”

It still amazes me how easily I speak when I’m around him. After spending the last couple of days in virtual silence, deviating back to the way I am normally, the openness I have being here with him now still manages to take me off guard.

“Well for starters it’s supposed to be us together and I think we’ve nailed that pretty nicely. It’s also supposed to be comfortable. Easy. No drama, no fears about shit waiting for us when we leave. Happy. It’s just supposed to be what it is.”

I never pictured Dillon for a romantic, even after what he did last year in order to let me hear him, but every day, especially since he got back from the city, he’s finding ways to prove just how much of a romantic he is.

This is what happens when you’ve been keeping things bottled up for years and finally have the freedom to let them out. It’s amazing. I want to focus on it, keep things the peaceful easy way they’ve been since I showed up at school today, but I know I can’t. I need to tell him what really landed me at his practice.

Well, besides wanting to see him suited up. 

“My doctor called today.”

“Is that why you came to visit?”

“Yes.”

“What did he say?”

“If I’m serious about going through with this, he’s got a surgery date for the implantation.”

“When?”

“Two weeks from today. Early morning.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll pick you and your mom up at the house that day and we’ll all go together.”