Hard to Hold On (2 page)

I rush for my bedroom, shutting my door behind me. “Natalie.”

There’s a
difference in his voice and I notice it as I sit on the edge of the bed. It sounds tighter, gravelly. “Nolan, what’s wrong?”

The line remains
silent and as each second passes, my heart beats a little harder. I hear him swallow before sighing. “She’s . . . gone, Natalie.”

Nolan clears his throat but mine
dries out as I stare at my carpet. She’s gone? Meaning she’s dead? No wonder it’s taken him so long to talk to me. He’s been grieving over his loss. “Oh, Nolan, I’m so sorry.” I grip the edge of the bed with my free hand. I know he’s hurt. If only I was with him. I would hold onto him and make him feel like he’s not alone. This shouldn’t be happening to him. He doesn’t deserve it.

“D
on’t worry about it,” he mutters. “I just thought I’d let you know.” The line is silent again and I refuse to speak. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say. I had my speech all planned out for when he would call and tell me his mother had actually made it but hearing this makes me want to zip my lips for the rest of my life. “I’m going to be working a double shift tomorrow and Saturday. I might need some time to myself for a few days.”

My heart slams against my rib cage. “Y-you mean like a break?”

“No.” His voice is abrupt. “Just . . . space, Natalie. I won’t feel right talking on the phone with you when I have nothing to say. It’s going to be kind of hard to come up with conversations—especially while I’m still living in this house. I just need time.”

“Do you want me to come visit you?” I ask.
After I ask I want to slap myself. He’s just said he wants space.

I
nstead of slapping myself I wait on him to respond. I can hear shuffling in the background so he must be doing something but he’s making me nervous. I’ve never heard him this quiet over the phone since he’s been gone. “If you could, it would probably make it a lot easier on me. You can help me plan the funeral and everything else that needs organizing since Mills refuses to. I’ll call my aunt and ask her for some help as well.” I gulp, nodding. He sounds terrible and as his girlfriend I feel like shit for not being there with him. I can’t imagine the pain of losing both parents at the age of twenty-one.

“I’ll book a flight soon
,” I say. “I can come see you and help you with whatever, Nolan. Are you going to be okay until I figure out a date?”

“I’ll be fine, Bunny,” he sighs. As he says it
, my heart flutters. At least he thinks of me the same. “Let me know when your flight is in order, okay?”

I nod as if he can see me. “Okay. I love you, Nolan.”

“Love you too, Natalie.”

Before I can question his bland tone o
r even why he didn’t say “I love you” like usual, he’s hung up and my lips have sealed. As I pull my phone away from my sweaty ear, a terrifying thought comes to mind. How can I actually make him feel better when I don’t know how it feels to lose someone close to me?

The
distance was already in the way but to have this road block is definitely going to cause problems. I wanted everything to go smoothly so he could come back to Miami but I don’t think that will be the case anymore.

A knock comes from the door, interrupting my bothersome thoughts.
“Nat?” Harp calls from behind it.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

I sigh.
“Yeah.”

She steps in quickly and as I look up, I spot the sorrow draining her features. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping and being nosey. I swear,
” she whispers, stepping forward with twisted fingers.

“It’s fine, Harp. I’d rather you know so I won’t have to repeat it.”

Nodding, she sits beside me and the bed sinks beneath her weight. “If you want, I can book your flight tonight. My dad sent me extra money this morning and I was only going to use it to shop.”

I look up at her and she smiles softly.
“Really? That’d be great, Harp.”

“What are best friends for? S
eems like he needs you now more than ever, anyway.”

“Yeah. I could
feel his depression.” I draw my legs in and pull them against my chest. “I just . . . I feel so awful for him. I don’t know what I’ll say when I actually end up seeing him.”

“Well hopefully he doesn’t change his attitude towards you.
Nothing should really change. Just don’t push it with him. When my grandma died, it was the hardest thing to deal with for a while. I hated when people would ask me if I was going to be okay every day or if everything was alright. I grew up with my grandmother so losing her wasn’t easy. I just wanted time alone to cope with it and eventually I became at peace with it.”

I nod in agreement. She stands from the bed and makes her way toward
s the door. “I’ll go get my laptop and we can book the flight.” She forces a smile before hurrying out of my room to get to her bedroom.

With a sigh, I flop backwards and stretch my arms out. Without even thinking
, I reach for my phone and send Nolan a text saying everything will be alright and that I love him. Harper comes back into the room and boots her laptop up and I help her find the cheapest flight for Monday.

While we book the flight
, I can’t help but steal glances at my phone. Nolan hasn’t been the type to hold off on texting me back. He’s most likely not doing anything important so to know thirty minutes have passed and I haven’t received anything makes me worry.

It makes me doubt, and I don’t need the doubt. I need him.

Chapter Four

Nolan

As the sun peeks through my curtains, I groan heavily. My head throbs with each sudden movement and I collapse against my bed again, feeling the urge to just fall back to sleep. To just give up.

Last night was awful.

After I’d told Mills the bad news, he left without a word. He didn’t say anything and it freaked me out until he arrived home again, but with two bottles of Jack Daniels. I figured, why the hell not? I wanted to forget just as much as he did. I didn’t want to think about anything at all but I’m sure the drinking made it worse.

My
eyes are tight which means I had ended up crying sometime between. I hate crying but I know the tears were released. It was hard to control after having so much liquor in my system. Twisting my head, I glare at my phone that’s sitting on the night stand. I got a text from Natalie last night. She told me everything was going to be okay but it’s bullshit. She said she loved me as well but that caused even more pain to my troubled emotions.

I love Natalie to death but I don’t know what the hell I’m
going to do when she arrives. I’ll need her help in getting things together. I’m going to be more than glad to hold her in my arms because it’s been four months. I’ve wanted to make love to her for what seems like decades but with my mother passing, it won’t feel right . . . especially while I’m still living in her home.

I continue my stare at my phone, figuring
it’s too late to text back. I could start the day off with a “Good morning” text but right now I want time to myself. I don’t want to do shit but sleep but I have to work. Knowing I can’t miss out on the money, I hike myself up against my headboard with a heavy groan. As I press the soles of my feet on the floor, I hear scrambling in the kitchen. After being so accustomed to her early morning ramblings in the kitchen, the first thought is it’s my mother but the thought fades in almost an instant.

I shuffle
through my drawer for a pair of shorts, slide them on, and then head for the kitchen. When I round the corner, I see Mills slouching over the sink. His head seems practically hidden beneath his large shoulders but once I catch a glimpse of something sharp and silver in his hand I rush for him.

“Mills, what the hell are you doing?” He doesn’t answer. He continues
squeezing the knife between his palm and fingers and I watch as his blood drips into the sink. “Mills . . . stop. It’s alright.”

Grunting, he drops
the knife into the sink to look at me. He glares into my eyes, his nostrils flaring. He’s not taking the bad news lightly. I can see it all over his face; the purple bruises beneath his eyes and his dry lips. “It’s not alright, Nolan,” he snarls through his teeth,

“Yes it is. Shit happens for a reason, right?
It’s what you always said to me about Dad? Shit happens.”

“This isn’t shit!” H
e shoves me against my chest and I stumble backwards a few steps. I gaze down at the blood from his hand that’s on my chest before looking up at him again. Panting heavily, he turns around and knocks everything off of the counter. Glass shatters and plugs become undone and I want to stop him just to slap the shit out of him. I want to tell him to quit being stupid and to cool down but I know I shouldn’t. I don’t stop him because I’ve wanted to do the same exact thing. I just want to flip shit over. “She’s fucking dead, Nolan. What’s the point in living without her? She’s all we had, man. We came back for her because she was supposed to survive. She was doing so good . . . she was literally smiling at us before going in. Now she’s dead? I just—it doesn’t feel real. It can’t be real . . . she can’t be gone.”

His glistening eyes turn on me and I feel the dryness scratching at my throat
. The rims of my eyes burn but I force myself to keep strong. Mills finally slumps down in a chair at the table, suddenly weak at the knees. His bloodshot, teary eyes drift from mine to the glass table and he stares at it while I sigh, sitting across from him.

“We have to work today, Mills.”

“Fuck work.”

“We need the
money,” I snap.

“Fuck the money, Nolan.
Fuck everything
.” He shoves away from the table and storms out of the kitchen. Keys jingle and then the front door slams shut behind him, letting me know he’s run off.

I flinch fr
om the heavy sound, bringing my hands up and running them through my hair. I never would have thought shit would turn this bad. Never. I tried so hard as a kid to let my father go in peace and after a while I did but now that my mother’s dead it just seems so unreal. It seems as if I’m living in a nightmare that I need to be shaken out of. The misery just isn’t supposed to be happening again.

I don’t understand
what I did to deserve this. I couldn’t have been that bad—in fact I know I wasn’t bad. I was good. I did everything I was supposed to do. My childhood was fatherless for the most part but I didn’t turn into one of the bad-ass kids in school. I was still Nolan . . . just a lost one. A hurt one.

Groaning, I push
back in my chair to get to my room. Mills may not want to work but I have to. Someone has to make money and without Mom here, this shit is only going to get tougher. We have to pay the bills now. Getting rid of her house is something she never would have wanted but we can’t continue to stay in it. After a few months we’ll have to sell it. We’ll have to get rid of it and everything we’ve wanted to hold onto.

****

“Nolan, you feeling alright?” Tike asks me before I step out the door. Tike is one of the tour managers and there’s one thing about him I can’t stand. He worries about others too much. He’s a great manager and a great boss but when it comes to the personal life he can get a little too personal sometimes.

“I’m good, T
ike. Just having a rough day. Nothing I can’t handle.” I rub the back of my neck as he stands just to sit on the edge of his desk. He smacks and chomps on his gum as he looks me up and down from behind his thick-rimmed glasses.

“You don’t look so good. Where’s Mills? It’s never
like him to miss a day of work.”

“He wasn’t feeling well,” I lie
.

“Well you look worn. Go home and get some rest. Sorry about making you
pick up Leon’s shift as well but the check will be worth it, huh?” Somehow I don’t find his joke funny.

“Yeah.”

Tike studies me once more before finally sighing and standing from his desk. “Well, have a good night. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I spot the concern behind his eyes but I refuse to leave him any time to try and ask me if I want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to ignore it but it’s killing me inside. I feel like my lungs have been punctured and I’m forcing myself to breathe. I thought I had found everything I was looking for but then it flips on me and I’m at square one again.

As I hop into the car I rest my head against the
steering wheel, pulling my cell out from my back pocket. There are over a dozen text messages from Natalie and all of them say either “I miss you,” or “I hope everything is alright,” or even, “I love you”.

I love her, too, but I feel hopeless. I feel so worthless.
This depression has happened once before and I couldn’t fucking stand it. I don’t like the pain that’s been dragged upon me. I don’t like how it feels to be broken again.

My parents were my world but without them, it’s sha
ttered. Without them it’s pointless. The only good thing I have left in my life is Natalie and I know she’ll make me smile again . . . at least, I hope she can.

Smiling hasn’t happened to me today. Not once. Not
even towards the tourists who seemed a bit nervous around me and refused to ask me any questions. I admit I was being a total dick while escorting them around the exhibit but I just couldn’t come to grips with being happy.